Vickie and most of the kids in her class were sixteen. Her long blonde hair fell straight, parted in the middle and came almost to the small of her back. She was talking with her friend Marika at the back of the class. Both girls were quite intelligent, but neither of them applied themselves well. Marika had light brown hair, dark eyes and light brown skin. Born in America to Saudi Arabian parents, she was a child of two worlds. 1
The teacher had left the class and Vickie's blue eyes sparkled as she spoke to Marika, "What do you want to do after school?" It was their last period.2
"Want to go to the old warehouse?" Marika asked. The old warehouse was an abandoned building of three stories.3
"Sure," agreed Vickie. "I've got some cigarettes!" Sometimes Vickie would sneak a pack of cigarettes from her mother's supply when she bought a new carton. Vickie would share them with her friends at school.4
"That's great!"5
The teacher returned to class and the girls focused on him. When the bell rang, they were out of their seats quickly and walking down the hall to their lockers. They deposited their books and got their backpacks and homework. Another blonde passed by and said, "Hi Vickie." She and Vickie were about the same height, but Nancy's hair was shorter. 6
"We're going to the old warehouse, want to join us? I've got some smokes."7
"Love to," answered Nancy. "Jason asked me to go out with him this weekend to see a movie."8
"Jason Whitley?" asked Vickie. Marika had caught up with them.9
"Yes, Jason Whitley."10
"Wow!" said Marika. Jason Whitley was the starting quarterback on the football team and very popular. 11
"That's fantastic!" agreed Vickie.12
They exited the high school through the side door. Going to the parking lot, they decide to ride in Marika's Mustang because it was newer and a convertible. The weather was mild and the temperature was in the lower eighties. It felt good with the wind in their hair and blowing against their skin. Even though it was a concrete jungle, the air seemed fresh. Marika drove with one hand on the wheel, but stayed under the limit. Although her parents were wealthy, they were conservative and many ways. Marika lived with Arab and American customs. Her faith was Islam. Vickie was protestant and Nancy was Catholic.13
Marika parked in a space at the warehouse, the girls got out, Vickie passed out cigarettes, and they lit up off each other. They had not as yet developed a great dependency on the cancer sticks, because they didn't have access to them all the time. They would go days between smokes.14
Walking inside the building, they went to some old stairs and took them to the third floor. There wasn't anything special about the old building. A few tables and chairs were scattered about with layers of dust covering them and the floor. It wasn't the furnishings that attracted the girls, it was being in a place to themselves, a place where they could cut up, act out, smoke, drink maybe, and such.15
"Did you hear that?" asked Nancy.16
"Hear what?" replied Vickie. "I didn't hear anything."17
"Me neither," said Marika.18
"Do you smell that?"19
"Yeah, something stinks," said Marika.20
"It smells awful," said Vickie, lighting up another smoke. "Want one?" Marika accepted.21
"I think there's something here with us," said Nancy distracted.22
"What could be with us?" asked Vickie.23
"I don't know, but that smell is like something dead. I think maybe we should go."24
All of the girls were becoming nervous. "Okay, let's go," said Marika.25
"All right," agreed Vickie. She and Marika stomped out their cigarettes on the floor.26
As they headed toward the stairs the odor became stronger. A large thing began to appear in front of them. From a dimension, not of this world, was the evilest of Satan's demons. Sutekh was perhaps the worst. Most of the demons of Satan's hell could not pass through to our world. Sutekh could pass through any dimension at will at any time he wished. 27
Sutekh could materialize in any size that he chose. His skin was slimy brown and he smelled of rotting flesh. He had fangs, horns, and blood red eyes. He was presently about three times the size of the frightened girls. Menacingly he advanced toward the girls. The girls were frightened to the very fiber of their souls. The creature regarded the girls with hunger in its eyes and saliva dripping from its mouth. The girls continued to back away.28
"Please don't hurt us!" pleaded Marika as they girls were running out of room between the beast and the wall behind them. There was no place for them to go.29
In a deep grumbling voice, he replied laughing, "Hurt? I'll not only hurt you, but I'm going to devour you; spirit, soul, and body." Placing the girls in a trance so they could neither move or scream, Sutekh grabbed Nancy and ripped her clothing from her. Thriving on fear as well as the pain of his victims, his trance did nothing to alleviate their suffering. Instead it intesified it.30
