Sarah gave me nothing but a headache and a scratch.
Rita offered kindness, often spilling from her crotch.
Dana sold me secrets on our dark and dismal march.
Eva stole me trinkets from the treasures of a witch.
Wendy hid her baby in the knothole of a birch.
Wanda writhed and twisted - she's an elemental bitch.
Ginny locked the windows, shut the door, and flipped the latch.
She killed me on a Sunday and my children had to watch.1
She cut my throat with wires and she stripped away the skin.
She sucked away the blood; the plasma dripping from her chin.
She ate out my intestines and she braided them in strips.
She danced bharatanatyam with them wrapped around her hips.
She tore off all my fingers and she ate the muscle raw.
She plucked my eyes with tweezers and engulfed them in her maw.
She stroked my severed nerves like a musician would a string.
She turned me into something that I may have once have been.2
Now my daughter's sold to brothels, my son become a slave,
my body left to rot without the comfort of a grave,
my house reduced to cinders and my legacy to dust,
and thoughts of me are kindled only with a faint disgust:
These are Ginny's gifts to me, her special lover's fee,
an echo of a warning that my mother gave to me.
She'd told me not to trample on a willing woman's love,
but that I did, and more besides, while I had breath to give.3
I float here without body, with the memories of names
of the women I have been with who had never done me harm,
but of all the one's I've slept with only then to leave alone
only Ginny deigned to follow me back to my hidden home
and explain to me the subtleties of love with sharpened knife
'Twas verily, I think to say, the lesson of my life.
For love is often dang'rous for a person such as I.
Now even demons dread the death a cheating man must die.
Author notes
This is a rhyming poem, in the manner of an 'epic poem.'
I think the first two stanzas turned out great. Say what you want about them, I think they're awesome. For everything else, criticism is welcome.
Oh, and bharatanatyam is a special dance performed in India. If you ever have the chance to see the bharatanatyam performed in concert, do so. It's really, really pretty and the costumes are amazing.
- love, Delfishie, the would-be epic poet.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Poets Challenge - Grand Finale by Asfand.
800 points, ended March 7, 2008, 1 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Oscars 2009 - Best Poem by The Oscars Team.
700 points, ended July 22, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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This story/poem is hereby officially accepted as a nomination for the SW Oscars. Congratulations on your nomination! You will be notified [via IM] to submit this story in its specific category when the contest opens. Congratulations, once again! Keep up the excellent work!
Admin
SW Oscars -
Gruesome, unsettling, chilling, and simply amazing. Yet another excellent poem by you =) Your meter, rhyme, etc. was all top-notch and perfectly in keeping with this style of poem, but the poem was not at all hindered by the restrictions of its form. This made me shiver and cringe at times, but I was hooked from the very first few lines. Amazing work.
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amazing. absolutely beautiful. Very captivating and well written. Oh how I wish this happens to an ex of mine. Not his family, just him.
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Wow...
You scare me! LOL!
This poem has really good rhythm & flow for the most part...pretty much all the way through. You have many excellent lines in here, and quite the visuals. I almost stopped reading when it got so grotesque though.(so not my thing!) heh... but I was compelled to finish it, and I really loved the last 2 paragraphs/stanzas the best of all. They are pretty cool sounding. The whole thing is actually, (even tho I don't much care for the nightmarish visuals of the second stanza). lol. That scene was pretty horrendous! I'd HATE to he the victim that's for sure...damn!
But I do like the wickedness Ginny possesses, in a way. If this was the usual karma for a cheating man, I'm sure they'd all be quite loyal & stick to their 'fantasies'! lmao.
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I thought it was really good. Great job.
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Of the four "parts" (Yup, I suck at poetry-language =p) in this story, I definitely liked the last three best, because I found that the first one didn't have the same great flow to it, even though it was good =)
But what I'm really trying to say, is that this is a great poem, with a good story, and you've made it into an epic poem-style-thing, which I love, and think is a great achievement, because it's very hard =)
So yeah, I really liked this! Good job, well done =)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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I'm stifling laughter and grinning rather evilly. I love this. The rhythm is a bit off in places, but the imagery is fantastic. For some reason I find this poem hilarious, despite (and perhaps because of) its gruesomeness. Awesome.
