Lightning from the Dark Cloud; pt. 5: Diaphane

The priest’s sin, the one which tormented him the most, was the sin of desire. He had watched the young girls from the roof and fantasised about them. He wasn’t a paedophile. It was just that they were so youthful, so innocent. He was still a virgin, having joined the priesthood at a young age and not wanting to spoil himself before God. He felt intimidated by the experience of women his own age, and their cold eyes. He would be embarrassed by his own sexual ineptitude; otherwise he may have seduced someone instead of masturbating over girls in the church courtyard. He knew that his desires were sins and yet he didn’t feel that they were wrong. He was beginning for the first time in his life to seriously doubt his vocation.
Thoughts ran through his mind as he gave the sermon on Adam and Eve. They were cast from the garden for a sin. Theirs was not a sin of the flesh like mine but a sin of the mind, like that of Lucifer. He wanted to be God’s equal and refused servitude, and so he was cast down. Adam and Eve were made with knowledge only of good. They ate from the tree of knowing good and evil to expand their knowledge, to introduce dichotomy to their lives. And they fell. Knowledge: Sin. God punished Adam and Eve and all humanity for this original sin. Adam and Eve brought sin into the world. They were punished for breaking the diaphane of knowledge just as Lucifer broke the diaphane of pride. Humility and simplicity: virtues. Pride and knowledge: sin.
God knew, though, that Adam and Eve would sin and so why did he bother testing them? God knew Lucifer would try to rise and so why did he endure him?
God punishes mankind for a sin He knew would be committed, mankind gains knowledge of good and evil along with the threat of Hell. Lucifer abides in Hell for an intellectual sin and tortures damned souls for sins of the flesh. Why? Why would God need a Hell? Why would God feel it necessary that humanity abide by His rules? What could God possibly gain by having sinners, who He knew would sin, burning for eternity in Hell at the hands of a rebellious angel. Then Christ is born and redeems humanity, he takes the weight of our sins on his shoulders so that we may be forgiven. Mankind needs someone like this because we cannot be pure: we are sin, the world is sin, our very lives are sin. But this doesn’t matter because God will forgive us. All we need to do is to serve. Servitude is the key. To sin and to be forgiven: every repentance followed by a new sin for which to repent: locked in. A world plan to sort humanity into wheat and chaff initiated by God, who knows the wheat from the chaff before the threshing: futile. The world: life, pain, pleasure, love, sex, joy, tears all add up to sin. Desire: sin. Hands. Caress. Sin. The impenetrable weight of sin, forgiven a thousandfold for a futile self-glorifying God. The world, and everything in it made simply to the glory of God and signifying nothing more. He had always seen things this way but now the idea seemed repulsive and ludicrous. The sinfulness of his own thoughts became too much for him. The immensity of the shift in his mind weighed down and squeezed his brain into a blackout. Nullified, he dreamt of childhood: going to church with his mother’s hand holding his and God in the rafters stroking his hair. He had lost sight of that time. Forever.1

Parishioner’s sit in tired clothes on cold pews. 2

God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness.” 3

The priest’s voice trembles slightly as his lips form words to float over his solemn audience. "The Lord God made Adam and Eve and made a place for them to live, it was a garden called Eden. In the garden God planted every tree that is pleasing to the eye and good for food" – Incense burns in the censers and clouds of ash float down to the floor, perspiration becomes visible on the priest’s face – "He also planted the tree of life, and in the centre of the garden God planted the tree of knowing good and evil." 4

And the Lord God charged Adam, “You may eat freely from every tree in the garden; but do not eat from the tree of knowing good and evil; for the day you eat from it you will certainly die.” 5

Parishioners grow uncomfortable as the priest’s face becomes strange with inner concentration. "Adam and Eve did eat from the tree, though, foolishly desiring more knowledge and so God punished them; he cast them out of the garden and cursed the ground so that it would not yield much food and cursed Eve so that she would suffer greatly in childbirth and so death and sin were introduced to the world. This was the original sin." The priest is visibly shaking now. His eyes see parishioners turning to each other, their tongues splashing confusion on their neighbours faces while words escape his mouth seemingly against his will. "But in Christ we are offered redemption for He was pierced for our transgressions; He was bruised for our iniquities and with His stripes we are healed. Through Jesus the sins that are our nature can be forgiven." The priest's eyes roll back in his head and he slumps. An altar boy helping to carry him off swears he sees the devil and light in the priest’s eyes. Bacchus.
They lay the priest on a bench in the sacristy. He feels feverish and does not respond to their voices.6

-Get Brother Thomas to come and try to talk to him.7

A moth bashes incessantly into the light hanging above the priest’s head. 8