1
SR Murders2
By Andy Stephenson and Geri Fitzsimmons3
Chapter One4
“Last call for the ‘Dunkin’ run. Put your order in and your change up, unless you want to make it till dawn on that dish water in the lounge.” There was the nightly last minute scramble, as everyone talked at once and stuffed money in Josh’s hand. Too tall, too lean, and twenty-two, Josh Hammond was the least importance member of the behind the scene’s radio crew.5
Mark Gheil gave a soft groan as he eyed the huge clock on the wall. The clock was always set at the correct time—never off by a second. He tossed a fiver on the desk. “Bring some Danishes.” He held his hand up palm forward as his stare settled on Doctor Neil Harris. Everyone knew six Danish were five ninety-nine plus tax and Mark was notoriously cheap.6
Neil Harris waited for the signal. Too narrow in the chest and round in the butt to entice a TV camera, still, he was blessed with a voice to die for. As Mark’s hand came down, Neil cleared his throat.7
"This is KJAB, talk radio, 102.1 on your radio dial. I'm Doctor Neil Harris and I'm here to discuss your problems in the wee hours of this morning. Who do we have as our first caller?"28
A slight whimper could be heard in the immediate stillness that followed the announcement. "Ah, um, I'm Michelle." The voice was thin and forced. 9
“Michelle, a lovely name,” Neil answered. “And Michelle…what seems to be your problem? How can I help you?” Was followed by the expected pause.10
They always had second thoughts. Always needed the pause before they could say the words that disclosed the reason for the late night call. Once decided, the tone became rushed and the words spilled out. "I just can't do it anymore.”11
"Can't do what Michelle?" 12
“I can't go on."13
Neil’s eyebrows shot up and he slowly nodded his head to Mark ‘Bad one’ he indicted. "What do you mean?" he asked.14
"I think I'm going to have to kill myself." 15
Experience gave Neil the ability to hear implications in a voice, that other’s would miss. This lady’s calm assurance rang a bell in his brain. "Surely the situation can't be that bad Michelle?” He said as he gestured that Mark should react. “I need you to listen carefully. I'm going to switch you over to Mark, my producer, and he is going to connect you with someone who can help you."16
He could see Mark was already punching the keys that would connect the caller to the 24 hour Crisis Line. At the Crisis Line they had caller ID and would send the authorities if they determined that suicide was an immediate possibility. Through his headphones he heard the male voice cut in, “Hi Michelle, I’m Dale, I’ve been where you are…” He felt a sense of relief as he closed his end and opened another line.17
“Doctor Neil Harris here to discuss your problems in the wee hours of this morning. Who do we have as our next caller?"18
"I'm Sara.” was followed by the anticipated pause before an angry whine to her words announced that she saw herself as a self-sacrificing mother. “My teenage son has been cutting class behind my back. You see, I'm a single parent and I have to work and I can't be at home to see that he gets off to school. What am I to do?"19
“Sarah, an interesting biblical name—that’s survived unblemished down through the ages. And your problem is just about as old.” Neil laughed softly to lighten the mood. A belligerent teenager feeling the pangs of independence. This was something he could deal with. Already Michelle and her death wish was fading into memory.20
The large clock on the wall continued to tick away the seconds, the minutes and the hours before dawn.21
Five miles away there was knock at Michelle Baine’s door.22
In a list
A bit of editing would help along with opinions [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
-
I enjoyed reading this story. You set the scene well in the opening paragraph. Obviously Josh will play a larger part in the subsequent chapters, seeing that he was mentioned and described so well in your opening paragraph.
If I may make a few suggestion just to make the story flow more easily for the reader.
I would make the dialogue the opening paragraph and start the 2nd paragraph with There was the nightly ... etc. Also I think you meant to write important and not importance in the 1st paragraph.
5th paragraph - I would start a new sentence with the dialogue - "Ah, um, I'm Michelle," The voice was thin and forced.
6th paragraph - I would end the paragraph; The expected pause followed.
7th paragraph - The dialogue "I just can't do it anymore." I would put this on a new line.
12th paragraph - "Surely the situation cant' be that bad Michelle?" he said as he gestured to Mark to restart. The next sentence should be on a new line.
16th paragraph - I think the sentence, Neil laughed softly to lighten the mood etc, should be a new paragraph.
I hope these suggestions are of use to you.
I will certainly be reading the subsequent chapters in this story as you gripped my attention completely. Well done!
