Life in a day

I like it when it rains. The rain mixes with my tears and I don't know where my tears start and the rain stops.1

I've been sitting here for so long my whole body is numb. My hands are red and my face is burning with the cold. But it doesn't matter, I can't feel anything anyway. I always used to think it would be good to be numb, but it's not good to only have tears as emotions. I wish I could feel the pain. I wish I could yell, and scream, and fight and feel as if I don't deserve what is happening to me. But instead I just sit there and do nothing. Like a bloody statue. Frozen, numb, unable to move, unable to care, unable to feel.2

I will not feel the pain, I will not feel a piece of broken glass scraping down my spine, I will not feel a knife even if you stick it through my heart, I will not feel it scraping bone as it makes it's mark3

It's disgusting. It makes me feel physically ill just thinking about it. Just thinking about him. That smell, of stale beer and cigarette smoke. I can smell it coming down the hallway getting closer and closer. I pray to god that he doesn't come in. That just for once he walks by. I wish he'd alk by, and just keep on walking forever. I wish I could. I would, except for my Mum. I can't just leave her, not like this. 4

So here I am. Sitting in the rain, tears streaming down my face. Frozen, numb, just staring into nothingness. I come here whenever I want to get away from it all. Whenever I want to get away from him. No-one can hurt me here. He comes looking for me sometimes, only when he can stand up straight long enough, but he never finds me. Not yet, anyway. I just sit here wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up. One day after he's finished I might. That'd be the best thing he's ever done for me. The only thing.5

I can see his car driving past now. He must be going to the pub. That's where he's always going. He'll be gone for at least a few hours. I decide I should go home. If I'm in bed and asleep when he gets home, he sometimes forgets that I exist and leaves me alone.6

I walk in the door and am greeted with my Mother. She looks at me with a concerned look on her face. "Oh my god, where have you been? What happened to you?" I look down, my clothes are soaking wet and my shirt is soaked through with something else as well. Blood. Like she doesn't know. Her whole body is covered with scars and bruises. It looks like a new one on her face, but I can't be too sure. My first instinct is to yell at her, What the hell do you think happened you stupid bitch! Why can't you leave him? Why are you letting him do this? But instead I just look at the tears welling in her eyes, hug her frail body, whisper "I love you Mum", and crawl into bed and go to sleep.7

A dream is a land far, far, away deep within your mind?E?E..8

At least I know no dream I have can be as bad as the nightmare I'm living.9