Space, the inky blackness filled with gems of light, but if we examine closer we glimpse a jewel of a different quality. It shines with opalescent glory: rich hues of blue marbled with white.1
We move nearer and perceive this bulbous globe to consist of more than swirling wisps of pallid precipitation and surging aqueous oceans. A spectrum of forest jade to grassland green, canyon sienna to desert ochre, and Antarctic ice-blue to seashore buff. Glimpses of heliotrope, periwinkle, saffron and amethyst contrast against fields of pale myrtle and deep fern.2
As we zoom nearer great scars of gray mar the landscape; charcoal structures that ooze taupe contamination, arsenic lines of corruption upon which advancement thrives. We pause to decry the destruction of beauty, the assimilation of colours to an invasion of black misery.3
When we move closer still, we discern that an errant life bustles forth; a plethora of mechanized contrivances transect this sphere through tainted air, across defiled seas, and along the slate gray paths of disfigurement that crisscross the lands. We observe this through one revolution of this incessant, unsleeping, civilisation; as daylight relentlessly surrenders to night, each newly darkened territory blazes with pinpricks of light.4
We ponder the intricacies of this world that hangs before us by the slender threads of existence, and we aim our focus further inwards, towards the hub of a sprawling empire. At this distance, we observe a populace scurrying forth; some with purpose and others with an ambling unhurriedness.5
Curious, we magnify our view and discover an intersection of interconnecting pathways somewhere in this metropolis, and a scene unfolds: citizens of this world ambulating from one point to the next, clothed with all the colours and textures of the world in which they live.6
There – an older woman in a magenta blouse hobbles across a white-striped bitumen conduit, and we observe her for a moment as she passes unnoticed by others. We cannot discern what she thinks or feels, but it is obvious from the determined way she puts one foot in front of another that she lives courageously despite the ignorance of others.7
Here – a shaggy-haired male with a pale azure and cream striped shirt over shapeless khaki pants shuffles aimlessly past blind bystanders. We watch as he jiggles an opaque bag filled with indefinable objects, before he drifts from our view. 8
Over there – an immense woman lumbers her turquoise-clad bulk past leering eyes, her facade of nonchalance a second skin of indifference. Though aware of her, others observe only what she appears to be - snide glances betray their opinion. She is as ignorant of them as they are of the unspectacular individuals who crowd the thoroughfares of this place. 9
And here – crossing the same path as the elderly woman only minutes ago, an older man, skin parchment thin, trails a three-legged dog furred with a patchwork of steel blue and black. We note that many pay him passing interest, but it appears to be only as a secondary glace; his dog limping across the pavement is the primary attraction. He stops to grin toothlessly at passers-by, but he too is soon lost and forgotten amongst the overabundance of humanity.10
Over there – we discern that a group of these people appear to be waiting for something. A glass and metal contrivance approaches; some rise to embark, others gaze tiredly at their surroundings, their eyes flat as they linger behind.11
We focus our consideration on a group of these weary travellers; two ancient women sit curled towards each other, their gnarled hands gesturing forgotten youthful exploits, and their voices creaky with age. A whisper of their reminiscence is caught on the breeze: proud recitations of gardening and summer nights are reflected in the flowery dresses and smart hats they wear.12
Next to the chatty octogenarians, we observe two women their junior as they stand debating the merits of one option over another. One wears a landscaped shirt with dignity, over a flowing cornflower skirt. Her eyes sparkle with enthusiasm as she exhorts the benefits of the position she takes in the discussion. The other evidently pays attention; she nods her head, and interjects opinions as colourful as the clothes she wears. Both wear the mantle of the older and wiser, though one sports spiky white hair in imitation of her youth.13
A short distance away, we see a young couple unsuccessfully wrangle a toddler as he scampers from one end of the waiting area to the other. He screeches in delight as he outwits his impatient parents, dodging and weaving between their legs as they attempt to curtail his wanderings. A flash of robin red on coal black as the boy stumbles to the ground; his cries of indignation interspersed with tearful scolding from his mother, and the quasi-authoritative murmur from the teenaged father.14
In the centre of these discordant lives – of individuals focused on only their self or the momentary oddities – we detect another eyewitness. A young woman, with bags of indistinguishable items at her feet, intently watches individuals as they drift past her.15
From time to time, she inclines her head with apparent consideration. Her eyes crinkle with interest, her mouth purses with concentration, and she really sees what everyone and everything is.16
She, like us, acknowledges a pattern; these individual threads of humanity weaving their lives both together and apart, throughout time and place, are the very fabric of life.17
Author notes
Just something that came to me while I waited for a bus - it is philosophical in the sense that I thought that no matter how insignificant people think they are, we all contribute to the complexity of life.
