Forever and Ever

"Are you sure you'll be okay? I could spend the night, keep you company..." Sarah hugged her sister Maggie, and walked her to her car. "No, that's okay. I need to be alone, I think. Go on home, get some rest. This has been hard on you, too." Maggie's eyes welled up, and she started to speak again, then stopped, at a loss. Finally, Sarah gave her a kiss on the cheek and a sad smile. "Go home, Maggie. I'll call you if I need anything. I promise." Maggie nodded, wiped the tears from her eyes, and started the car.1

As she drove away, she took one last look back at her older sister in the rear view mirror. Sarah looked so small, so alone, standing in front of that big empty house. The other guests had long since left, having eaten the coffee-cakes and casseroles, given their respects, and murmured the usual platitudes, sincere, but useless. But what could one say that would possibly help? It's one thing when it's an elderly person, they've already lived a full life, and nobody's really much surprised when it ends... But what can you say about a little girl? How can you possibly ease the pain of a woman who's outlived her own child?2

Alone now, Sarah entered the house and looked despairingly around her silent, empty living room. This was play-time. Alice would be dressing her Barbies for prom-night, or a trip to the beach in the white Barbie convertible Santa had brought her last Christmas. In an hour or so, Sarah would run a bath, with lots of bubbles, and begin the slow process of getting a six year old girl ready for bed. She cringed now, thinking of the times she had lost her temper, snapping at the child when she begged for another story, another glass of water, another peek under the bed, just to be sure there weren't any monsters.3

Trying to think of something else, anything else, she began straightening up; gathering used glasses and plates, half eaten jello molds, congealing tuna casseroles, piling everything on the kitchen counter. She loaded the dishwasher, and reached into the cabinet under the sink for the detergent. Her hand brushed against something, and peering into the darkness she saw, laying on a pile of old rags, Grizzly, Alice's teddy bear. No matter how many times Sarah told her to stay out of there, Alice insisted that the dark space under the sink was Grizzly's cave, and the rags his bed.4

She clutched the bear to her chest and began to sob. She had thought she was cried out, but it seemed that she never would be. She gave up on the dishes, and went to Alice's bedroom, curling up on the small four-poster bed. She could still smell her in the sheets, which she had not stripped yet. She had changed nothing in this room, couldn't bear to think of packing up her only child's belongings. Once they were gone, it would be as if Alice never existed, she would be reduced to a photo on the mantle and a mother's memory. As long as this room stayed the same, Sarah could imagine that she would walk in, dressed in footy pajamas and smelling of toothpaste and baby powder.5

Sarah cried herself to sleep, as she had every night since she had found her daughter in the backyard, stung by bees and swollen so badly Sarah had thought her clothes would split at the seams. She had never even known that Alice was allergic, as she had had the amazing good fortune of never having been stung in her whole six years. But when she finally was, it was not just once, or twice, but dozens of times. She had poked around and disturbed a hive. She hadn't even cried out before her throat swelled shut, and by the time Sarah found her, it was too late.6

Some time later, Sarah woke up suddenly, heart pounding in her chest. She looked around wildly, thinking that she had felt something brush against her face. "Must have been a bad dream" she muttered to herself, and consciously slowed her breathing. As she lay back against the pillows, she felt again a small warm hand on her cheek. She turned her head slowly, eyes wide and staring, and met her daughter's own blue eyes. Alice smiled sleepily, and whispered "It's okay Mommy, bad dreams can't hurt you." She patted Sarah's cheek, and cuddled close against her chest, as she did on stormy nights when thunder chased her into her mothers room. Sarah let out a strangled scream, and fainted.7

In the first early light of dawn, she awoke, and remembering the night before, scrambled wildly out of her daughter's bed. She threw back the covers and saw nothing, only wrinkled pink sheets and poor old Grizzly, the teddy bear. She sat down hard on the floor, and laughed a little with relief, then began to cry. She missed her little girl so much that she was hallucinating, she was cracking up. Even now, she imagined that she could hear little footsteps coming up behind her. She turned and beheld her daughter, her dead daughter, standing in the doorway, smiling radiantly. "I made you breakfast, Mommy!" She slopped orange juice onto her arm as she tried to carry the glass and a bowl of Cap'n Crunch in her little hands.8

