I awoke with a start. Shaking, I wondered if this was a pro-dream, like I'd had before.1
I remembered one time I had dreamt that Ry had broken his arm, and the next day he did. The other orphans thought it was weird, and that I was queer, so I had learned to practice my talents alone, like talking to birds. I'd had to learn to accept my abilities, because if I didn't, I'd go crazy, Ry said. He had odd talents, too. He'd called it magic.2
Magic. I repeated the word to myself. Magic.3
Then I fell back asleep.4
I was running through a forest, my unruly hair streaming out behind my. I saw a skittish rabbit bound away from me, its ears flat against its head. The forest seemed to pass by in a slow blur, the green, brown, and white colors melding together to form an actually rather beautiful forest color. Soon I came to a clearing, with a decomposing brown stump in the middle.5
Caw! A falcon cawed and flew down to the stump.6
“Shaheena,” It said. "My name is Shaheena.”7
Then I awoke. Again.8
This time a faint light peered through the gray shades. Flipping over and rolling off my small gray bed, I poked Ry, who said that police were chasing him and he needed five more minutes to get them off his trail. I shoved him off his bed.9
“Ow!”10
I took my gray clothes out of my gray cabinet, drew my gray shades, and made my gray bed. Gray, gray, gray! I mean, talk about color blind!11
“Drake?” mumbled Ry.12
“Yeah?”13
“Please help me up.”14
I took Ry's hand and hauled him up, and he stood and began stumbling around the room. Definitely not a morning person.15
Sighing, I walked down to the gray breakfast room were we would most assuredly have grey porridge.16
“Ouch!” Ok, I didn't say ouch, I let out a stream of swearwords I had learned from the Headmistress. I had cut myself on the sharp concrete table that stretched through the entire room, its wooden benches running alongside both sides of the sad, weary-looking table. Small candles lit the room, and along with the fact the kitchen had no windows, it created a rather gloomy effect.17
Ry shook his tousled blond hair, and said, “Porridge – again. I hate porridge,” and vehemently stabbed his spoon into his wooden bowl.18
“Well, whadaya know,” I teased sarcastically. Moodily frowning at the suspicious grey lumps in my bowl, I complained, “Ry, stop mumbling!”19
“Arggh!” cried Ry.20
“Arggh!” I agreed.21
A few small raindrops managed to squeeze their way out of the fluffy clouds I could see just beyond the orphanage walls. Within the walls there seemed to be a perpetual rainy, gray cloud, one piled high on top of the other, but it was unusual for it to rain Beyond. Small droplets began to splatter on the fertile ground, soaking through, a contrast to how they formed puddles above the baked ground inside our courtyard.22
Shivering, I hugged my tunic against my bare arms, and prodded miserably through the puddles to my "dorm.” Water lapped up my ankles and mud sopped through my toes, and I was reminded uneasily of my dream of the man and woman. Why did the dream affect me so much?23
It's just a dream, I told myself sternly. No need to freak out. Seriously.24
But I couldn't shake it, I couldn't, so I didn't notice anything unusual when I walked into the sleep-room. My head wrapped in the clouds, I told myself to forget the dream. Nightmare, I should say. So I didn't notice it until it pecked my hair. 25
“Ahh! Falcon!” I shouted.26
Its yellow eyes stared into mine as it perched itself on the dresser the five of us shared. By five of as I mean the five fourteen year old boys in these orphanage, me included. And Ry, too. Anyways, the falcon's black wings ruffled and the falcon cawed twice, then it flew out my door.27
“No!” Oh god, this was so bad. The Headmistress would have my head!28
Running out my door, I skidded to a stop as the falcon reached the corner and waited. Then I ran so fast the pictures of the former Headmasters or Mistresses past by in a blur. Their faces seemed to meld together as I jumped at the falcon.29
Darn it! It’s smooth, well groomed feathers slipped through my fingers. Cawing again, it flew down the hallway and into the main entrance and cawed. 30
“Shut up!” I hissed.31
Then I realized where he landed.32
It was on a hook. On the wall. And on the hook… was the key to the outside.33
Oh my god. Wow. The key to the Beyond. Somehow I'd never been able to find it, I don't know why. Maybe it’s because I'd always looked in boxes. Wow... again.34
Unthinkingly, I tiptoed up to the key. It was old fashioned, rusty yet indescribably beautiful, at least to me, and the hook seemed to be made of solid gold. Its rippled edges melded into the wall, shimmering and sparkling, plainly perceived in the dark room. Why? Why hadn't I noticed before?35
Then I remembered the falcon. It was gone.36
Damn.37
“Ry,”' I whispered later that night.38
“yeah?”39
"I - I found it, I found the key.” I shuddered when I thought about how the falcon found it. Where had it gone? And how did it know where the key was kept?40
“Drake?! Do you know what this means?!”41
“Er, no, not exactly. I mean, other than we can escape.”42
“No, what exactly happened?”43
So I told him.44
“Drake – you've found your familiar. We – we can go to Hirizi Batnoam!”45
“What-and-what?”46
Ry went on to explain to me about familiars, which were like soul mates. A familiar was an animal. Now that I had found my familiar, I could perform my magic to my farthest abilities, and I could go to school. The school of magic. We each got our own mentor, who taught us about or abilities.47
