::Chapter 1::1
Thunder rumbled in the distance, the clouds hung low and dark in the rapidly fading grayness of twilight. Lightning answered the call of the thunder, arcing through the clouds, turning night to day for a brief second. The thunder roared again, only to be shot back by lightning’s fierce anger.2
Slowly, the rain fell from the heavens, dampening the roads and soaking the undergrowth. Silently, it whispered as it touched the pavement, the buildings, the cars, the trees.3
The wind playfully laughed as it danced between the boughs of the trees. The wind lashed the rain, as thunder and lightning struggled overhead. Nothing moved in the city, except for the vermin and the strays. Slowly, the street lamps hummed to life, casting their orange glow into the stormy night. New York, the city that never sleeps, now stood bleak and deserted against the onslaught of the storm.4
Somewhere down the road, a door opened and loud, pulsing, music drifted out into the street. A young woman, 21 years of age, now stood in the midst of the storm. She had long, waist-length black hair, with purple highlights racing down it. She wore a black, tight, strapless top with fishnet “arm-warmers”, spiked bracelets and a spiked dog collar around her neck, and black, loose, knee-length, shorts that had a floor-length (fabric) tail. On her feet, she wore black and purple, high-top, converses. Over her whole outfit, she wore a black, kimono-style, trench coat with purple butterflies flowing from the right shoulder.5
“Remember, 6 o’ clock sharp okay Serea?” Her boss shouted to her.6
“All right, Ed. See you tomorrow.” She shouted back. 7
She looked up at the dismal weather and sighed, 'Another great night for a walk home' She sarcastically thought. She lifted up her hood, which now completely hid her face, and took off into the storm. After only a couple seconds, she was wet to the bone. She turned, and walked through the alleyways, since they offered some protection from the downpour.8
Over the din of the thunder, she thought she heard screaming. Lightning flashed across the sky, throwing shadows of invisible, and two visible, foes upon the walls. She quickly got up against the near wall and inched to the alleyway. She tensed, it was a woman screaming.9
“Please, please! Somebody, help me! Please! I don’t want to die!” she was wailing. Serea drew out the can of mace from her pocket, and inched closer.10
“Please!” the woman screamed again, “Plea-” Her cry was quickly cut off. 11
Serea stood there, frozen in fear. She didn't know whether she should go to the aid of the woman or run away. She weighed the options then holding her breath, whirled around the corner, holding the mace out in front of her. 12
Her eyes widened at the scene before her, “Dear God.” she whispered. The woman laid dead, her lifeless eyes staring in to the night. Her throat had been ripped out, and the blood pooled around her head, forming a bitter halo. Something emitted a soft, fierce growl from the shadows of the night, and Serea’s attention snapped to the looming darkness ahead of her.13
Lightning once again flashed across the sky, illuminating the alleyway. Red eyes glowed in the quick light, and she saw pale skin stretched across bone and muscle as old as time itself. His clothing was soaked through, and torn in places. Blood stained the face of that who was like God on earth, a vampire. His sleek black hair obscured most of his face, but his eyes stared at Serea with loathing and hunger.14
He lunged for her, “Shit! Wrong move!” She shouted. 15
She aimed the mace and sprayed him in the face. He fell back with a snarl. Growling, barely able to see, he dived at her again in the darkness, this time making contact with her throat. He clung to her, holding her upright. Serea’s blood ran hot and ambrosial down his throat, and the frantic beating of her heart drove him into a madness all its own.16
'There’s something about this female,' he thought, 'I just can’t place it. I might just let her live...as one of us.' He smirked. 'She’s an interesting one, and her scent is maddening.' He gently lowered her to the ground as her heart began to slow its frantic beatings. He pulled away from her throat and slit his wrist, and placed it over Serea’s mouth.17
