Dodging a fallen branch, a man scanned his surroundings, his sword drawn. Burning pieces of pine and elm were scattered around him. People in peculiar robes shot jets of light out of their curled hands, while others poured out streaks of blackness. Screams and shouts echoed through the smoldering forest, the shouts in an odd language that was familiar to him filled the tense atmosphere. He saw one man writhing in agony on the ground, covered in a shroud of darkness, and felt his heart wrench with pity, and fervently wished that he could help.
“Lora!” he called. “Lora, help me find Araya!”
A woman with dark brown, luscious curls appeared next to him, as poised as if she had always been there.
“She's at home,” she said puzzledly.
“No! He’s got- He's got her!”
“Aiden, what - for Light’s sake - ”
"No time! Just help me find her!”
Aiden thought of his beloved baby and left his startled wife. His Araya – his little Araya – was gone. And she was with Him. He could feel it in his bones. Suddenly, a pitch black jet of lightning shot towards him, bringing Aiden back to his senses.
“Shilde!” he yelled, and light surrounded him, protecting him. Then, putting two grimy fingers in his mouth, he whistled. He saw a flash of gold, and a horned creature walked up to him and nuzzled his face.
“Oh, Endellion,” he told the unicorn, "I need you now more than ever.” Then he mounted the brilliant white stallion, a magnificent sight to the weary warrior, and holding his sword high, he galloped into the night.1
Lora felt a silent breeze as she called for her familiar, Jamadagni. Jami, she called in her mind, I need you.
Deafening sounds of wings filled the air, and the fighters scattered immediately. One or two unleashed an arrow or a lightning bolt, but none were prepared for what it was. A large paw bent four trees aside, and a loud roar filled the air, filling fear in all but the most callused to it. Next, a snout, a green forest color, pushed its way to Lora, blowing fire at an unwary dark warrior along the way.
Hello, Small One, said the dragon.
Jamadagni, cried Lora, He's got Araya!
Jami's eyes grew colder than ice, and she let out a ferocious roar, bursting all of the eardrums of the soldiers, frozen with fear, along the way.
It is time for me to hunt, growled Jami.
Yes, said Lora, and her jaw unclenched. Jami, we must be careful.
We?
Yes, Jami, I'm going with you.
No, Small One, it is too dangerous! Jami snorted impatiently.
Jami!
Fine! Jami sighed, whirls of smoke circling skyward from her nostrils, and she bent her scaled legs and Lora clambered on, whispering a few secret words into Jami's ears. Soon Jamadagni let out a ferocious roar and burst towards the sky, her muscular wings sending small tornadoes of fallen leaves to those left grounded, her eyes roaming back and for her prey. The pair's senses reached out, wildness emanating from their hearts.
“There now, Jamadangni ,” breathed Lora, her long brown hair streaming outward.
Above, a magnificent dragon flew.
Below, a magnificent unicorn cantered.
All to save one baby. 2
"Stop," whispered Aiden, his eyes wrinkled at the edges with the effort of staring through the trees. He saw the faint, blurry outline of a man levitating a small bundle of blankets above his head. Aiden’s stomach churned as he realized that it was Araya. The man himself seemed to spread blackness, sending a blatant chill into everyone’s heart, bringing with it a seemingly endless feeling of despair.
Endellion! He must be right there! Aiden thought to his unicorn.
Yes. Do you feel his aura? Don't let it enter you for its consequence is grave. Many die of it.
Got it.
Aiden summoned his strength from every corner of his battle-battered body and nudged Endellion forward. Galloping into the clearing, the figure did not turn. Smoke seemed to billow off of the dark wizard's cloak, streaming over the jagged ends of the cliff and into the sea. Aiden’s eyes were drawn to the menace of the cliffs even as he rode up to the dark wizard.
“Aiden Feng, I've been expecting you.”
“Donovan,” Aiden whispered furiously, his eyes flashing, his teeth clenched.
“Aiden, I doubt that you’ve had even had the beginnings of a thought that this might have been a trap,” Donovan sneered evilly.
“Just give me my daughter!” Aiden stared at the bundle, willing his daughter to squirm out of the bundle like she did at home. With horror, Aiden realized that Donovan had silenced Araya, her face red from trying to scream, but the Silencing Spell held it in her throat. “Give me Araya,” he said, raising his sword front of his chest. “Give me the girl.”
Donavan growled in a wolf-like manner, and a falcon swooped onto his shoulder. Cawing twice, its yellow eye focused on Aiden, its curved beak forming a malicious smile.
Donovan curled his hand and a jet of black shot towards Aiden.
“Shilde!” Aiden yelled again, but the jet shot straight through his defense.
He thought of his helpless daughter, but it was too late – his sword was knocked out of his hands and he was thrown to the ground. Aiden felt his breath being knocked out of him.
