Paint It Black

I can’t say, ‘It was the right thing to do’. I can’t say, ‘No regrets’. 1

I can’t say, ‘I’m a good person’.2

But at least now, I can say… ‘My life is worth committing to paper’.3

Tequila still stings. Eyesight – shot. I manage to stay on my stool, somehow. The mirror behind the bar shows me a reflection I don’t want to claim, so I turn and watch the people who belong here having a good time on the dance floor. I would’ve enjoyed this place, 10 years ago. The lighting (flashing reds, greens and blues), combined with my state of consciousness, makes them all look like rock stars; even the fat ones. My eyes lock on to this too hot for life broad who makes me ache in ways I don’t want to contemplate, so I turn back to the bar. 4

‘Wakey, wakey, sweetness.’ 5

The girl from the dance floor is stood in front of me, smiling at me with all she’s got, and that’s saying something. After I remember where I am, I smile back, and not much else.6

‘You want to buy me a drink then, sweetness?’7

I do. I so fucking do. 8

The way she holds my eye contact is destroying me… I know I’m talking to her, but I’m not entirely sure what I’m saying. My mind is far too occupied being amazed. Eyes that belong in Japanese animation, a face that defines perfection, and with red stilettos setting off an outfit made for the likes of Marilyn Monroe; I can’t believe my luck. She’s intoxicating in a way I can’t get enough of. 9

‘You want to go somewhere else, get to know a bit more of me, sweetness?’10

I do. I so fucking do.11

First time, didn’t get out the pits. Second time, doing a victory lap for like 2 fucking hours. Un-fucking-believable. 12

‘So you just walked out, huh?’13

Her voice vibrates through my chest; I like the way it feels. I run my fingers through her hair, down her back; I like the way she feels. 14

‘My wife, my kids, my job. Yeah, I just walked out. Been visiting places a previous me would’ve enjoyed, trying to work out where all my hopes of something… more went. Man of the Year, huh? It’s been a week. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.’15

She stretches across me for the cigarettes, lights two, gives one to me. She props her head on her hands, and the light of the cherry amplifies the glint in her eye. 16

‘You’re painting it black.’ 17

I cough, trying not to laugh.18

‘Excuse me?’19

She tuts.20

‘Painting it black, dum dum. You didn’t like what you saw, so you’re blacking it out. Starting afresh.’21

‘Cute. Surely I’d paint it white though? You know, clean start…’22

Again, she tuts.23

‘For an older man, you are so fucking naïve.’ 24

Maybe I am.25

Enough talk… 26

‘Do you want to run away with me, sweetness?’27

I do. I so fucking do.28

‘Please, you don’t have to do this. We could just go straight to the airport, really…’ 29

Her tears hurt me more and more, every time I see them. 30

‘Not fucking true. What he’s done to you, the things you’ve told me. If I don’t do this, it’ll never stop eating me. After what you’ve said he’s done… I can’t walk… I can’t walk away… and… and let him live on, like he’s… like he’s… FUCK!’31

I hit the steering wheel with both fists until she calms me down. She takes my hands in hers, leans in close and speaks just above a whisper.32

‘Then do it. Do it now’.33

She kisses me slowly, passionately, wholly. 34

I stare into her eyes; feel my blood begin to rise. The adrenaline hits me. I get out the car, put the piece down my waistband, pull up my hood. 35

The back doors unlocked, just like she said. Little light comes in through the window from the street lamp outside, and I move ever-so-fucking carefully through a sty of a kitchen. As I ease the front-room door open, the light of a television screen and the sound of snoring is all that greets me. The fucking lump is asleep, in front of low grade docu-porn with chips and dips surrounding his sorry fucking throne. I stand directly above him, feeling the hate come through me. I pull out the piece. 36

‘You miserable fucking cunt’. 37

He grunts. His eyes open – the horror within them, as he realises what’s going down, pleases me in a wrong way. Just pulling the trigger won’t be enough. I want more. 38

