Only an hour until darkness came. No one was out, and I had to find him fast. I ran through the empty streets, the street lights already flickering on. “Danny!” I called. I didn’t dare call again. I heard movement to my right and stopped; it was only a rat. Then the sounds came. A shrieking, horrible sound; with wailing like there was no tomorrow! And thumps- thump a bump; thump, thump,; thump a bump. Those noises always horrified me the most. I looked at my watch. “Oh, shit!” Less than half an hour.1
I started running again; this time with a notion in my head of his whereabouts. I whizzed past the Market, where I noticed some abandoned crackers laying on the side of the street. These were hard times- no one would do that...would they? I proceeded over these crackers and past the Council house. I then skidded into a dark alley and climbed the only ladder that hung onto the wall like it was about to be thrown off. “Danny?” I whispered? At the top of the ladder, the door to the small crawlspace was open, so I knew he was in there. Nobody else knew about it. “Thank god you’re in here. I couldn’t find you anywhere!”2
The sounds grew louder and more distinct; the sun falling lower and lower. I heard a whimper; a whimper that did not sound like my brother. I crawled over to the body and looked it over. The leg was broken, and there was blood everywhere. I had a bad feeling about tonight. Just looking at the blood made me sick. The persons head moved and I could see the face clearly. What I saw made me even more sick. It was a face of a girl.3
My stomach came into my mouth and I had to lean out the door to spit it out. Watching the reddish-brown stuff slowly fall to the ground, I was thinking that Danny was still out there and I could do nothing about it. I had to close the door now, or else the girl and I would be killed. I didn’t really care anymore; now that Danny wasn’t here. But I…I had to look over the girl for Danny’s sake. She obviously was brought here by him.4
When the first sunlight appeared, I was out of there. I would be back for the girl, but I had to see if there was any chance that he could have survived. I ran all over City, and somehow other people could sense my worry, and started running with me. We, as City, became alive, as one. There weren't many of us left, not because of them. But we became one, and with that, I was grateful. I still had family, if not kin, left in the world.5
We couldn’t find him. Danny was lost- most likely forever. Another one taken this month; that makes three. Unlucky three. We would most certainly be talking about this at the Council meeting tonight. I was going to propose that we go to war. We might not have everything on our side, but surely we cannot just let City be taken from us?6
As I climbed back into the crawlspace, I noticed that the girl was awake. “H-hello.” She said. I just looked at her and then sunk down onto the floor. “W-where’s Danny?" She asks me. Anger just bursts out of me. “God DAMN it!” I say, as I slam my head against the wall. “You’re the last one to see him; why don’t you know???!!”7
I closed my eyes, but when I heard sniffling, I turned to look at her. “Look, what’s your name?” I ask. “Melanie…” She responds with a tear rolling down her cheek. “I’m Jake.” I sigh and roll my neck to crack it. It doesn’t work. For the first time, I notice that she has breasts- which means she is fourteen years plus. She seemed to notice I was wondering, and told me, “I’m sixteen. Danny told me you’re a year older…Danny-?”8
I turned away because this time I knew what she was wondering. I finally just said, “I don’t know.” There was a slight chance, but… “Most likely, he’s dead.” I had a whole lot of trouble saying this, especially since it was my fault. I should have believed that he wasn't going to be okay, even if he said he was. He was only nine. I should have been a parent to him, and said no. I should have said come home straight after studies were over. Instead I let him roam around, and they got him. A mistake on my part- the worst, I believe, anyone has ever made in City.9
I went to the rear of the crawlspace and got us some crackers to eat for breakfast. When I returned, I accidentally moved her broken leg and she winced involuntarily. I apologized, and then said, “Sooo…what happened?” And this is what she said...10
“I was walking to the market to get some more crackers for me and Jane, when I noticed a purple blur on the side of the road. I knew I shouldn’t have gone over there, but I was curious. It couldn’t hurt me in broad daylight, right? And the sun hurt it, right? So why was it even out??!!! Next thing I knew, I heard voices screaming and yelling and then blackness. I thought I was dead.11
“Then I wake up in those flower gardens. You know, the ones by the market? Anyway, I wake up there with Danny standing over me. He told me that I was very foolish to go up to them, that I knew I could have been killed. I probably would have been, too, if he hadn’t well, can you keep a secret? I suppose you already know, since you’re his brother and everything, but, he said he had developed a way to kill them, but I wasn’t to tell nobody-he was going to tell them at the meeting tonight.12
“And then he helped me get to your crawlspace because it was almost dark, and my leg was broken, and it was closer than mine. Then he said he wouldn’t be back until morning, and I’m like what??!!!! I have a feeling…that he went out there to fight them. And even if he won or lost, that they know it, and that they’re going to take it to a whole new level.”13