“No!” he wheezed.
Suddenly the air was filled with the loud sound of dragon wings in the air, and Aiden felt the weight lift off of his sore chest. The spell was blown off of him, allowing him to breathe once more. It didn't last long, though, as Donovan cried out and cast a spell over Aiden forcing him to into his red eyes. Aiden stopped struggling, and began to glow and blur. Donovan inhaled deeply, sucking the blurriness into his mouth, and Aiden’s form seemed to stretch towards the dark wizard. There was a huge, booming, crashing roar as Jami skidded to a stop, and Lora leaped gracefully off her back, running to Aiden.
“Yes,” hissed Donovan. “You will be mine…” Lora yelled and loosed an arrow at Donnovan, piercing his flashing scarlet eye, and Donovan let out a horrible unearthly wail.
“Aiden!” said Lora.
Aiden lay gasping on the ground, but he stumbled up and had a deadly, murderous look in his eyes.
Donovan faltered for a second, fear in his one scarlet eye, for he knew that together the family couldn't be defeated. Then he cackled wickedly – he still had the baby. And apparently they knew it too. They were staring at him in hatred beyond words, beyond what even he knew, beyond Darkness itself.
Then those familiars ruined it all for him. The red scaled dragon and the startlingly magnificent unicorn had been flapping around the battle scene.
Jami felt her heart wrench as she saw Araya flailing helplessly in the air.
It is time to hunt.
Screeching so loud that the trees shook and what animals were left alive scurried to shelter, and even the mightiest warriors cowered, Jami dived at Donovan. He screamed as his body was lacerated by the ferocious dragons gleaming claws.
“This is not the end!” shrieked Donovan. “Untersiedlika!”
The clouds on the west horizon got caught in the wind the spell had caused. Booming, the bewitched fog let of a large cracking sound, and the cliff shattered violently, sending Aiden and Lora into the frothing sea, its raging waves seeming to send spindly fingers up to grab the pair. Letting out a huge honk, and enraged Jami dropped Donovan’s broken body and flew to the pair.
No! shouted Lora. The current is to strong – it’s bewitched. It wants me.
Lora! Aiden! And the unicorn and dragon flew to the raging sea.3
The only one left was the baby Araya, levitated by Donovan’s own spell.4
Chapter 2: http://storywrite.com/story/148746
Author notes
This is the prologue to another story I'm writing.
(option 3-fantasy)
(snuggly bears)
In a list
- Athena Group group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Do you have no trophies? by Midnightmare.
475 points, ended March 24, 14 entries
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Honorable winner
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Honorable winner
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Do you feel the characters' emotions?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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mmmmm.....
i don't know what to say..... -
I like this! The first few lines didn't grab my attention, but the rest of the story did. The speech is realistic forthe characters, who came alive. I think you could have used a little more description of the characters or less of the scenery and emotions to even it out a bit, but the description you did have was great.
You have a range of very simplistic and quite advanced phrases in here - at times this sounds very grown up but in other places the maturity lapses. Also, I didn't find myself warming to any characters. I don't know if you'd intended that - perhaps they all turn out as 'baddies' - but otherwise it would be betterto try and get my heart going out to thes people immediately. Describe how appaling Donovan is, and how wonderful Aiden and Lora are for going totheir daughter's rescue.
The dragon is great - her interaction with Lora is really powerful, but mysterious at the same time.
I'd definitely like to read more of this story. -
Wow. I'm stunned. An excellent work that makes it hard to say much about it, though you could have said more about the moments between cliff and sea.
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Good story
it was descriptive enough to keep my entrest.. and good enough to imagine it as i read it... i wish you luck in the contest. -
I love this prologue, I love how you catapult us straight into the action. I have so many unanswered questions now!
You definately have a talent for writing, your imagery is incredibly vivid, and your characters really seem to jump out of the page......the whole thing flows very well.
The one thing I might say is that maybe the 'thgouht speech' between the characers and their familiers could be put in italics, or maybe have ' at the beginning and end of them? Its not a huge point but it might make it a little easier to read as I'm getting old now......lol
Anyway, well done, keep it up!
~Mirry xx
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Well, I already read most of this on the bus, but I'm reading it again! Its a bit confusing, but its allowed to be since its a prolouge. This has the coolest names and spells in it! It would be nice is you put something like {} around the areas where people are talking to their familiars. For example: {Endellion! He must be right there!} Aiden thought to his unicorn.
This is a really cool fantasy world your building here. Great job!!!!!!! *scampers off to read Chapeter 1*
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An interesting beginning. Omg Araya is an awesome name!! So's Endellion. You're good at names.... Oooooh, good introduction to Jamadagni.
