Mercenary Of Racurse: Prologue.

Red sky at night, A soldier fights. Red sky in the morning, a Mother's mourning. 1

In the cold of the morning, the giant sun of Racurse spread its red stain across the sky. As it crawled over the horizon, nine black specks could be seen silhouetted against it. Smoke crawled into the sky beside them, like fingers reaching up into the Heavens, carrying the reek of blood and burning flesh. The ground below was littered with the bodies of men torn in combat; everyone dead or dying. That is the price you pay for treachery.2

***3

The Scrolls Of Candor: An exert from the chronicles of the great wars.4

The great war between Wrase and Curwras last many arduous years. Thousands of men and women from both sides died in terrible conflict. Towns and cities were razed to the ground. Children were slaughtered, no thought was given to helpless. 5

On the 6th day of the 17th moon, in the cold winter, the mighty armies of the Wrase sounded the retreat. Fleeing, before both nations were wiped from the face of the world. Some Wrase stayed, outcasts, mercenaries, fighting to live, living to fight. Amongst them were nine, who were rumoured to be fighting for their Empire's honour. But that is idle speculation brought on by sad men in bars. No one stayed to fight for the Empire of Wrase. It has died, they are gone...6

***7

The nine figures flew north into the rising sun. The great Kurgons huge bat-like wings beat the air in slow steady beats. Their long tails trailed behind them, like Death's Scythe, dealing death to anything in their way. Their short, hard, scaly necks stretched out in front of them. Atop the necks were great heads; heads with gaping jaws that could wreak havoc on enemies. 8

Nine riders sat atop the great beasts, their black armour absorbing the light like a void. Not a shining point on any of them. With long delicate fingers they held the reigns of the Kurgans, not giving the appearance of someone handling a beast never known to be ridden, but the calm competence of one well used to such creatures. The wind whipped through short hair as the Kurgons streaked through the air at incredible speed. The Wrase's narrow eyes were mere slits against the wind as they stared toward the rising sun. 9

Delicate was the word that usually came too mind when describing them, but that was what many people who fought them had thought, and most of them were dead.10

The lead rider, Dyagarné, scanned the horizon. His pitiless black eyes took in every detail; no bird or animal escaped his hard gaze He turned on his Kurgon, his scarcely proportioned body twisted round in a smooth, lithe movement, as he scanned the world behind him; no one was coming... yet. 11

***12

Lightning struck the out jutting rock formation. The man hiding beneath it jumped as he felt the lightning pulse through his body. His eyes were wide with fear, as he looked around himself. He scrambled further back under the rock. Why did this have to happen to him? he wondered. But that thought didn't stay long, for a black figure loomed out of the rain. The man beneath the rock opened his mouth to scream, but he didn't get that far. A cold hand clamped over his mouth. He struggled against it. But it was of no avail, the hand was to strong. That was not going to subdue him though. He opened his mouth, as he did so he felt one of the fingers slid inside his mouth. He bit as hard as he could, tasting blood as his teeth broke the skin. The grip slackened and the attacked howled in pain. The man took his chance and wrenched away. He ran, stumbling out into the night. This was a strange place, he would have to watch his step, if he were to remain alive. 13

The lightning flashed, the black figure stopped nursing his nearly severed finger, and glared after the departing man. His eyes glinting in the lightning flashes. His patience was at an end; for days he had tracked the man, and only had a nearly severed finger to show for his troubles.

Author notes

Ok, this is the prologue to my major novel I'm working on, my semi-epic piece Enjoy!

(For contest just entered) My user name is DoozerDan.

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice, then sit back and watch the world, well wondering how you did it.

A contest entry

Anything you think needs fixing, please point it out!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 59 of 59

  • poetry is soul
    November 4

    Edit | Reply
    i really like it. its very good, and i think you did a good job the imagery. i would like to read more of this. keep up with the good work!