Warm wishes
Bernice
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Hi Bernice—Thank ye, thank ye, I needed some fuel to use on Andy.
it is always waiting for us. By picking out those goofs you do make editing so much easier.
This is a first draft that we are attempting to write together for a ‘First’ time and doing it long distance. So far it’s surprising me how quick and readable it is
.
I do hope you are enjoying the read and will continue to follow the story and comment.
Geri
-
Thanks Bernice
It appears we need to give this chapter another go. Thanks for reading, commenting, the suggestions, and the applause. We appreciate it. I hope that you do decide to follow our story. I think you'll find it entertaining.
Andy
-
-
Well, I finally got around to reading the start of this, and I'm pleased that I have. I liked the scene that has been set, and I could hear the doctor on the radio clearly.
. Rewarded 4
-
-
Thank you Pam, for reading and commenting. Your opinion is very much appreciated and we apologize for not saying so earlier. Usually we are not so lax
.
We do hope our story will keep you interested and you will continue to give us your views on the text.
Geri
-
-
Cool. I enjoyed reading this it was well written...left me intrigued. Although i was wondering why oh why was Josh only mentioned once...I found it a little short and i would have enjoyed reading more...
I noticed you had 'importance' in line 5 of p5 which i think you really meant to be important...
Anyways,, I'm off to read more
. Rewarded 6
-
-
Thanks for reading and commenting. Much appreciated
and I apologize for not saying so earlier. ‘Life’ blast it gets in the way of what I really like to do –write.
This of course is a first draft that we are attempting to write together for a ‘First’ time and doing it long distance. So far it’s surprising me how well it’s developing.
Josh wasn’t intended to be more than a background character—we’ll think him over though before we start the next draft.
Hope we can keep your interest, Geri
-
-
Wow, this is really well written. I love the characterisation so far and the last line leaves a very intriguing atmosphere.A bit of contextualisation would be nice...
. Rewarded 4
-
-
Thanks
Thanks very much for reading, commenting, and applauding. We appreciate it. I think you'll find the context you want in the following chapters. You might also like to read the Prologue:
http://storywrite.com/story/146908
Andy
-
-
Now i am glad i came to the start. This was a really good start. I like the way Doctor Neil Harris handles the calls on the line, especially the one from Michelle who is obviously so desperateat this time. I have to put the chapter i read earlier out of my mind as i read what happened earlier. Some people have trouble getting dialogue together, but it seems to me, that you are quite experienced in this field. Perhaps you have written many stories before. I find it difficult and tend to faulter in this area, but not you. The flow was exceptional and right from the start, as before, i was hooked. After this i will be heading to chapter two. I've still got two hours before the net cuts me off...lol. Oh, by the way. Is Andy on site as well? And anyway....Where the bloody hell are ya? I don't see it on your page. Back to business. I did not see anything that needed editing in this chapter. You must have been a little tired last time.
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Yes both Andy and ‘Me’ have been writing for a while but this is our first collaboration—it is coming along great
.
We seem to be a good match up in telling this story. He’s older than me and I’m use to having bigger, bossier, brothers 
. Still when he’s not looking I can sneak up behind and .
Andy of course is one busy dude—like, he wears several important hats. He has more trophies than cops have guns (secretly I think he buys them shush…
) so he’s always winning contests. You can check out his page (Andy Stephenson)As you can see by my skimpy amount I don’t enter often, but I earn lots of points reading and critiquing —so I will get to your offerings soon.
Geri
-
-
Wow, I thought this was really superb. You gave your characters a lot of depth in just a few short minutes, which was amazingly good. I liked the descriptions of them too. They were simple but surprisingly strong and easy to picture, without being too meaningful (if they are, I don't know it yet), like most villians would instantly have, say, black hair, creepy eyes, ect. The ending was brilliant, it finished really well and had such a good cliffhanger. It really makes you wanna read more and makes you think about all the things that might happen next. Really, really good job here! You're dialog is smooth and flowing and you really kept the story well-paced, which made it easy to read. Thanx, XD
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Hi, and thanks for reading and commenting. We do hope you found our little tale interresting enough to continue.
Geri
-
-
An interesting start and well described! Kept me hooked and made me think, and that's quite a cliff-hanger too.
. Rewarded 4
-
This was interesting, and really hooked me! It seems like nothing is happening, but the word choice suggests differently. It makes you pause and think about things. Very good! Keep it up!
. Rewarded 4
-
good
you did a good job describing the characters, except for Josh Hammond -
-
Thanks for reading.
