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SR Murders2
By Andy Stephenson and Geri Fitzsimmons3
Chapter Two4
‘Loneliness is a terrible thing.’ Michelle Baine reflected on the things the guy at Crisis Center said. ‘Michelle I’ve been there, so I know it’s not easy. Believe me it will pass…’5
Yah right! Crystal tears like tiny gems glistened beneath soft brown eyes. Childishly she sniffled and ran her hand across her nose; small teeth caught a lower pink lip and nibbled. She finished filling the basket with grounds and replaced it in the coffee maker. Another person with their good advice like time heals all, she consoled herself, they could all go to Hell. She paused a moment before she flicked the switch. What she really needed was sleep—a couple of days of sleep. She flicked the on switch. She had barely put together several good hours of rest since Hal’s final call.6
Michelle pushed a hundred and five pounds away from the counter and with hunched shoulders, shuffled to the small dinette set. A plain white vase with a single red plastic carnation adorned the center of the table. Everything in her apartment was uncomplicated and rather nondescript. 7
Hal couldn’t stand it. ‘Mickey’s spic and span dollhouse,’ he’d snicker and deliberately toss his dirty socks on her clean floor; or light up a cigarette and blow smoke to stink up the place. 8
Slumping at the Formica topped table, she let her face drop into her palms. Why had he lied? Why had he said, ‘I just need some space, get my head clear. Then we can discuss things, put them in perspective.’ She knew he wasn’t coming back. She’d sensed things going downhill after their first month together. It was always like that. First the big come on. The dates, the gifts, then I love you bull while they satisfied their lust. Hal had lasted longer than others. Hal actually moved in, and she saw a future. Pictured a home—their home…a child—their child…9
There was a knock at Michelle's door. It startled her. ‘Hal?’ Her hands flew to her short brown bob and finger combed as she shoved away from the table and rushed to the front door. At five in the morning, who but Hal would be at her door? He did love her. He wanted to make it work.10
Big city living made her atomically pause before she opened the door. She glanced through the peephole to see a young man. It wasn’t Hal. He was smiling and looked friendly enough, yet she left the door chained and cautiously opened it a crack.11
"Can I help you?" she asked.1912
"I'm from the Crisis Line and I'm here to help you."2013
“What!” She nearly choked on her surprise. “Why would you come here?” was uttered in amazement. "Oh. I didn't know that you would come here." 14
“We do what we feel is necessary Michelle.” His friendly smile spread across even white teeth. There was no star quality to the face, but he was clean-shaven and pleasant appearing. His voice held a hint of a Jersey accent. "If we feel it’s appropriate, we follow up on callers," he said. "May I come in?" 15
The Crisis Line? How odd, still the man on the phone had been genuinely concerned. He’d questioned her about family or friends she could turn to. When she admitted there was no one close, he said, “That’s not good. How long have you been in the city?” He must have sent this volunteer.16
The man outside her door wasn’t pushy; he didn’t seem in a hurry only waited patiently for her to decide to turn him away or let him in.17
She only hesitated for the time it took to convince herself, it couldn’t hurt. She closed the door and slid back the night latch. “Suppose you can come in,” she said as she opened the door fully. “I just made coffee, would you like some?”18
“That would be nice Michelle.” He removed and tossed his suede coat on a chair and followed her. “You have a nice apartment, have you lived here long?”19
“It’s rather small, but living space in the city is at a premium—but I suppose you know that.” She took twin mugs from a white metal tree on the counter and filled them with coffee. “Cream? Sugar?” she said as she set them on the table.20
He politely pulled two chairs from the table, assuring her, “Black is fine.” He sat in one. When she sat in the other he said frankly, "So, you are wanting to commit suicide?" 21
Shocked, she stammered, “No, no, not now. I’m feeling much better now.” She lifted her cup and took a sip of the coffee. Holding it in her mouth she stared at the stranger who posed the blunt question.22
There wasn’t the slightest change in his facial expression, as he said, "But you have thoughts of suicide often, don't you?"2623
Swallowing, she squirmed suddenly very uncomfortable and felt heat rise in her cheeks as she admitted, “Sometimes.”24
“This persistent desire comes back again and again…” His tone dropped into whisper, “You want to die Michelle? The thoughts of death, ending your sorry state, will come back won’t they?” His blue eyes bore into hers and his hand reached over and gently grasped one of hers. “Every time you remember that Hal deserted you and you caused him to leave, drove him away like you do everyone.” 25
Hal? Of course they’d filled him in on things she’d told that fellow at the Crisis Center. A worried frown stiffened her face and tightness grew in her chest. Why was he saying such things? Didn’t he realize how much it hurt to face the facts of what a pathetic creature she was? “Please, don’t…”she whimpered. Fresh tears stood in her eyes and she bit deeply into her bottom lip. 26