A contest entry
- Kiss by beezy92.
500 points, ended March 30, 17 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Get me thinking... by Addy.
275 points, ended July 6, 32 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Under A Sky That Knows No Stars [[Imagery Contest]] by Toxic Paradox.
600 points, ends October 17, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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I love the names of colours - each name has a different, subtle shade and I think you've captured that perfectly.
I also quite like the structure - it goes from a sort of "we" as "all humanity" to more of "we" as in "we really are watching you" and then narrows precisely back down to the lady with her bags. Very inventive! Thank you for entering my contest.
However, I need to know which story you've read/commented on. Just let me know. Thank you. -
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Hi - I have commented on My Favourite Thing.
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I love the universal feel of this story; it has the element of detachment that we ourselves can never truly possess, limiting our ability to grasp true objectivity.
I did find the early adjective count to be a bit high, and I've a high tolerance for description. However, I do fully appreciate your grasp of vocabulary; you had some truly delectable word choices in there, and they did paint very specific pictures in my head, which is nearly always the point of good writing, and not just a side-effect.
Overall a very beautiful piece. -
Wow
this was absolutely amazing, and I promises you, tomorrow and for many days to come I will observe the people I've never seen and probably never will again and really try to understand them. This is deep and it is meaningful and you did achieve the objective. I love the descriptions, and despite the previous critic saying it was too much, I feel it was just the right amount, for I felt as if I were really in this story. I am even examining my own life through the eyes of another with a similar mind frame, so I may even understand myself further. Excellent job writing this, for now you have jump started my mind.
With love and luck,
Addy
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A...dje...ctives....EVERYWHERE.
Hehe. I liked it though.
Keep up the good work -
This was beautifully written. Your descriptions are amazing, though sometimes overwhelming. The structure was great but the flow was sort of slow. My mind kept working overtime to picture everything you were conjouring. But like i said, it was beautiful. I loved it and just read a little slower than usual. Bravo!!!
Honestly, i enjoyed the beginning more than the end, ..seemed more powerful...but overall, I truely enjoyed. A true talent!!!
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Incredibly descriptive and well-written, but...
too much description.
I'm gonna be honest with you, blondie, even if you hate me for it because that's what I'd want. You often seem to bring an Abrams tank to a small arms firefight. Overwrought descriptions bog down the flow of a story and cause me to lose interest because I have to work so hard to process all of the profusion of intricate imagery. You write very well, but almost too well as it is too much for me to process at once. I can't see the story forest for all of the intricately leaved trees. Less tell, more flow and show, please. Feel free to hate me but I think you're a very good writer and would really benefit from some alacrity and to be a tad more succinct in your descriptions. It bogs the story down and I lose track of the story line. Why say in ten lines what you can imply with a metaphor or action in one? Description can be a real albatross around the story's neck when over-indulged in. I'm sorry, Blondie. I think your writing would benefit from such modification and so I mentioned it. Please don't hate me forever and think me an ass. This is what I honestly thought and I believe in being honest.
al
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The opening sentence is hard to follow. The general idea is made, but I just get a bit thrown off when I read it. I don't mean to a mean editor, but I have a tendancy to notice missed punctuation. And there's a couple of commas here and there missing. Nothing big, just a bit of a distraction.
It's an interesting read, for sure. Though I'm not entirely sure of the inspirationality (my new made-up word) of the story. Still, I liked it. Good work. A little more revision and it'd be even better. Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck. -
We can learn a lot from just keeping our senses open, feeling and thinking about all the seemingly little things that go on around us all the time. Most people don't write stories, partly because they think their stories are not important. When they die their stories die with them. We can keep alive and show the value of people by observing and writing. This story does that.
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I already read this.
You know I enjoyed reading this a second time
But it won't let me comment twice
Still, I can say it is a grand peice of writing.
Geri
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Good luck in the contest.
Since this was done waiting for a bus, you should try catching a plane and we’d have a new ‘War and Peace’
You have wonderful talent for painting with words, your descriptions are terrific, colorful, and I could ‘See’ the activity even as your characters preformed.