  • Valkyrie silver member
    September 20

    Edit | Reply
    It's very intriguing; the information you give, and don't give, in your prologue here make me really want to find out more. Your nine remind me strongly of the Nazgul from LOTR, with there being nine, and on crazy scary flying things.
    And since you asked, here's some stuff I think could use a bit o' fixing:
    P1, don't need to capitalize A or Mother, unless you're making it like a poem, in which case, that's cool, and you'll want to capitalize A right in front of Mother as well.
    P2 could be seen = passive voice
    everyone dead or dying - is a sentence fragment
    P4 exert = excerpt?
    P5 lastED many arduous years
    razed means torn down completely, so "to the ground" is actually not necessary. some other cool adverb would be good though
    semicolon after slaughtered
    P6 the sentence that begins "Fleeing..." is a fragment
    the comma after "stayed" could be a colon, since after it you're listing stuff, instead of having a sentence with noun and verb
    that is idle speculation = present tense in a past tense paragraph, alas, it is misunderstood
    same with the last dramatic sentence there. Although it's really a good sentence, it's in the present tense.
    P8 Kurgons needs to be possessive with the apostrophe: Kurgons' wings
    your sun rises in the north? That's cool...I assume you meant to say it that way, right? Awesome.
    I know this one is SO nitpicky, but when you describe their necks first and then their heads, in two different sentences, it kind of seemed as if the heads were in some strange place; oh, yes, it was the "atop". The necks stretch in front, but the heads are on top? yeah, that was misleading in my mind's eye! Maybe you could consider joining the sentences somehow, like "Their short, hard, scaly necks stretched out in front of them, ending in great heads with gaping jaws that could wreak havoc on enemies."
    P9 reigns = reins
    the sentence where you describe how well the nine ride their Kurgans falls a bit awkwardly on my ears; I think it's specifically the "someone handling a beast never known to be ridden," part. "Someone" seems a bit vague for these accomplished and scary dudes. You might just leave out that part, and shorten it up to have it say "the Kurgans, exuding the calm competence of those well used to such (enter some kind of dangerous-sounding adjective here)creatures." or some such. It sounds like they're usually untameable, yet these guys can ride them, is where I think you're going.
    whose short hair is that? the riders, or the Kurgons'?
    Wrase's implies only one Wrase. Wrases' implies all of them; not sure which you meant.
    P10 came too mind = to mind
    need a period after hard gaze.
    scarcely proportioned, oh my () I think you're trying to say he's very slender, right? and not a blob of tissue with almost no proportions to it at all...ahem. Maybe gauntly?
    P13 out jutting could use a hyphen between them
    he lived through getting electrocuted? dude...that's quite a talent!
    you don't need that comma between fear and as
    Why did this have to happen to him? he wondered. - if this is a direct quote from his head, you'll want "him" to be "me"
    I really didn't get that the cold hand was at all attached to the black figure in the rain. It seemed kind of sudden to jump from being seen in the rain to being close and swift enough to clamp a hand over the guy's mouth; might help to work in a bit of bridging between those two parts
    to strong = too strong
    your sentence "He opened his mouth..." is run-on
    the attacked = attacker
    also about that sentence, the grip and the attacker still seem a bit too separate. "The attacker's grip slackened as he howled in pain," style of fing, maybe
    semicolon between place and he
    P14 semicolon or period (period might be more dramatic) between flashed and the
    oh dear, did he stop nursing the finger, or did he stop, nursing the finger?
    also, the glaring after the man seems to go better with the eyes glinting, rather than the separate sentences they're in (the eyes glinting one is a fragment btw)
    again, nitpicky for style only but it seems it would sound better if you swapped only and had so it reads "had only"

    Okey dokey, it sounds good! You have more of it here? Nicely written, and keep up the good work


  • papercutangel86
    August 13

    Edit | Reply
    hmmm this was pretty diffrent, but i liked it thanks for entering this it added a unque flavor to the contest. I would like more details on those wars. They seemed very cool. :


  • Gothic-Serenity silver member
    July 22
    Edit | Reply
    This is interesting, and descriptive enough to work.


  • eyeambaldman
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    'graph 2 kicks ass and is well worth expanding without destroying any mystery too the actual storyline.

    I really liked this piece. You have created really cool world and then shown us bits and pieces of it. I do feel you could "show" us this world through your prose in later chapters, but you do an admirable job of giving us a sneak peek into your world. Keep posting this!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 19
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. I might blow it up some. Hopefully it's nothing compared to the rest of the story though, hahah.

      I have first half of the next chapter up, on my page. It's not as well written as this yet though..

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    July 17

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Dan, you have some great ideas here and are capable of creating descriptive and intriguing scenes.

    I can’t wait to ‘See’ what this novel will become.

    JMHO so you can tell me to ‘go stuff it ‘ but what you have here is almost an outline for several chapters. There are a few too many scenes for a prologue. You might consider taking the first scene:

    In the cold of the morning, the giant sun of Racurse spread its red stain across the sky. As it crawled over the horizon, nine black specks could be seen silhouetted against it. Smoke crawled into the sky beside them, like fingers reaching up into the Heavens, carrying the reek of blood and burning flesh. The ground below was littered with the bodies of men torn in combat; everyone dead or dying. That is the price you pay for treachery.2 "I love it "

    Perhaps flesh it out a bit more; let the reader in on what those black specks are, if they are characters bring them into the picture. Give the reader some action instead of just 'Telling'.

