When Christ Met the Cowboys

((tHe hArD tO rEaD vErSiOn So i dOn'T gEt DQ'd))1

WhEN JEsUs MEt thE COwbOys.2

it wAs AN AUtrOciOUsly cOld dAy thAt sAw JEsUs wAlkiNg dOwN A lONg dirt pAth with tOrN jEANs ANd A bANdANA cOvEriNg his prEciOUs hAir tO kEEp thE rAiN Off Of it. HE didN't kNOw whErE hE wAs ANd At this pOiNt, wE dON't kNOw whErE hE is EithEr. HE cOUld bE iN NEw yOrk, DAmAscUs, Or EvEN HONg KONg. BUt As hE wAlkEd fArthEr Up thE pAth thE distANt sOUNd Of pOUNdiNg hOOvEs rUNg iN his EArs.3

“COwbOys,” hE mUrmUrEd, shAkiNg his hEAd iN shAmE. “ThOsE blAsphEmOUs sOdOmitEs.”4

HE cArriEd ON thOUgh bEcAUsE thE clOsEr hE gOt, thE mOrE lightly thE rAiN sEEmEd tO fAll tO thE pOiNt whErE hE wAs stANdiNg bEfOrE A grEAt WhitE HOUsE thAt didN't hAvE A siNglE clOUd AbOvE ANd NO sigN Of rAiN iN ANy Of thE fiElds ArOUNd him. yEt, As sOON As hE lOOkEd AwAy frOm thE WhitE HOUsE, rAiN stArtEd tO fAll ArOUNd him.5

SighiNg, hE climbEd thE stEps ANd kNOckEd ON thE grEAt WhitE DOOr. HE wAitEd A lONg timE bEfOrE hE hEArd thE pAttEr Of fEEt cOmiNg frOm iNsidE thE WhitE HOUsE. “GEOrgEy, cAN yOU gEt thAt fOr mE?” A swEEt – yEt dEEp -- vOicE cAllEd. ThErE wAs A lAUgh ANd thE dOOr wAs pUllEd OpEN.6

“JEsUs Christ, OsAmmy, it's JEsUs Christ!” thE mAN-whO-rEsEmblEd-A-mONkEy ExclAimEd.7

HE cOckEd his hEAd tO thE sidE cUriOUsly. “ANd whOm might yOU bE, SON?”8

“JEsUs Christ,” thE mAN sAid AgAiN, gEstUriNg his friENd OvEr. HE frOwNEd At thE mAN, fAbric pilEd AtOp his hEAd whilE hE stOOd thErE with NO shirt ON. “OsAmmy, cAN yOU bEliEvE it?”9

ThE dArk mAN frOwNEd bAck At him ANd JEsUs wAs stArtlEd. NO mAN hAd EvEr frOwNEd At him! WhAt kiNd Of hEAthEN wAs hE?10

“i cAN't sAy i kNOw why yOU'rE hErE,” thE dArk mAN sAid, his vOicE liltiNg with AN AccENt hE hAdN't NOticEd frOm thE cAlls iNsidE thE hOUsE. “yOU dON't lOOk likE A COwbOy tO mE. ANd ONly REAl COwbOys cOmE hErE.”11

JEsUs lAUghEd, “HOw dO yOU kNOw i'm NOt A REAl COwbOy?” hE AskEd, smirkiNg hAUghtily. “WhO ArE yOU tO jUdgE mE?”12

ThE mONkEy sNickErEd ANd ExchANgEd A 'sigNificANt' lOOk with thE dArk mAN. “HOw lONg cAN yOU lAst iN thE sAddlE?” hE AskEd, qUirkiNg his EyEbrOw iNElEgANtly.13

ThE dArk mAN gAvE A hEArty gUffAw, slAppiNg thE mONkEy-mAN ON thE bAck. “i'll gO clEAN thE tAck, GEOrgEy. i'll mEEt yOU iN thE pAddOck?”14

