Kathleen (Chapter one)

Crash! Boom! Ahhhhhhhh!
“Run!” yelled Kathleen.
Kathleen ran from her little brother.
“Mom!, ” Kathleen yelled. Kathleen went downstairs and into the kitchen. On the table, there was a note that said:
“Dear Peter and Kathleen ,
I went out to the store and will be back around twelve-ish. Try not to kill each other when I’m gone.1

See you soon,
Mom2

Kathleen looked at the clock.
“ 10:00,” she said to herself. “Great.”
Her brother Peter was playing with his science kit. He had made something explode when Kathleen was coming out of the bathroom. That’s what made her scream. He was always fond of exploding things.
“ Better clean up. Mom’s coming home soon.,” Kathleen called to Peter.
“What!” asked Peter in a surprise while racing down the stairs.
“Where’s Dad?” asked Peter.
“Dad’s stuck at work and will not be home until tomorrow, ” Kathleen explained to her seven year brother. “Now go clean up! Mom will be home at 12:00. Go!” Peter stomped up stairs and was talking to himself.
Their was a nock at the door. Kathleen opened the it.
“Hello Miss,” said a young boy about her age. “Is your Dad home?”
“Um… No. He’s not going to be home until tomorrow,” Kathleen answered. “Do come in though. It’s cold outside.” “Thank you Miss,” exclaimed the boy.
“My mother should be home soon,” Kathleen said as she boiled some water. “ Would you like some hot cocoa?,” Kathleen asked.
“Thank you Miss,” said the young boy.
“What has brought you down to our house,” asked Kathleen while turning off the boiling water.
“Well, I have to…. um… show your dad something,” said the boy while taking a sip of his hot cocoa.
“Like what?” asked Kathleen looking the boy in the face. “Um…. business stuff, ” he answered after a while. “By the way,” he said, “ My name is Matthew.”
“Oh” said Kathleen almost forgetting to introduce herself. “My name is Kathleen.”
“It was very nice to meet you” said Matthew. “ I have to go,” said Matthew.
“Nice to meet you. Bye, ” said Kathleen. She finally shut the door. 3