I looked at her and thought she was crazy. Danny, finding a way to kill them? And then not telling me about it?? But I realized that she was right. He had been very secretive lately, and had a bunch of bruises and scratches for no apparent reason. And I’m proud of Danny for fighting- no more cowards. I looked at her more closely, trying to remember her name, and then remembered where I had seen here before. She delivered the animals to the field outside City. “Melanie, but call me Mel.” she said. I looked at her with surprise. “Are you psychic or something?” I asked14
“I don’t tell this to a lot of people, but I think you should be one. Yes, I am.” She said in a sarcastic voice. “So if there is anything you want to tell me, tell me now…” and she started laughing. I joined in. I could tell by her sarcastic voice that she wasn't really psychic; only had a special gift of looking and seeing what the person was really asking by their eyes. It must get really annoying sometimes. 15
As we laughed when our world fell apart, I heard scratching outside. Someone was coming up the ladder. But who? And then there was nothing but ragged breathing, a short cry out which I knew immediately, and a crash on the ground-like the person on the way up to the crawlspace just fell off. I scrambled to the edge and saw to my happiness and sorrow, my brother, lying in a pile of my almost-dried stomach spit up from the night before. I came down the ladder as fast as I could and when I saw the condition he was in, I knew he had done it. We were in a war.16
Author notes
COMMENT (plz?)
This is part one of many more parts to come...
- New members group group list • next in list
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
aaahhhh
very detailed and extremely good.... what is it that is attacking them?? the begining drew me into the story -
Very nice.
You sould go into more detail. The detail is what wants us to read more. And a readstory line lol
But i also agree with the title "City Under Siege" like letsplay1.
Keep up the good work.
-
Good start
I think you need to add more details. Your story could go in any direction. A good title might be "City Under Siege" Take some time to develop your characters so we care about what happens to them. Keep writing.
-
Like the idea, not too keen on the structure; too much like mere reportage. The opening is fine, but I get the uncomfortable feeling that it has been padded while you think of a new direction. The authorial first person probably won't stand alone; there are too many impondrables for it to be written in the present tense. Maybe it needs the layering that comes from making it a story seen through three or four sets of eyes, in which case the "I" would be moveable, and the style would have to alter to suit the character.
I don't think I'd give it a name till you know precisely where it's going, and how it's going to get there. I suspect that the persona of melanie, and even Danny could be worth exploring; write some of it through their eyes.
It might be no bad thing to give the so-far un-named enemies a voice, a motive for their actions, and a slant on their world view; written sympathetically, this could split the vote into who is the hero and who is the villain. -
If you keep on working on this basis you will really get far. Perhaps look at your sentences and how they are structured.
Carry on writing because I am interested in reading more.
-
Okay,okay. I was going to explain that Mel wasn't really psychic, as in "She said in a sarcastic voice." but a lot of people think that she really IS one, and that its a good idea. What do you think?
Don't worry, all. I'm reading all your comments and once they all stop flowing in I'll repair the story =D -
<
Well, I dooo read Harry Potter, but I get lost in the story, not the way things are spelled like some people..."but she spelled colour wrong" haha lol -
Hmmm
I had real trouble trying to follow this. Your sentence structure is uneven. I would definitely re-look at how this was written. For instance, it helps to build suspense when you make a new paragraph everytime you go from someone speaking, to something happening, or someone else speaking. Your first paragraph probably could have been broken up into three paragraphs. Take your time, flesh out your idea's. Don't be worried about it boring people, because some people like me think the journey is more important than the destination. I read books often to just get lost in the language. Your story idea is good, but the originality in those ideas is really going to come from the details-the little things you decide to add.
Think of your story in three parts--your sad suspenseful what's going on part, and then add, and add, and add, until you make just that part as long as your whole story is now. Then do the same with your middle back story, and then do the same with your resolution.
Something that might help you with pacing. Read something proffesional as you think about your own story. Pay attention to the details. Read a paragraph or two of a book you love, and think only of how the characters are explained, and the atmosphere is built, then close it. Take your story a paragraph at a time, and just do the same with your story. It's just an exercise, but it has helped me when I was struggling.