He squeezed her fingers. The tone of his voice stayed low almost pleading. “Admit it Michelle. What have you got? A piss poor job that barely covers expenses. Every month you’re raiding one credit card to pay another.” The dark hair that shinned with health and grooming, waved slightly when he nodded slowly as if contemplating her wretched state. “If you had a few extra bucks you might be able to do something to improve your looks—but that’s doubtful.” It wasn’t actually a sneer that followed more like a sorrowful groan. “Poor plain Michelle, with so many hang-ups she can’t even give a her fellow a good fuck.”27
“Stop, please stop.” Hot tears were spilling out and running down her cheeks. She tried to pull her hand away, but he held it tight. "What are you trying to do?"28
“Let you see the truth. Ask yourself, what do I have to live for? An honest answer would be—nothing.” His free hand reached for his coffee and he took a deep drink while his eyes continued to bore into hers. Then he set the cup down and smiled. “When I leave, you’ll be alone again. Alone and wanting to end it?”29
“I guess,” she whimpered. 30
“You’ll be alone. No one here. This tiny empty apartment suffocating you, the walls closing in...you’ll cry perhaps scream but no one will hear. You’ll try to end it and it will hurt and you’ll suffer.” He took her other hand in his and held it close to his mouth and breathed on the iciness then pressed it to his lips and whispered, “I don’t want you to go through all that pain. I don’t want you to be alone. I want to be with you. Help you.” He placed her hand on the table and reached up to soothe her hair. “You can effortlessly go to sleep, while I stay right here beside you.”31
"I'm not sure anymore. ” She continued to weep. “I’m not sure about dying.” 32
“It’s your time Michelle.” His tone became sweetly sinister and belied the caring expression still on his face. Retrieving a bottle of clear liquid from his pocket, he emptied it in her coffee. “Drink your coffee Michelle and you’ll go gently to sleep.” A knife came from a holder at his waiste; he laid it on the table. “Today is your day to die Michelle. By your hand or mine. Ether way is fine with me.”33
A small plastic bird popped out of a clock on the wall and a cheap mechanism chimed three times. 34
“What a pitiful creature--even your clock is worthless.”35
Michelle was in no shape to fight on. Her stare fixed on the hunting knife. It terrified her. Life seemed too hard and fighting this man was beyond her. A strange relief settled on her face as she lifted the cup and drank the coffee. If she died no one would care. Maybe now he’d leave. She could call 91136
In a list
A bit of editing would help along with opinions [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This is excellent. It seems to draw you in further and further. Well done to you both for a great write. I'll be back to read more.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks Pamela
Thanks for going back to the beginning and reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it. I think you'll enjoy the story. I think our characters are engaging and the plot good.
Andy
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And all the while I was screaming Nooooo don't do it...it was good write...I'm not to going to correct the spelling issues as i see that many have already done that...so i'm just going to say the two of you make a good writing pair and I can't wait for more..Keep it Up
. Rewarded 6
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This poor girl being driven to her death by the dispicable creep. You certainly did this chapter proud. I felt like i was sitting on a chair next to her, wanting to tell her not to listen. The way he twisted her mind around so she nolonger knew what to think. Brilliant! you did well. Afew minor typos to correct. Sorry.
1..paragraph 15-line 3....'pleasant appearing' sounds very odd.Perhaps you could change that. I read it over and over and still it didn't sit.
2..paragraphs 12,13 and 23 all have a number after them. You should lose them.
3..paragraph 27-line8.....lose the single 'a'. There is no need for it.
4..paragraph 27-line4.....LOse the word 'shinned' and replace with 'shone'.
Apart from these, I have to give you a thumbs up here.
. Rewarded 8
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You keep this up and Andy will surely visit to say thank you.
He also gets a notice when someone comments on the SRM.
And don't ever say sorry for finding our goofs--that's why we post so members can help
Saves us a lot of work 
.
Thanks again, Geri
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Ok, your murderer has officially gotten even creepier. *laughs* Euthanasia is one thing, forced euthanasia is no longer eu (trans. "good").
I'm having trouble determining this killer's motivation, though. In the prologue, he was all about the violence and the sex and the thievery. Here, he's all psychological, like he's playing with her. Of course, both murders are about power, but a completely different kind of power (physical versus psychological). Maybe it's just me...or maybe he's schizophrenic. *laughs* Anyways, another good chapter! 
* Para 6: "Another person with their good advice like time heals all, she consoled herself, they could all go to Hell." *scratches head* I'm not sure about the grammatical structure of this - I think it should be two sentences...?
* Para 7: "Michelle pushed HER hundred and five pounds" - I think this would sound better, but it's kind of an opinion.
* Para 8: *cringes* Rethink the semicolon? *laughs*
* Paras 12-13 and 23: There are numbers at the end of these paras.