“DO i gEt tO pick my mOUNt?” hE AskEd, clAppiNg his hANds iN ExcitEmENt. “i'll tAkE thE biggEst, bAddEst stAlliON yOU'vE gOt. ANd i'll gO bArEbAck.”15

ThE mONkEy-mAN lOOkEd At him with widE, UNbEliEviNg EyEs. “D-d-d-O yOU thiNk yOU'll NEEd A crOp tO kEEp him iN liNE?” thE mAN AskEd, his vOicE Oddly shAkEy.16

JEsUs lAUghEd OUtright, clAppiNg thE mONkEy-mAN ON thE bAck. “yOU'rE A yOUNg ONE, ArEN't yOU GEOrgEy,” hE sAid brightly. “i'm JEsUs Christ, rEmEmbEr? i cAN tAmE ANy wild bEAst.”17

TO his sUrprisE, thE mONkEy-mAN gEstUrEd him iNtO thE WhitE HOUsE bUt hE thOUght NOthiNg Of it As hE fOllOwEd thE strANgE fEllOw thrOUgh whAt lOOkEd likE A liviNg rOOm ANd thEN iNtO whAt mUst hAvE bEEN thE kitchEN. 18

“yOU'll thANk mE fOr this lAtEr,” thE mONkEy-mAN sAid, hANdiNg him A glAss Of wAtEr. “DriNk it dOwN fAst. OsAmmy's stAlliON dOEsN't likE tO wAit ArOUNd fOr slOwpOkEs.”19

HE did whAt hE wAs tOld, swAllOwiNg thE wAtEr dOwN qUickly ANd smAckiNg thE glAss AgAiNst thE cOUNtEr iN A displAy Of mANly-strENgth. “i'm rEAdy,” hE sAid, hEAd hEld high. “LEt's sEE thEsE brUtEs yOU cAll mOUNts.”20

HE cOUld hEAr fUNNy NOisEs cOmiNg frOm thE NExt rOOm ANd wAs glAd whEN GEOrgEy pOkEd his hEAd iN which mUst hAvE scArEd thE littlE ANimAls AwAy bEfOrE hE lEd him iNtO thE rOOm. it hAd plUsh grEEN cArpEts ANd sky blUE wAlls ANd cEiliNg with littlE pUffs Of whitE hANgiNg dOwN As lights. iN ONE cOrNEr Of thE rOOm wAs A sAddlE pOsitiONEd OvEr A bAlE Of hAy, A littlE whitE pickEt fENcE ArOUNd it. HE lOOkEd ArOUNd ANd gAspEd whEN hE sAw whAt wAs lyiNg iN whAt lOOkEd tO bE A pilE Of mUd thAt rEflEctEd light likE ONly silk cOUld.21

“TAkE yOUr clOthEs Off,” thE dArk mAN lyiNg sprAwlEd OUt bEfOrE him grOwlEd At him. “DO it fAst.”22

HE stArEd At him iN stArk bEwildErmENt. “OsAmmy, sON, dO yOU kNOw whO i Am?”23

ThE mONkEy-mAN pUt A firm hANd ON his shOUldEr ANd whispErEd iN his EAr, “HE's thE fiNEst stAlliON wE'vE gOt. HE dOEsN't OftEN gEt tO bE ridEN by sOmEONE whO clAims tO bE As skillEd As yOU.”24

JEsUs shivErEd iNvOlUNtArily bUt shUckEd his dirty clOthiNg Off qUickly, stANdiNg shAmElEssly NAkEd bEfOrE thE twO mEN.25

“My, my, JEsUs Christ,” thE dArk mAN pUrrEd, mOviNg ON All fOUrs tOwArds him. “i sEE wE'vE cAUght OUrsElvEs A rEAl wild mUstANg.”26

