Why I Said Goodbye

The day started like any other day with the man I am forced to call dad John, and his wife Rena who I am forced to call mom. You and Rena told Brian and I to visit with grandma and grandpa when we were over there.1

Rena demands, “Keep in mind, your not just going over there to listen to music or play pool. You can always do that here. Your going over there to visit.”2

Then I said, “I will.”3

Once we arrived I tried to do as you told me to Rena. I sat at on the couch of the living room watching T.V and talking to them.4

My grandma looks over at me and says, “You know you can go listen to your music.”5

Then I admitted, “Rena said I’m supposed to visit with you two, and not listen to my music.”6

Then they turn to me and give me funny looks and grandma says, “When you’re here, you don’t need to worry about what she says. Go have fun.”7

So I do, I turned to my brother Brian and asked, “Want to go play pool?”8

“Sure, you sure its okay?” Brian asks.9

“Grandma and grandpa said it was.” I tell him.10

We play our game of slop pool until Brian gets down to the eight ball then he starts calling the shots. Every miss he gets gives me another try, but I only get one once in a while. Before I know it the eight ball goes in the pocket.11

After the game we start another one. Only to have Brian win that one also. As we set up for the third game grandpa hollers down from the laundry shoot, “Brian, Tracy, time for supper!”12

Brian and I put the pool sticks away and the balls in the pockets. Then we make sure all the lights are turned off before we head up the basement stairs for supper. As we sit down for supper grandma tells us, “We’ll be dropping you off at John’s and Rena’s.13

After supper we all get ready for bed. As I lay in the bed my Brooks and Dunn tape playing in the background I fall into a deep sleep. Only to awake the next morning already here, and sun shining.14

Brian and I got our things packed and ready to back to John’s and Rena’s so they could take us home. After grandma and grandpa got us there and had left, all hell breaks loose.15

“Didn’t I tell you to visit with your grandparents!” Rena shouts at me.16

As she continues to yell at me I wish to be somewhere else. All to quickly she shouts, “Don’t you roll your eyes at me.”17

“I didn’t.” is all I can say. 18

I looked away again, suddenly pain erupts on my the side of my face. Knocking me almost to the floor and the sting of it tells me it will leave a mark. Tears run down my face but I refuse to give her the satisfaction of seeing my pain.19

I run out of the living room of the trailer and into what is my bedroom. I then slam the door shut and place a foam mattress between the door and me. Afraid that either the man I call dad or his wife will come in to hit me again I cry.20

When the time comes for us to leave Rena says to me, “I don’t want you sitting behind me, you sit behind your dad. If I do see you I’ll be tempted to hit you.”21

The trust in my birth father John is completely gone. In my mind I picture what if he had defended me against her? What if he didn‘t let her get to far with put downs? And finally I wonder if I could have been a better child.22

I don’t feel safe until I’m home in the arms of my real mom. Its in her arms I cry even harder then I had at the trailer. That day my entire life changed, I no longer wanted anything to do with my birth father.23

***
I say goodbye today to John and Rena. It is not because I love you, or feel I have to say it, but it is something I need to do. I need to say goodbye so my heart will be pure once more to the love I more then deserve.24

The love and cherish I never got from you. It seems now all I got were lies, hate, threats, and fear. The fear of doing something wrong in your eyes and lies were your favorites to give to me.25

So I said goodbye, this is the last you’ll hear of me. Of all my annoying words, see you don’t have to see me again, because remember you told me once, “If you say goodbye, your dead to us.”26

You’ve had years to call us to see me again. I guess that last conversation is true, I am dead. You used me as a pawn for your own games, then denied everything about it. The truth is here, now you and everyone may know why I said goodbye.