Unidentified Death

As I look at you, your dark, green eyes dance in the sunlight.1

I see you smile, revealing your pearly, shimmering teeth.2

Your blonde hair is swooped back, from the wind whistling around us.3

I hear you call my name, like a robin singing its early morning tune.4

Then, out of the dark clouds rising behind us, a thunder clap shrills through the approaching dusk.5

You collapse to the ground, gripping your chest, you hair falling out piece by piece.6

Your beautiful green eyes are now covered by your eyelids, the enemy of it all.7

Your heart, dancing in rhythm like a clock ticking, now stops without notice.8

Oh dear lord, I have lost you, I have lost you.9

I will never see your green eyes again, like two lily pads floating in the sea.10

I hope I will pass away suddenly as well, to see you for all eternity.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Rhonin gold member
    July 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was a very short, yet also forceful piece. after a beautiful opening, that very beauty is struck down abruptly, thus having a huge impact on the speaker. for such a short work, it was surprisingly well done.


  • NinjaMegami
    July 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Great job! "I will never see your green eyes again, like two lily pads floating in the sea." That was a memorable line.........................................
    .............................What else.....oh! Good luck!!!!!


  • Shadow06
    July 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This so powerful. Good job girl!


  • Reaver Greeters member
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very well done. You brought the emotion to life with words and created a strong self sense. I enjoyed it thoughouly~! Bravo!


  • checkmate-
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow... This is really good. So sad! This is packed with emotion. You used such strong imagery, and I could clearly sense the feelings. I have no suggestions, because this is so original! Thanks for entering, good luck, and keep writing!


  • Midnightmare
    March 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    niiiice. i like this... soft and smoothly written.
    It was well written and didn't really find anything that i would suggest improving or anything... so i guess this comment is short... but thats good, right? lol
    Thank you for entering and best of luck!


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    March 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The descriptions and metaphore in this poems were wonderfully done. It did decently well on origionality, but I've read another like it today. A sad peice, but well written none the less.

  • i-will-let-you-be
    March 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a wonderfully written poem, I really loved the metaphors and abstractions you used.

    "I hear you call my name, like a robin singing its early morning tune."
    Nice comparison. It helps the reader imagine what the girl sounded like.

    "Your heart, dancing in rhythm like a clock ticking, now stops without notice"
    I also really liked the referral of a heart to a clock. Really nice metaphor.

    I almost wish this was a bit longer to see more of your beautiful descriptions. Nicely done!


  • LadyLionnir
    March 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    What I was looking for!!! Awesome, I could feel the emotion so clearly and you used such strong imagery. I think you met the challenge and surpassed it. I love this part:
    "I will never see your green eyes again, like two lily pads floating in the sea"
    Such a brilliant sentence there. Emotion, imagery, pain. I love it!!! Keep writing poetry, you have a gift.

1 - 9 of 9