"The man himself seemed to spread blackness," the word 'spread' doesn't sound right here. How about 'radiate'? Meh, just a suggestion ^^
Oh my god, Donovan can kill people just by being around them?! What an awesome villian!
'Shilde.' I take it this is derived from the word 'sheild?' I'd be interested to see how you figured out this language pattern. Woah, Untersiedlika just ruined my theory about your pattern *gapes*
Ah, yes. I thought the main story would be about Araya. So, what's a 'familiar'? I've never heard of the concept ^^"
Nice work; this is really good.
Eph
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After reading about 10 stories that are all about 2000 words, my eyes are killing me.
that really didn't have any relevance to this story but hey, after ten stories i'm pretty sure that this was still good.
Good plot and interesting to read. It wasn't a bad write at all..
keep it up, thanks for entering! -
Interesting
This was pretty good... I haven't finished it yet, but I will, and here is what I've noticed so far:
"People in peculiar robes shot jets of light out of their curled hands, and in others' cases, shooting blackness."
---The wording and word choice doesn't flow very well, you use "shot" twice. Are they men, women, or both? It would sound better to me if you said "Men and women...", but that's just my opinion. What color are the robes? Adding these details would help the reader picture the scene better. Try "Some of the men and women in peculiar, *color* robes shot jets(streams maybe?) of light from their curled hands, while others poured out darkness.---
"Screams echoed through the smoldering forest, and shouts in an odd language that was familiar filled the tense atmosphere."
---This sounds oxymoron-ish. If it is a familiar language, it wouldn't be odd. Maybe it's just familiar to him? If it is familiar to just him, try "...and shouts in an odd(strange?) language that was familiar to him..." and if it is familiar to all of them, try "...and shouts of a familiar language filled..."---
"He saw one man writhing in agony on the ground covered in a shroud of blackness, and felt his heart wrench with pity, and fervently wished that he could help."
---There should be a comma between "ground" and "covered", and because this sentence feels a bit repetitive, maybe reword like "He saw one(a?) man writhing in agony on the ground, covered in a shroud of blackness(darkness?), and felt his heart wrench with pity, fervently wishing that he could help.---
"A woman with dark, luscious curls appeared next to him, as unruffled as if she had always been there."
---I'm not quite sure that "unruffled" is quite the right word here. It sounds straight out of the thesaurus. Maybe "calm", or "poised".---
"“Aiden, what - For Light’s sake - ”"
---Should "for" be capitalized? It doesn't seem right, because the dash doesn't begin a new sentence. And maybe you should do the punctuation a little differently, like maybe "Aiden, what - for Light's sake!"---
"Suddenly, a pitch black jet of lightning shot towards him, bringing Aiden back to alertness."
---"Alertness" doesn't sound quite right here. How about "his senses"?---
"Then putting two grimy fingers in his mouth, he whistled."
---There should be a comma between "Then" and "putting".---
"Then he mounted the brilliant white stallion, a magnificent sight to the weary warrior; holding his sword high, he galloped into the night."
---This sentence could do without "then". The semicolon kind of interrupts the flow of the sentence. Try "He mounted the brilliant white stallion, a magnificent sight to the weary warrior, and holding his sword up high, he galloped into (off?) the night." Where did he get his sword from? If he had it from earlier, mention it earlier, and if he got it off of the unicorn, mention that.---
"Huge sounds of wings filled the air, and the fighters scattered immediately."
---Sounds can't really be huge. They can be loud, but not huge. Replace it with "deafening" or just plain "loud". Also, wings themselves don't make audible sound. Adding "flapping wings" would make more sense.---
"Next, a snout, a green forest color, pushed its way to Lora, blowing fire at the unwary dark warrior along the way."
---This doesn't really make sense. Is the snout green-forest colored? And it would sound better if you replaced the first "the" with an "an".---
"Jami's eyes grew colder than ice, and she let out a ferocious roar, bursting all of the eardrums of frozen soldier along the way."
---Frozen soldier? "A" frozen soldier, maybe? And how did he get frozen? This is confusing and could use a clause of explanation.---
"Fine! Jami signed, whirls of smoke circling skyward from her nostrils, and she bent her scaled legs and Lora clambered on, whispering a few secret words into Jami's ears."
---I assume you mean "sighed" instead of "signed"? Also, there should be a comma between "legs" and "and".---
"Soon Jamadagni let out a ferocious roar and burst towards the sky, her muscular wings sending small tornadoes of fallen leaves to those left grounded, her eyes roaming back and for foots her prey."
---There should be a comma between "soon" and "Jamadagni". The last part of the sentence doesn't make sense. "her eyes roaming back and for foots her prey." I don't know what that means. A reword to make it understandable is necessary here.---
"“There now, Jamadangni ,” breathed Lora, her long brown hair streaming outward."
