A solemn black umbrella floated about the air, making sharp turns and deep bows, high above the dark city streets, possessed by the icy winter wind. A shriveled old woman hobbled beneath it, struggling to keep with its zigzagging as if it were teasing her. She hoped to catch it if it plundered. Her aged hand rose toward the charcoal sky, grabbing for the umbrella, though catching nothing but cold rain. Her hand flew open and clamped shut, soon making a gentle pit-pat noise as the rain dampened her palm.1
She did not notice the strangers leaping from her path as she ran into the street, nor did she notice the loud clapping of the horses’ hooves and the grumbling of the large wooden wheels on the dark stone road as the carriage strolled towards her.2
People gathered at the sidewalks, watching as the woman and horse drew nearer as old friends would to share a warm embrace.3
A swift and painful force pulled her down and under the horses’ hooves and rolled her beneath their weight. Her body mourned with waves of woe, her limbs contorted in ways that should not be so.4
People rushed from the sidewalks to crowd the woman, lying directly between the horse and carriage.5
“Miss! Miss!” called the excited carriage driver, leaping from his seat above her. “Don’t move. We’ll be having a doctor to ya shortly. Then you’ll be right as rain.”6
The woman could not hear him speak. She lifted her last able arm and pointed toward the only bit of sky she could see. “Me … me Bess,” she whispered through her shortened breaths. “I need me Bess.”7
And as if something were to keep her lungs from expanding, one last heartbeat pounded within her chest, an angry gust of wind blew her away, and a cavalry of death poured over her like the waves of the sea.8
And as she left, her hand slowly fell, and with it, the dark umbrella ceased its taunting flutter and dove down to the earth as if to end with her soul.9
And in that moment, they were no more. 10
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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interesting! the images are WONDERFUL! although there are a few areas where the imagery clashed (cavalry of death, exciting, and teased), all in all, it was written very very well!!! LOVE the various types of imagery... you didnt just rely on sight or on noise... you incorporated several of the senses. and the whole idea of the story is wonderful
though i would LOVE to know the story behind "bess" 
good luck! -
I always like dyour stories and this isn't an exception
Images are very vivid and the characters come very good alive through your words. I liked it all!
Kisses,
Mari
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recommend it
Your use of metaphors and vivid imagery made this very entertaining. Of course offering your writing to writers is like a chef serving another chef dinner; things get scrutinized. I felt the following line awkward: "She hoped to catch it if it plundered." Not sure plundered is your best choice there. And the sound of a horse's gait upon a hardened street can be described creatively in a myriad of ways, but "clapping?" I really liked the descriptive, "..grumbling of the large wooden wheels.." An altogether fine short short story, my friend. -
very nice imagry! i love poems where i can picture everything going on! great job!
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Wow, this was wonderfully done, and I was quite touched.... Wonderful description, I could see everything in my mind's eye. Great job!
~Gothic -
I too agree about honest thoughts. How are we to grow if we do not hear how our words and writes directly effect the reader? It is what I expected when I joined AP, but have since come to see as all too rare.
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Thank you so much for your comment. See, this is my first write in months and I randomly wrote it at 2am. I myself am not quite sure what this prose-poem means. It started out being a children's fairytale but it seemed to hit a crossroad and turned a different way. Long comments are more than appreciated, I'm glad it evoked such thoughts. God now I want you to comment on all my stuff. You should get payed for this. Ha well thank you again. Keep up the honest thoughts, they're hidden much too often around here. -Z-
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I was entranced by the opening description of the movements of the umbrella and impressed with the character description of the woman. Your lines felt lush and fluid.
I did though, at times feel some images and words collided. For example, a cavalry of death poured over her like the waves of the sea. In this instance, I wasn't sure whether I was seeing the riders of death or a flood of rain. My limited brain could not quite manage to see those two things as similar enough to form one cohesive image. (though I can see how they echoed the horse and the rain).
One other picky point - 'the dark umbrella ceased its taunting flutter' is gorgeous! So gorgeous in fact, I felt let down by the sense of the rest of the sentence. Something about the ending of her soul bothered me. Her life ended but did her soul? Just a question that it left in me that didn't quite allow me to bring it all to the smooth conclusion of your last line.
Now, I'm hoping you are a writer who takes a lengthy comment as a good thing and the reflections of a reader as a positive sign that your words were intriquing enough to entertain such lengthy thoughts. I do indeed mean this to be most complimentary and am only adding these personal perspectives to help you see how this appeared to ME. You're most welcome to ignore them or reflect on them as you see fit.
Definitely I enjoyed this time with your words and look forward to reading others.
Jane
Edited on Dec 05, 7:02 because ''.
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