The sweet intoxicating nectar flowed into her mouth and down her throat. She clung to his wrist, drinking greedily on the wine of life. He growled in pain, and tried to pull away, but she dug her nails into his wrist, holding him there. With an exasperated cry, he pulled again. This time she let go, and he was free. 18
She shrieked in pain, writhing on the ground. She tried to get up, but fell into a pile of trash, and then painfully crawled over to the vampire.19
“What’s.....happening to me?” She growled.20
He chuckled, “You’re body’s dying. Pay no heed to it. It happens to us all.”21
She screamed again, then her body gave out. Her wounds rapidly healed, and the blood dried and fell off. Her skin took on a porcelain hue, her blue eyes turned the color of ice and fangs protruded from her gums. She gasped, drawing in the sweet air. She sat up, and looked around. The vampire was nowhere to be seen. She looked around, puzzled, then stood up. She wobbled on her legs, and fell back down with a grunt. Lying there, she heard the sound of approaching feet strike the concrete of the alleyways. 22
“Quickly. We must get her out of here and to the den!” Ordered a clear, resounding voice.23
A rough voice hissed, “Damn! These rouges will have us chasing our own tails if we can’t catch them! They go around, killing at will, and making fledglings of whomever they see fit, and we can’t get to them in time! So now, there are countless fledglings out there that we need to find and bring them to the den before they expose the fact that our kind still exists!” 24
“That doesn’t matter right now! We’ll just take it bird-by-bird. First, we need to get this girl out of here, and us along with her!” Barked the clear voice again. They darted up the nearest fire escape, and jumped onto the neighboring rooftops.25
'What is going on?' Serea thought groggily 'What are they talking about? Where are they taking me?' Then her vision went dark.26
“Damn. She just blacked out.” Said the rough voice.27
“Just pick her up and put her on your back then, Rael!” Barked the clear voice.28
“Sheesh, Vralin. You try carrying a 125 pound girl on your back while running, and hopping rooftops!” Shouted Rael.29
“Oh, come on! You’re 150 years old, and as strong as an ox! She shouldn’t even bother you all that much. It should be like carrying an empty sack.” Vralin retorted. 30
“Hmpf. Touché.” Muttered Rael. 31
::Chapter 2:: 32
A detective ran down the alleyways, panting. He had a flashlight lighting the way, and his gun pressing comfortingly against his chest. He’d heard screaming, and rushed into the maze of byways and thief burrows. He gagged at the sight of the dead woman that was now before him. Night ravens had shown to the scene before him, and commenced to peck out her eyes and still warm innards.33
He pulled out a walkie-talkie, “HQ.”34
“Go ahead.” A voice answered back.35
“We have another one. She’s been mutilated by the night ravens, so it’ll be difficult to determine the exact cause of the death. But I think our team should be able to hit the nail on the head with it. I’m in the alleyway across from Urches court.”36
The voice squawked from the other end, “Roger that. We’ll dispatch reinforcements. Go ahead and secure the area.”
The detective answered, “10-4.” and began to block off the alley. 37
::Chapter3::38
Serea now hovered on the edge of oblivion, aware, yet not, of her surroundings. Pale, beautiful, faces hung in the air above her, then vanished, only to be replaced by new faces. She tried to move, but it was like trying to lift boulders. 39
“Please, don’t try to move.” Said a soft disembodied voice.40
“Buh’ why?” she muttered, then passed out again.41
She awoke several hours later, shivering and sweating profoundly. She’d been dreaming, and tried to conjure up the ghost of images that still flowed in her mind’s eye. But she failed to capture them. With a sigh, she looked around the nice tiny room she was in. She tried to sit up, but a blinding pain shot up her spine. She lay back down with a cry of agony.42
A soft knock echoed into the room, “May I come in?” spoke a muffled male voice.43
Serea gritted her teeth in pain, and choked out, “Yes, you can.”
