Heartbreak

UNDER REVISION

Author notes

Some of the memories are real.

"LOVE: The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - contest quote

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Violette silver member
    April 19

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    So far, so good!

    I thought you were a little too descriptive at times- you needed to break down some of your sentences into two. The ending also caught me off guard-not what I was expecting. I loved the emotions portrayed in this piece however-fantastic!


  • tallblondie gold member
    May 2, 2008
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    Having already commented on this previously, I just would like to re-emphasise that I liked the raw emotion of this piece. As regards the contest, you did use some description language, but not enough to set it apart.

    Thank you for your entry and good luck.


  • Melli
    March 29, 2008

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    Hmm, It was goood. I didn;t like the ending though. All of it was good, except the ending. it just didnt fit and it didnt flow. sorry. thanks for enterying and good luck.

    KEEP.WRITING.

    -Melli<33


  • HopelesslyInLove
    March 25, 2008
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    Fantastic Job! Thanks for entering my contest and best of luck!

    *KAT*


  • tallblondie gold member
    March 15, 2008
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    Nice start to something longer. Good description as insertion of raw emotion.
    Keep writing!

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • Fizbop
    March 12, 2008

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    very well done and well written this seems to be a wonderfuly done tribute. It's well worded and the flow is wonderfull.


  • EphemeralStyle
    March 12, 2008
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    (in my view)

    The use of brackets here affects the flow a bit... how about something like, 'as I stared at what I viewed as my deformed reflection.' Just a suggestion, though

    This post is short so I can't guess yet exactly what this story will be about, but it sounds good ^^

    I'll be back for more

    Eph

  • daftweejimmy gold member
    March 12, 2008
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    so far, so good!

    beginning: 4, language: 4.

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