    “That is the price you pay for treachery.” Is a fabulous hook to draw your reader into the story.

    Geri


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 17
      Edit | Reply
      Hey thanks. That's really encouraging. Painting a good scene for me isn't as easy as telling a joke, so it's great to know that I can do it if I put my mind to it.

      Hmm. Yes, that's true. There is a lot in here. I'm not sure I want to make it more detailed, because to me that draws it away from the main plot. That bit was mainly meant to introduce you to the type of world they live in; brutal. In the next chapter, they make mention to just what happened.

      Mainly I don't give action here, is because the rest of the novel will be action packed. Kinda reluctant to drag them straight into the action first page. Haha. That's what I had in mind when I wrote this anyway.

      You might disagree, but thank you for sharing the idea anyway. I'll think about it some more, and how knows, I might decide it works better like you say. Haha.

      Thanks for the read, comment and applause!

      P.S. I likes that hook too.


  • Prim-Rose
    July 16

    Edit | Reply
    It's a great prologue and makes me want to read the next chapters. It was written well and there weren't any errors that I could really see. It's a great start, good job!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 16
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you.

      Good to know that I've finally managed to iron the bumps out of it. Thanks to many critiques.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.


  • Abstract Muse gold member
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    I read this last week in the 101 contest but don't think I commented. I read like twelve stories the last day and didn't comment on them. I'm a lazy bastard sometimes. *chuckles*

    I think this is a good start for the story. The Kurgons and their riders made me think of the Nazguls in Lord of the Rings for some reason. While you made mention of the great wars, you said nothing of why it started and what it is about. That's what really caught my interest.

    I look forward to finding the answers in the coming chapters.
    And yes, fantasy is one of my favorite genres to read, so write on.
    Greg


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 14
      Edit | Reply
      Well thanks for dropping by and commenting now.

      Yeah, you're not the first person to point the connection between Kurgons and Nazguls, but there isn't much I can do about that. I knew they were alike when I started writing, but couldn't change it without ruining it. Haha, J.R.R. found a good mix when he did them.

      Well, I got Chapter one part A up. The grammar is kinda lacking though... And lots to fix still, but it's there nonetheless.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • Quixotic Greeters member
    July 10

    Edit | Reply

    Good.

    Not my genre of choice, but very enjoyable. I think this is definitely a good beginning with a very strong back-story. Thanks for the entry...i enjoyed this. D.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 10
      Edit | Reply
      Not your genre of choice? What is your genre os choice? I thought you said it was fantasy (among other things) Which is what this is, dark (well, it's not light at any rate) fantasy. Haha, sorry, just trying to work out what you like. I've entered most all of your contests, and still to find something you really like, bit puzzled.

      But, I'm glad that you did enjoy it.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    July 3
    Edit | Reply
    You spell Racurse/Racruse differently in the title and story. I know I've commented on this before, but I just wanted to point that out.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 3
      Edit | Reply
      Whoops. Missed that, hard when the spell checker puts a red line under the word either way...

  • wolfcub
    June 5

    Edit | Reply
    "a Mothers mourning." you need an apostrophe, either before the 's' if it's a single mother is mourning, or after if it is a "mourning" for lots of mothers.
    "was one of many years length" It sounds like you're trying to avoid the cliche, but to be honest I think "lasted many years" would work better.
    "slaughtered, no thought". You need either to put "with no thought", or add another verb (was).
    "whom" you can't use whom in this sense. you need to say 'who' or 'about whom it was told'.
    "Empires" --> Empire's
    "It is dead, they are gone..." Since this is the second present tense I have seen used, I would suggest that, if possible, you should italicise present tense parts. Or put them into past tense.