She just remembered. Peter! She ran up the stairs two at a time.
“Peter!” Kathleen screamed again and again. She heard water running.
“Oh no!” Kathleen ran to the bathroom. “Peter. Peter!” she was screaming.
“Peter, open up. Peter.” Their was water coming from the bottom of the door.
“Peter!” Kathleen tried to open the door but then fell on the floor.
She was so close to falling down the stairs.
“Peter!!” Kathleen called out.
This time Peter answered. “Yeah,” he called out.
Peter was down stairs, eating.
“Peter, you’re so dead,” Kathleen yelled out to him. “Mom’s coming home in fifteen minutes! Go get towels! Now!!!!!! Peter, before the house is flooded!”
Peter ran to the broom closet. He grabbed a bunch of towels and tried to run up the stairs, but on the way up, he slipped and fell. He luckily caught himself on the way down.
“Peter, hurry!! Mom’s coming home,” Kathleen reached out to grab her brothers hand. They both heard a car door slam shut.
“Peter, hurry! Mom IS home.” Kathleen said as she grabbed her brother’s hand and pulled him up.
“Kids,” said their mom. “Help me with the groceries.”
“Peter, go keep mom busy,” Kathleen whispered to her little brother.
Peter ran down to help his mom.
“Coming,” Peter answered his mom.
“Where’s Kathleen?” asked his mom.
“Um…….,” Peter said as he struggled to think of an excuse.
“In… Bed!” Peter finally said. “You know how lazy she is. Teens!”
Meanwhile… inside the house….
Kathleen was slipping all over. She grabbed towels and started to clean as fast as she could, slipping and falling as she did so. She finally finished when her mom came in. She ran to her room but on the way there, she slipped on some water that she missed. BOOM! Crash! She fell on her left wrist. Crack! Her mom and her brother came running up the stairs to help her.
“Kathleen honey, are you ok?” her mom was screaming.
Peter was laughing so hard.
“ Peter, this is not the time to laugh,” his mom said sternly.
Kathleen was still on the floor trying to get up.
“ Here, let me help you up,” her mom said. “Let’s go the doctor and get that wrist looked at.”
“ Do I have to go,” whined Peter.
“ Yes!” said Kathleen.
“Your not the boss of me,” Peter said and stuck out his tongue.
“Yes,” said his mom. “ Man,” Peter said. “Kathleen, Peter, get in the car.” their mom said. “ I have to make a phone call. Kathleen grab a pillow and put that wrist of yours up.” Kathleen grabbed a pillow from her room as Peter ran down stairs and put on his coat. Kathleen looked out the window and to her amazement, she saw Matthew.
“What is he doing out there,” Kathleen asked herself.
Kathleen grabbed the pillow and ran down the stairs. When she got to the last step, she could hear her mother on the phone.
“No,” she said firmly. “You said that you’ll be home tomorrow.”
Then there was a pause.
After a while she said, “We miss you and we need you home. I don’t care if work needs you to stay. We need you more. Ok, ok, ok bye I love you. And so do the kids.”
Kathleen hurried into the bathroom so her mom would not know that she was listening in on her.
“Kathleen,” she heard her mom say. “Hurry up.” Kathleen stepped out of the bathroom.
“Ready,” she called. “Here, let me get some ice for that,” her mother said as she hurried to the fridge.
Peter ran to the car.
“I call shot gun.” Kathleen heard him yell outside.
Her mom came back and she was carrying a ice pack.
“Here,” she said. “ Let me help you to the car.”
Kathleen and her mom went out the door. Kathleen saw Matthew in the street. Kathleen smiled a little. She saw Matthew look at her and was smiling back at her. All of the sudden, Kathleen saw a car pulling out of the drive way. It was coming down the street. She looked back at Matthew and saw that he was still smiling at her. She thought it was a joke. So, she waited a little longer. The car was a house away and Matthew was still standing there, smiling at her. Matthew wasn’t moving.
“He’s playing around with me,” Kathleen thought to herself. “He’s going to move,” Kathleen kept saying in her mind.
The car was about a yard away. Matthew was still smiling at her. Here it comes. Kathleen throw her pillow down on the floor. She ran and pushed Matthew out of the way. Kathleen ended up laying on top of Matthew face to face. All Matthew did was stare into Kathleen’s eyes. Kathleen’s mom came running to Kathleen’s help.
“Kathleen,” she said. “Never run in front of a car!” Kathleen smiled as she started to get up.
“Need help,” Kathleen asked Matthew.
“No thanks, you already saved my life, what more is there to ask for.” Matthew said blushing.
“Is your wrist ok Kathleen,” her mom asked quickly.
“Oh um… it still hurts a little.” Kathleen answered her mom.
“Lets go to the doctor,” her mom said pushing her away from Matthew.
“Bye,” she said.
Matthew was still blushing but smiling at the same time. Kathleen had some what of a sad look on her face as her mother pushed her way. She was going to go in the front seat but Peter was seated there. Kathleen opened the door to the front seat. She was prepared to argue with him. Surprisingly, her mom was already yelling at him.
“Peter,” she yelled. “Get out of the front. You’re not old enough to sit there.”
Peter already had his seatbelt on.
“Why do you always take her side?” Peter whinnied. “I never get the front. It’s not fair!”
“Just get out,” Kathleen said calmly.
“Anh,” Peter humped.
Kathleen jumped in the front. Her mom backed out of the drive way. She went up the street and on the highway. When they finally arrived, it was three o’clock.
“Hello,” said the secretary. “How may I help you.”
“Hi ,”said Kathleen’s mom. “Kathleen Flesher.”
“Ok, hold on a second.” said the secretary as she went to a big drawer full of files. “Ah, here it is.” “What seems to be the problem?”
“Well, you see,” said Kathleen as she stared to explain. “I was um.. running in my house and there was some um.. water on the floor and I um… slipped and hurt my um.. wrist and I um.. and we um.. heard um.. a crack.”
“Oh, ok,” said the secretary writing it all down. “Please sit down and I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
Kathleen sat down next to her mom. The waiting room was empty except the three Fleshers. Kathleen looked around. There was a picture of a farm house on the wall. There was also a picture of some mountains, a ocean, and a pond.
“Kathleen Flesher.” called the secretary.
Kathleen and her mom got up.
“I’ll stay here,” said Peter.
His mom gave him a evil stare.
“Actually, I think I’ll come,” Peter said quickly.
“Good choice,” said his mom.
Kathleen, her mom, and her brother went in the doctor’s room.
“Hello,” said the doctor. “My name is Dr. Floyd, and who may you be?”
“My name is Kathleen.” Kathleen said.
“Is it your wrist that hurts?” asked Dr. Floyd.
“Um.. yes,” said Kathleen.
“Please tell me how you hurt your wrist,” said Dr. Floyd as he set up the x-ray machine.
“Kathleen, dear, do you want me to tell him,” her mom asked.
“Sure, thanks,” Kathleen said as she went over to Dr. Floyd.
“Ok, she was running in the house,” Kathleen’s mom said unsure, “and she slipped on some water and she hurt her wrist and we heard a crack.”
“I see.” said Dr. Floyd. “Kathleen, please stay there as I take an x-ray of your arm.”

