‘Loneliness is a terrible thing.’ Michelle Baine reflected on the things the guy at Crisis Center said. ‘Michelle I’ve been there, so I know it’s not easy. Believe me it will pass…’1
'Yah right!' Crystal tears like tiny gems glistened beneath soft brown eyes. Childishly she sniffled and ran her hand across her nose; small teeth caught a lower pink lip and nibbled. She finished filling the basket with grounds and replaced it in the coffee maker. 'Another person with their good advice like time heals all,' she consoled herself. 'They could all go to Hell!' She paused a moment before she flicked the switch. 2
What she really needed was sleep—a couple of days of sleep. She flicked the on switch. She had barely put together several good hours of rest since Hal’s final call.3
Michelle pushed her hundred and five pounds away from the counter and with hunched shoulders, shuffled to the small dinette set. A plain white vase with a single red plastic carnation adorned the center of the table. Everything in her apartment was uncomplicated and rather nondescript. 4
Hal couldn’t stand it. ‘Mickey’s spic and span dollhouse,’ he’d snicker and deliberately toss his dirty socks on her clean floor or light up a cigarette and blow smoke to stink up the place. 5
Slumping at the Formica topped table, she let her face drop into her palms. Why had he lied? Why had he said, ‘I just need some space, get my head clear. Then we can discuss things, put them in perspective.’ She knew he wasn’t coming back. 6
She’d sensed things going downhill after their first month together. It was always like that. First the big come on. The dates, the gifts, then I love you bull while they satisfied their lust. Hal had lasted longer than others. Hal actually moved in, and she saw a future. Pictured a home—their home…a child—their child.7
There was a knock at Michelle's door. It startled her. ‘Hal?’ Her hands flew to her short brown bob and finger combed as she shoved away from the table and rushed to the front door. 8
At five in the morning, who but Hal would be at her door? He did love her. He wanted to make it work.9
Big city living made her automically pause before she opened the door. She glanced through the peephole to see a young man. It wasn’t Hal. The guy was smiling and looked friendly enough, yet she left the door chained and cautiously opened it a crack.10
"Can I help you?" she asked.11
"I'm from the Crisis Center and I'm here to help you."12
“What!” She nearly choked on her surprise. “Why would you come here?” was uttered in amazement. "Oh. I didn't know that you would come here." 13
“We do what we feel is necessary Michelle.” His friendly smile spread across even white teeth. There was no star quality to the face, but he was clean-shaven and pleasant appearing. His voice held a hint of a Jersey accent. "If we feel it’s appropriate, we follow up on callers," he said. "May I come in?" 14
The Crisis Line? How odd, still the man on the phone had been genuinely concerned. He’d questioned her about family or friends she could turn to. When she admitted there was no one close, he said, “That’s not good. How long have you been in the city?” He must have sent this volunteer.15
The man outside her door wasn’t pushy; he didn’t seem in a hurry only waited patiently for her to decide to turn him away or let him in.16
She only hesitated for the time it took to convince herself, it couldn’t hurt. She closed the door and slid back the night latch. “Suppose you can come in,” she said as she opened the door fully. “I just made coffee, would you like some?”17
“That would be nice Michelle.” He removed and tossed his suede coat on a chair and followed her. “You have a nice apartment, have you lived here long?”18
“It’s rather small, but living space in the city is at a premium—but I suppose you know that.” She took twin mugs from a white metal tree on the counter and filled them with coffee. “Cream? Sugar?” she said as she set them on the table.19
He politely pulled two chairs from the table, assuring her, “Black is fine.” He sat in one. When she sat in the other he said frankly, "So, you are wanting to commit suicide?" 20
Shocked, she stammered, “No, no, not now. I’m feeling much better now.” She lifted her cup and took a sip of the coffee. Holding it in her mouth she stared at the stranger who posed the blunt question.21
There wasn’t the slightest change in his facial expression, as he said, "But you have thoughts of suicide often, don't you?"22
Swallowing, she squirmed suddenly very uncomfortable and felt heat rise in her cheeks as she admitted, “Sometimes.”23
“This persistent desire comes back again and again…” His tone dropped into whisper, “You want to die Michelle? The thoughts of death, ending your sorry state, will come back, won’t they?” His blue eyes bore into hers and his hand reached over and gently grasped one of hers. “Every time you remember that Hal deserted you and you caused him to leave, drove him away like you do everyone.” 24
Hal? Of course they’d filled him in on things she’d told that fellow at the Crisis Center. A worried frown stiffened her face and tightness grew in her chest. Why was he saying such things? Didn’t he realize how much it hurt to face the facts of what a pathetic creature she was? “Please, don’t…”she whimpered. Fresh tears stood in her eyes and she bit deeply into her bottom lip. 25
