Rian, after grabbing his History book, headed for Algebra. He got in class just as the bell rang to find he had the wrong textbook. He sighed deeply and walked to Mr. Holmes’ desk.1
“Can I go back to my locker for my Algebra book? I grabbed the wrong one.”2
“Write yourself a pass and you can leave if you have your planner.” He grabbed his planner from his backpack and walked into the hall.3
Back upstairs he traveled to his locker once again. He returned to find more problems on the board. The teacher was settling back down behind his desk. Obviously the class got in trouble. Rian rolled his eyes and grabbed his binder from his backpack for some paper.4
He felt in his pockets for a pencil and came across the note from his locker.. Izzy’s loopy writing covered the page, but Rian didn’t know it was his.5
Rian,6
I just wanted to say that you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. It’s a shame that I don’t know you. I sit and think of you often in the middle of classes. I don’t know why I like you and I think its kind of pointless but mom always says to dream big or not at all. Anyway, I wanted to get to know you but I’m afraid to let you know it’s me. If you really want to talk with me too then I guess you can leave me a note in my favorite book, Sabriel. It’s by Garth Nix. I guess I’ll se you later7
*** ~~~8
‘Do I want to meet this girl? I wouldn’t want to hurt her. I couldn’t deal with that again. Too much drama.’ He folded the note back together and stuffed it in his pocket once more. Rian sat and worked out his problems in the blink of an eye. Once finished he pulled out a Dean Koontz novel.9
His teacher, looking up from grading papers, saw that Rian wasn’t working.10
“Mr. Harris, why aren’t you working? Is there a problem?”11
“Oh no problem sir. I’ve already finished.”12
The class looked up and Mr. Holmes’ raised his eyebrows.13
“Finished already? Let me see.” He motioned for him to come up. Rian took his work with him and handed it over. Mr. Holmes scanned the pages, front and back, and returned them to Rian’s hands.14
“Good work.”15
“Thank you, sir.” He sat down at his desk and fiddled with his thumbs. He pulled out another sheet of paper and began to write a response to the “girl” he thought wanted to meet him.16
Mystery Girl,17
Sure, I’d like to meet you…I’ve never read this book before. Once you get this note, you have to return it so I can do so. Um…I don’t really have much else to say, so see you later (possibly).18
Rian19
He folded it, bookmark shaped, and stuck it in his own reading book just as the bell rang.20
He was the first out the door, heading for the staircase. His teammate Jon ran up beside him21
“Hey man. How’s it hangin’?”22
“Large and in-charge like always. But we all know what I’m packing so why do you ask all the time?”23
Jon cracked a smile. “Rian, you’re such a perv.”24
“I’ll never deny it.”25
“Where you headed?”26
“Library, why what’s up?”27
“The library? Why are you going up there?”28
“Leisure. I need another book ‘cause I’m ‘bout finished with the one I have now.”29
“Ah well then I’ll see you at practice.”30
Rian took the steps three at time. He slowed and caught his breathe as he entered the library. He went to the fiction and searched for Nix. He scanned the shelf several times but Sabriel wasn’t there.31
He went and checked the online catalogue only to find that it was checked out for another day.32
‘Guess I’ll have to come back tomorrow then.’ He sighed. The longer he waited, the more nervous and scared he became. Taking a pass from the librarian, he left and went down the hall to History.
Author notes
In the spot "*** ~~~", on the document I have on the computer, there is a star (*) and a moon (~).
Comments Please!!!
Comments
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Oh, I like this so far and I can't wait to see where you take it. The background you chose is nice, too. :0)
I have a few tiny suggestions though. There are two parts which need some explanation because they're very vague and could easily be read wrong. The first is the ninth paragraph where it says he's working out his problems. It would be better if you put what kind of problems they were, I guess math, right? Even though the reader knows he is in an algebra class, you introduced the note which could also be interpreted as his problem by the way you wrote it.
Second is the twenty-first paragraph, where you write that Jon is his teammate. It would help the reader if you mentioned what kind of team it is. If you can't because it's something to be revealed later to the reader, then just replace teammate with friend or something similar.
The last thing is just the dialogue at the end. You are the writer and know who is speaking, but the reader needs to be reminded who is saying what at regular intervals. Yes, we can see that the pattern goes Rian, Jon, Rian, Jon, ect but even still, the occasional Rian said or said Jon, helps tremendously and prevents any confusion.
Anyways, it's a good start and like I said I look forward to reading more of it. :0)

beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
