Katie was a regular girl, not very popular but not a nerd. She had many friends and was always nice to everyone. Katie was smart and the teachers appreciated having her in their class. Katie always had a smile on her face, until that day when the smile simply faded away. It vanished, and never reappeared. The school was never the same again and neither was she.
It was Katie's seventeenth birthday, June 8. She walked to school in a great mood. Katie was wearing the cutest outfit, skinny jeans with a white Ruehl shirt. As she walked down the halls, everyone stared at her. Katie was blushing as she walked by the boy she had a crush on since sixth grade. As she opened her locker, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around and saw Jack, her crush.
For a couple of seconds she just stood there, staring at him. He was smiling and finally said "You look really pretty today". Katie, her cheeks as red as blood, replied "Thanks, I had to look good for you". This exchange of compliments continued for another 10 minutes. Then he got closer to her, and gave her a kiss. It was so passionate, Katie just giggled. Jack then slipped a note in her pocket and walked away, waving a friendly goodbye.
Katie watched as he slowly made his way to his class. Just as she closed her locker, the bell rang. "Oh great! Now I am going to be late for math!" Katie said softly. She knew Ms. Englard hated when students were late. As Katie trudged to her class, she was deep in thought. The thoughts raced through her mind like bullets. She wanted to relive that moment of her life that had just occurred.
As Katie entered Ms. Englard's room, she flashed an apologetic smile at the teacher. "Go take your seat" is the reply she got. As Katie sat down behind her best friend, Sarah, she took out the note from her pocket. She embraced it and gave it a kiss, she imagined it was Jack's lips touching her again.
"Wierdo is in the house!" Sarah said with a curious smile on her face. "I'll tell you after class" she told Sarah. Sarah looked at the clock and signaled thirty minuted until the end of class. Katie gave Sarah a thumbs up and opened the note.
A smile sneak up on her as her eyes read the words. "Let me see!" Sarah whispered to Katie. Katie was in her own dreamland and didn't even her Sarah. She just imagined the rest of her life with Jack. Her thoughts were interrupted when the bell rang, signaling that it was the end of class. Katie picked up her bag and walked to the door. Just as she was about to leave class, Sarah pulled her by the arm and demanded that she was told the whole story.
Katie smiled and decided to talk about her lucky day. She told Sarah everything form the time she got out of bed from to the time she read the note. "Oh my gosh! I want to read the note! Sarah exclaimed. "Fine, here you go." Katie replied, handing the note to Sarah.
"Dear Katie, meet me at the science room after school at 4:00 sharp! Do not be late, I'll be waiting. Kisses, Jack." Sarah read out loud. Sarah turned to Katie with a smile on her face and then burst out into laughter. "Katie! I can not believe this is actually happening! I am so happy for you!" Sarah said. "Thanks, I am really happy that after all these years I finally got him! What a wonderful birthday present!" Katie told Sarah.
4:00 came quicker then expected. Katie made sure to be in front of the science room right when school let out. She waited patiently until Jack came. "Hey baby" he said. Katie just smiled. " I want to show you something, follow me." Jack said, grabbing Katie's arm and pulling her towards his blue Jeep SUV. "Why are you bringing me here Jack?" Katie said with worry in her voice. Jack pushed her into the back and got into the dirver's seat. He drove off into the streets. Katie was too shocked to do anything about what was happening. When they finally reached the location, a warehouse, it was already late into the night. Jack grabbed Katie and threw her into the warehouse. He pulled her to the sofa where he undressed her. "Please, stop!" Katie told him. He didn't reply. Before she knew it, Katie was undressed and so was he. He began to touch her in places she never thought were possible. She cried for help, but no one was around to hear. Tears streamed down her face. She was being raped and there was nothings he could do about it. Jack was stronger then she and could do anything.
After a couple of hours, Jack stopped and told her to get dressed. She quickly pulled on her clothes and sat still, tears making their way out of her eyes. "If you ever tell anyone about this I will murder your brother, and you know I will Katie. Do not mess with me. You have no clue of what I am capable of doing." Jack told Katie in a threatening voice. Katie just nodded and got into the car.
By the time Katie reached her house it was about midnight. Her mom was awake and furious when Katie walked in the door. "Where in the world were you child! You had me worried sick!" Katie's mom said in a low whisper as to not wake up Katie's brother. "Sorry mom, I was out...celebrating I guess you could say. I am really tired. May I go up to my room?" Katie said, trying to hide the pain. "Fine, we will talk about this behavior of yours tomorrow after school." Katie's mom said on her way to her room. Katie climbed up the steps and went to her room. She snuggled under the covers and cried herself to sleep.
Katie's alarm clock rung at 6:00 a.m. Katie got dressed and walked to school, she took the long way. When Katie entered the school, everyone stared at her. "As if they know what happened" Katie thought to herself. The reason everyone was looking at her was because something was missing, her smile. Her beautiful smile. It disappeared and was gone forever. 1
Author notes
I'm 12
I'm a girl!! =]
N/A
I finished it!! lol..=] I could not spend much time on it because my teachers are pounding me with homework... you know how middle school is..=[...
Well, I hope you enjoyed it anyways!!
Great Contest BTW!! I hope you get a lot of entries! =)
=]
Love always,
-Ripley
A contest entry
- Options Again... by On.Cue.
404 points, ended March 30, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
-SO-? =
Comments
-
In the first paragraph, you had too many choppy, short sentences, and you had too many of "Katie is" this and that repeating over and over again. You can correct both these problems by combining sentences to create a more fluent and composed story.
This is problems that a number of people run into:
Always, always, always give quotes or thoughts by any of your characters a separate line! You can type a quote and write 2 or 3 more sentences after to complete the image when the character said that quote, but you should never let it run on into a paragraph or start one in the middle of one. And never put two quotes said by two different people in the same paragraph. To go along with this, "You look really pretty today". Should be "You look really pretty today." Punctuation goes inside the quote most of the time. And always remember that there will be some type of punctuation or -- mark before a closing quotation mark is placed! You have many quotations in here that have no punctuation.
Simple spelling errors. Reading over can fix these easily.
This is another problem I see often: verb tense. Keep the same verb tense throughout. "...she flashed an apologetic smile..."Go take your seat" (which should have a comma after 'seat') is the reply she got. Since your story began in past tense, you need to have that 'is' to was.
Sometimes a wordy sentence is useful to make it descriptive and what not. But don't use unnecessary words when you don't need them for any reason whatsoever.
Adverbs and adjectives! Know when to use them and when not to!
Commas. Those darn commas have so many rules, but you should know general ones.
Capitalization.
The ending part about the rape and after was extremely bland and lacking many emotions and imagery. Definitely work on that. As for the conversations, they are pretty unrealistic towards the end in both the way it’s said and the content that is being sad.
I enjoy the plot of this—it is very alluring for the readers and an easy/quick read.
“The reason everyone was looking at her was because something was missing, her smile. Her beautiful smile. It disappeared and was gone forever.” This was awesome by the way.
Sorry about the never ending list of errors in your story, but that’s what I do. Some people take this as being harsh and pointless, but some take the advice and use it to their advantage to improve your writing. Some are just used to my comments, because they tend to be specific in a way. I suggest that you read what I said above and go through your story to find places where those things happened and fix them.