* Para 14: I don't think you need "was uttered in amazement."
* Yikes - I'm not a city girl, and I am terrible about remembering to be cautious when in a city (I go for walks after dark sometimes without even thinking about it...oops... ), but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have let him in without at least some kind of crisis line ID. *laughs*
* Para 27: "The dark hair that shinned" - "shined" is the right word, and I think you might consider "His dark hair" to make sure we realize it's his and not hers. Also, "give a her fellow" needs to either lose the "a" or lose the "her."
* Para 29: He just took a "deep drink" of freshly-made steaming-hot coffe. *laughs*
* I would like to see more of Michelle's reaction to the man, more than just crying - what is she thinking? Feeling? What does her body language look like? There is so much you can do with this emotional wreckage here - take advantage!
* Para 33: "waiste" and "Ether" are mispelled.
* Para 36: There's no end punctuation - and it kind of feels a bit like this isn't really the end of the chapter - should there be more?. Rewarded 8
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Some minor grammer/punctuation/spelling errors;
[6] This should be in either italics or single inverted commas "time heals all" as it is a quote.
[7] "Michelle pushed [her] hundred and five pounds away..."
[9] Italize this "I love you" - she is likely remembering it bitterly, and it could do with the extra emphasis.
[11] typo 'automatically' not 'atomically'
[14] 'She uttered in amazement' not "was uttered in amazement."
[15] comma after 'necessary'
[16] "How odd, still the man on the phone had been genuinely concerned." is awkwardly phrased try either rewriting or seperating into two distinct statements.
"...no one close, he [had] said..." she's referring to a past instance of conversation.
[18] "She only hesitated for the time it took to convince herself, it couldn’t hurt." Try rewritting as; 'She only hesitated for the time it took to convince herself. She reasoned that it couldn’t hurt.'
[25] "...him to leave - drove him away..." a hyphen works much better here - gives emphasis to the last part of the sentence.
[31] "you’ll cry[,] perhaps scream[,] but no one will hear"
[33] 'waist' not 'waiste'
Another good chapter. A much more sinister way of killing someone - by first demoralizing them and convincing her she has nothing to live for.
Good work!
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks so much.
When you decide to read you read.
Your reviews and comments are appreciated and finding all those goofs will make the next draft sooo much easier. I put your work in the files for later corrections.
I could clubber Andy
for some of those booboos but we are creating this story from scratch and so quickly I expected a lot more. So we have to forgive ourselves. Once we get the original draft finished we will be able to slow down and polish it up. These finds and suggestions you have given us will be right by our computers to work in, so thanks again.
Geri
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Excellent Chapter!
Hi Geri,
This is a great chapter and much better than chapter one! I loved the POV and this killer looks for his prey. Your words pulled me in as I read. I couldn't stop myself!
Two suggestions:
Crystal changed to Michelle
she (said) as she set them on the table.
said change to asked
. Rewarded 6
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'graph 11: "automatically" instead of "atomically"?
'graph 27: "shined" instead of "shinned"
'graph 36: need a period at the end of the final sentence.
Holy crap, I wasn't expecting this! Excellent chapter, again! OK, so the "crisis" dude shows up and basically talks Michelle into killing herself or he'll do it for her. Uh oh, bad for Michelle!
So, now the question I'm asking is this: is the killer really working for the Crisis Line or did he bug her phone? Excellent chapter, you two!
. Rewarded 8
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Interesting follow up on chapter one here.
I thought it might be him but didn't think he would be posing as a Crisis Line person. He seemed to be willing her to continue her previous thoughts and then laying a knife on the table saying 'you or me' was the clincher. And then she seems to just give in to it.
I'm not a great critiquer when I get caught up in a story but I noticed a couple of lines in the beginning that might use rewording. I'll just write possible re-phrasings. You'll know which lines.
In p6: 'Another person with helpful advice that time heals all, she consoled herself. They could all go to Hell.' I also think 'consoled' might be changed but not sure to what.
p7: Not sure here. The first line sounds aukward. (can't spell)
Maybe again make it two lines. 'Michelle pushed 'her' hundred and five pounds away from the counter. With hunched shoulders she shuffled 'over' to the small dinette set.' 'hunched'?
also why do p12, 13, and 23 have typed numbers at the end of them. They're not even the p numbers.
These are just my own thoughts mind you. I just thought I'd throw them in there.
Aside from that I thought this was a great chapter and I'm waiting to see what happens next. You guys make a good writing team.
Greg
. Rewarded 8
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I read this when Andy posted it. I guess that's what I get for having both of you as friends
. But I love the way you guys are flowing together. Your writing styles compliment each others.
I don't have any suggestions, sorry
Brooke
. Rewarded 4
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