Memories of my father

I don't see my father much anymore. He's too busy with his own life. I guess I deal with it, sometimes i don't even miss him, maybe because he was never around much to begin with. 1

When i was born my dad left my mom. They were both young and he was following the dream of becoming a rock star, it never worked out that way. His band broke up, went their separate ways. 2

He took me every other weekend. I remember the train rides vaguely. But i remember the car rides perfectly. The sound of "hotel California" by the eagles playing in the stereo, the smell of his Marlboro's. The sky scrapers veiled by the thick polluted smoke of the city looked like misshapen clouds, and the sun shining made it look almost magical. His apartment had wood floors and a back yard shared with the other tenants. The girls who lived upstairs wore stilettos so you could here their walking through out the day. I remember eating mac and cheese while playing computer games on his roomys computer. I played a game that involved splatting random foods...i cant remember the name of it, but i spent hour's at it. I also frequented Barbie.com (I was 5-9).3

He moved to San Jose (by San Fran) when i was 12. He stayed there for 2 years and i visited him for a month in the summers. I remember sitting outside the door with my CD player, listening to M2M and watching the snails slowly crawl up the side of the house, my skin brown against my tank tops, from days playing in the sun. I could smell the orange trees in the backyard, their tangy scent mixed with salt. The nights were nice and cool. I could smell the ocean in the air. If heaven were a place, id say it's California at night. The faint distant crash of waves on rocks, and stars shining above black waters. 4

He went hiking in Yosemite and the mountains by his house ( i can not recall the name). The first time I went with him, we spent the night roasting portebello mushrooms and grilling fillet (it wasn't a long hick so it kept fresh in a cooler). We had huge backpacks and when we came to a stream id swim for a while, watching the small fishes flash through the water around me, their silver body reflecting the sun. There were these huge, yellow banana slugs on the paths we took. It was so silent in the mountains, one could hear the earth breathe. It was solitude in its best. Tall red wood trees standing proud against blue, cloudless sky. The air, thin, and crisp, stinging the lungs. The night times where amazing. The smell of the campfire slowly dying, the faint sound of animals crying out in the night. Stars through the tops of trees, and the moon like a glowing orb of mercury, hanging lovingly in the sky. You could see satellites pass by over head, and i saw more than one shooting star. Each wish, eventually never to come true, but the sight still branded on my minds eye.5

I had family id visit there. My aunt(she was really my cousin, 3 times removed, but since she was 50, i called her aunt) I cannot remember her name. Her two sons, one of which looked like Aaron carter, but much older. I remember i stayed with her for a night, and watched south park breaking in between only to go eat oranges off of her orange tree and to go to the Antique shop with her. I had another aunt. I do not remember her name either, but she was a lesbian, with a kicking Harley Davidson motorcycle and 2 dogs, whom i played with more than my assorted cousins.6

When he moved back from California, i do not remember much until he became engaged to a woman named Lisa. she try ed to win me over with gifts and taking me to the Theater (we went to see some dance troupe and Fossie).She was nice, but very materialistic. She still lived with her ex husband. My father and hers engagement did not last very long.7

He is now seeing a woman named Laurel. I like her. But i don't know how long it is going to last between them. He See's her about as much as I see him...and they live together.8

I do not see my father much. I deal with it, but its hard for me to even remember him sometimes.9

Child support that comes when it wants to, and one phone call between once every month visits don't make up for growing up without a father.10

But i deal with it.11