ThE mONkEy-mAN wAs tAkiNg his shirt Off As hE sNiggErEd thAt mANly sNiggEr thAt sUggEstEd sOmE iNsidE, sExUAl jOkE. “ArE yOU gOiNg tO lEt him tAkE thE hErd?” mONkEy-mAN AskEd iN A sUltry, lOw vOicE.27

ThE dArk mAN mAdE A smAll NOisE, rUbbiNg his scrAtchy chEEk Up his lEg. “ThE mUstANg hAs tO tEmpt thE StAlliON first,” hE whispErEd AgAiNst his skiN.28

JEsUs shUddErEd As thE dArk mAN rAN his tONgUE slOwly AcrOss his thigh. “Fight mE,” hE grOwlEd, hEAd-bUttiNg jUst AbOvE his grOiN, cAtchiNg him by sUrprisE. “Fight mE fOr my hErd.”29

HE stUmblEd bAckwArds bEfOrE lAUNchiNg himsElf At thE dArk mAN, grOwliNg ANgrily. “NO ONE hEAdbUtts JEsUs Christ,” hE sAid, piNNiNg thE dArk mAN tO thE grOUNd. “NOt EvEN A StAlliON.”30

“GOOd, gOOd,” thE mONkEy-mAN mUrmUrEd frOm bEhiNd thEm, bUt JEsUs pAid him NO AttENtiON. 31

“i wON't lOsE,” hE grOwlEd iN thE dArk mAN's EAr, lEANiNg lOw ANd clOsE, prEssiNg thEir bOdiEs tOgEthEr. “NOt tO A hEAthEN.”32

ThE dArk mAN lAUghEd ANd thrEw him Off, rEAchiNg fOr A ridiNg crOp ANd briNgiNg it dOwN AcrOss JEsUs' bAck.33

“yOU dirty hEAthEN,” JEsUs hissEd, grAbbiNg thE crOp ANd rOlliNg thE dArk mAN ONtO his hANds ANd kNEEs, lAshiNg his bAck fivE, six, sEvEN timEs with thE crOp. “i'll shOw yOU.”34

With A qUick thrUst, hE tOrE iNtO thE dArk mAN. ThE dArk mAN mAdE A gAspiNg NOisE, shUddEriNg ANd whimpEriNg. “ThAt's right,” JEsUs grOwlEd, slAmmiNg iNtO him ANd bEAtiNg thE dArk mAN's sidEs with thE crOp. “FAstEr, hArdEr, hArdEr!”35

ThE dArk mAN criEd OUt whEN hE pUllEd AwAy, slAppiNg thE dArk mAN's bEhiNd hArd ENOUgh tO sENd him stUmbliNg fOrwArd, fightiNg tO kEEp frOm slAmmiNg iNtO thE grOUNd.36

“yOUr hErd is miNE,” JEsUs sAid, still firm iN his bEliEfs, pEttiNg his mUstANg gENtly As hE wAtchEd thE mONkEy-mAN gO tO thE dArk mAN. “TAkE him,” hE OrdErEd thE dArk mAN.37

ThE mONkEy-mAN mAdE A qUiEt NOisE, lOOkiNg Up At him with widE, trUstiNg EyEs. ThE dArk mAN pOsitiONEd himsElf bEhiNd thE mONkEy-mAN, prEssiNg slOwly iNtO him As JEsUs tOOk A stEp clOsEr tO mONkEy-mAN. “ClEAN Up my mUstANg, sON,” hE mUrmUrEd, pEttiNg thE mONkEy-mAN's hAir. “HE hAd A gOOd rUN iN thE mUddy swAmps tOdAy.”38

ThE dArk mAN mOANEd As hE stArtEd tO thrUst hArdEr iNtO thE mONkEy-mAN, wAtchiNg him tAkE thE mUstANg iN his mOUth, hEAd bObbiNg with thE mOtiON Of thE thrUsts.39