---There is an unnecessary space between "Jamadangni" and the comma. Before, you said she had dark hair, and now you say brown. Consider switching these descriptions so I'm not imagining her with black hair.---
"Below, a magnificent stallion cantered."
---I thought it was a unicorn? It may be a male unicorn, but you should call him a unicorn more often than you call him a stallion so the reader pictures the right creature.---
""Stop," whispered Aiden Feng, his eyes wrinkled the edges with the effort of staring through the trees."
---First, let us figure out his last name later when Donovan says it. It doesn't quite fit here, as it feels more like you are feeding the reader information than giving it to them naturally. Second, I think you are missing an "at" between "wrinkled" and "the".---
"He saw the faint blurry outlines of a man levitating a small bundle of blankets above his head."
---There should be a comma between "faint" and "blurry". "Outlines" shouldn't be plural.---
"Aiden’s stomach flip-flopped as he realized that it was Araya."
---After your great, professional writing voice, you sorta ruin it with "flip-flopped". Try "turned", "churned", or "flipped".---
"The man himself seemed to radiate blackness, sending a blatant chill into every person's heart, bringing with it a seemingly endless feeling of despair."
---I love this detail, but the word "person" seems out of place. Maybe just change "every" to "everyone" and delete "person's".---
"Endellion! He must be right there! Aiden whispered quietly in his mind."
---Being a thought and not a spoken word, there is no "whispering quietly". Try "Aiden thought to the unicorn." That way, we know that he is talking to him is his thoughts, and that he is talking to the unicorn, which attaches the name to the character a little more firmly in readers' minds.---
"Don't let it enter your new for its consequence is grave."
---There should be a comma between "new" and "for". What do you mean by "Don't let it enter your new"? Is it a typo, or is it meant to be that way? If that's what you mean, it needs some clarification. At the end of Endellion's speech, it would sound better if you added "he replied." After that, you could add a short clarification sentence if needed.---
"“Aiden, I don't think that your smallish brain may have even had the beginnings of a thought that this might have been a trap,” Donovan sneered unpleasantly."
---This sounds more like a kindergarten taunt at first. Try rewording it, something like ""I doubt you have even the beginnings of a thought that all of this might have been a trap,"". Also, "unpleasantly" is too soft of a word for someone who is levitating a baby. Maybe "evilly".---
"With horror, Aiden realized that Donovan had silenced Araya, her red face trying to scream but the Silencing Spell held it in her throat."
---This would flow better if you reworded it like "her face red from trying to scream, the Silencing Spell holding it in her throat."---
"“Give me Araya,” he said, raising his sword front of his chest, “give me the girl.”"
---I think you are missing an "in" between "sword" and "front". The comma after "chest" should be a period, and the following dialog should be something like "Give me the girl!"---
"Then he thought of his helpless daughter, but was too late..."
---I think this would sound better if you dropped the "then". Using "then" denotes telling instead of showing, and generally, an author wants to show the story. Also, it seems as though you are missing an "it" between "but" and "was".---
"...he was thrown unceremoniously to the ground."
---The word "unceremoniously" usually adds humor to a scene, but because this is definitely not humorous, it would be best just to leave it out, because it is fine the way it is.---
"Aiden felt his breath being knocked out of his chest."
---This doesn't sound quite right. Reword "Aiden's breath was knocked out of him.---
"Suddenly the air was filled with the loud sound of dragon wings in the air, Aiden felt the weight lift off of his sore chest, and the spell was blown off of him, allowing hurry to breathe once more."
---There should be a comma between "suddenly" and "the", and there should be an "and" between "air" and "Aiden". This sentence is run-on, and would be better if you split the sentence like "Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of dragon wings in the air, and Aiden felt a weight lift off of his sore chest. The spell was blown off of him, allowing him to breathe again."---
This is as far as I've gotten so far, but I will finish when I can get back to a computer. By the way, I actually have five chapters of the story you read the prologue of posted, so you can read them if/when you have time. Thanks for reviewing my prologue!
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"The man himself seemed to spread blackness"
While I read that I was like, RADIATE!! It should totally say radiate!! But that's just me, I like that word
Hmm so what's so special about Araya? *curious* And I totally agree with Irish, you have a ridiculously huge amount of talent for your age. (which my age too, lol) But you already knew I thought that. Nice job, good write, and I finally got to finish reading this! Yay!
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Thanks! And about Araya - you'll see!
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Mkay *goes to read the first chapter*
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I've always rather liked the idea of familiars, so this was a very nice story to me! You have a great voice and a lot of talent for someone so young - I am very much impressed! And you have such a cliffhanger! I'm sure that everyone who reads this is going to want to know what happens to poor baby Araya. And probably will, like me, want to know what all of the fighting is about in the first place! I think you have the start of what promises to be a very good story. Besst of luck in all of your writing and welcome to Storywrite!
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