Unable to scream, Nancy stood frozen in fear and in Sutekh's trance. Tears streamed down her face and her nose ran. Sutekh threw her to the concrete floor and began eating her right leg. The other girls watched in horror, paralyzed by the trance. Next, gnawing at her tender belly, he continued eating her. As much as it displeased him, she passed out. Shortly after, she died. Then her spirit entered his body, joined his spirit and soul, and she could taste her own flesh and see her shredded body through his eyes. She felt and experienced everything he did, except that to her it was terrifying and horrific. She was trapped inside his body, she knew, for eternity. There was no companionship from the other trapped spirits inside Sutekh, only loneliness like a dark abyss. This had to be hell, she reasoned; but hell was yet to come.31
Vickie and Malika watched helplessly as Sutekh ate Nancy. Crying as they watched, their fear and apprehension increased. The monster choose Vickie nest leaving Nancy's bloody carcass to rot where it lay. Vickie's pain was excruciating as she was consumed. Soon, she too, was lost in the timeless, dark void of the demon's inner being. She could feel the suffering of the others inside, but there was no comfort.32
Malika was devoured last.33
Once every seven years, Sutekh would take a human female and rape her. His offspring would immediately begin to grow inside her and eat its way through her body. Within a matter of 2 or 3 hours it would eat its way out of her belly and then procede to devour the rest of her. Sutekh would eat whenever it suited him, but no more than once a day. 34
Sutekh was indestructable. He could materialize out of thin air and vanish in the same fashion, returning to the dimension of the demons of Satan in Hades. When he did so, the spirits of his victims were forced to experience everything he experienced for an eternity. He sought the pure of heart for his victims, innocense was what he thrived on.35
In a list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate Horror Story by ice wolf.
600 points, ended March 8, 2008, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Well... as many before have said, I didn't really get enough of the girls character. I mean Malika... or is it Marika... i was sorta confuzzled there.. anywho... she was the closest to having some sort of character and background. The other two girls, however, felt like they were two bodies that were just there. Does that make sense? Cause it did to me but it may not.
Also if you could make some foreshadowing on Sutekh. He just kind of came out of nowhere, as did the smell of him. Good description on his physical being but maybe a little piece of his background as well might help a bit.
A good edit would make this an incredible story
Thanks for entering and good luck.
ZAK
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Hello Zak!
Yeah, this story is not really among my best, but most of my better stories have multicolored trophies
. I may sometime get back to this one to do a rewrite. It would be nice if I could.
Thanks for the honest criticism.
Andy
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This was awesome! I loved it! I love how Vickie and Malika were forced to watch Nancy die. It's just so horrifying!
I also love the originality surrounding Sutekh. I don't think I've ever heard of a demon that could do that. Well, this was an EXCELLENT write! Thanks so much for entering.
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Hi C. Quill!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.
I'm so pleased you like Sutekh. I enjoyed creating it.
Andy
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This was good. The demon and his story is certainly original and well-imagined. No red scaly skin or horns for him, I guess.
However, the story jumped from juvenile delinquents to killer demons a little too quickly. Many good horror stories start with little signs that catch the reader's attention, like the smell, but then grow bigger. If you were to add more signs, like dark clouds appearing or whatnot throughout the story, I feel it would do a lot of good.
Still fun to read. Good job.
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Hi Arcos!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
You make some very good points. I hadn't really thought much about building up the suspense or maybe trying to raise the level of fear, though that's hard to do in print. I was just going straight for the horror value. If and when I rewrite it, I'll try to remember to apply your suggestions.
Have you co-written?