He squeezed her fingers. The tone of his voice stayed low almost pleading. “Admit it Michelle. What have you got? A piss poor job that barely covers expenses. Every month you’re raiding one credit card to pay another.” His dark hair that shined with health and grooming, waved slightly when he nodded slowly as if contemplating her wretched state. “If you had a few extra bucks you might be able to do something to improve your looks—but that’s doubtful.” It wasn’t actually a sneer that followed, more like a sorrowful groan. “Poor plain Michelle, with so many hang-ups she can’t even give her fellow a good fuck.”26
“Stop, stop, stop, please stop.” Hot tears were spilling out and running down her cheeks. She tried to pull her hand away, but he held it tight. "What are you trying to do?"27
“Let you see the truth. Ask yourself, what do I have to live for? An honest answer would be—nothing.” His free hand reached for his coffee and he took a deep drink while his eyes continued to bore into hers. Then he set the cup down and smiled. “When I leave, you’ll be alone again. Alone and wanting to end it?”28
“I guess,” she whimpered. 29
“You’ll be alone. No one here. This tiny empty apartment suffocating you, the walls closing in...you’ll cry perhaps scream but no one will hear. You’ll try to end it and it will hurt and you’ll suffer.” He took her other hand in his and held it close to his mouth and breathed on the iciness then pressed it to his lips and whispered, “I don’t want you to go through all that pain. I don’t want you to be alone. I want to be with you. Help you.” He placed her hand on the table and reached up to soothe her hair. “You can effortlessly go to sleep, while I stay right here beside you.”30
"I'm not sure anymore. ” She continued to weep. “I’m not sure about dying.” 31
“It’s your time Michelle.” His tone became sweetly sinister and belied the caring expression still on his face. Retrieving a bottle of clear liquid from his pocket, he emptied it in her coffee. “Drink your coffee Michelle and you’ll go gently to sleep.” A knife came from a holder at his waist; he laid it on the table. “Today is your day to die Michelle. By your hand or mine. Either way is fine with me.”32
A small plastic bird popped out of a clock on the wall and a cheap mechanism chimed three times. 33
“What a pitiful creature--even your clock is worthless.”34
Michelle was in no shape to fight on. Her stare fixed on the hunting knife. It terrified her. Life seemed too hard and fighting this man was beyond her. A strange relief settled on her face as she lifted the cup and drank the coffee. If she died no one would care. Maybe now he’d leave. She could call 911.
In a list
A contest entry
- Contest with a twist by Token Massacre.
350 points, ended April 28, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Amazing work
I love this section it dragged me in to answering questions, although i did find the minuet he said he was from the crisis centre i knew he was the murderer and found myself asking 2 questions, One does he work for the crisis centre or does he just listen to the radio, however the details he had regarding hal sggests he worjks at the centre or taps their phone calls.
either way i'm very intrigued im now inviolved in the story and have to read on
thanks for sharing
Tbeginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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Very good
This character is something else.Takes the calls and goes to the people, or works fo the Center and is a killer by nature.
Poor Michelle jumped from the frying pan into the fire.
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Yep!
Michelle found herself to be a victim. Instead of being a victim of her loneliness and depression, she falls prey to a killer.
Andy
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Okay,I hope it breaks into something more inetesrting then following this killer/rapsit around doing his dirty deeds. Good writing,so i will continue.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hi!
Glad we didn't lose you here. It's seems that you were a bit dissatisfied at this point.
It is a crime novel and the main point to the story is chasing the killer down.
Andy
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I find your chapters rather short, I'm sorry. I was wondering how you had posted so many in such a short space of time. it might be better to call them parts or segments.
It is very interesting to look into the mind of a killer, I find it both intriguing and disturbing. I generally avoid horror and violence but this is just mild enough for me not to turn away. I still see this making its way to a bookshelf one day though. It has real promise as a novel. -
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Well,
It hasn't really been such a short space of time.
The chapters are usually between 1,500 and 2,000 words. They are not super long, but I think they are good.
We're going to be seriously marketing it soon.
I hope you like it.
Andy
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This...is...awesome! I love these nice-clean-cut serial killers who talk with their victims in a calm but psychopathic kind of way. It makes your story have much suspence. I'll keep reading
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hello again!
He is rather cold, calm, and ruthless. Neat dresser, attractive, deadly, just the sort to bring home to momma
. We're very pleased you're enjoying this story.
Andy
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Damn! I wonder what he's going to do to her? I hope she doesn't die.
Wow. If this were a book, this would be a page turner. I love the dialogue (so realistic) and the descriptions are nice, necessary...as in you don't bore me with them.
I love this. So suspenseful.
