I DIED FOR YOU1
Before they took my life from me, I thought one thing: "I wish he knew that I am about to die for him."2
But he was just living life as if nothing was happening. Then I saw them bring him in. I saw them sit him down and heard as they asked him if there was anyone that he had feelings for. He shook his head and they all looked at the monitor as I screamed. I was writhing against the chains that bound me to the chair and I know he could hear my scream because he turned calmly to the person standing beside him and asked what that noise was.3
"Her." They said in an almost digital voice.4
"Her?" he asked.5
They took him into a metal room after I was dead.6
"We killed her instead of you. She came to us and pleaded with us to spare your life in exchange for hers. We never go back on a promise, so if you don't be a bad boy again, we will leave you alone. We have gotten all that we need at the moment." 7
They pause for a moment. "She wanted you to have this."8
They hand him a piece of paper. Just a slip really. There were bold computer-printed words on the paper:9
"I DIED FOR YOU. DON'T LET ME DOWN. I LOVED YOU. YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHO I AM."10
He was so confused because he didn't know who I was and couldn't remember me.11
We had gone to high school together long ago and since then had lost contact...or he had lost contact with me. I, on the other hand, had made sure I always knew where he was and what he was doing. He was my whole life.12
His face started to clear as he went through the people he knew, trying to figure out who would write such a thing or make such a sacrifice for him.13
Suddenly his face took on a blank look and he asked, "It wasn't Carrie was it? Please don't say it was Carrie!"14
"It wasn't Carrie." Said the anonymous person on the other side of the table. "Think farther back. She said you probably wouldn't remember her even though she wrote that."15
"Yeah, I have absolutely no idea who you're talking about. I'm sorry. Wait no one knew what I was doing except..."16
"Oh god. Was it her?" And he said my name and the person nodded.17
He stared back across the table, bleakly taking in all I had done for him as the person told him what had happened.18
"She was willing to die for you and you didn't even give her the decency of a memory." There was a little bit of emotion - disgust - in the person's voice as they warmed to their story. “She couldn’t believe you didn’t remember her. She wanted so badly for you to remember her so I promised her I would let you know who she was. But you guessed her. She said she wanted you to cry no ”
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I really like the writing, but not so much the plot
I want to start out by saying that this is constructive criticism, and while it may seem a bit harsh, I'm doing it to help you improve as a writer.
"We had gone to high school together long ago and since then had lost contact...or he had lost contact with me. I, on the other hand, had made sure I always knew where he was and what he was doing. He was my whole life."
Do you see the disconnect? This whole story is about how the character selflessly sacrifice herself for the man she loves. The man she loves who she kind of knew in high school, then never spoke with again. If you exert yourself this much for someone who won't appreciate it, why do it? It doesn't have believable motivation. I don't feel that any of this is compelling or relevant in any way. I can't sympathize with a character who willingly saves someone who she barely knows, then hates him for an arbitrary reason. The sacrifice is in the first paragraph, with the rest of the story focusing on how much of a dick the guy was. Do you want the reader to hate him for not knowing her name? If he doesn't know her name why die for him? The character places herself voluntarily on the chopping block for no reason, and it isn't clear why. I can't believe any of this, from the unnamed act she saves him from, the reason she does it, who the organization is, the environment, the attitude, it all just doesn't click. You write very well, but the story's plot just doesn't feel believable. I know that if you had a more grounded and interesting plot to work with, you could write fantastic stories. If you want more critiques on your stories, feel free to ask. If you don't, just tell me so. Once again, I want these critiques to help you as a writer, and I don't mean to offend you in any way with them. Keep up the good work. -
I have an analysis of your story that is pretty harsh, but I think it could help you. Tell me if you want it or not, because it is pretty intense. I'm serious when I say this, since it's constructive criticism, and it's my personal thought on the story. It isn't to be mean, it's to help you improve. Understand that the last thing I want is to hurt you, and that I want to assist you in your development as a writer. So just ask if you want to hear, tell me if you don't
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