‘Baby. Oh baby. I was so worried. Look at you. What took so long? Is it done? I didn’t hear a shot.’ 39

‘It’s done.’40

For the first time in my life, I’ve done something that meant… something… anything. 41

‘Can I get you anything to drink, Sir?’42

I wave the stewardess away, mouthing no thank you; she’s asleep and I don’t want to risk waking her. The man sat next to me obviously doesn’t get the picture, as he very vocally orders himself a whisky. 43

‘Say son, that is a mighty fine bit o’ Lady you’ve got there, if you don’t mind me sayin’.’44

He must’ve mistaken my annoyance for a want of conversation. 45

‘She is… so, no… I don’t mind.’ 46

He takes his drink, tips his Stetson at the stewardess and his eyes follow her away.47

‘Mmm, mmm. That’s a fine tall drink of woman an’ all. Yes sir-ry.’48

This pure fucking cowboy clown is seriously grating on me. 49

‘Say, I’m just to wondering… is that there cooze your wife?’50

His grey moustache twitches as he leans in, eyebrows raised, tapping my wedding band with his finger, chuckling away at me like we’re back on the ranch, spitting tobacco. 51

‘No. She’s not.’52

He fucking twitters in delight.53

‘Can I spot them or what? Heh heh! I could see it from take off, yes sir-ry. Off for a sordid bit o’ lovin’ in the good ol’ U S of A, huh?’54

I stare into his eyes, which remain jovial with dogged determination, despite my disgust being thinly veiled, if at all. 55

‘Actually, I’m leaving my listless non-event life behind, with a girl I’ve just met, whose molesting fucking Father I’ve beaten to death… just so that I can feel something… you know, for a change.’ 56

I’ll be damned if I didn’t see that joviality flicker.57

‘I don’t think I’ve ever made an entrance that good, sweetness.’ 58

The jaws of every hick here are still on the floor; two strangers, dressed to the nines, strutting through their bar apparently doesn’t happen every day. We laughed every fucking step.59

She sits at the bar, crosses her legs, flicks her hair back and flashes me devil wicked eyes. The past two days have been a blur; fucking, drinking, fucking and spending my life savings. Her dress - $2000. My suit - $1500 and change. Worth every fucking penny. After several bourbons, I find the nerve to speak my mind…60

‘So… what now?’61

She stretches and smiles, wicked sexy. 62

‘You just watch me.’ 63

She slinks over toward the pool table, a siren of sexuality in her red dress with the plunging backline. The two meat heads forget their game and simply stare. I strain to hear what she says to them; the duke box puts paid to that. I keep an eye on her, trying to remain as inconspicuous and unconcerned as possible. The pool player with hair accepts defeat and leaves his can’t-believe-his-luck friend to play the worst game of pool of his life. Seeing her flirt with him - so openly, so blatantly – stirs something in me.64

Occasionally, our eyes catch, and I can see the satisfaction curl the sides of her mouth, and I feel it working on mine. When the black’s down, she drapes herself round him, whispering something in his ear, stroking his bald fucking head. I’m on my stool trying to hold myself in. I don’t know if I’m angry, aroused or amused. I do know I’m fixated. 65

She fires me one last glance, takes him by the hand, leads him out the exit. I find myself balling fists. I wait as long as I can, building the adrenaline, breathing in the anger/arousal.66

Finally, it’s too much; I’m out the door, looking round the dimly lit car park for any sign of her. Where are you? I hear her giggling, then gasping. I follow the sound, down an alley at the side, until I’m stood directly behind the bald fuck. She has one leg wrapped round him, one hand clawing his back, the other running through her own hair. She looks me directly in the eye and moans in mock ecstasy, before closing her eyes again. He’s working on her neck like Dracula. I pick up a brick, grab his jacket collar, spin him round; destroy his face. I’ll never forget the sound.67

