Deep in the bowels of the earth in an immense cavern a figure kneels, head bowed in submission before a ancient throne carved of onyx. On the throne sits A female, the Mother of bloodlust as she is known to her children she is the creator of Nosufur-atu. To humans she is know by many names Lilith, Sekhmet, Hecate and more depending on ones origin . She sits on her throne naked except for a crown encrusted with diamonds, that rests atop her head. Crystals growing out of the cave walls glow softly, holding back the inky darkness. 1
Creatures with bat-like faces that are hairless and androgynous stand waiting . Their milky white eyes stare out at nothing as they wait to be summoned should their queen want for anything. While others labor about the huge cave.2
“My name is Marlana and I am one of the pure ones. Nosufur-atu. My home is in the Balktan mountains in Bulgaria. I grew up in a large castle called Crveno Hrast, Red oak. I come to you Mother of bloodlust,to tell you of grave news. You are known by many names mother, which would you have me call you by?”3
“You may call me Nerrrea, Rrrecite forrr me my child the trrruth of Nosufurrr-atu.” 4
“ Like the other god and goddess. You were born of the earth, before humans evolved. Here in earth's womb is were you call home because you were forbade to live among the gods in their golden city. Unlike the others you have a unquenchable thirst for blood. Because of this bloodlust the others shunned you and did not want humans to worship you. In defiance to them you appeared in the kingdom of the gods. In the guise of another goddess, you mated with the God of war and then slipped away back to your Home were you bore two children, who grew up and went to the world of man. They in turn bore children, and their children did the same until we were a hundred strong but unable to give birth anymore. By this time the god’s and goddess were influencing man. You made an appearance for a few centurys teaching man to worship you, and feed you blood to sacrifice in your name. Until the god’s got wind of this and made earths womb your home for all time.” 5
“ You have studied well my child.” said Nerea nodding her head.6
Nerea stood and walked over to Marlana. She circled her while taking in Marlana’s appearance. She noted that Marlana had cascading Ice blonde hair that tumbled in waves to her slim waist. Her vivid blue eyes were clear and intelligent. Creamy white skin that would feel soft as velvet if stroked. She had garbed herself in a shirt that clung to her rounded pert breast, black tight breaches and calf high boots.7
Nerea cocked her head and narrowed her eyes as she looked at her daughter.8
“It as been a eterrrnity since one of mine has come to me, is this how my childrrren drrress now?” Nerea shook her head “I have long been away frrrom the worrrld of man. Now what is it you seek frrrom me?”9
“ For eons we have cohabited with humans without them knowing about us. We feed and kill them or they live to serve us like the humans in my village do. But now a small group of your children are breaking the rules, they feed from the humans. But they do not feed enough to kill them. Then they give them Nosafur-atu blood.”10
Nerea hissed her disapproval her eyes changing from amber to black her nails sprout into talons, her fangs increased in size growing almost down to her chin. then in a flash she was herself again. She looked at a bewildered Marlana and smiled showing her fangs that were once again normal in size.11
“My dearrr thearrr arrre some things you do not know about yourrr creatorrr Things that werrre not taught. I can not leave herrre. Forrr when the God of warrr hearrrd that I trrricked him into mating with me,He and the otherrr god’s imprrrisoned me herrre I can not trrravle to the surrrface . The sun will kill me, the night will make me a mindless killing crrreat-urrre. Tell me more.”12
“The humans call them vampires, their bloodlust is uncontrollable they sleep all day and come out at night. The vampires can not go in the sun like we can it burns them to death. They have no heart beat they are cold, dead yet alive. The humans found that they die by a stake in the heart, or if they remove the head from the body.” 13
“What earrrth yearrr is it My child?” Nerea looked quizzical at Marlana.14
“It is eighteen-and one why do you ask?” 15
“In the earrrth yearrr twenty-thousand ten come back to me, until then I would have you gatherrr all that you can of these vampires and teach them how to contrrrol theirrr bloodlust teach them how to rrread the mind of otherrrs how to use theirrr superrr strrranth. I would have some good come of this mistake. We will wage warrr on the god’s when all is rrready well will brrring them to theirrr knees for what they have done to me.”16
Marlana nodded. “what would you have me do to your children who break the rules.”17
Nerea walked to a spot in the cavern where their was a hole in the ground she spoke in a whisper into the hole and stepped back. She then becked to Marlana who joined her. 18
Maralana looked into the hole, Something stirred, it was dark, which was strange Maralana thought how something could be darker then the pitch black that it dwelled in. What came out was a oily blackness that formed into a creature that was blacker then the blackest night. It’s skin hard and scabrous the reptilian faced creature had large, sharp teeth.19
It had long claws for ripping flesh, the creature stood on two legs it as looked at Maralana, with two slit green eyes. A forked tongue appeared from its mouth. Like that of a snakes, it’s tongue flickered towards Maralana. 20
“Yes, my pet, she is one of my childrrren. I would have you complete a task forrr me. You will be my eyes and earrrs, I will tell you what you must do once you rrreach the surrrfaces.”21
The creature hissed then steped back into the darkness and was gone. Nerea sauntered back to her throne which she sat in. Maralana followed her and stood waiting for her instructions.22
“The creaturrre will go to find these Nosafur-atu that think to defy me, they will be brrrought back herrre and I shall deal with them as I see fit. Now go and do as I have commanded. If you succeed in yourrr task when we defeat the gods you will sit at my rrright and rrrule the god’s kingdom with me.”23
Maralana bowed long and deep, then rose and using her Nosafur-atu speed begin to work her way to the surface, to carry out the duty’s that had been bestowed upon her.
