Looking around me, I saw about forty people with rods propped in their hands, cast out way into the lake, some reeling in their catch, some standing eagerly waiting for theirs. I pulled my pole from my bag, and stood there, excitement rippling through me.1
My friends spoke to me, and I could tell from his intonation that he asked a question, but the words made no sense to me. I was too caught up in the action around me, but I nodded in courtesy and proceeded to build up my rod.2
The warm summer breeze lightly swept my face as I got out my equipment. I decided on using a dry dragonfly fly as my lure. Just as I had finished attaching it to my line, my friend got a bite. 3
Frenzy filled the air around me, as I moved out of the way so that he could swing his pole freely. The thrashing orange blur jumped out of the water and thudded right back in, splashing the area around it, its actions gorgeous ad powerful. At one point, it jumped out so high and did such a beautiful routine in the air, that many people standing around gasped and stared in awe at this gem of a fish. He battled it for ten minutes, this warrior completely relentless. I watched his face for a while, and his expressions were very mixed. Strain marks appeared every instant, yet he also smiled, clenched his teeth and shut his eyes tight.4
I gazed out into the water again. I could feel so much tension around, from both the line and the angler. The splashes erupting from the lake were getting closer, so I decided now was the time to get my net out. I lay it on top of the shallow sand bed, just beneath the glazed blue surface of the water.5
The fish’s soft and flexible body plopped into the net, and it laid there, movement impossible. It was completely played out.6
“Carp!” I yelled out to my excited friend, who stood three meters behind me.7
He dropped his pole down, and came at a steady jog towards me, a large grin resting on his countenance. He examined his catch briefly, took the barbless hook out of its jaw, and heaved it right back into the water. I watched as the majestic giant swiftly swam back into the depths of the lake.8
“Now it’s my turn”, I thought to myself. My lengthy rod that lay on its side, gleaming bright green in the fiery hot sun, looked very optimistic to me after the great catch I had just witnessed. With my expectations high, I picked it up, and cast it straight out into the middle of the lake.9
I sat down on the rock solid ground, and looked out at my floating fly from the water’s edge. I could barely see it, since the fly was blue itself, but the black string wrapping around it helped me keep an eye on it.10
A couple of minutes passed, and my hands were still tightly wrapped around my pole. My friend sat down next to me, and we got into a large discussion about his catch.11
He abruptly stopped what he was saying, and his eyes darted straight out in the center of the lake. At that instant, I felt the greatest of pulls on my rod, and stood up. Little did I know I was about to begin the greatest battles of my life.12
I felt massive tugs on my rod, and I only could return the favor by tugging right back at it. I pulled upwards a lot since this fish was trying to escape upstream. I yelled out to everyone around me, “I got a big one!”13
Since that was the first fish I has ever hooked, I really did want to be noticed. Masses of people, well around ten, came and stood behind me. It was a long and sweaty battle, and I had many cheers erupting from behind me. Finally it gave into my power, and I was able to reel it into the net which my friend had so kindly already placed in the water.14
He removed it from the water, and I went running towards him. He had a huge smile on his face, which could only be matched by the huge beauty that lay before me. It was the most beautiful carp I ever saw in my life, with a gorgeous range of orange colors. It struck me that this fish had already been caught, for there was already a hole in its jaw. Then it hit us. My friend’s and my face both turned a bright red color as realization swept over us.15
Maniacal laughter erupted from my friend and me as I heaved the fish back into the water. I had caught the exact same fish my friend had caught!16
Author notes
Ok, so its cheesy. I still need a good critique with good points on how to make it better. After all, I am publishign this as my coursework!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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It's a made up story for an English essay lol!
I fish sea fish, actually, Im making some baits JUST now... you wanna see em when Im done???
Id love it if u judged em for me (remember these are home made, and SERIOUSLY low budget) -
Fishing is good. And this too was good. My youngest ones are forever thinking that they catch the same fish over and over. Carp you say? Where do you fish? Are you in New England?
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" a clear case of fat finger syndrome!"
HAHAHAHA OMG I JUST LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!!
Well actually, that was a great critique too.
I really need to change this story apparently. So ill get to it. Thanks for another EXCELLENT critique! -
The second paragraph I just noticed you have he asked a question
that maybe should read he had asked a question or he'd asked a question. Just a thought...maybe see which sounds better to you?
