The wind rips the water in torrents, pelting it with its abundance of raindrops and ice. Driven on without rest, the waves cascade about me, pushing me down into murky depths. Fighting with clawed fingers and beating legs I break the surface again for the next uncounted time. Salty brine stings my eyes and my hair is plastered to my face. Gaping breaths escape my lips. Direction is lost. I am wearied by the constant battle...1
My limbs slowly lose energy; my gapes slowly sigh.2
And I slowly die. But still the storm does not stop—it only alleviates a little and carries my body onwards, over the swimming silver specters below. My lips twitch upwards in a smile and the ghastly frozen expression of death softens. But I am still dead. Above me the clouds begin to whiten and the waterfall turns to a trickle. A dull thump rebounds in my skull, like the bashing of two coconuts together, and my form stops floating. Sand scratches against my fingertips, and the call of seagulls squawk upon the now-gentle, chivalrous breeze.3
Roughly, something grabs hold of my wrists. A couple grunts in an unknown dialect and then the unseen one begins to drag me up along the beach. A piece of driftwood scratches my arm. Finally, the native releases his grips on me and is gone for a while. After a couple of long-timed moments, my being has gone completely stiff and the native returns still grunting. I’m rolled to the side and then rolled again, seashells pressing against my abdomen. Weight begins to collect on my left and I fall over an edge. I tumble into a murky depth, enclosed by earthy walls and I never hit bottom. I just continue falling down, down into that darkened chasm...
Author notes
This is written in 1st POV for a reason; it will not be changed to 3rd-person.
A contest entry
- Quick Quickies: Shorties by tallblondie.
210 points, ended July 8, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Great descriptions. I think I've read this before. But I still thought it was good.
Brooke -
This is generally good but several points I thought worth noting:
As everyone else has already said, it would be better in third person.
If they're already dead, then what's with the darkened chasm? "darkened chasm" is usually used to allude to death, in my experience.
The rest of the story is very beautiful and haunting, whereas the final paragraph just seems out of tune with the rest.
"My gapes slowly sigh" - what does this mean? I'm confused.
Ellipsis overuse! Be careful how much you use that faithful dot-dot-dot. -
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Okay, perhaps I should explain myself. I didn't expect this to be a very popular piece, just something that I wanted to write.
This story is about fighting and transportation--from life to death. The reason for the 1st person POV is that the person is a spirit, able to see everything.
Yes, "darkened chasm" is an allusion to death, but not bodily death in this short; moreso the place that he finally ended up.
His 'gapes' slowed until they were 'sighs.'
And yeah, I overused the ellipses(es) lol
Thanks for the comment!
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Nice. Very descriptive and very powerful imagry. I'm not sure I got your point - what you were trying to put across by writing it, but it kept me reading, so...
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Interesting
My first impression is that the man dies,'down into that darkened chasm'.
You write with very descriptive imagery. one thing, paragraph 2--'my gapes slowly sigh'--did you mean gasps?
I know you said you wouldn't continue this, but this is more of an excerpt than a story. Number one rule, biginning, middle and end. This peice would have been much better if not written in the first person. The writing itself is very good, I can feel the man/woman drowning. You have a way of conjuring up words of description that put a definite chill on this piece.
Good job! Keep on writing!
IGW -
Interesting Idea
Sounds like an interesting start of a story... I wasn't quite sure about the end, though; I understood everything, but it just felt like the end was a bit too floaty... Kind of -
First of all may I say that I really like your writing. I've read some of your stuff before and like the rest of it this peice was quite awesome.
I must however say that though I did understand this peice and the drift of what you were trying to say as well as what you were writing on- death, I must concour with Rafeil and say that the first person point of view did not fit very well, and led to some minor confusion.
To fix this problem I would recommend writing this scene in third person, or maybe in first person as the character looks back and tries to recollect what has just happened.
gahh I apologize for any chopiness in my comment.
You have a wonderful idea and concept with this scene!
bleue.
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I liked the vagueness and the grasp of your introduction. I would have liked to see this in third person perspective because it just seems more appropriate for a story like this. But hey, thats just me. I can't wait to see more of it but keep in mind that you have to continue to keep it interesting. So often the intoduction is promesing but it leads to a very dry and boaring middle. Keep it up.
. Rewarded 8
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I really liked the story especially the title as i love swimming too.
But the story really captivated me cos it was different than any story i ever read.
quite understandable
xN. Rewarded 4
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The first-person voice seems odd, as the character spends most of the story dead. Also, the plummet into the 'white abyss' at the end seems rather peculiar, again because the character has already been a corpse for a while. If it had come at the point of death, then it would have been quite understandable, but here? Mighty queer.
. Rewarded 6
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