    "figures flying north into" at the moment this is a clause without a proper verb. You need to say 'were flying' or 'flew'.
    "short hard scaly necks, stretched" 'short, hard, scaly necks stretched.' You need commsa to separate the adjectives but the sentence is one clause so no comma is needed between necks and stretched.
    "a great heads" at the moment this is both singular and plural. Use either 'a head' (in which case you need 'a neck') or 'heads'.
    "full grown" this should be hyphonated, but you could get away with just saying 'grown'.
    "a void" I like this - could you change it to 'the void'? It would add more drama to the idea.
    "the Kurgans. Not giving the" I would change the fullstop to a comma, and possibly swap the 'giving' and 'not around'. But then I'm not a fan of 'statement sentences' which I feel are being overused here.
    "them thought" I would use a pluperfect - 'them had thought'.
    "His pitiless black eyes, taking in every detail, no bird or animal escaped his hard gaze" Change punctuation and verb form. --> 'His pitiless black eyes took in every detail; no bird or animal escaped his hard gaze'

    "rock, opened" no comma needed. "that far, a cold hand" --> 'that far - a cold hand'
    "avail, the" again use a '-' or ';'
    "bite" --> bit
    "figured" --> figure
    "He ran stumbling out into the night. This was a strange place, he would have to watch his step. If he wanted to remain alive." --> 'He ran, stumbling, out into the night. This was a strange place; he would have to watch his step, if he [wanted/were] to remain alive.'

    "The lightning flashed, and the black figure stopped nursing his nearly severed finger, and glared after the" --> 'The lightning flashed, the black figure stopped nursing his nearly severed finger, and glared after the' Don't put too many ands in a sentence - it doesn't flow well.
    "was at an end, for days " again use a ';' or '-'

    There were lots of grammatical errors in here, especially misuse of commas. If you haven't edited this or asked anybody to edit it for you, I can understand it, but generally punctuation at least should be acceptable even in a rough draft.
    You probably need to either revise where commas, apostrophes and other punctuation are used, or LEARN where they are for the first time! For people like myself, mistakes draw the attention away from the actual story, however good it is.
    This does sound like quite a cliched prologue to a story, but then fantasy is hard to be original. I'll reserve judgement on the originality until I've read a little further and seen what this is really about!
    Hopefully this doesn't all sound negative, and having mistakes pointed out will make you chage them so that future reviewers can focus on the story.
    Your description is very good, but the sentence structure very simplistic, and in several cases unusual (to say the least!)
    If you like, I can try to help you structure your sentences better, or give you a few examples of where to use commas and where not to.
    Katie


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 23
      Edit | Reply
      I edited this prologue. I'd love it if you could look over it again and see how well I've improved it.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 5
      Edit | Reply
      Hey sweet, now you've listed them all. I can just go through and add.

      Yeah, I wrote this... a year ago? which was very soon after I'd just started writing. And not edited it recently. Hence the crap load of mistakes.

      Sorry there was so much there that it detracted from the story. It's not that I -want- to have poor grammar, it's just that I don't have much time to write, and I keep writing more stuff. But I still like to get feedback on my writing, so I put it out.

      It's quite cliched? Mind pointing out in what ways? I didn't think it was too cliched... but I -know- the rest of the novel isn't as cliched. At least, I hope not, because I'm taking every cliche and flipping its head, and writing something completely different. As you can see, I got no dragons, I got whole new races. And the list goes on. I do however have 9 mercenary, as people keep pointing out... but I have damn good reasons for that number, and no other number works.

      I would love all the help you can give, thank you very much for the offer.


  • scriptor
    June 3
    Edit | Reply
    i dont really have anything to say that i didnt the first time, but this is a great start and this may be my faveorite in the contest. maybe

  • WillyLee
    May 27

    Edit | Reply
    Real nice descriptive writing, particularly about the kurgons and the dark figure in the lightning. I like the way you give just enough details so that I get the picture, but not too much detail, so that the story keeps moving and there remains some mystery. I hope it will be continued.

    There are a number of grammatical errors that need attention, but it's really intriquing with evocative imagery.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 28
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much It's good to know I haven't failed to much on the descriptions. I have to admit, it's not my forté. So it's good to know I can do it, when I want

      One day I'll get round to editing... oh for more time...

      I have the first part of chapter one up on my page, if you want to check it out, that'd be great. I love feedback, and I'll try to find some of that elusive time to give you some feedback on some of your stories.

  • toolenduso
    May 27

    Edit | Reply
    Good job. It's certainly interesting, and you do a good job of encompassing quite a bit of story without making it last forever. I love your description of the Kurgan riders, I think they will be awesome characters to write about.

    However, I feel this piece could have benefited in certain areas with some more detail. There was a decent number of mistakes, but they weren't bad enough to seriously affect the piece. My biggest criticism would be the flow. It gets rather confusing when you go from scene to scene within the piece.

    Overall, however, good job! Thanks for entering!