This has a lot a potential. Just keeping working on it, and good luck to you. -
Disappearing
Interesting plot. Definitely would read more. Danny reappearing could be built up more; it moves too fast to appreciate the drama of the moment. So does finding out that Mel's a psychic. Also, her story about what happened is very awkward in telling, and doesn't at all seem like real dialog. -
Fair
Paragraph 1: surely you can find another way to say the redunant sentance "ran through the empty streets" and still keep the same allure - or even bring more to it.
Paragraph 2: What are these "sounds?" Describe them to us.
Paragraph 6: Eliminate the last sentance and use it later as dialogue. It does not fit here as well as you think.
Paragraph 7: Extreme overuse of punctuation. Don't do that. Also be aware of your grammar and spelling here. E.g. "noticed", "Danny?", "Goddamn".
Also, when dialogue shifts from one character to another, start a new paragraph.
Paragraph 9: Flow seems disrupted here. "I had a whole lot of trouble..." et al. This could be worded differently. Also, remove the word "whole" entirely. The phrase "a whole lot" is not professional and will not be published.
"Paragraph" 10: Remove the double space; it gives the impression of a change of scene.
Paragraph 11: Remove the last sentance. Make the transition from narration to dialogue more passive.
Paragraph 15: Be mindful of tense.
Following paragraphs: It reads very rushed, as if you tried to shove it all in at the last minute. Not a good idea typically. Space out your writing, take your time. After you finish a good section, set it aside and leave it alone for a while (2-3 months works well). Then come back and review it; you'll see things in a different light. Edit and add to the story, then repeat.
Overall, it's not ready to be published. It's too short, there's a serious lack of deatil and description, and there is no emotional connection to any part of the story. The world is a blur as are the creatures and the people there. Readers cannot find any attachment to things they do not have a full understanding of. Give your characters life: background details, appearences, memories, personalities. Give your creatures reality: put them in the story, describe what they look like and what they do and where they came from and what they want and why. Who or what is the Council? How and why were they formed? When does all of this take place?
Details, details, details. You need them.
Grammar was decent, but you got rushed and slurred it toward the end. Same for some spelling issues. Your sentances structure and variety were minimal, your flow was disruptive but effective.
Grammar: 6/10
Spelling: 8/10
Structure: 3/10
Flow: 4/10
Originality: 1/10
Presentation: 2/10
Overall: 4.5/10 -
-
So it's spelled "damn"? That's two people who said that. I asked my mom, who is a teacher, and she didn't even know! Thank you for all your helpful comments, and I know my weakness is tense. I go from past to present and back and its hard for me to see when its wrong or right =(
-
-
really good, dont stop now!
-
good,but add more!
ok, i just wrote a really long comment, but it should also say I HOPE THIS IS LIKE,JUST THE FIRST CHAPTER OR INTRO! cause if its not, and u r not going 2 elaborate,{ the Council, the City, the charactors} then that is not good, but as the first chapter or even the first half of a stor its good. otherwise keep same events, but descibe everything along the way so it's longer, and then the reader will get a better expireience reading your stuff. -
this is kinda wied, but really interesting!
are they fighting something vampireish? maybe you could call it "Night" or "City" or
"when i met mel" or something,really good way of doing dialog,and whatever is killing people is making this all interesting.souds like this might be set in the future , but this part would make an iteresting intro, then you explaine a bit more about some stuff, but it is good that you keep the reader guessing so is danny a ghost? mel is pyskick{yes i can't spell!}and i think that is cool, maybe that could help with killing the monsters????this is really a good thing, but u should put in some parts about different people's points if view, if u want.
oh and u could call it the name of the monster, like "Vampires" or "Creatures of Night" or something like that. + u should not listen 2 what people say about your stories if u think its dumb, like if u think my comments+stuff is dumb then who cares what i think? you have {in my opinion} a lot of talent, so even if you don't do this story, keep writing, cause its really good{ and i think u could do this story, its cool}
-
ohh, a body in the crawlspace! getting interesting!
-
Your story has a good theme but you should make it longer and more detailed. I also like the idea of a society and the idea of total chaos being brought upon by "something", but I think you need to specify more. Also, dont use so many ???? and possibly shorten up parts of your dialog. You have a great way of telling stories so keep up the good work!
-
Well, I liked how it started out. Add an 'n' on "dam" to make "damn." I liked how you kind of had some new society created here, but I didn't like how you introduced two new characters and a problem (gir's leg, Danny gone) and then made them all happy-happy poof we're good at the end of the story. Why try to solve it so fast? Make it longer, add more meat to the story, you could have something. I'm more curious about their society, the Council, and those monsters right now than who Melanie is or that everybody's a happy family.
Good job! keep going!
-
very good story, don't need to change anything about it, keep up the good work. david
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
