Prologue: Tales of An Unwilling Vampiress

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Prologue1

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Revised 22/05/08 3

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When I eventually came round, the world was covered in a foggy haze.
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“Emmy?” I heard a voice calling my name, a note of panic evident.
6

I blinked rapidly and a face swam into focus.7

Reality came back like the edge of a knife: sharp, brutal. The haze faded; I could now clearly see the twinkling stars above, the moon ducking behind windswept clouds, the graffiti-ridden walls around me.
8

I was on my feet in the next instant, staggering backward on stiff legs. He came toward me, hand outstretched, panic written all over his face, luminous eyes widened in alarm.9

“Emmy, please, listen to me.” His voice mirrored the desperation on his face, which had been thrown into shadow by a lone streetlamp across the street. I backed away further, flinching slightly at the rusty soda can I crunched underfoot.10

Once stung, twice shy. That was me. I’d been taken in once. Never again.11

“I can explain–“12

"Spare me the lame excuses, please," I snapped. I lifted up my hands and examined them. They still looked the same; same pale fingers, same “M” on my left palm. But then, what did I really expect? Being inconspicuous was key to this life. I hastily glanced down at the rest of me. Still nothing.13

“Emmy–“ I held up my hand, sparing him a cold glare, and he fell silent, watching with what seemed stifled frustration as I reached up and ran my hands over my neck in a hasty search, until I found what I’d been looking for.14

Two small bumps. Two small bumps that any girl would have taken as a hickey. Any girl but me.15

My suspicions confirmed, I finally looked up and met his gaze. He seemed to have frozen, his frantic eyes hooded in the half-shadows on his face. My insides gave a heart-thumping lurch.
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“How could you?” My voice cracked. “I trusted you…” Tears welled up in my eyes. He took a small step forward, eyes pleading.17

Get away from me!” My voice echoed down the deserted alley. A pigeon that had just alighted on a nearby wall blindly took off in startled flight, its wings a flash of white against the dark sky.18

He stopped again, and a pained look passed over his face. I wasn’t falling for it. I’d seen it before too many times. Forever regretting, never amending. That was his new forte.
19

“Emmy,” he tried again, shaking his head slightly, “you don’t understand–“20

“Don’t understand what?” I snarled back. “I should have known better than to trust you. He was right, all along. And I didn’t listen to him. And now–now–" I gulped and took a deep breath as a shudder passed through me at the thought of what lay in store ahead. Stepping over a ripped trash bag, he advanced closer. Now he was only a couple of feet away. I took a step back reflexively and felt my back hit the alley wall behind me.21

Great. A dead end. I couldn’t back away any further; I needed another means of escape. I didn't want to be here, with him, any longer. Already my mind had begun to absorb the harsh realization of what had just occurred; it screamed its panic inside me.22

But I knew there no way out. At least, not one that didn’t involve garlic. And quite possibly, a sharp stake.23

“I’m not going down like this!” I clenched my shaking hands into fists. His eyes widened at my suddenly-violent rebuttal.24

“You hear me? I’m going to find a way. I’m not walking around for eternity with you.” I lifted my chin defiantly. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, I told myself, albeit desperately. I couldn’t help the feeling of despair that washed over me again. I knew well enough how this ended in my heart; I was just being stubbornly delusional.25

His anxious look slipped away, and his face fell, the dark contours sharpening, eerie in the darkness. “You honestly think I gave up just like that, Emmy?”26

I swallowed again, feeling bile rise up in my throat. I flattened myself against the dank wall behind me. But he didn't have to come any closer; his words alone were enough to root me to the spot in horrified fascination. And in truth, running away from him was not going to affect my situation in the slightest.27

“You think I enjoy this?” he intoned softly. I caught my breath, mentally willing him to stop, because I would keep listening 'till he did. 28

The dark shadows in the alleyway shifted, casting his face into full darkness. Receiving no answer, he continued. “I tried everything, Em, everything. Even that crazy mythological stuff.” His eyes bored into mine. It seemed like a curtain had been drawn behind them. A very thin curtain that didn’t hide the pain I could see if I bothered to look hard enough.29

But at that moment, I couldn't have cared less.30

I shook my head defiantly, doing my best to ignore him, heart hammering like a funeral drum in my chest. I didn’t want to hear what I knew he was going to tell me. I wanted to hold onto that last shred of hope buried deep inside me ever since I’d felt those two bumps on my neck.31

The two bumps that, had I been lucky, would have been a hickey. But they weren’t. They were the dark herald of my new life. A life I despised mere seconds after entering.32

The life of a vampire…33

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<-- Back To Preface    Next Chapter... 35

Author notes

This idea came by when I was doing math exam review...so I can't say I hate math. XD

Please tell me what you think. I'd love any critique, as I want to be able to go back and revise whatever I feel necessary. 