Josh Hammond is really an inportant character. I think he only comes in once more. But I do see your point.
Geri
-
-
Interesting - I like the switch to the point of view of a radio crew. I don't think that's done too much. I think starting the scene with a call for donut run was a perfect detail, too, and really fit in with the setting and the characters and the scene. Another enjoyable chapter, with a clincher at the end to make readers want more. Nicely done.
Notes:
* Why is Josh the least important member of the radio crew? What does he do that puts him at the bottom of the totem pole? Besides the Dunkin' runs...*laughs*
* Para 6: It took me a minute to realize that Mark was holding up five fingers to signal Neil that he had 5 minutes and not telling Josh to get 5 danishes...*laughs* I approve of spelling it Neil and not Neal, by the way. 
Oh, and no donuts for Neil?
* There's a stray "2" at the end of para 8.
* Para 10: "Was followed by the expected pause." This isn't a complete sentence...maybe "This was followed..." Maybe?
* Para 14: I think there should be a period after "to Mark." It seems like the 'Bad one' statement starts a new thought.
* Para 19: "I'm Sara," should have a comma and not a period.
* Para 20: You spell Sara/Sarah differently in paras 19 and 20. *laughs*
* Oooh, creepy ending...
. Rewarded 8
-
-
'morning Irish, thanks for the editing--we can always use that
. Now I can pick on Andy 
(Why is Josh the least important member of the radio crew? What does he do that puts him at the bottom of the totem pole? Besides the Dunkin' runs...*laughs*
) To be honest I don't know--but somebody has to be.
We're so happy you are reading and enjoying this story.
Geri
-
-
Pretty good story. The guy didn't seem to care much abut Michelle though.
-
Some minor grammer/punctuation/spelling errors;
[5] 'important' not 'importance'
[10] Instead of "Was followed by the expected pause." try instead 'A pregnant, though expected, pause followed' - flows somewhat better and fits with your next paragraph.
[16] misuse of 'implications' - try 'inflections' instead. "...bad Michelle?” He said as he..." if he is a psychologist, he would have 'reasoned' instead of just 'said'
[19] "...What am I to do?" sounds slightly out of character for a distressed mother. 'It's frustrating - I just don't know what to do.' It is not a question, but your doctor can still respond to it as if it is one.
Good chapter. Excellent use of suspense at the end (the famous cliff), to hook your readers and insure that they read on - a must for multi-chaptered fiction.
Well done!
. Rewarded 8
-
Geri,
The writing is great and I saw no nits. I have read the other reviews and they seem to love this chapter. Myself I am not so sure.
I like idea of help show on the radio, I think this` chapter would be stronger if you wrote from Michelle POV.
When you open with the radio doctor, I was hoping that she would scream or say something that happen to her.
Those the way you wrote this makes want to read on.
My suggestions:
Make this chapter longer by adding details about your characters or changing the POV of the chapter.
Like said before this is great writing. The POV does not work for me.
Lynn
. Rewarded 8
-
ARGH! Well, this chapter ended way too quickly! Damn, that last line! I was just getting into this and BAM! It ends!
Now, I MUST read on! Excellent way of creating suspense. I didn't really see anything in this, except maybe you introduce Josh at the beginning of this chapter and then he's just sort of gone. I was thinking he was the main character and then the POV switched or at least the focus switched to Dr. Harris.
You might want to check that out and revise that a bit, I guess. Other than that minor detail, I really liked this....I'm off to read more!
. Rewarded 8
-
"Surely the situation can't be that bad Michelle?” He said as he gestured that Mark should react.
he said should not be capitalized
Neil laughed softly to lighten the mood
need a comma after softly
This would make an excellent prologue! Gripping enough to pull the readers in and find out what happens next. (just a suggestion)
Very well described and written. Cannot wait to see what's next.
. Rewarded 8
-
-
After thinking it over, it wouldn't work. Chapter two follows chapter one and so on. But we do appriciate your suggestion.
Please keep reading and commenting.
Geri
-
-
Nice switch around here.
I like how the prologue sets up a feeling of extreme anticipation and then chapter one starts off with a late night radio talk show.
Yet what about Michelle? Does she know something about the other two to make her feel that way? And who exactly is knocking on her door at the end? Hmmm.
Great seemingly nonchalant first chapter. Now I'm really waiting to see what happens next.
Greg
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Posting chapter three on Fri. It should answer your questions. We do hope you will continue to follow the story
Geri
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 27 of 27
