A raindrop slides down the rose
Much like a drop of blood.
Making its way slowing to the edge.
Lingering.
Waiting.1
Silent screams fill the empty room.
Warm denial rolling down the stained.
Pain disappears into numbness.
Hurting.
Killing.2
Fallen is the grace of angels.
Divided into roads of nowhere.
Feelings are now gone.
Sickening.
Dying.3
The raindrop falls off the crimson.
It hits the ground with its last breath.
Crying as it seeps to nothingness.
Calling.
Going.4
The beats are no longer in effect.
Final hopes of revival now dead.
Murdering the owner of its life.
Dropping.
Fading.5
Much like suicide.
A contest entry
- Poetry and short stories by UnEdibleChick.
315 points, ended April 8, 2008, 29 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best Of The Best 2008 ♥ by Missi.
420 points, ended July 8, 2008, 45 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Killers Revive the Love in Dying.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I guess the quality of the poem is very good, like the flow and the technical build up, but in all honesty it sounds a bit cliché to me. "silent screams", pain disappearing into numbness... It feels like I've heard it all before.
To be honest I never really read poetry nor do I like it all too much, though, so perhaps it's just me. -
No wonder it won a silver trophy! wonderful!
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This is beautiful. It has such meaning, such emotion. I loved it and it was just powerful. I liked it so much. I really like the pattern and it flowed so nicely. Beautifully written, a lovely piece.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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oooh.
This IS a good piece.
It was sad, but had such meaning.
Loved it.
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This is a fine piece for a poem, I could feel the deepness in the poem.
I could see that from this piece that you are an amazing poet.
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest
Thanks for entry the contest -
WOW! Okay. That was a really nice piece of poetry. You really have talent for this kind of thing. I am really glad I clicked on this link to read this poem, since, there are not many people with your kind of talent. I am surprised you are not in All Poetry. I love the imagery that you incorporate into your story, and how much talent you got. The pain and sorrow seems so vivid, and that is what makes a great writer. I also want to say that your poem sounds like a song, that is just amazing. Thank you for the great read. I hope you continue to write poetry, and I wish you good luck on story write.
MagicMonster00M: You have lots of talent.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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It's a fine break from stories to read some poetry now and again, so I'm glad I clicked on this link. This piece has a lot of emotion, and almost read as if it were lyrics that could be put to music (the last two lines of each strophe as echoes or lines for the support singers).
As a piece of poetry, it's so clear that the writer visualized the emotions and situation so clearly. The intial image of rain on a rose has so many levels to it. A rose is the cliche/traditional symbol for love, rain is sadness, grayness, renewal.
Another thing that I appreciated in the poem was that it did not take for granted that linebreaks are pauses (They're not!) and used punctuation. A few times, the punctuation created fragments, which sometimes gave me pause (L3,7,12,18 etc) but if they were deliberate, then my critique isn't really relevant. After all, in poetry, anything goes as long as there is a real reason why a rule is broken and as long as the writer realizes what effect the rule-breaking will have on the reader.
I'm thinking that the reason for the periods at the end of nearly each line is to add a sort of clipped, end-stopped feel to each line. It was done to create tension, perhaps?
A few places I felt that the piece could be stronger if a few words were cut. In the first stanza, is "much" necessary? I think it would be more focused without it.
My final little critique would be about the use of "to be" in the piece: "Was", "were", "are", "is"
those words tend to create passive seeming descriptions. "This is so and so. That is so and so". In poetry, I've found that a lot of the time, an active sentence (if something is doing the action) packs a greater punch.
Example: "Fallen is the grace of angels."
Possible alternative: "The grace of angels falls."
Still, I realize this is also a stylistic change, so it may not really be applicable to your poem. It's simply a thought I'd like to throw out there.
Overall, kudos for the read! I noticed the transition from "waiting" at the beginning to "fading" at the final ending. The slight rhyme also supported the poem. It was a good read. I hope some of my thoughts are not entirely un-useful.
Kind regards,
Solidarity
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The last line was the best ,it gave a punch to the story.
This poem was well organised and flowed greatly. -
That was a beautiful piece. You have talent for poetry! ^w^ It was saddening, and emotionally moving. Keep writing!!! =)
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Good but scary lol well written
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this is beautiful. you have captured suicide in a poem. keep up the great writings.
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Beautifully amazing!
This was so beautiful. It was amazing . I love the imagery it created such heartbreaking images but they are so poignant and sadly beautiful at the same time. You write pain and sorrow very vividly, you make it seem so real. Writing is a gift to be able to connect to the reader and you have it.
Great piece! I really like it and hope to read more.
WritingFree -
This is amazing! I would definately place this in the finalists list! It was expressed so good, and it was beautiful! Bravo! Great job! Thank you so much for entering. Keep up the brilliant work.
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I love where it says "Fallen is the grace of angels". That's an amazing line..I love the way it makes you picture everything. Beautiful
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