A pale hand ripped three pieces of paper out of a book and threw them up into the air, where they remained, suspended. Carefully replacing his book in the compartment at the back of his coat, Arkyntesh brushed a long strand of white hair out of his face. He never bothered to pull it all back into a plait in the morning, and he always regretted it later. Perhaps it was dangerous for him to leave his white hair out in the open at all considering he was walking straight into a small enemy town, but he always took precautions for his safety. 1
The three pieces of paper floated high above him in the clear blue sky as he headed into the main street; the light-coloured paint on the buildings glaring at him for a second before his eyes adjusted. The buildings in Tylon were commonly made of a material like fibreglass, only stronger, but this material was dark and dreary so the people developed a custom of painting everything in sight. Arkyn watched with a sharp gaze as the black-haired Tylonian citizens fled indoors at the sight of him. 2
If he had dyed his hair black so as to fit in around here, they would have seen a normal traveller of about 17 years old. But he refused to deny his heritage or lie about who he was, so what they saw now was a dangerous Ilian invading their town, in search of trouble. Arkyn headed straight to the local tavern; he needed replenishment more than he needed supplies. He could hear the conversation from outside, but the moment he entered the tavern a hush settled over the customers. 3
Heading straight to the bar, he ordered a simple drink of water from the rigid bartender. 4
“Right away,” the youth stammered and almost ran to perform the task.5
The room remained almost completely silent, all eyes on the Ilian. This was a pleasant surprise, Arkyn thought; perhaps these people would be too afraid to try and fight him or ask who he was. He really couldn’t be bothered killing anyone today. It was also fortunate that no one had noticed the three pieces of paper magically holding themselves up above him, floating peacefully around the carvings in the ceiling. If someone had noticed, the whole situation would be different. Anyone who was telekinetic was considered possessed by a demon or born evil in both Ilia and Tylon. These people would be killed the moment their identity was revealed, even if merely because of an accusation.6
Arkyn’s main purpose in life was now to become strong enough to avenge his mother, who was only dead now because he revealed his own abilities. Telekinesis was hereditary, carried only by the female, hence she was killed. Arkyn was torn though: he didn’t know what his true goal was. Did he want revenge or did he want to prove himself worthy enough for his banishment from Ilia to be negated? 7
The bartender finally brought him his water and Arkyn slowly drank the cool liquid, not at all suspicious of poison. This bartender wasn’t smart or brave enough for that. Putting down the glass, Arkyn sighed contentedly, as if he was completely alone instead of completely surrounded by people who wanted to kill him. His overconfidence was his downfall. 8
Before he knew what was happening, a giant fist sent him straight through the open doorway and out into the street. Arkyntesh skidded slightly in the dirt and resummoned his paper before getting up. The three pieces shot far up into the sky. A man with a huge stomach and cropped dark hair emerged from the tavern followed by the rest of the customers, and people from buildings on the rest of the street also came out to see what was happening.9
“What are you doing here, Ilian?” the large man rumbled. 10
Irritably pushing his hair back over his shoulders, Arkyn replied honestly, “I’m just passing through.”11
“Where are you going?” the man demanded.12
“I don’t know.”13
“Hmph.” He cracked his massive tanned knuckles and considered the situation. “If you were merely a Tylonian spy you would have told us by now. Are you committing suicide or something?” he laughed; a low, guttural noise. “Our two countries are at war and you’re marching through Tylon like you own the place. Don’t you at least have a gun?”14
Before Arkyn could give an answer accompanied by his favourite sly smirk, a young boy from across the street started shouting in delight and pointing upwards. 15
“Look!” the boy cried and escaped his mother’s grip to run out onto the road a few feet from the Ilian. “There’s something in the sky! Look! They’re so pretty!”16
Arkyn looked up at the three strips of paper dipping and dancing so high up that they were almost unnoticeable. “Yes,” he agreed. Just as he said this he froze the air around the paper and they shot downward suddenly, too quick to follow. Just as fast, they shot straight back up again, thin shards now a deep sheen of red. No one knew what had happened until the little boy dropped to the ground, the deep cut in the top of his head too thin to bleed profusely. Two other witnessed fell in an instant death.17
There was a moment of dumb silence until the boy’s mother cried out. The large-bellied man looked utterly confused for a second until he squinted up at the dancing red paper. Just as realisation rippled across his upturned face, the shards shot down again. Arkyn watched with a calculating eye as the big man collapsed along with two others. People tried to run inside, but his paper was too quick for them; striking over and over until everyone in sight lay like a carpet of corpses in the street. 18
Surveying the area to make sure no one was missed, Arkyn was finally satisfied. He didn’t bother stopping to pick up supplies on his way out; there was always the next town. Arkyntesh continued unhurriedly on his way, three limp, bloody strips of paper fluttering down behind him.19
Author notes
Hmm, well I did say this was dark.