    Style: 8/10
    Flow: 7/10
    Uniqueness: 4/5
    Readability: 5/7
    Effect: 6/10
    Lack of Errors: 1/3
    Personal Score: 3/5
    Total: 34/50


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 13
      Edit | Reply
      Heh. I just went and did a edit on this, fixing flow, errors, and over all readability. Haha.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 27
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you I'm glad you like it, I wrote this awhile ago before my writing improved much, so I know it's a bit rough. I really need to try find time to smooth it out.

      In the document it's much easier to read, and flows much better, it's mainly this site which screws that up. Need to remember to use ***

      Thank you for commenting!

  • Muhammed
    May 22
    Edit | Reply
    it was good, the beginning, to tell you the truth, threw me off a little bit,the narration was a bit weak and not as interesting as what came after it. And you know ,the 9 riders and their beasts are in the lord of the rings, but overall it is really good.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 27
      Edit | Reply
      Hmm, funny how different tastes are? Quite a few people really like the start, and I didn't think it was weak. *shrugs* I guess it depends what you like, really.

      And yes, I am very well aware that LoTR has Nine Riders. But just 'cause it does isn't going to make me change this, because nine is the number I need, it is a good number for a mercenary team, easy to divide into good size skirmish groups, three of three. Eight doesn't work, 10 doesn't work, 11 doesn't work, seven doesn't work. nine is the best one for more reasons then I'm going to start listing here.

      I'm glad you enjoyed it over all. Sometime I'll get round to smoothing the lumps out of it.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!


  • Vampiric souls
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good start to a story and I am interested in reading more. Hope the rest is as good as this, thanks for entering!!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 16
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you I have the first part of chapter one uploaded on my page, if you wish to check it out.

      Thanks for commenting!


  • NinjaMegami
    May 8
    Edit | Reply

    mmmmm.......

    i couln't help but show this mistake: The great war between Wrase and Curwras was one of many years length. thousands of men and women from both sides died in terrible conflict. the "t" in thousands needs to but capitalized! don't worry! the story is good!!!!!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 8

      Edit | Reply
      Hahaha! Well, that's fixed now Thanks for pointing it out.

      Thanks for the comment!


      • NinjaMegami
        May 8

        Edit | Reply

        don' worry

        i make a ton of mistakes. but people point them out! sorry i had to be the one to point it out. i hate to critisize people's work! ( i don't know if i spelled "critisize right... ) good luck! i'm sorry i offerd lil' points, i wanna start another contest already! **


        • DoozerDan silver member
          May 8
          Edit | Reply
          Yeah, don't we all? Personally I love it when people criticise my work, then I know what to fix. Though of course, I'd love to think that my writing is perfect, and I never get anything wrong, but hey, I know that ain't true

          If yah need points for contests, drop me a line, I got almost 2,000 floating around. If I can work out how to send them to people


  • Trillian
    May 4

    Edit | Reply
    Me likes =P It's very descriptive, which I like in a story. You can really paint pictures in people mind's; that's a good quality to have in writing. Two thumbs up!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 4
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you That's what I'm really trying for in this novel, painting clear pictures


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    April 23

    Edit | Reply
    So you don't write just homor then, eh? Seriously, though, I like this. It's obvious you know the fantasy genre very well, and you've pulled out all of the stops here. There's obviously some editing still to do (check your semicolons and be sure to use apostrophes when necessary - for instance, "mother's mourning"). I also might suggest breaking this into bits with some kind of division between each part, since there are a couple of segments here. It was hard sometimes to tell where one ended and another started. I often use *** as a division - it's easy and serves it's purpose. Other than that, this is quite an interesting start. Good luck with it!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      April 23
      Edit | Reply
      See? I'm not stuck in a rut with only being able to write one genre. I think I can actually do pretty much any style, humour is just the most fun

      Wait... I used semicolons in this? I thought this was before I started using them... oh well, guess that's why they're in the wrong spots Will use them *** too, I do have the separation by larger spaces between lines in the proper version, it just takes 'em all out here...

      Thanks for reading and commenting!


      • IrishYndina Greeters member
        April 23
        Edit | Reply
        Well my general philosophy on ruts is that they're never as deep as they look. And they're not actually all that good at "stucking" anyone - tripping, yes, but when was the last time you saw a person stuck waiste deep in a run? *laughs*


        • DoozerDan silver member
          April 23
          Edit | Reply
          Hmmm, true, true. I seen a few old people that get stuck in a rut, course, by then they can't run any more, just plod along on their walkers, getting deeper and deeper, till they is 6 ft down and in a wooden box.