"Oh my god, oh god, what's happening to me?" Sarah moaned, struggling to her feet. Alice pouted a little. "Aren't you going to eat your breakfast, Mommy? I made it special for you." She sat the cereal and juice down on her little pink bedside table and climbed up onto the bed, folding her hands in her lap. "Are you still scared by your bad dream, Mommy?" she asked. Sarah looked into her darling little face, and slowly reached out one shaking hand. Stroking Alice's blond bangs back from her forehead, she forced a smile. "No, I'm okay now, honey. Thank you for breakfast." She sat down next to her daughter and just stared at her, disbelieving. "What did you dream, Mommy?" Sarah sighed, and pulled her close, relishing the warmth of the little body against her own. "I dreamed you were gone away, baby." Alice laughed. "That's silly, I'm not gone away, I'm right here forever and ever!" She patted her mothers hand. "Forever, mommy!"9

After breakfast, Sarah followed Alice downstairs, watching her little blond head bobbing as she hopped from step to step. For the hundredth time, she started to tell her not to jump, that it was dangerous, but stopped herself with a horrified little laugh. What, was she going to hurt herself? Skin her knee, perhaps? Could ghosts bleed? She wondered, suddenly imagining a band-aid floating in the air on an invisible knee. Of course, Alice wasn't invisible. Not at all. She could see her, touch her, even smell her. "Crazy, Sarah. You've gone totally nuts." She muttered, as little Alice skipped joyfully into the living room to watch her morning cartoons, as she always did.10

All morning and afternoon, Sarah watched her little daughter, waiting for her to vanish. Would it be a slow fading out, or a sudden 'poof', and then she's gone? Maybe it would be like in the movies; Alice would make some wise and comforting last remarks, then head into the light, her sweet voice slowly fading into the distance. But evening came, and Alice still remained, looking curiously at her mother now and then when she caught her staring. Finally, not knowing what else to do, Sarah ran Alices bubble bath and lay out her pajamas on the little bed. 'If I'm going to be crazy, might as well do it right' she thought, laughing to herself. Her little girl was back, and that was all that mattered. Her beautiful little angel, lost forever only yesterday, was right here, making herself an old man beard out of bubbles. Right here, forever and ever.11

For days, Sarah acted as the little girls shadow, fearing that if she took her eyes off of her, even for a second, she might disappear. Luckily, her late husband, Alices father, had been a wealthy man and she had no need for a job. She told those who called that she was fine, wanted to be alone, there was no need to come over, really. She dreaded the moment when they would look right through the child, unseeing, perhaps breaking the spell. On the fourth day, she opened the fridge, empty except for a dish of lime jello, with unidentifiable chunks, presumably fruit, floating inside. The cupboards yielded little more, and she sighed. Flipping through the phonebook, she found a grocery store that would deliver, and put in her order. It occured to her that in today's world, one really never had to leave the house, if they had enough money.12

A while later, she heard the door bell ring, immediately followed by Alices voice, "I'll get it!" She had always loved answering the door, pretending that she was the lady of the house. "No! Alice, wait..." Sarah ran for the door, not sure what she was afraid of, but terrified all the same. Too late, she saw Alice standing in the doorway, smiling up at the teenage delivery boy. "May I help you?" Alice asked, in her best grownup voice. The boy smiled and played along. "Yes, Ma'am. I've got the groceries you ordered. Where do you want them?" Alice beamed and gestured toward the kitchen. "Right this way, please." Spoken with what Sarah assumed was meant to be an English accent. Breathless, Sarah watched as he followed Alice into the kitchen, throwing a quick smile and a wink her way as he passed. After she had paid him, she watched through the kitchen window as he drove away, waving goodbye at Alice, who was at the window next to her, waving enthusiastically.13