Character pics now available on my profile page. Better ones this time.

For Contestsor COntest I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did... by happy go lucky13

HEY!!!!

HT/Tiger-Lily

In a list

A contest entry

Care to read the rest?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 19. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 30 of 165     1 2 3 4  next >  (show all)

  • SchizoMatt
    November 14
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    Edit | Reply
    Great work. Although short, you make a great deal happen emotionally and physically in a small amount of space (a great talent). On top of that, you actually made the reader feel for the main character. Very nice, very real.


  • BlueWave gold member
    November 9
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    Edit | Reply

    Great!

    Amazing story, it was very interesting. Nice imagery and introduction of the characters, I enjoyed it. I'm going to read each chapter.=)


  • silkcatseye
    October 21

    Edit | Reply

    Brillient

    I loved this story it is brillient. I love the way you introduced your characters I was right there with them listening on the conversation. They were very realistic and emotionable I don't think you need to change anything but it would be great if you made it into a novel.
    Great story. I love vampires so it was great reading your story I enjoyed it very much
    Donna

    . Rewarded 6


  • Edge-Yuri
    October 20

    Edit | Reply
    lol waddaya know i like it so much i came back a read it again!
    wow! you have soo many comments more than i'll ever get even if i'm here for 50 years! lol anyway i love it

    . Rewarded 4


  • Valkyrie silver member
    September 20

    Edit | Reply
    Ack, such mysterious, gripping action! MUST. LEARN. WHO. GUY. IS!
    Again, you wrote spectacularly. I love the fluidity of your action, and attention to all the wonderful details that flesh out a great story. The crumpling of the soda can was a great touch!
    Coupla notes as I read:
    P14 he speaks but she does the rest of the paragraph; it'd be better to have the one word quotation as its own paragraph
    P31, of course this is just the beginning of your story, and I don't know what happened, exactly, during the biting, but it's my understanding that vampires don't have beating hearts, with the whole unDEAD thing


    • Tiger-Lily gold member
      September 20
      Edit | Reply
      Nah, Undead is just ONE myth. I hate most myths. My vamps won't follow them. *r

      Thanks for reading. ^^ofl*

  • lightsafi
    September 14
    Edit | Reply
    I COMPELTY LOVE IT, IT SO VAMPIRELICIOUS, NOW I'M GOING TO READ CHAP 1


  • Sgs gold member
    September 6

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    OMGoddess, your writing is wonderful. I am actually in awe. You are one that I fully expect to see published one day. Your attention to details and the the way you vividly paint a picture with words is just amazing.

  • very suberb!

  • SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • pink polka
    August 14
    Edit | Reply
    I like it so far!

  • Caterell
    August 12
    Edit | Reply

    Good

    This is good. I liked it and couldn't see anything to fix.

  • A good Prologue..

    it gets things started nicely, setting the scene up for your book, and the style is pretty good. Lets see how the rest turns out.

  • it was pretty good. i admit, i was sceptical because the whole 'popular kids' thing seemed a bit cliche, but it's really good.


  • Mr Pooptastic
    August 4

    Edit | Reply

    Great

    Honestly this was really good. I didn't see any problems with it, it flowed well and everything. Its funny cause very little in this is actually specific to a vampire, at least in the characters interactions with one another, but the desperation of a cursed fate definately is interesting.

  • Sorry but for some reason i never commented on this I don't think..... hehe well you already know my comment! LOVED IT LOVED IT LOVED IT LOVED IT!!! Now repeat that about a zillion times and you'll know how much i love this story!!! XD YOu definetly earned 3 clappys.. wish i could give more!!