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • vampirecutie669
    August 9, 2008
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    Lol, this brings back memories, just staring at your computer... lol yeah! >.<


  • Taylor Renee
    June 19, 2008
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    There is a lot of words, and it's not broken up very well. Try to use the Fix Line Spacing when you post a story

    It made me curious to know more about, though, and the plot seems like it definitely has potential!

    Thank you so much for entering my contets, and I wish you the bets of luck!

    oxox
    -♥-
    Tay


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    April 21, 2008

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    There's lots of dialogue in your story which makes it seem more like a play or a script. I'm not sure if that is how you wanted your story to come across. At least you have been able to keep most of the conversation seperate so the reader knows who is speaking. I like your background and the colors you chose to post your story on. Thank you for entering the contest and good luck.


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    April 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'm kind of curious what her dad does that he stays at work sometimes. A lot of people work late, but I don't think I know anyone who has sleep-overs at the office... This whole thing was very high-powered and fast-paced! Nice. I hope you write more at some point - good luck in the contest (or all of them ).


  • Rini
    April 6, 2008
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    I'm not really sure how this is paranormal. It definitely seemed very real though.


  • RegalTheft
    March 30, 2008

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    You certainly have a reality-based mind for stories, and that's what makes this story interesting; because it can happen to anyone. The chapter ends quite suddenly though. I would have liked a cliff-hanger or a bit of suspense that propelled you into the next chapter, like 'Kathleen approached the room where a masked doctor held a devilish tool', or something along those lines. Anyway, good read, hope to see more from you.

    --RT

  • whichcraft Greeters member
    March 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I just want to point out a few little things to help you along. You don't have to follow them, I just want to give you a little advise.

    You don't need so many exclamation marks to show that the person is yelling. One is enough.

    In paragraph 2, there is a spelling mistake - On the table, there was a note...

    In paragraph 7, there is a spelling mistake - He was always fond of exploding things. Also, when two people are speaking, you usually seperate the dialogue by a seperate line. After the sister speaks, the brother's response would be on the next line.

    Pargraph 8 should be - There was a knock at the door. Kathleen opened it.

    Paragraph 9 should have the dialogue seperated by the different people who are speaking.

    I know you're trying hard at writing this story and it shows. It just needs a little work on fixing the paragraphs and the spelling. Good work as I was interested in reading it.



  • Seachelle
    March 12, 2008

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    Being that you are only 12 years of age, this is rather good. There are a few things I think you should learn when sitting down to write a story.

    #1: Always indent after every quotation. It makes the story easier to read and a lot more smooth in comprehension to the reader. I noticed I had a hard time seeing who was speaking at the moment in this post.

    #2: Start the beginning off in an exciting way, I felt you over-used the exclamation point and the plot wasn't extraordinary.

    #3: Always use description of the character, its surroundings, and how he or she feels psychologically. This will help the reader become more attached to your characters. Have you ever read a book where you just fell in love with the character? Or maybe you even disliked him/her? This is all due to description. I didn't see much of this when reading your work. I felt like your character didn't have "meat" on it, just barely skin and bones. I mean that figurativly of course...

    The reason writing something well is so hard is because we already have the plot set in our heads of what everything looks like. It takes some effort to put all of what we're trying to get across to the reader on paper. I would advise that you, or anybody for that matter, use a thesaurus as a tool. It is extremely helpful.

    Please do know that I am not trying to be over-critical or mean... We are all here on this site to help each other become better authors and grow in vocabulary and grammer. As a reader and contest holder, I am explaining to you what I and most people want in a writer. If you wish to revise or re-write anything, please contact me and you may withdraw your entry from the contest, edit, and re-enter. I hope you take advantage of this opportunity and keep writing! It all takes practice.


  • Crying Angel Eyes
    March 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is really sweet i loved it

1 - 9 of 9