She falls to the floor, breathing heavily, eyes ablaze, laughter on her lips. She flicks her hair from her face, looks up at me and holds out her arm for me to help her up. 68

‘You made a liar out of me. I promised him a good time.’69

I grab her wrists, pin her against the wall. 70

‘Take his keys and his wallet.’71

We kiss, wicked intense.72

‘I want you now.’73

I make her feel how badly. 74

He was the first. 75

Peyote in Vegas, Acid in San Fran, Coke in the Big Apple.76

We live the high life; stealing what we want, fucking when we want, killing who we need to. We make our way across America, living the life of dreams; fucked up dreams, perhaps, but the Partridge family, we are not. 77

There’s no goal. There’s no aim. If there’s any meaning, it’s subjective; make of it what you will; that’s what I do. 78

We simply live from day to day, each to the other the catalyst, the excuse, to feel like someone we want to be. The way she tells it…79

‘If we don’t have a plan, it can’t go wrong.’80

‘You know this is going to end bad, right?’81

‘If you say so, sweetness, if you say so.’82

‘There’s something I have to tell you…’83

My knuckles sting and bleed profusely; the door and the wall are worse off. I fucking knew it, I fucking knew it, but I didn’t need to be told it. I throw the television through the window and scream at the shards. I sit on the bed as I feel the rage and adrenaline subside, put my head in my hands, rock back and forth. 84

I knew he didn’t touch her, being with her for this long taught me that; too undamaged, too confident. She twists things, makes them convenient for her. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did; nothing for it. She just wanted to escape from her life, from herself; if anyone can understand that, it’s me. She’s given my life a semblance of meaning; a semblance of something. I can’t be without her; she knows this. 85

I tidy the motel room as best I can. Besides, in a sty like this, I doubt anyone’ll have a fuck to give; more and more, we’re having to hide away in these roach holes.86

I bed down for my first night without her in over 4 months. When she gets back, we’ll work this out. If she comes back… stop.87

Leave the worrying to the morning…88

‘You stupid sonofabitch’ 89

I wake with a start, try to work out what the fuck is going on. I’m looking down the barrel of a gun; cop type – holding it, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. I deduce that I’m at least royally fucked. 90

‘Now if I was a wanted fugitive, I’d restrain myself some.’ 91

He giggles; pure Pillsbury Dough Boy. 92

I’m shoved head first into a cop car, ridiculed every step. 93

The two pigs sit their fat asses down, decide their drawl is what I need to hear, so consequently berate me.94

‘Here you is… all on your lonesome, and damn, if we weren’t thinking Christmas had come early; bag both your sorry asses. One sorry ass’ll do for now, though, we been waiting ‘round long enough; looks like she’s done left you, fuck-o.’95

He laughs it up with his fellow officer at my expense. Led on the back seat, I have jack to say; I’m handcuffed and it dawns on me that I’m biblically fucked. I can’t believe she’s left me…96

‘Can’t say I blame her; hardly the brightest peanut in the turd, are ya’? I mean, shit… throwing your damn teevee out the window?’ 97

They both laugh wicked loud. 98

We’re on the road for a while… I’m trapped in my own head ‘till a scream pulls me out of it. 99

‘HOLY SHIT! LOOK OUT!’100

The headlights of the oncoming car makes the fear in their faces wicked clear. 101

It hits us side on. 102

We roll. 103

And roll. 104

I wake in a cheap motel bed. The only sounds, a shower running, Rolling Stones blaring; ‘I could not foresee this thing happening to you…’ 105

My head hurts crazy bad. The water stops; a heavenly figure fills the door frame.106

‘Wakey, wakey, sweetness.’ 107

I can’t say, ‘It was the right thing to do’. I can’t say, ‘No regrets’. 108

I can’t say, ‘I’m a good person’.109

But at least now, I can say… ‘My life is worth committing to paper’.110

The End111