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Liked it
To bad some of our American politicians haven't read your poem. There would be more happy wives in the capital.
Good format and style. quite the interesting theme.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow, that was definitely very good. I think the second stanza is my favourite, lol.
Amazing job on this.
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This was an incredible poem... Solely devoted to disgust someone and make them squirm, but nonetheless, it is brilliantly written. So wicked.. Yet so hard to stop reading.. You did a great job with the rhythm and the rhyming.. I especially enjoyed, well, not ENJOYED by loved the description of the dance and the intestines.. Oh so terrible...
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Dark and compeling - Your rhyme seemed to flow smoothly and left the reader interested in continuing - Thanks
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Wow this is great. Really powerful imagery you used and it flows really well. Keep it up
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it was a very goog poem except that it was creepy and dark
good job
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This is one poem that makes me proud to be running the show. I think you executed the ideas flawlessly, one of your best works I've encountered Del.
Sometimes, with some words the rhyming was put off. I loved the second stanza, thought it resonated a different and unqiue style.
Over all, loved it!
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Wow. Just wow.
This piece is absolutely incredible. The way you structured this piece and its manner of flow is all amazing. I personally am a big Horror and Macabre genre fanatic myself, so I was very intrigued and pleased with all the grotesque details that others may find unpleasant. It was also very interesting to finally find somebody who didn't skimp out on the bloody and gory imagery of the piece. Just the fact that you had Ginny dancing around with organs and stroking nerve endings was marvelous and tastefully done. Therein lies the problem with most people who try to input gory scenes into their pieces; it just ends up as a tasteless mess. You, on the other hand, have managed to find a way to make gore less pornographic and more... refined, perhaps?
Anyways, it was most interesting to read about a person suffering such a horrific fate, and they have him tell about all the skewed deeds that went wrong with his children and those closest to him. Ginny played a very nice maniacal character, and everything else was well planned out. Keep up the great work! =)beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Excellent!
There were a couple of lines I stumbled on in rhythm the first time through, but they worked fine when I read through them again. This was a very entertaining story/poem. The second stanza almost was gorier than I like, but I survived it. It may not be a perfect poem, but I saw nothing to correct.
I'll add it to my favorites by other authors.
Andy
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I LOVE it!
This is a brilliant poem, that only rhymes, but it also has a slight edge of humopur about it.............or is that just me?....anyway, I really liked this, and I hope you win the contest lol!
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well done
This poem is pretty good.
language: 5, dialog: 4.
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very well done a fantastic peom this is really well worded. I really love the flow of this poem. Great job best of luck.
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I loved it!! Makes me think of wonderful ways to hurt a man (I'm in a mood). I loved the details and I thought the flow was good. At first I thought it was going to be a poem with every line ending in 'ch', but then it turned.
Good luck in the contest.
Brooke
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I thought it was good. the rhyme seemed a bit awkward in places, but I could just be reading it funny. Very entertaining. Well, kinda anyway.
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Truthfully i hated it haha, jk.
It's what every woman thinks of when she finds out the truth about her man. The wish of a thousand deaths and the children he gave her, she never looks at them the same. I was often told when a woman has children sometimes the man never sees her the same, and im not sure thats what you meant about her giving them away but it fit so perfectly to how it really goes. She blames the children for him not looking at her the same.
Truthfully this is the poem for the woman who needs that thought of vengence without doing so herself. Probably one of the best gory poems i have ever read. I didnt see the gore more than i saw the womans torchered soul and the mans pain. His pain didnt seem to come from hurting her or disobeying his mothers warning, it seemed more to come from a selfishness.
In all honesty i love this more than i have any other poem i have ever read at the time being.
I see myself reading it over and over from time to time.
Greatness you have become.
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The rhymes skip here and there, but you keep the rhytm beautifully. Bit too much graphic detail for my taste, but then again I might just not be target audience.
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i loved this poem i didnt even realize it as a poem until i read your notes, i liked the title it caught my eye, i hope i see more of this
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That was kind of beauitful and gory..such a trance like state of poetry..one that drags you in, and keeps you cast under its spell
very good..I loved it
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