Lightning from the Dark Cloud; pt. 7: Luna Navigation

A moth bashes incessantly against the glaring lightbulb: my soul bashes incessantly against the light I once knew: now I only crack my exoskeleton. Have my thoughts always worked in such sinful circles against me. God seems so far away now. God has abandoned me for my sins, and without him near I can no longer understand him. That must be it. God is so far away. The light turns off and the moth flies from the room. The priest sees a hand move from the lightswitch and adjust a starched collar: Brother Thomas.1

Brother Thomas: (with ashen face) I was told to come and try to speak to you. Are you okay?2

The Priest: (thankful) I feel a little better now.3

Brother Thomas: (School councillor, condescending) So what happened in there? You can tell me.4

Thoughts flutter into walls. 5

-I just…the heat in the church, and the smoke from the censers….Adam and Eve fell, they were cast away. Exiles.6

Brother Thomas: (worried) You’re not making any sense. Just think through what you’re going to say.7

-I feel as if I have been cast away. I have sinned – and I feel that God has put me from his side.8

Brother Thomas: (comforting, reassuring) I am sure that God has not cast you out. Is your sin great?9

-Yes, it is. And yet, I don’t know why anymore. I fear that my soul is moving from God: I feel I have lost sight of him.10

Brother Thomas: (aside) The sin is great: Now I have him! I saw him on the roof, I know what he did. He will fall - I shall rise. (Kindly) Why do you feel you have lost sight of God? Surely it is God you should turn to in times of need.11

-I know, and in previous times it has always been Him who I turned to but…it’s different now. I find no solace in this God anymore. My mind keeps questioning itself. That is what happened today, I couldn’t stop thinking about every detail of the sermon in circles and then suddenly the whole thing seemed so….futile. I…it was too much12

Brother Thomas: (aside) O, he is a sinful creature; I can see the black of his soul! I will oust him and take his place. (surprised) Futile? The mass, you mean?13

-I mean the whole religion! I cannot see the why of God anymore. It once seemed natural that we should worship God in this way, that I should live in this way but, now... why should we be punished for our humanity? I can’t understand anymore – why would God want me locked up in this old building where its cold and lonely? Why must I serve like a slave. I will not serve – I cannot.14

Brother Thomas: (aside) He takes the words straight out of Lucifer’s mouth! I shall pry him further for the exactitudes of his sin. (from above) Father, those are sinful thoughts indeed! Did Lucifer not say non serviam? We must be punished for our sins for they offend the eyes of God. We must be servants of God for he is worthy of our devotion.15

-Why?16

Brother Thomas: (easy answer) Because God created the heavens and the earth and all of us, surely that is worthy of-17

-No, I mean why would God need servitude? What does God have to gain by us moulding our lives around abstinence and smallness? Is it to appease God’s vanity, Thomas?18

Brother Thomas: (outraged) O, father you go to far. God could not feel vanity. Vanity is a sin. Does God sin?19

- No…no. But why then? Perhaps I shouldn’t need to know, but I do.20

Brother Thomas: (consoling) We cannot reason out God, he is perfect and we are flawed. We cannot know his designs, can we?21

We cannot know, that’s the best we have. Thomas saw the Priest’s face droop and gleaned defeat and acceptance.22

Brother Thomas: (an orgasm of righteousness) We are all weak, sometimes. Do not feel bad; just repent to God for your sins of pride and doubt and blasphemy and you will feel a burden lift.23

He has never liked me, this Thomas, and I feel he is working some point now, some motive: all his talk moves in magnetic orbit around it. I think he and I want the same thing.24

The Priest: (overcome with emotion) I feel afraid to repent. I am ashamed. I was watching (tense pause) young girls in the courtyard and I (emotive pause) desired them.25

Brother Thomas: (victorious) Did you commit acts of impurity…with yourself?
Tears trickle down the priest’s cheeks, trying to hide the shame of his flesh.26

The Priest: (flinchingly) Yes.27

Brother Thomas: That is a terrible sin, indeed (aside) He is gone! (melancholy, wise) Perhaps it would be best if you left. It would be terrible to see you go but it would help avoid a scandal in the parish, and you could avoid the shame.28

-Yes, I think that would be best. It shall be sad to leave it behind, though. So many years.29

Thomas promised a bond of silence. The priest accepted the promise knowing it would be broken, but not caring: theirs was an insular parish. Thomas left the room in silence.30

Through the window a moth flies free: guided flawlessly by the light of the moon.31