"Oh, my god. He saw you. He actually saw you." Alice looked at her oddly. "Of course he saw me Mommy. Why wouldn't he?" Sarah shook her head, and ruffled the little girls hair. "No reason, honey. Don't pay any attention to me, Mommy's just tired." Alice began digging through the brown paper bags, searching for goodies, and wrinkling her nose at the vegetables. "Yuck, broccoli. I hate broccoli." Sarah smiled down at her. "Well, you need your vegetables." Alice made a gagging sound and a horrible face. "Blech! Why?" Sarah thought about it. Why, indeed? So she could grow up big and strong? It suddenly occured to her that Alice was six years old, and would always be six years old, no matter what she ate. "You're right, baby. Who needs broccoli?" Sarah tossed the broccoli into the sink and lifted Alice onto the counter. "Would you do the honors?" Alice cheered and flipped the switch that started the garbage disposal, clapping as the nasty green stuff disappeared down the drain.14

For several weeks, Sarah lived as a recluse. She let the machine pick up the phone, answering only when her sister's messages began sounding frantic. She assured Maggie that she was fine, she just needed some time alone. She covered the receiver when Alice began to whine, wanting to talk to Aunt Maggie. "What was that? Is someone there with you?" Maggie asked. "No, no, of course not. Nobody here but us chickens." She covered the phone again as Alice began clucking and flapping her arms. Trying not to laugh, she told Maggie she had something on the stove and hung up.15

Alice began to get scratchy and irritable. It was summer, and like any normal (any living) little girl, she hated being cooped up in the house. She wanted to see her friends, play tag and hide-n-seek, ride her little pink bicycle. She would sit at the window and watch the neighborhood children play, begging Mommy to let her go join in. Sarah was at a loss, and running out of excuses. She was terrified at what might happen if Alice left the house. She tried to keep her occupied with books and games, but Chutes and Ladders held little appeal when the sun was shining so brightly outside.16

Sarah didn't know what to say to her, but knew she couldn't risk letting her out. She felt like the worst Mommy in the world when Alice began to cry, but there were too many dreadful possibilities. She had thought she was losing her mind, until the grocery boy had seen Alice too. What if her little friends could see her? What if they went home and told their parents they had played with Alice, whose funeral they had attended weeks before? There would probably be a few spankings for the supposed fibs, but eventually people would compare notes and start asking questions. Questions Sarah couldn't answer.17

Worse, what if they couldn't see her? Alice would be confused and hurt. Sarah would have to try to explain, and she had no idea where to start. How do you tell a six year old that she's dead? Alice's only concept of death was that you were here, then you disappeared and went to heaven. She was too young to remember her father's death, but she had been told countless times that Daddy was up in heaven watching her. Well, Alice hadn't disappeared, she hadn't gone to heaven, and surely ghosts didn't take bubble baths. Sarah couldn't understand it herself, let alone explain it.18

Finally, the solution came to her. She and her husband had bought a summer place several years ago. It was technically a cabin, but quite large, with two bedrooms, a small boathouse and a lovely view of the lake. Sarah had taken Alice up there only once after his death. While she knew a few people well enough to nod at on the street, she had no friends up there. Their closest neighbors would be summer people, usually renters. Alice could play outside and swim in the lake to her heart's content, and if someone saw her, what of it? No one there knew of her death.19

She found the number for the caretaker, old Zeke, and asked him to have the place dusted and aired out before the weekend. When he asked her how long she planned to stay, she hesitated. "I don't know. Maybe quite a while. Maybe forever." Zeke offered to get the number of the local school his grand-daughter attended. Sarah chuckled a little. "You know, I don't think that'll be necessary." Zeke thought about that. "Oh, she's one of them home-school kids, huh?" Sarah agreed, thinking that was a great explanation, one she would use herself. Zeke promised to have the place ready, and they hung up.20

"Alice, we need a vacation!" Sarah called out. "Pack your bags, and don't forget your bathing suit!" Alice cheered and rummaged through the hall closet, digging out her small rolling suitcase and causing a small shoe avalanche in the process. She took the stairs two at a time, suitcase thumping behind her. Sarah went up to help her pack. They decided to take everything, since they didn't know how long they would be staying. Well, Sarah thought, look on the bright side. At least this year I know her winter clothes will still fit. They'll still fit next year, too. She hurried to the bathroom before Alice could see the tears in her eyes.21