The wind sighed through the tree's of Shervian Forest as the two men talked within the clearing. One man was on his knees, his unruly brown hair hanging in his face, his dark green eyes looking down. The other man stood above him, sword in hand and his teeth bared in an almost maniacal grin.1
"Any last words, Torin, before I kill you and show the world that I am the one and only man fit to rule them?"2
At the end of the sentence, Torin lifted his head to the man in front of him and smiled, for he knew one thing that this man did not.3
"Why do you seem so sure of yourself Calman? Do you truly believe that I have not prepared for this day? Do you truly believe that the fight is over between you and I? Yes, you may take control of this country, but it will cause great uprising. People will not like you but will only listen in fear of you. A country full of scared people breeds mutiny, and the worst type of enemy is one that is scared and see's itself as hopeless. Mighty though your army may be, and powerful as your magic is, you will not last. Things are spiraling out of your control as we speak. Your campaign of horror will only last you for a brief time. Do what you must do and kill me, for I do not run from death. I embrace it! What is life but just a simple ride to the inevitable? Death is the next great adventure, and I am ready."4
And with that final word, Calman Dalmanes killed the last great king, King Torin Jemini, with a thrust of the sword through his heart. Torin looked up into the sky and screamed, and his cry of anguish echoed through the lands. People everywhere bowed down in acknowledgement and in despair as they knew that the evil Calman Dalmanes was their new King. A ruler like him would only tear this world apart. It looked as though all hope was gone.
Comments
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Could use some editing
In the very first sentence : 'talked' isn't really the best word, is it? I mean it sounds all amiable and friendly and then suddenly the guy's trying to kill Torin! How about 'faced each other'
Last line in the fourth paragraph: 'Death is the next great adventure' is a little cliched. Could you give him a different view? It'll make his character a little more unique instead of the typical 'good king'.
The concept of the story also seems pretty cliched. Unless it's a reading from some 'ancient book', the language is awkward and the dialogue is unrealistic. However, if you wanted to make it seem like an excerpt from a collection of fables or legends, then it would sound about right, with it's heroics and sermons. -
"Dark Reign" almost sounds like the title of a medieval RPG video game than a title for a multi-chaptered fic. The small amount of story revealed came across as a run of the mill, evil guy smites righteous ruler of kingdom. Possibly some more thought to your plot and the addition of a sub-plot/mystery would help distinguish it from the tired 'swords and sorcery' genre.
Additionally, be careful with 'tree's and see's' both do not need the apostrophes.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 1.
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tbh
it was more interesting with the ww2 angle, even tho it didnt actually exsist.
im just going to go ahead and ask the q everyone else will be too polite to,
"what makes this story different from standard sword and sorcery yarn?" -
oh shoot!
hahaha my bad i just realized that that little question about WWII was there...my bad guys...but was this prologue good? -
ww2?
is that some trick to see if people are really paying attention?
because if it wasnt for the note at the end, no one would ever know, it just looks like the standard medieval d+d setting.
shooting him in the head with a luger, an declaring himself fuhrer would say ww2.
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Sects within the Nazi army believed in ties with magic/fantasy and myth, as is already written this will be interesting to see what happens further in the story.
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You did a good job on this, and while it did lean more towards fantasy..it was still pretty related to WWII- ha ha, Great Job!
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Yeah, when I read this, I also was under the impression that this was set in a fantasy kingdom. It'll be interesting to see how the world war two theme develops though. Very well written, and with an interesting storyline too.
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More like medieval fantasy than WW2 to me. After all, there have always been countries ruled through fear. Or if this is a prologue, maybe this will later on link to something taking place during the war?
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Hmm
I would think the medieval period rather than World War Two. It seems like these kings might come from fantasy kingdoms. It does seem pretty well written, but it is kind of like beginning at the ending. Since it seems rather like an ending, I wonder where you will go will it.
Andy
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Good job!
It kinda reminded me of the Narnian book: the last one,can't recall name, 'cos it also has a "last king killed, evil ruler turns up" deal going on. Yeah, I'm pretty intrigued by this stuff. But WW2? Magic? Horror? That part couldn't quite get.The mutiny thing is very foreshadowing, though, awesome work, it'll make ppl want to know how bad it gets for the evil ruler.beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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