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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I think this is a good idea and the graphic nature of the death is fairly rotten I'll admit... But:
Marika/Malika... pick a name and stick with it would be first.
The girsl don't seem to have much character. Mar[l]ika does, with the 'two worlds' thing which is a nice touch, but even that isn't explored deeply enough. Th other girls are faceless to me - just explaining that thes girls are of different faiths does not interest me in their friendships.
As for Sutekh, I was not at any moment afraid of him and I wanted to be. Why does he cross boundaries to find innocence? [btw that's a typo - 'c' not 's'] He might thrive on it but I still didn't get him. Being a demon isn't enough - I want him to have a character.
Also, you didn't build up any suspense before he came in and ravaged these girls. If you'd told some stories about Sutekh from one of the girls' cultures beforehand, or made up some storis about the old warehouse for the girls to tell each other it might be better. Plus there's no transition from girls-smoking-in-old-building to scary-demon-smell.
I think if you redraft this and add some more dtail this could be incredibly good. -
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I get the feeling you didn't like this story much.
I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy -
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Haha
Actually I like the story a lot - I agree with one of the comments you put earlier that it feels like a first draft, but that does not by any means make it a bad story.
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Sorry to sound a sour note, but couldn't the demon at least appear to have a motive for evil? I'm afraid this isn't my usual genre, so, as I say, this might seem a little sour.
Might i make a suggestion? If you lay the actions of the girls in strophe and anti-strophe with the demon's actions, ie where was the demon as the girls were talking at school, how was he planning his conquest, when did he realise he'd hit the jackpot with all three, how could he entrance them, it would build the tension. Use the contrast of innocence and lurking menace to psyche your audience up. Build the picture in a more layered way not as a chronological piece of reportage. Extend the vocabulary too, make your readers feel that not only are you in charge of your subject, you are in charge of the climax. Juxtapose your explanations of who each character is in contrasting shades of horror and innocence, give your characters moral positions.
Sorry if this sounds pedagogish, but the important thing, the really positive thing here is that you tried to imagine the unimaginable and explain the unexplainable, quite an aspiration! With a bit of cut and paste, this could be a real spine chiller -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I read this over and it reads like a rough draft. Not only is it rather a thin sketch, but there are quite a few typos. It needs an overhaul.
Andy
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You described everything graphically. I would have liked a touch less telling and little more feeling. The four main characters you have are not quite built up enough to be 'stand alone' or memorable. I think this could be something quite, quite special. Definitely worth spending a little more time on. I know that you probably had parameters to follow, but a little work now may really pay off for you. A brilliant concept. Good luck in the contest.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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Thanks Lis
Less telling, more description and feeling; I am not very good at rewriting. The main object was to try to write a horror story that would please the contest host. Thanks, Lis, for reading, commenting and all the applause.
Andy
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Oh my gosh this completley held my undivided attention the whole way through. This was scary to just picture it in my mind. Excellent write Andy. I loved this one. And the description of how when he raped a human his babies would eat their way from her stomach. Now that's a horror story. Good luck in that contest! Hope you win cause this rocks.
~Joann
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Thanks Joann
I'm glad you like this story. I tried to make the tale as horrible as I could. I wrote it because the contest host didn't think my earlier entry had enough horror. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it
Andy
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Nice. this fits the contest. Really good! this is really interesting. the thought of that actually happening sends a major adrenaline rush.
Good job and good luck
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I'm glad.
I wrote this one for your contest specifically after reading some of the entries you had and comments you had made. Adrenaline rush, does that mean that it scared you?
Thanks for all the applause.
Andy -
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This time, yes you did. Thanks for writing this. It really did well in this contest.
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very intresting read. I felt very intence reading it. You never sease to amaze me with your skill and brilliance.
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Hopefully,
The host will like it. I am having a difficult time writing a horror story that satisfies her. I consider a lot of my stuff to be horror, but she doesn't agree with my definition. There is a good entry which may have me beat.
Thanks as always for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
Andy
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