Mars Magic

UNDER REVISION

A contest entry

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1 - 5 of 5

  • Violette silver member
    June 3

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    Lol nice story haha perhaps you could msg me when you write something, it must be good to win all these trophies


  • MoonRoseWolf
    March 9, 2008

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    For Tallblondie's Contest; lol

    Okay, first things first. Your storyline is brilliant, there is no reason why this shouldn't be winning lots of trophies with a few tweaks here and there, so I'll get them out the way first

    First of, there are a few grammer and spelling mistakes, I'll try and find them all, but I will do a re-read later to help you check.

    1.'Anyways, at first it was really cool and stuff'

    should be 'Anyway, at first it was really cool and stuff'

    2. 'Jupiterians?Finally '

    there should be a space-'Jupiterians? Finally '

    3. 'Oh well, I thought tiredly. It’ll '

    I'll just put this once, but it occurs throught the story. When your main character is thinking, maybe put it italics, or with ' marks before and after she has thought something. This helps the reader to define when these points are.

    4. 'That’s gratitude for ya'

    Don't put slang if you are writing the story from your narrator's perspective. You can when she's thinking, or if a character is saying something. It should be 'That’s gratitude for you.' I know it sounds pointless but its just proper grammer.

    5. 'fences shock ‘em'

    Again, same thing as above, just make it 'fences shock them.'

    6. ' them to Typhani.”
    “Use your talents, too. '

    There is no need to make a new line for this, as the same person is still speaking.
    ' them to Typhani. Use your talents, too."'

    7. 'Pippis’s side '

    When there is a name or object ending in s like this, you don't need to type the s again, just write it 'Pippis’ side '

    8. 'Nearly crawly back to my room'

    Maybe 'Nearly crawled back to my room'?

    9. ' replace with a cot'

    should be ' replaced with a cot'

    10. 'pile of would like a sack of potatoes'

    Perhaps meant to be 'pile of wood like a sack of potatoes'?

    11. ' on in aw.'

    Should be ' on in awe.'

    12. 'meager supply '

    Should be 'meagre supply'

    13. ' to see huge room '

    Should be ' to see a huge room '

    14. 'I groped at handle'

    Should be 'I groped at the handle'

    15. 'perilously of a spacecraft'

    Should be 'perilously off a spacecraft'

    These are all I can see at the minute, and if these are all the mistakes, you've done very well


    Okay, a few more pointers. Your paragraphs are very close together, which I also used to do, as it does give the impression of it being written as in a book. However, on a monitor screen it is extremely hard to follow, just try putting a space between each paragraph to make it easier to read.

    Secondly, the middle of your story does seem to jump a bit. Try making it more fluid by explaining further who Fettuccine is, as it does jump rather rapidly into his part.

    Also, you slow down just before the ending, but then the dramatic part of your ending rushes again. Don't worry, I'm the same, because when you are thinking of what to write it happens in your head much quicker than it does on paper. Just try slowing it down by adding some more details. People's expressions, things that are said, smells, feelings, emotions, that sort of thing.

    I hope you don't think I'm being too over-zealous, but I really hope you win the trophy! I see no reason why you shouldn't be winning loads of trophies with this soon because this is an inspired idea, and you can tell you are a talented writer, well done!


  • tallblondie gold member
    March 9, 2008
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    Thanks for your entry and good luck!


  • lovableReese
    March 7, 2008
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    This was very interesting. Definatly an original idea. I liked the plot of this story. Great job!

1 - 5 of 5