Muaaz walked into the bar. He looked around, there she was, the girl of his dreams. He shook his head in a weird way, like he always did when he was nervous. He wasn’t good at this but he had practiced. He had even spent hundred bucks on an online prediction to choose the best day. He had searched over two hundred poetry books of about thirty different languages. He had chosen the best and translated it into English.1
It was a Punjabi Sufi poet ‘Baba Bulla Shah’2
‘Raze temples, raze mosques but never break someone’s heart because God lives in hearts.’ 3
It might have lost someone its power during the translation but he really loved it.4
He made his way towards the pool table. There she was playing snooker. God! How beautiful she looked. Her blond hair which were about waist length, her blue eyes and her snow white skin. A fairy in disguise, he felt nervous again. 5
Either she would say ‘yes’ or, I would kill myself Ali thought. Because without her; his life was meaningless.6
‘Hi Stacey,’ he said with all the dare he could muster.7
She took a second to take in his bizarre appearance. Heavily oiled black hair and long black beard that was also heavily oiled, horn rimmed glasses and the red suit with the yellow tie.8
‘Yes,’ she said,she felt a bit scared.9
He repeated the verse,10
‘Raze temples, raze mosques but never break someone’s heart because God lives in hearts.’ 11
‘So?’ she said with uncertainty. Guys like him was supposed to be conservative, fundamentalists and all. He couldn’t be hitting on her, could he?12
‘This is pretty hard for me but, I must say this Stacey. I fell in love with you from the moment I saw you. I love you so much that I can not explain it to you. Please don’t say no, because if you do, I will kill my self.’ He finished dramatically. He on his knees now.13
‘Freak,’ she said and stared to walk away.14
‘Don’t go,’ he said putting a hand on her shoulder.15
Then a big guy came and whack! BOOM! KA BOOM!16
No, no, Muaaz didn’t blow up himself that were sounds of Muaaz taking a good beating.17
He went outside, his American friend Herman was waiting for him there.18
‘What happened?’ he asked seeing his torn clothes and bleeding lip.19
‘Her boyfriend kicked my ass that’s what happened!’20
‘Oh! I am so sorry, now get in the car,” said Herman.21
‘No! I can’t get in the car! My life is over, Stacey didn’t except me it’s over, all over! I want to die! Die Herman! Kill me, Herman, kill me! If this street could show my feelings it wouldn’t be bright and happy! It would be dark and screaming! Screaming Herman! In agony! In Pain!’ He kept on screaming. 22
‘Right, why don’t you consider suicide?’ He suggested.23
‘No Herman, that’s forbidden,’ He said.24
‘Right, then get in the car Muaaz,’ said Herman25
‘Okay, but I am dead, my body may speak, may talk, may eat but my soul has just died! It has just died Herman!’26
Herman drove him to a donut shop, where Ali started to eat donut after donut.27
‘You should really consider slowing down a bit, I haven’t got that much money,’ said Herman.28
‘Damn it Herman! My soul has just died and all you can think about is money,’ said Muaaz.29
“Okay, okay, chill, eat all you want,’ said Herman.30
Then suddenly Muaaz stopped, a donut fell from his hand and landed on the floor *dramatically*, he put his hand in his jacket.31
No, no he didn’t blow up, it was normal jacket, instead he took out a book. It was the same one he had written all the lines on.32
‘What are you doing?’ asked Herman.33
‘Revising,’ said Muaaz.34
‘What for?’ said Herman35
'Look,' he said pointing dramatically, ‘Black hairs, green eyes, so beautiful, oh! So beautiful, she the real one, my life! The love of my life, I can’t live without her!’36
‘Right, I’ll wait outside.’ said Herman leaving the shop.37
After 20 minutes, Muaaz came out of the shop. ‘It’s a tragedy, kill me Herman! Kill me!’38
‘Right, Muaaz your wife called, she's getting worried,’ Herman said39
‘Ah! Another tragedy, can you drop me home?’40
‘Sure Muaaz,’41
'Afterwards, may be you can kill me!’ said Muaaz.42
‘We’ll think about that later, okay," said Herman looking really tired.43
‘Okay. Look at that Herman! Dyed Pink hair, hazel brown eyes! She's the one Herman! She's the one!"44
Author notes
Moral of the Story:
Never give up until you succeed. Even if you already have a wife!
A contest entry
- Best Short Stories (Will comment on every entry) by moonwriter.
300 points, ended April 25, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My SW Hubby by Taylor Renee.
225 points, ended June 19, 2008, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I love you!! by Bethany.
535 points, ended February 15, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Not the normal love story! by ArtistoLeVerse.