My favourite food is white chocolate
Believe it or not, Arkyn's one of the good guys in this story O.o
Yaaaaaaaaay I finally figured out how to begin 'House of Books'! This may be a prologue, but it's actually set a few years into the future in regards to when the main story begins. This means I'll be able to show just what happened to Arkyntesh to make him so horrible. Poor Arkyn! He doesn't get a very happy life....
Please tell me what you think; I'd love to hear it... and let me know if you find a mistake or if a sentence that doesn't makes sense, etc.
No Untitled post today, but rest assured I won't abandon it in pursuit of another story.... I love all of them equally.... and besides, I would die if I couldn't finish Untitled. xD
Please comment!
Eph
In a list
A contest entry
- Beginnings -prologues or chapter one- by Forgotten Anomaly.
875 points, ended July 2, 2008, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - MORE FANTASTIC FANTASY! by WritersEffigy.
500 points, ended October 24, 2008, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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Wow. Awesome prologue.
The use of the three pieces of paper rather surprised me. Cool but creepy, haha. Interesting character and plot. I can't wait to read more. Arkyn seems kind of evil - he killed the poor boy! Well, they are at war, I suppose.
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that was full of really good description and written extremely well. I didnt find any mistakes, but I wasnt looking for them either. I enjoyed it; its the start of a good plot- and it was really captivating.
I wasnt sure what to make of Arkyn- he was interesting; but I couldnt decide if I liked him or not. -
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! ^^
That's ok, if you're not sure about Arkyn; he's not supposed to be a character that's necessarily a good or bad guy, so it's consequently going to be hard to decide if you're on his side or not
Thanks for reading!!
Eph
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THAT WAS SO COOL!
WOW!, I loved reading about Arkyn and his life, (Poor deadly guy) and that whole paper flying in the air then killing three people at once is so cool!, what a great idea!!!.
I didn't notice any spelling mistakes but it doesn't really matter to me I was so caught up in the story itself which is the important part... Capture your audience attention!.
Lol I'm going to reading the one I think goes next?? Lol.
Xoxo Serebear Keep Smiling the greatest writer eva!
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xD
Thanks so much <3 <3 <3
I'm so glad you liked this; I thought you might like House of Books ^^ Yayyyyyyy!
And yeah, I was really trying to 'capture the audience's attention' with this prologue. Thanks for noticing
Thanks so so much, Serebear!!
Eph
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i thought i was awsome, but then again im insane so who knows!
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Hmmm......
I felt a bit lost here. Fantasy isn't my genre, so I had a problem adjusting to this. My main concern was that I couldn't identify with the main character at all. I liked the way you kept me guessing why the papers were following him, and it was a revelation how he used them, but that was all that surprised me.
I felt that the character was not merely cut from cardboard, but that there was no real development, no attempt to make him one you could identify with. Ok, you told us about his history, which would have been better if you had painted the picture from his point of view. A flashback, seperated from the present reality, like a little vignette, would probably have drawn me in more.
A little tip here; do look carefully at your tenses. Writing as a narrator is harder than you may appreciate, because it's easy for the author to be drawn into the story's development without realising it. this leads to switching between tenses, and you did this throughout the story. if you like, I am prepared to do a para by para correction/suggestion critique, if you think this will help. -
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Hmm, I'm sorry if you couldn't identify with the main character... Although this was partly intentional. You see, I think that a main character should either be interesting because they're easy for the reader to understand and relate to, or interesting because the reader can't understand them at all. It's intriguing.
I wanted to sort of... alienate him from the rest of the world in this prologue. I wasn't attempting to make the reader understand him, but simply to be interested in him. I was also not trying to answer questions, but rather give the reader questions to ask that could be answered later in the story. (The next chapter is set before this scene, so the story leads up to why Arkyn is the person he is.)
Oh, but I am sorry about the tenses. ^^ I was writing two stories at once when I wrote this. This part of House of Books was in third person, past tense, and my other story was in first person, present tense. I didn't want to always write in the same way. I guess I'll have to go back through and edit again...
Anyway, the purpose of this prologue was to throw the reader into a world where they had no idea what was going on or why, and then make them want to know more. For this reason, I don't think I'll change the structure of this chapter at your suggestion, however, your advice on grammar, etc. would be much appreciated if you are willing to take the time.
Thanks for reading! ^^
Eph
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strange, i think
wow, that was gripping. I cant wait to read the next one, that gripped me all the way, a truly excellent way to begin a story, I wish I could begin stories like that, ahh well, well done -
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Thankyou very much. ^^ I checked out your profile to read some of your work in return and saw that you're new to SW, so welcome!
Eph
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this is good and a tiny bit creepy
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That's what I was going for, lol Thanks for commenting!