“So what's your fam – familiar?”'48
“An owl.” Ry put his hands to his mouth and let out a soft, low hoot. A beautiful barn owl flew the window.49
Hello, Ry. And who is this?50
Oh yeah, this is Drake, Kapueo.51
“Wow! She can talk?!”52
Shh!53
Just talk to me through your mind, Kapueo said.54
Ok, I whispered in my thoughts.55
The owls tawny feathers were so smooth and beautiful, and I remembered how she had flown so smoothly, so silently through the window.56
“Can I pet her?” I asked Ry.57
“Sure, that ok, Kapueo?” said Ry happily.58
Yes, hooted the owl.59
Grinning, I realized just how fluffy and soft she was, and her head turned almost all the way around to look at me.60
“Did you say we get special abilities?”61
"Yeah, look,” grinned Ry. He lifted his shirt and I realized in horror – in good way, though – that he had wings. Brown, speckled, tawny ones.62
“Since yours is a falcon, you'll probably have them too!”63
“Can you fly?” I whispered.64
“Uh-huh!”65
Climbing on his bed, he furrowed his brow in concentration, and he confided worriedly, “I'm not too good yet, I've been waiting to go to school.”66
Sweat dripping off of his pale nose, Ry leaped off and flapped his wings. He stayed up for a few seconds before falling, landing sprawled out on the hard, cement floor.67
“See?” he laughed.68
So I asked him when he had found his familiar.69
“A couple years ago,” he said. "But Hirizi Betnoam doesn't start until you're fourteen, it starts in the fall. I was worried that you wouldn't get your familiar in time for school. Its the only way you can control your powers,” Ry added.70
Now, hooted Kapueo. It is time to call your familiar.71
“Yes,” said Ry, suddenly grave.72
Chapter 2: http://storywrite.com/story/148756
Author notes
This is the 1st chapter to a story I'm writing.
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Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I said I wanted to read the next bit!
OK, since you've taken the time to start writing a novel, I'll take the time to try and give you some constructive criticism. I know this is still drafted and you'll revise it later, but here are some tips for improving it already:
'The forest seemed to pass by in a slow blur, the green, brown, and white colors melding together to form an actually rather beautiful forest color.'
I know what you're trying to do here. Maybe change it to something like
'The forest passed by in a slow blur, as the ordinary greens, browns and whites melded together to form an extraordinarily beautiful forest patchwork'.
'I took my gray clothes out of my gray cabinet, drew my gray shades, and made my gray bed. Gray, gray, gray! I mean, talk about color blind!'
I know you want to emphasise the horror and boredom of living in an orhanage, but I'd tone this down a bit. It's one of the more childish areas of the piece, and, although you're writing this from a child's POV, try to keep her sounding a little maturer.
'By five of as I mean the five fourteen year old boys in these orphanage, me included.'
Same sort of thing here. Change this to 'the five of us being myself and the fourteen other boys in the orphanage' or something similar. Sounds more mature and reads easier.
'Unthinkingly, I tiptoed up to the key.'
Try 'Forgetting myself, I crept toward the key'. Titptoed isn't quite a good enough word to make this really dramatic, and unthinkingly sounds like you're trying to be too big. Keep your words simple where you can, and allow the structure of the sentence, or the way you use them, to make your writing more elaborate, until you can use long words well.
'Hello, Ry. And who is this?
Oh yeah, this is Drake, Kapueo.'
Try putting mindspeak in italics, brackets or bold (just use the rich text buttons). This makes it easier for us to follow what is speech and what is narrative.
'He lifted his shirt and I realized in horror – in good way, though – that he had wings.'
Maybe 'I stared in awe and amazement at the brown wings specked with tawny, horrified and enthralled at the same time.' Again a maturer way of saying what you had written.
You also need to do a spell check on this, but otherwise it is really good. I wasn't sure what a familiar was but now I'm guessing it's a bit like a totem? A kind of guardian animal that represents a part of yourself?
This story is coming along nicely. The characters are described better here, and the plot seems to be more thought-out than in the prologue. If you don't mind, I'd like to read the whole thing as you do it. I hope my feedback helps you improve.
wolfcub
(going to read chapter two now) -
Forgot clappy men


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Very creative. This has awesome character development and descriptions. One problem: I was running through a forest, my unruly hair streaminy out behind my." You obviously intended to write something more, but somehow forgot. Don't worry, this happens to me a lot 2 Awesome write!!!!
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Wow, this place sounds horrible. Lol! The relationship between Ry and (Drake, was it?) is established really well
Good descriopions.
Lol, you commented on your own story with a smiley ^^
I like this story. You definitely have to explain familiars to me, though *nods*
Another great post..... I'll be back.....
Eph
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:-)
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