“HArdEr, OsAmmy,” JEsUs pANtEd, hEAd rOlliNg bAck As thE mONkEy-mAN lickEd ANd sUckEd, slAmmiNg thE hEAd Of his mUstANg AgAiNst thE bAck Of his thrOAt.40

ThE dArk mAN grUNtEd As hE pUmpEd his hips fUriOUsly iNtO thE mONkEy-mAN's, drAwiNg sOft mOANs frOm thE mONkEy-mAN ANd criEs frOm JEsUs.41

“yEs, GEOrgEy, yOU'vE gOt it, Oh GEOrgEy,” hE mOANEd, shUddEriNg As hE EmptiEd himsElf iNtO thE bAck Of thE mONkEy-mAN's thrOAt. “Oh GOd whO Art iN hEAvEN,” hE mUrmUrEd, fAlliNg tO his kNEEs.42

ThE dArk mAN spAsmEd bEhiNd thE mONkEy-mAN, cryiNg OUt NONsENsE As hE fEll OvEr thE OthEr mAN. “JEsUs Christ,” hE mUttErEd. “yOU ArE thE REAl COwbOy.”43

~~44

((the easy to read version for your reading pleasure)) 45

It was an atrociously cold day that saw Jesus walking down a long dirt path with torn jeans and a bandanna covering his precious hair to keep the rain off of it. He didn't know where he was and at this point, we don't know where he is either. He could be in New York, Damascus, or even Hong Kong. But as he walked farther up the path the distant sound of pounding hooves rung in his ears.46

“Cowboys,” he murmured, shaking his head in shame. “Those blasphemous sodomites.”47

He carried on though because the closer he got, the more lightly the rain seemed to fall to the point where he was standing before a great White House that didn't have a single cloud above and no sign of rain in any of the fields around him. Yet, as soon as he looked away from the White House, rain started to fall around him.48

Sighing, he climbed the steps and knocked on the great White Door. He waited a long time before he heard the patter of feet coming from inside the White House. “Georgey, can you get that for me?” a sweet – yet deep -- voice called. There was a laugh and the door was pulled open.49

“Jesus Christ, Osammy, it's Jesus Christ!” the man-who-resembled-a-monkey exclaimed.50

He cocked his head to the side curiously. “And whom might you be, Son?”51

“Jesus Christ,” the man said again, gesturing his friend over. He frowned at the man, fabric piled atop his head while he stood there with no shirt on. “Osammy, can you believe it?”52

The dark man frowned back at him and Jesus was startled. No man had ever frowned at him! What kind of heathen was he?53

“I can't say I know why you're here,” the dark man said, his voice lilting with an accent he hadn't noticed from the calls inside the house. “You don't look like a Cowboy to me. And only Real Cowboys come here.”54

Jesus laughed, “How do you know I'm not a Real Cowboy?” he asked, smirking haughtily. “Who are you to judge me?”55

The monkey snickered and exchanged a 'significant' look with the dark man. “How long can you last in the saddle?” he asked, quirking his eyebrow inelegantly.56

The dark man gave a hearty guffaw, slapping the monkey-man on the back. “I'll go clean the tack, Georgey. I'll meet you in the paddock?”57

“Do I get to pick my mount?” he asked, clapping his hands in excitement. “I'll take the biggest, baddest stallion you've got. And I'll go bareback.”58

The monkey-man looked at him with wide, unbelieving eyes. “D-d-d-o you think you'll need a crop to keep him in line?” the man asked, his voice oddly shaky.59

Jesus laughed outright, clapping the monkey-man on the back. “You're a young one, aren't you Georgey,” he said brightly. “I'm Jesus Christ, remember? I can tame any wild beast.”60

To his surprise, the monkey-man gestured him into the White House but he thought nothing of it as he followed the strange fellow through what looked like a living room and then into what must have been the kitchen. 61

“You'll thank me for this later,” the monkey-man said, handing him a glass of water. “Drink it down fast. Osammy's stallion doesn't like to wait around for slowpokes.”62