Fourth paragraph you left the n out of the word and, same paraghaph maybe trashthe word out and just use jumped so high and did such a beautiful routine? Fourth paragraph when talking about him having battled the fish for ten minutes the sentence is in present tense when the rest of the story is in past. Eighth paragraph I would change the remark about his grin to either playing on his countenance or a satisfied smile resting grins never rest they are always playful! 10th paragraph helped me to keep an eye on it would make more sense grammatically. Paragraph 11 switch large with serious as large just sounds ...wrong!?. Paragraph 13 by tugging right back at it , maybe back just as hard ....same number of words just better flow! 14th paragraph you have the word has instead of had, a clear case of fat finger syndrome!
Sorry I know you asked about the spelling errors but as I was reading through to make sure I wasn't eating the special brownies when I commented the first time(it's late and I'm sleepy) these things popped out at me. You don't have to change them at all, if you do however you may have to do a bit more rewording to keep the 600 word thing you have going on.
Despite my ramblings it is a good story! -
Can I please know which words need spelling fixes?
Thanks.. -
There are a few spelling errors that look to be more of a rush in typing than anything else. The choice in launguage bounces back and forth a bit from words that have an adult feel to ones that people around your own age use. This makes it sound as if you had a list you had to use words from. If so you did a pretty good job if not they come through sounding a bit forced. Like maybe you were trying a bit to hard.
The story itself is good and the fact that you caught the same fish is believable (happened to my kid). Elements of truth add something to a story even fiction. I don't think it needs a "deeper" meaning not all things in life are profound. It stands up well on it's own with out it. If I were you I fix the spelling and leave the rest alone!
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Wow
This is an absolutely GREAT critique!
Omg, Im gonna go re-write it...
I like that comedy in it... THANKS... thank thanks thank thanks! -
Good job!
Well, it took me longer than two minutes to read and I don't have an IQ of 194, but, if you'll allow me, I'll make a few suggestions.
A very small thing is that you could clarify that you were fly fishing and it was your first time at the very beginnning of the story. This accomplishes two things: it allows experienced fishermen to stop wondering what kind of fishing you are doing and allows other readers to start building up the possible scenarios of a first time fish story. They will already start to smile or at least wonder what is going to happen. The scene where your friend battles to pull the carp in fine, but after that is where you threw me. I was expecting you to get excited, draw a crowd bragging about a monster fish, spend all that time, and pull in a minnow or something. 
I guess I find situations, where a person is embarressed by his actions or misinterpretations at the moment but can laugh about it later, more amusing. But, that is probably a personal preference. Anyway, how to get more of an impact at the end? Maybe a wry comment by your friend before you realize its the same fish and he already has. This is a nice story of friendship and shared experience mixed with a little humor.
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first of all, Im a damn good reader and you can kiss my ass if you don't believe me just cuz you arn't as fast, and second of all im not gonna give you a good critique for a rubbish no thought stupid plot sotry like this. You did a rubbish job and I stated my thoughts as nicely as possible. Your lucky I posted anything. If you dont want to waste your own points, put effort into your work and make it worth reading and leaving a good comment. Not my fault that you fucked up.
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First of all, thanks for actually giving a good critique and not being useless
As for the deepness factor, I know, its kind of sad that theres no meaning to it, but I cant think of how to put one in there! -
hmm , intresting , i do like it , the ending is particularly good , this did tell a very good story , cant say im a big fishing fan but i did still enjoy reading this , well done , its well written , well presented and broke up , good use of language eg frenzy , i like tht word its doesnt get used much , and even if it may be slightly cheesy still a good piece , hmm , how 2 improve ?? im not sure , there didnt seem to be much deeper meaning in it , mayb add something extra like that , but no real reason for improvement !!
Edited on Dec 02, 12:49 because ''. -
first of all, theres no way you could have read that in two minutes... seriously...
and second of all, the title said that youve gotta give me a good critique, and I dont think that you're blind, so you have no excuse to click and waste my points for this rubbish critique -
i dont know, i dont really like fishing and the story really does seem cheesy. Sorry, no offence, but i dont think sotries, or at least humour stories are your thing.
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