I stared at the monster with such loathing, it was amazing. The mirror, the tool of my destruction, brought the monster to my notice. I hated myself, hated what I had become: a monster. I loathed my reflection, loathed the way I looked. I turned away.1
Had it been so long ago when he died? When I had run into another man's arms? Had I really been so stupid to look for another man to fill the void that had become my heart? I turned away from the awful reflection, and walked into my room.2
The room, the only object that gave me comfort in these dark, and terrible times, but my room had become the very bowels of hell with his presence. I shut the door quietly, contemplating, hoping not to anger him. Too often, it seemed, I angered him. What a horrible person I am, to anger a man who had ultimately saved my life.3
4
My life, oh how my life had changed since Jacob's death, oh how I hated the thread of misery that is my life. After Jacob's death, I was intent on killing myself, to take away the life that had taken Jacob's, but when the blade was about to fall across my wrist, when I was certain death was near, HE had come, James.5
6
Oh what a hellish nightmare my life had become with him. From a kind, loving heart, his became cold, lifeless. He had indeed found a tool to take out all pain, me.7
8
At first, it had been a slap in the face, and I had not really cared. My Stepfather had done not only that, but more, much more. So with my heart in my throat, I had taken it, his punishment, in silence.9
The slap in the face became body blows, and vicious attacks. I left my audacity behind, I continued with my punishments with silence. Nothing in life was absolute, and I continued on, thinking that I would recover, that somehow, God had willed me to be in such excruciating pain. So I continued for so long with the pain, becoming a shell, emotionally numb.10
11
Now, though, I was ready to die. I felt so insignificant, so small. I wanted only for the pain to cease, for my life to end. Could I though, go through with suicide? I continued to linger to every mistake I had ever made in life, and took them with me, ultimately, to my grave.12
13
I could not continue with my plans, for I could not leave all the people in my life, I stayed, locked in my nightmare, praying for the end. I could only cry myself to a tortuous sleep, filled with nightmares, and atrocious graphic sequences. I became an insomniac, never able to sleep.14
15
The end, though finally did come. It came quickly, breaking my heart, shattering my resolve. James left me for another woman, Stephane, and had a child with her. The surprise left me speechless. I had dealt with his twisted affection, and he had left me. The world, I realized, was a cruel place.16
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