Author notes
OK here is what I came up with. I had a hard time with this one. I wanted to do a story that was not a typical vampire story, but I kept getting writers block!! so if you read the whole thing I hope it keeps your interest and kinda makes sense
A contest entry
- Whichcraft March Contest by whichcraft.
140 points, ended March 20, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fantasy captivates by ForestFaery.
130 points, ended April 21, 2008, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Vampires XD by DeathNoteYaoi.
240 points, ended October 13, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
what can I do to make it better?
Comments
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love the pick!
wonderful! enticing! i loved it especially because it's about vampires my favorit ever! great job!
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I am not going to rehash the grammar errors that were picked up by tallblondie, but say that the story was more original than the others I have read on storywrite. The only thing is that because you were trying hard to make it different, the story came across a little wooden and essay type. I love the picture and as you wrote, I could see the simularities and where you drew your inspiration and storyline from so it wasn't far off.
I love vampire stories, which is one reason why I ran this contest. I think you were holding back a little because I think you could have really worked this and made it spectacular. As it is, I liked the character of Marlana. Keep it up and let's see where you go with this. I would be interested to see what other vampire stories you have going. -
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thanks for giving me your input. This was my first vampire story. and I was holding back I kept getting writers block and didn't know how I was going to end it or really at one point where I was going with the story. I love the picture also and it did help to inspire me.I do have one other vampire story that I am working on. Thanks for hosting this great contest I keep all that you have said in mind.
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awsome
I absolutly (spelled that wrong, lol) loved this, I like how the plot takes place in the past insted of the future, just like every other Vamp story I've read. Will you continue this??
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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you know I never thought about it. If I do continue with the story it won't be for awhile I am still working on my other vampire story. Thanks for reading and commenting
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Great!
I love vamp stories! I could see everything happening in my head, just like I was there. I like this new way of vamp-history
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Hi thank you for reading my story. I'm glad you liked it I did have fun comeing up with it. But I kept getting writers block.
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Some grammer errors you could fix per paragraph;
1. 'sit's' should just be 'sits' apostrophe 's' can denote two things; one an abbreviation of a word followed by 'is' or ownership, in your case it is neither
2. 'bat like' should have a hypen 'bat-like' forming a compound word.
"at nothing they wait to be summand " should probably be "at nothing as they waited to be summoned"
3. "I come to you(,) Mother of bloodlust(,) to tell you of grave news. You are know(n) by many names mother" add what is in the()
5. "Here in earths womb is were you call home because you are forbade to live among the god’s in their golden city." 'earths' should be 'earth's' as it denotes ownership of the womb. Use 'were forbade' or 'forbidden'. Also watch the confusion between 'where' and 'were' "home were you bore" should be 'where' Again 'god's' and 'century's' should be 'gods' and 'centuries' as they are plurals
12. "mating with me. He and the..." replace the full stop with a comma - gives it more flow.
13. 'human's' and 'burn's' do not need apostraphes
17. Add () "Marlana nodded(.) “(W)hat would you have me do to your children who break the rules(?)”
19, 20. Reword this "It’s skin hard and scabrous the face of the creature looked reptilian it had large sharp teeth" to something like 'It’s skin hard and scabrous, the reptilian-faced creature had large, sharp teeth and long claws built for ripping flesh' Start 20 with "The creature stood on two legs (as) it looked at Maralana(,) with (two) (slit green) eyes.
21. "“Yes(,) my pet(,) she is one of my childrrren..."
22. 'followed'
As for the story itself, it was quite a fresh take on Vampire stories. The plot was established nicely, and the character of the Queen original.
Keep writing!
beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 5.
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thank you, for the grammer help I will go back and fix it. It really helps me when someone can help me out grammer wise. Again thank you for reading my story and helping me out.
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wow! Hecate and lilth ey? Hecate the moon goddess of mystery in Greek Mythology and lilth adams first wife who rejected him and was cast out of eden's garden!! brilliant very descriptive and with themes of all my favourite interests!! I really enjoyed this and it was very descriptive anjust brilliant!!
Well done and good luck in the contest.
For a person who got writers block you did this justice (like Athena! lol) -
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thank you for reading my story I'm glad you liked it. I too like Mythology and really need to read up on it more.
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This was really interesting and quite unlike any other vampire thing I have read before. I liked how you used the rrrrr's very cool touch and excellent job on this!
~Joann
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thanks joann, I am glad that it's different from most vampire story's you have read. It was fun to come up with but that dang writers block kept comeing around.
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