Eph
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Well you have some of the most interesting ways of killing people don't you? I just re-read this for the contest. makes so much more sence now but its hard to believe he becomes that -evil- no that's not the right word demented perhaps. Thank you for joining my contest and good luck!
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Lol, yeah. I used this prologue so that throughout the entire story the reader knows he's going to turn evil. Thanks for commenting again, lol
Eph
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This is really good, I can't believe I haven't read this before!
I hope he really is one of the good guys, I wouldn't like to get on the bad side of him!
This is a really well-written story, its very creative, and it really pulled me in-and as you know, I'm not usually into fantasy. I don't know why, but I got the landscape of Dragonquest in my mind when you described the town, I don't know why.....it's not a bad thing, don't worry!
This is definately sometihng I will be reading more of, its brilliant! You are definately one of the more talented writers on this site, in my humble opinion!
~Mirry xxx
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Wow, thankyou so much! I've never heard of Dragonquest, but thanks I'm glad you liked my work; maybe I'll put your Connor story on my list of things to read as well. Take me out of my own usual reading material
Again, thanks heaps! <3
Eph
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Good start,
This is something i'd definately be interested in reading, I really did want to know why Arkyn was like that, it seems like a new idea and I loved the whole three pieces of paper flying thing, did they all die from fatal paper cuts? I do agree with a below comment, the title certainly doesn't give us an idea of the story, but I did enjoy this and will soon go on to read the first chapter.
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Lol!! Fatal papercuts = funny
The title becomes more relevant later. Thanks for commenting
Eph
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In return for commenting on my story!
First off I'm sorry if I'm long winded, but I'm used to another sight wher comments are typically longer.
First off I'd like to mentionion that Illian- notice th spelling change- is a city in the wheel of time books by robert jordan.
Secondly, I though that ths was fairly good. The ending was the best! killing people with paper. nice touch. However the beginning was somwhat rough and nees a little smting out. Overall I think it does a nice job of making the reader want more.
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All good; long comments rule
O.o Crap. That is bad. Well, my place is actually called Ilia (no 'n') so.... Eee? I've never read wheel of time, but my older brother has, so I've heard of them. Ooops....
Thankyou ^^ Prologues = kewl. Anyways, this was my first draft (just like everything else I post on SW) because my brain always wants to just keep writing instead of going back to fix stuff Once I've finished the entire story, I'll go back through.
Thankyou for your comment <3
Eph
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Thought I should read this before the first chapter, lol. Interesting but it didn't really suck me in, so onto the first chapter I go.
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Thanks for the comment! Be nice though..... chapter 1 is.... well, rough.
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Wow this was a really good story that left me wanting more. The story's mysterious and definetly leaves much to be answered. I like the idea of killing people with paper- that was very creative and well written. You have a great flow and great talent- keep writing!
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Thanks ^^ I think prologues are meant to do that; pull the reader in and make them want to answer all the questions that arise. Yay! <3
Eph
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You have really caught my attention. Very creative, and it left me wanting more. I hope you'll tell me when you post the next part.
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Sure, I definitely will! ^^
Thanks for commenting
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And this started as a dream, if I remember right. You have some really weird dreams. This is dark, he killed people with paper, that's new. Can't wait tell the next part, I'll have to follow two stories now.
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Weird dreams? That's an understatement. But it makes sleeping a whole lot more entertaining
I didn't dream this scene; but I dreamt the main part of the storyline. I got the idea of killing people this way when I was sitting with my friends at lunch and we saw a piece of paper floating high in the sky.... somehow my brain connected that to, 'Oh, maybe there's someone with telekinesis around here and is about to kill us all.'
As you do ^^"
Lol thanks for reading both my ongoing stories
Eph
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Good story
I can't say I feel sorry for your main character at this point. You left a lot open questions in the story. I wondered why they didn't kill Arkntesh along with his mother. You might want to explain how he escaped. Keep writing.
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Lol! You're right, it's hard to feel any sympathy for him right now. That's why I like his character so much; it's from his point of view so maybe I can get readers to understand how he became this way and that he's not heartless - just very, very troubled
You're right; I did leave a lot of questions in this. I like my prologues to be dreamlike: No explanation - you just have to sit there and watch things happen and hopefully understand it later as the pieces fall into place.
Arkyn's escape is in the next chapter. Maybe I'll feature that chapter so that, if you're interested, you can read it.
Thanks for the comment!
Eph
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Wow, very interesting... The writing and the story makes me want to read more! I want to know Arkntesh's story. How could he kill so many people and not seem to care? He's such an interesting main character... Tell me when you continue, if you can. Thank you for writing! Hope your days are bright.
Tsubasa
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Hmm, yeah Arkyn is pretty messed-up There are a lot of reasons for his being the way he is. I'll be sure to tell you when I add the next post for this, cos I love comments ^^
Eph
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