Your narrator is a writer who appreciates life and shows the reader how deeply true this is. From the beauty of nature being brutalized by mankind’s rapid advancement, to the callous indifference humans have for one another, you carried a nice flow that was easily followed.
Can I ask what your plans are for this manuscript, it definitely deserves to be published.
Geri
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Thanks for your heartfelt response.
Though I feel somewhat undeserving of such praise. The characters described within were real people I saw while I waited for a bus - down to the three-legged dog.
This piece was something that 'popped' out of my head two days later, and punched out in a little under two hours.
As for the prospect of publishing, I am not sure. I currently have a couple of other similarily short stories, and I wouldn't mind putting together a collection.
Thanks again,
tallblondie
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Nicely done. Great vocabulary....I have to go look up conduit. (= I loved the colors you used too...I'm always on a hunt for new colors to use in description. It wasn't exactly simple, but still the imagery was wonderful. Finalist list.
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Very Good
I usually end up sitting next to very large smelly people on buses. You are extremly fortunate. I'd swear if it were anyone other than you writing this, I would accuse them of perusing a thesarus as they wrote. You are above that.
Ever Prodigious. The obsequious, interminable, pathological, mercurial faux bard,
JJ
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I liked the idea of it and the imagery you use. The only problem I had was when you used words like opalescent or bulbous for example. Many people don't know what those words mean and if they're constantly looking through a dictionary to find out what you're trying to say it may turn them off.
I liked the way you described things... so rich and vibrant with color. It's very well written. Keep up the great work -
I love the vocab used. It is very sophistacated. I like the story! I could see everything. It was very decicrive, too! Keep Writing!!!
. Rewarded 4
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i love the descriptions and i could picture the story in my mind. i love the vocabulary, themes, and emotions that are produced with this story. i like the metaphors/simales. It flowed and it was very well written. Very detailed and keep up the good work. hope you do good in your contest.
. Rewarded 6
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Wow. This was so...suggestive. I loved how you put forth your view on humanity, and the colourful words which you used to describe the themes and emotions within this piece. It's very deep and thoughtful, and flowed freely as well. The symbolism and metaphors were fantastic too- made for a very well written story. It was very detailed, which allowed me to see what I was reading. Great job!
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This is like a poem or prose. I like the free associative tone of voice you used to write what you observed. About halfway through your writing I had the feeling an alien being was noting what they were seeing as they came to earth and then wandered through its environments. Good.
. Rewarded 6
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Great style, great sense of flow. Very poetic. You were able to create images for the reader, and whether the reader agrees with those images or not is of no consequence to any one really. I thoroughly enjoyed this and your style is impeccable. Keep up the great work
. Rewarded 6
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Nice detailed descriptions
I think you have a great beginning for a deeper story. Maybe you could take the characters you created there and make something happen so they would all have to interact. It might be interesting to see where that goes.
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You take a rather environmentalistic tone, using such negative words to describe the influence of humanity on the planet. Sort of made me think a bit along the lines of "damn hippies" which caused some alienation from the 'we' that is the subject in the text.
It also strikes me that this reads like a vocabulary excercise, I wonder if that's conscious or not.. Rewarded 6
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No vocubulary exercise - this is just how I think. And as for the negative connotations - I am imagining the world as seen through the eyes of an omniscient being who views the earth from the 'big picture' level. If you've ever uesed something like Google Earth, you would see that the descrptions are realistic rather than hippy rhetoric.
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Many of the descriptions you use are highly dependant on the viewer's perspective. For example, many, including myself, actually consider the night side of the globe, speckled with the lights of humanity, to be rather pretty, instead of weeping for the 'destruction of beauty.'
Aesthetics are in the eye of the beholder, so summarily declaring roads to be horrendous disfigurations of landscape and using terms like 'defiled' for the state of the oceans and then claiming objectivity and no angle being worked is rather cyclopean.