165 points, ended May 22, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Stories by Cavalier.
350 points, ended May 20, 33 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - MY TOTALLY FREAKIN AWESOME HILARIOUS CONTEST OF DOOM, DEATH, AND AGONY!!!! by Patchwork Comedy.
1000 points, ended October 20, 53 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short-short Story Contest! Any genre welcome! by amanda vampiress.
475 points, ended August 10, 60 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Don't you just love Muaaz?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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This was really funny! It was a cute and interesting story. I'm glad to have read it. Herman sounds like a really good best friend. Ali, I don't know what to say about that character other than he needs to learn to love what he has already.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!
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Hahhhahahahhahaha...OMG...Zsh, this is really altra funny ...hahahahahah....bravo,bro...hahahahahh
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Someone tell this to the judges, it's my best work and it has no trophy!
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Ewww....my baby bro...its ok sweetie , you have ours appericiation , we liked what you wrote ..so keep smiling and keep writing too..
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That was off-beat and quite funny.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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Sorry in the rules it said no cussing...
DQ'd -
This is hilarious, but needs some serious revisions. There were a lot of errors in there.
This could be a really great story, if you were to add more to the overall story and such. -
That was a bit odd... good job though. =]
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Weirdness abounds here - funny, but it sorta has no point.
But - I like it - for the simple reason that it made me laugh.
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Honestly, it's more like a humour story rather than a love story.
Stating that, I have to say that I liked it very much nonetheless. It's really really sweet. Good Job and thanks for entering my contest.
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Thank you for entering my contest...And please, stay tuned! I am currently judging...
[Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot....]
xoxo
-♥-
Tay -
Not a whole lot of detail... I agree with Nixer's comment... It could be edited to become a better story. Good luck.
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This is a very good idea, that, with some editing could make a brilliant story. I found a few mistakes and have pointed them out below and you should add some commas, especially to the first paragraph. Here are some that I picked up:
"Ali walked in the bar" - should be "Ali walked into the bar"
Comma before "but"
Put thoughts in inverted commas
"guys like him was supposed to be conservative" - should be "Guys like him were supposed..."
"torn cloths" - should be "clothes"
Overall, I enjoyed the story, but I know it has the potential to be better so take some time to edit it and see what happens. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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wow. that was a little bit creepy, although it was in a good way. i enjoyed this a lot, and [dont think im mental or anthing]but it made me laugh a little. good luck and thanks for entering
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Oh my absolutely goodness.
This was adorable. YOU are adorable!
This made me laugh really hard. It was hilarious. Really
And the girl had blonde hair and blue eyes. Hah. I loved that.
And you have black hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Dies.*
lol!
But your author's notes really sold me.
You are officially amazing.
And on the finalists list.
Thank you so much for taking the time for me and my contest, & I wish you the best of luck, my fellow amazing loser!
xoxo
-♥
Tay
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That's a really good story. For my contest (backgrounds) can you please tell me how your story relates to your background? Thanks
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alright, I tried to read this story, I really did, but it didn't draw me in. First of all you have some tense issues. ex: "Either she would say ‘yes’ or I’ll kill my self Ali thought, because his life without her was meaningless." should be "either she says yes or I'll kill myself" or "either she would say yes or I would kill myself"
The first line needs punctuation, badly.
sorry it didn't draw me in.
thanks for entering
-gibson -
Um, that was interesting. I was mildly fascinated by the story, but I honestly wasn't drawn in. I can tell your a good writer, but this wasn't that great of a story. Better luck next time. Maybe
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Darkly comical, I'll admit. As a story, I liked it. As an entry to this contest, I don't think it quite fits. Personally, I find that is has too much dark humor - which I did ask writers to avoid for this contest. Thank you for submitting it, however. It is a good story.
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tooo many words for my contest sorry
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This was good, but it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Sorry, keep writing though, I love your style.
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haha I feel bad for him he got rejected and beaten up. Wow didn't know that he was marreid that was quiet the twist. There are some spelling and grammar mistakes but it was readable, good job and good luck!
-Miranda-
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Hitman, that was really funny and cute. You need to clean up some grammar and spelling mistakes, for sure, but I like that you take risks in your stories.
Don't be afraid of romance. If you need help, ask me. -
Poor Ali
He needed to be more like Muhammad Ali [the boxer] and "Float like a butterfly sting like a bee" LOL Sounds like that Herman shouldn't have waited outside. What kind of moral support is that when he waits in his car all the time. Maybe it's a really nice car!
I laughed and that is what writing is all about. Changing the mood of the reader and involving him [or her] in the story.
Ali's friend has a really nice name I noticed.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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