  • ShadowQueen12
    April 14
    Edit | Reply
    I don't see any errors, Dan. I loved it! You described the characters very well. Good job!


  • scriptor
    April 13
    Edit | Reply
    yeah so when are you going to post the first chapter


    • DoozerDan silver member
      April 13
      Edit | Reply
      When I finish editing it. I wrote it awhile ago, back when my style wasn't so good, so lots to fix


  • scriptor
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    a very good read. I could be wrong but wouldnt a bar in a fantasy story be called an inn. also just to let you know the 9 riders thing was in lord of the rings so its already been done.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      April 6
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you I'm glad you enjoyed it. Inn... Ah-hah! Finally! I know bar isn't right, but I could not for the life of me work out which word was right, thank you muchly. And yes, I'm well aware that LoTR has 9 riders, but hell, they have most things in fantasy, you can't write fantasy without using some aspect from LoTR but it suits my purpose, so I'll stick with it.


  • Miss Hanako Megumi
    April 5

    Edit | Reply
    Lots of historical facts and such in this story, we got a good background and the story just kept on delivering. : )
    Awesome and Good Luck!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      April 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you The actual story has a lot less background, I figured if I could get that out of the way now, it'd be easier. I really should try find some time to finish editing the first chapter, and upload it. And also find some time to read through this contest, and vote... 0.o No time, no time....


  • Lost on the way
    March 30
    Edit | Reply
    cool!! i loved it soooo much!!!! keep on writing!!!!!!


  • B Chandler Greeters member
    March 29

    Edit | Reply

    Commentary Critique

    It took me a good while to read this but afterwards, I did notice a few minor fixes. In paragraph three, there was sort of a verb confusion but only after I realized it was the misspelling of 'Excerpt'. In paragraph six, tweleth line omit the word 'WOULD' and 'COME' then just say 'CAME'.

    Other from that, kuddos of the overall feel


    • DoozerDan silver member
      March 29
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comment. I need to do an edit of this, 'cause it's actually quite old, and my grammar/punctuation and stuff isn't anywhere near as good as it is now days. I'm surprised my spell checker didn't pick up on "Excert"...


  • ParadoxicalOxymoron
    March 24

    Edit | Reply
    Very good! A couple of edits, first:
    "Why did this have to happen to him he wondered." Maybe it should be: "'Why did this have to happen to him?' he wondered."
    Some sentences are choppy and don't make sense.

    I love the story, though! It definitely has great potential. Good luck, keep writing, and thanks for entering!


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    March 19

    Edit | Reply
    This was a very good beginning and I can see why you won gold. Description were detailed and the scene flowed smoothly. My only suggestion is smell. I'm a five senses person and I need to know what it smelled like.
    Keep penning
    Brooke


    • DoozerDan silver member
      March 19
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you

      Smell... You know, I had never even thought of that... I'll be sure to add it in edits! Thank you very much for the suggestion!

      Dan.


  • darkangel7567
    March 11
    Edit | Reply
    I love your descriptions and I would really like to read the novel. Excellent work!!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      March 11
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you

      I think I has two chapters of the novel written (About 10,000) But they need editing. But once I've done that, and upload, I can let you know that they're out, if you like?


  • Jacki.
    March 7
    Edit | Reply

    Ooooooo

    Definitely captivating. You've got imagery down.


  • Intrepid
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    THAT WAS BRUTAL: But something dragged me in and kept me reading and I cannot place my finger on it at all ^_^

    I think out of the whole peice this had to be my favourite part:
    Why did this have to happen to him he wondered. But that thought didn't stay long, for a black figure rose out of the rain. The person underneath the rock, opened his mouth to scream, but he didn't get that far, a cold hand clamped over his mouth. He struggled against it. But it was of no avail, the hand was to strong. But that was not going to subdue him. He opened his mouth, as he did so he felt one of the fingers slid inside his mouth.

    For some reason the imagery jumped at me

    GOOD WRITE
    PRAISE
    GOOD LUCK
    THANK YOU FOR ENTERING

    Blair
    ~P.M~


    • DoozerDan silver member
      March 6
      Edit | Reply
      Yes, it is rather brutal. The whole novel will be much like that. But I'm glad you kept reading, and enjoyed it I've heard that I'm really good at beginnings, and can really drag people in.

      This is actually one of the first pieces where I've been focused more on imagery then dialogue, so I'm really pleased that you liked it

      Thank you for the applause!

1 - 59 of 59