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This is definitely quite intriguing.. I notice there is no main character, which is different from what I usually read, but it was good. I like your description, althought I think it is a bit too much in some areas.. You use TONS of vocabulary that I had to look up on Dictionary.com. I never knew the word "octogenarians" even existed, but now I know that it is someone between the ages of 80 and 90.. Very interesting. I like that you DO use words most people don't because for those of us who want to expand our vocabulary, it is quite helpful. You have a pretty accurate take on humanity.. I'm actually in a class called "Humanities" and I love how you think about life and write about it. Isn't it funny how our muse comes to us in the strangest ways? You got your inspiration while waiting for a bus.. I find that amazing. I can see how people-watching would do that. ANYway, I found this to be quite an intelligent piece.. Great job and good luck in the contest
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A veritable plethora...
An abundant bounty, from the gems of light to the fine multi textured threads, fabric and fleshy, of life. You fill the macrocosm to the microcosm with your language, infused with a surfeit of words so redolent as to have scented the page. Of course, we but wind up at the bus...
and I had to laugh...but I get it...I do!
(You must have been in love that day!)
Romantic...Dramatic...Nicely written...and obviously from a mellow, gifted and sweet pen.
GA
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Grammar issues first:
I think that first semicolon should be a comma. Love the inky blackness. Love the cadence of paragraph 2 sentence 1, but I'm not sure about "aqueous", as it seems unnecessary as an adjective for oceans. I think the comma after amethyst should not be there, as that seems to be the end of a series of objects.
pp. 3 "As we zoom nearer, great scars..." Not sure what you mean by advancement.
pp. 4 "magnitude" - may be too obtuse. what do you mean by this?
pp. 6 "a scene unfolds: citizens" "one point to the next, clothed with all" - what follows your first semicolon is not an independent clause, and what follow the second one applies to "citizens," so a comma should be perfect there.
pp. 8 - three rhymes with shaggy might be a bit much here
pp. 9 ", her visage of nonchalance a second skin of indifference" this clause is awkward. you're saying she has a facade of indifference, but it's not quite coming across. "appears to be, snide glances" - what follows the semicolon is not an independent clause.
pp. 13 - "two women their junior" - I find this awkward. maybe it's just idiom I'm unfamiliar with, though.
My overall impression is that you had a wonderful, lyrical opening, but when you zoomed in onto an individual level you got to be a bit too scant with things. Maybe it was this highly omniscient and distant narrative that gave you trouble, but we see all these people without really seeing their concerns or what is making them move. I think this story would work a lot better if for each person you could give a little detail about what they're doing and what they want at the moment. Simply having them pass by just doesn't satisfy. Things will get mired down in mere description like that. I like the ending, but if you think about it, I don't think you really illustrated those 'threads of humanity' well enough.
That said, I really was impressed by the first few paragraphs. We recently read a poem by Ponge in my French Lit class, working in Phenomenology. That section kind of reminded me of that, because the prose was so focused in terms of phenomes and cadence. I think it's good that you eventually went into something human, though, as that sort of poetic can get a little wearing, and in fiction the reader eventually wants some human meat.
At any rate, all that I've said, I'll forgo repeating. You used some great vocabulary. I have to say, though, that the picture threw me at first because I thought you were trying to describe it. Until I let that notion go, I had great difficulty making sense of things.
I summary - because things seem better when they end with a summary - I think you need to work on the part of the story where you visit people in the crowd. This has some really good potential, and I think you ought to see it realized.
Mike -
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Thanks for the helpful critique. Have made the suggested changes - maybe you'd like to take another squiz?
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Hmmm... I think maybe you took my suggestion too quickly. I think you need to mull it over and see how it jives with the fundaments of your story. You added some sentences, but that really doesn't change anything from my point of view. You're still *observing* these people, whereas what I think I suggested was that you convey their essence, their life, since what you seem to be trying to describe is a fabric of life. There seems to be an inequity between the attention you pay to poetic detail of the planetscape versus the attention you pay to these people. The thing is, with people, it's not so important what you look like as where you're going and what you want. Maybe it's this 'we' that's holding you back. You're narrator's omniscient; be omniscient. That is to say, give us privileged details about what they are here for, what they're doing. Don't stick to just describing them, but give us some insight into them. That is my suggestion. I think you should consider it at greater length.
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WOW!
What beautiful words and imagery. You convey wonderment and awe with your words. Hooked me from the start and compelled me to read till the end. I like the point of view from afar and how you bring it in to the bus stop and one individual in particular. The connection from the unknown peering at us from above and the woman at the bus stop....priceless. My favorite line "these individual threads of humanity weaving their lives both together and apart...." amazing.
Well done! Keep on writing!
Sincerely,
IGW
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