One minor thing I saw: If she die [died] no one would care.
By the way, congrats on gold.
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Thanks
We are hoping that this will be a book. Well, I guess you found out what happened to her. I'm glad that you are finding this suspenseful. We also try to make it entertaining. Thanks for all the applause and the correction.
Andy
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Bloodly hell ...
Who WAS that guy?? Some nerve he's got.
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Sorry
Can't tell you who he is yet. I'm glad you're enjoying this story. Thanks for continuing with it and all the applause.
Andy
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Ok, your murderer has officially gotten even creepier. *laughs* Euthanasia is one thing, forced euthanasia is no longer eu (trans. "good"). I'm having trouble determining this killer's motivation, though. In the prologue, he was all about the violence and the sex and the thievery. Here, he's all psychological, like he's playing with her. Of course, both murders are about power, but a completely different kind of power (physical versus psychological). Maybe it's just me...or maybe he's schizophrenic. *laughs* Anyways, another good chapter!
* Para 3: "Another person with their good advice like time heals all, she consoled herself, they could all go to Hell." *scratches head* I'm not sure about the grammatical structure of this - I think it should be two sentences...?
* Para 5: "Michelle pushed HER hundred and five pounds" - I think this would sound better, but it's kind of an opinion.
* Para 6: *cringes* Rethink the semicolon? *laughs*
* Para 14: I don't think you need "was uttered in amazement."
* Yikes - I'm not a city girl, and I am terrible about remembering to be cautious when in a city (I go for walks after dark sometimes without even thinking about it...oops... ), but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have let him in without at least some kind of crisis line ID. *laughs*
* Para 27: "The dark hair that shinned" - "shined" is the right word, and I think you might consider "His dark hair" to make sure we realize it's his and not hers. Also, "give a her fellow" needs to either lose the "a" or lose the "her."
* Para 29: He just took a "deep drink" of freshly-made steaming-hot coffe. *laughs*
* I would like to see more of Michelle's reaction to the man, more than just crying - what is she thinking? Feeling? What does her body language look like? There is so much you can do with this emotional wreckage here - take advantage!
* Para 33: "waiste" and "Ether" are mispelled.
* Para 36: It kind of feels a bit like this isn't really the end of the chapter... -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and providing the corrections and suggestions. We're working on his motivation. He changed his method, because he feels less likely to be caught. Why he kills women, we're still thinking on that.
Andy
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Crystal tears like tiny gems glistened beneath soft brown eyes
need a comma after tears and after gems
thhoughts need to be in single quotes... you did this in the first paragraph, then stopped
Michelle pushed a hundred and five pounds away from the counter and with hunched shoulders, shuffled to the small dinette set
a hundred and five pounds of what? I think what you mean is
Michelle pushed her hundred and five pound frame away from the counter and with hunched shoulders, shuffled to the small dinette set
those were the main structural things that I noticed. Your story is well thought and laid out. You have a good eye to detail, not overdoing it but just enough to give the reader an idea of what they're seeing.
The only thing that I did notice with the story was she didn't ask how he found her. He seemed to know a lot more than what a phone call to a hotline would be told. She doesn't even question it...
Otherwise it's a well done chapter. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck -
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting and the suggestions and corrections. I appreciate it. I hope you like this chapter.
I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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See you can't even trust the nice looking ones. I loved that I was pulled right in. You and Geri are doing a great job on this together. You styles compliment each other.
Brooke
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Thanks Brooke
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. People like the nice looking ones. I'm glad that you like this story. Geri and I are working pretty well together, but I'm at a temporary stand still. I've been a bit foggy for a while. I've had a cough and it seems to be affecting my brain.
Andy
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The way this story's written, it just pulls you in. I really like it. Excellently written.
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Thanks Mel
I'm glad you like this story. Thanks for reading and commenting. We appreciate it. I will try to read your chapters.
Andy
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I feel very drawn into this story it's quite a strong read. Very easily followed and excellent flow to the words.
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Thanks Fizbop
This is a collaboration between gerifitzsimmons and myself. She is taking my simple ideas and fleshing them out with more detail. She is doing a wonderful job. I think we may have a really good novel when we are done.
Andy
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This is a very powerful story. His power over her was strong and believable, as was her weakness. A terrific read. Keep on writing.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Thanks Lis
There is actually a prologue to this. I'll post a list soon. It is a challenge and a lot of fun. I'm collaborating with gerifitzsimmons. I think we may be on the start of a really good novel.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. You know I appreciate it.
Andy
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Very good Made me get drawed in please make a sequel.
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Geri and I
are currently writing additional chapters.
Andy -
Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. If you make your comments a hundred characters or more you'll earn points when you comment. I'm very pleased that you like this story.
Andy
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