  • moonwriter
    July 30

    Edit | Reply
    I've read this before and it's just as amazing as I remember it. I love how different and interesting it is. Most vampire stories feature an ecstatic heroine who's enthralled to have been turned. I lvoe that your character is different. She didn't want to be a vampire. Great job! I still need to get around to reading the rest of this series.


  • StreetRoller
    July 25
    Edit | Reply
    This story owns. Just love it!

  • This Rocked! I liked it all. Wow I would never guess that she would be forced to become a vampire, but of course your title says it all! ^^ I liked it, I really do!

  • I heard a voice calling my name, a note of panic evident
    sounds awkward. I suggest rewording 'the tone of panic was evident.' for example or something along those lines.

    “Emmy, please, listen to me.” His voice mirrored
    since you're referring to speech you need a comma after me.

    with what seemed stifled frustration as I reached up and ran my hands over my neck in a hasty search
    doesn't need to be in bold

    Tears welled up in my eyes
    watch using unnecessary words, 'up' in this case.

    Great. A dead end
    this is a thought. as such, it should either be in italics or in single quotes to set it off from the rest of it .

    "and" or "but" shouldn't start sentences unless they're in dialogue. Otherwise it gives the story more of a 'dialogue' feel and it takes away from the impact.

    this has a lot of promise. well worth the read too even if it is a vampire story. I like the dialogue it flows well. I think you could have used a bit more description but otherwise it was very well done. Keep up the great work.

  • Well this is just fantastic! I was hooked right from the beginning. It's written so well, the descriptions, dialogues, etc... Anyway, well done, I absolutely love this ^_^

  • Makes me want to buy the book!

    You have great dialog and a smooth flow going for you here. I like how you drop us in the middle of something big and leave it open for a new beginning. I can see flashbacks of their previous relationship coming in another installment!!! Is this part of a novel you are writing? It seems like it could be. I didn't find any glaring grammar erros which is a MAJOR plus! I like your descriptions of the surroundings... pigeon, pop can, grafitti... Now, I wonder how they got there? Guess I'll just have to wait to find out. Nice hook.
    I do have one critique, though. In this short segment you mention the two bumps/hickey thing twice. In my opinion, you should only use that relationship once. I found it more effective at the end.

  • you know i love TUV, i think you're an excellent writer and this story basically rocks, but you've won a lot of trophies for it so i don't think i'll be giving you 1st 2nd or 3rd. sorry it's nothing personal (i guess i should've put this in my description/rules really) i just think someone else deserves a trophy.

  • toolenduso
    July 10

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm...I like this. For whatever reason, it kept reminding me of Harry Potter. Maybe it was the style you wrote it in...

    Anyway, you did a good job with this. You presented the scene very well, not too much or too little attention to detail, the only thing I could really complain about was that it felt like the dialogue was even too cryptic for a prologue. Some clarity could have perhaps done a better job of drawing in the reader.

    But a well-written piece nonetheless! Thanks for entering!

    Style: 8/10
    Flow: 10/10
    Uniqueness: 2/5
    Readability: 5/7
    Effect: 6/10
    Lack of Errors: 3/3
    Personal Score: 3/5
    Total: 37/50

  • This was awesome!
    The only thing I don't like or have a little niggle about is the title; it's a teensy bit dull, but that's just my opinion
    Everything else was magnificent! All the details, descriptions, they couldn't have been better. It was well written and really makes the reader want more.
    Awesome Write!


  • Violet15
    July 7
    Edit | Reply
    Wondefully written!!!

  • W O W

    You are so good! Now I feel really amateur... :') so... you're a vampire now... *backs away in terror*

  • The interaction you've crafted between this two characters is so dynamic and realistic - the subtle additions of body language really made it great. I really like the line "Reality came back like the edge of a knife" and actually wonder how things would look if you used that as your hook. And I believe the phrase is "Once bitten, twice shy." Which is actually a bit more appropriate, even. Anyways, good job and a great start! Good luck!


    • Tiger-Lily gold member
      July 9
      Edit | Reply
      Oh actually, I changed the phrase on purpose since people got mixed up, thinking she'd already been bitten by a vampire.

      Thank you for the praise.


  • esimbf
    July 1

    Edit | Reply
    I love this I am definatly going to read more of the story!!!! It hooked me it is amazing =D. I am so glad I read this I love vampire stories.

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