He did what he was told, swallowing the water down quickly and smacking the glass against the counter in a display of manly-strength. “I'm ready,” he said, head held high. “Let's see these brutes you call mounts.”63

He could hear funny noises coming from the next room and was glad when Georgey poked his head in which must have scared the little animals away before he led him into the room. It had plush green carpets and sky blue walls and ceiling with little puffs of white hanging down as lights. In one corner of the room was a saddle positioned over a bale of hay, a little white picket fence around it. He looked around and gasped when he saw what was lying in what looked to be a pile of mud that reflected light like only silk could.64

“Take your clothes off,” the dark man lying sprawled out before him growled at him. “Do it fast.”65

He stared at him in stark bewilderment. “Osammy, son, do you know who I am?”66

The monkey-man put a firm hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear, “He's the finest stallion we've got. He doesn't often get to be ridden by someone who claims to be as skilled as you.”67

Jesus shivered involuntarily but shucked his dirty clothing off quickly, standing shamelessly naked before the two men.68

“My, my, Jesus Christ,” the dark man purred, moving on all fours towards him. “I see we've caught ourselves a real wild mustang.”69

The monkey-man was taking his shirt off as he sniggered that manly snigger that suggested some inside, sexual joke. “Are you going to let him take the herd?” monkey-man asked in a sultry, low voice.70

The dark man made a small noise, rubbing his scratchy cheek up his leg. “The mustang has to tempt the Stallion first,” he whispered against his skin.71

Jesus shuddered as the dark man ran his tongue slowly across his thigh. “Fight me,” he growled, head-butting just above his groin, catching him by surprise. “Fight me for my herd.”72

He stumbled backwards before launching himself at the dark man, growling angrily. “No one headbutts Jesus Christ,” he said, pinning the dark man to the ground. “Not even a Stallion.”73

“Good, good,” the monkey-man murmured from behind them, but Jesus paid him no attention. 74

“I won't lose,” he growled in the dark man's ear, leaning low and close, pressing their bodies together. “Not to a heathen.”75

The dark man laughed and threw him off, reaching for a riding crop and bringing it down across Jesus' back.76

“You dirty heathen,” Jesus hissed, grabbing the crop and rolling the dark man onto his hands and knees, lashing his back five, six, seven times with the crop. “I'll show you.”77

With a quick thrust, he tore into the dark man. The dark man made a gasping noise, shuddering and whimpering. “That's right,” Jesus growled, slamming into him and beating the dark man's sides with the crop. “Faster, harder, harder!”78

The dark man cried out when he pulled away, slapping the dark man's behind hard enough to send him stumbling forward, fighting to keep from slamming into the ground.79

“Your herd is mine,” Jesus said, still firm in his beliefs, petting his mustang gently as he watched the monkey-man go to the dark man. “Take him,” he ordered the dark man.80

The monkey-man made a quiet noise, looking up at him with wide, trusting eyes. The dark man positioned himself behind the monkey-man, pressing slowly into him as Jesus took a step closer to monkey-man. “Clean up my mustang, son,” he murmured, petting the monkey-man's hair. “He had a good run in the muddy swamps today.”81

The dark man moaned as he started to thrust harder into the monkey-man, watching him take the mustang in his mouth, head bobbing with the motion of the thrusts.82

“Harder, Osammy,” Jesus panted, head rolling back as the monkey-man licked and sucked, slamming the head of his mustang against the back of his throat.83

The dark man grunted as he pumped his hips furiously into the monkey-man's, drawing soft moans from the monkey-man and cries from Jesus.84

“Yes, Georgey, you've got it, oh Georgey,” he moaned, shuddering as he emptied himself into the back of the monkey-man's throat. “Oh God who art in heaven,” he murmured, falling to his knees.85

The dark man spasmed behind the monkey-man, crying out nonsense as he fell over the other man. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered. “You are the Real Cowboy.”86