The door creaked open, and a young vampire walked in. He had white hair that was about chin length in the back, and had bangs that slightly covered his eyes. He was dressed in a black suit, and had a lab coat loosely draped over his suit.44
“It’s good to see you’re up. I bet you have loads of questions to ask, but they’ll have to wait till later. For now, we have to make sure nothing went wrong with your body while you went through the change.” He bent over and unfastened the straps that held her down to the bed. Slowly, he helped her sit up and stand without passing out. He sat her into a wheelchair and off they went to the examination room.45
It was a large, circular, room. The walls were whitewashed, with equipment and computers of all kinds lining the walls from floor to ceiling. There were several windows letting light in, but they were set high up, almost to the ceiling. A table sat in the center of the room with a large light hanging over it.46
A female nurse was waiting in the room, “Good afternoon Serea, Dr. Vralin.”47
“Good afternoon, Bella.” He replied.48
Serea glanced at Bella. She was shorter, and skinnier, than the average person now-a-days. She had pale red hair tied back into a neat bun. Her eyes were as green as the trees in Central Park. She had a sweet smile, and sounded very nice.49
Vralin helped Serea get out of the wheelchair and onto the examination table, and looked at her through amber eyes, “Okay, listen. I don’t want to come off as sounding like a perv or anything, but I’m gonna have to ask you to remove your shirt and pants.”50
A deep blush colored Serea’s cheeks, “W-w-why?” she stuttered.51
“We need to make sure that your organs are working like they’re supposed to, and you didn’t sustain any damages that can limit the use of your body.” Stated Bella.52
Dr. Vralin glanced at the nurse, “Well said, Bella.”53
“Thank you, sir.” She muttered. 54
Over the next several hours, Serea underwent various tests, and examinations. Noise and sound blurred into a warped orchestra of consciousness that distorted her perception of time. After a long while, Dr. Vralin ducked out to leave the more personal aspects of the examination to Bella. 55
::Chapter 4::56
Serea awoke to a soft breeze blowing in through an open window, softly whipping the white, gauze-like, fabric hanging from the canopy of the bed. Night shone through the window, and the stars burned through the darkness. She turned her head, and saw a small, honey colored night-stand with a glass of water waiting for her to pick it up and drink the cool liquid. Beside it, a thick tome lay unopened, with multiple pages marked. She turned her head again, and saw several honey colored chest-of-drawers, and a dresser with a 3-panel mirror. A soft knock on the door startled her.57
“Go away!” She shouted, grabbing the thick, dusty tome.58
“I mean you no harm.” A soft, rough, voice answered gently, slowly opening the door.59
“I don’t care!” She growled.60
“But the doctor ordered me to come see that you are well.” The voice softly answered as the door opened wider.61
“Just leave me alone!” She hurled the book at the door and curled up at the top of the bed. A male figure walked into the room, showing his palms to her as a gesture of goodwill.62
She bolted up from the bed, and as a first wave of dizziness washed over her, her knees buckled, and she crumpled to the floor.63
He caught her, “Whoa, easy now bonnie lass. You need to take it easy. I’m not gonna harm ya.” spoke the soothing rough voice again. He picked her up and laid her back on the bed. He stood over her, a playful, almost childish, gleam reflecting in his emerald green eyes. He had an oval-shaped face, with skin as pale and smooth as porcelain, framed by rusty orange colored hair. He was muscular, like the “Undertaker” from the WWE. 64
She glared at him, “Why did you come in? I said you couldn’t. And now look at me!”65
“Calm down lassie. I jus’ came in to check on you like the good doctor ordered. You’ve been out for a good day and a half!” He slightly chuckled.66
“And my name’s not ‘lassie’!” She growled, “It’s Serea.”67
“My apologies, Miss Serea.” He murmured. “I guess I’ll go tell the good doctor that you’re up. He’ll get some grub sent up to your room.” He bowed, then took his leave. 68
She sat back with a sigh, 'Where am I? And what happened to me back at the alley? Everything’s so fuzzy...why can’t I remember anything?' She thought despairingly. She looked out the window at the moon. It had started to turn a red, rustic, color. 'How pretty, it’s starting to eclipse. I haven’t seen a spectacle like that in a while.' She smiled slightly, comforted by that small thought. 69
The door creaked open again, and Bella walked in with a tray of beef stew. The aroma smelled heavenly. The cooked meat mixed in with the array of vegetables reminded her of how hungry she was, and her stomach grumbled.70
“Eat up now. It’s good for you.” Bella spoke as if she were talking to a child.71
“Don’t speak to me like I’m four! I know it’s good for me. And next time, knock before you enter!” Serea snapped at the nurse as she hurried out of the room. 'My God! These people are so rude! Sure, they’re nice and all, but they don’t know the meaning of ‘privacy’!' She angrily thought.72
Another soft knock shook her from her thoughts, “May I come in, Serea?” It was the doctor.73
She left the soup on the night-stand and scooted to the edge of the bed facing the door, “Of course. Seems like everybody else is barging in, so why not hop on the bandwagon?” She sarcastically responded.74
“Rael came and told me you were up. You had us worried.” He softly said.75
“Why? Why should you be worried about me?” She growled.76
“Why? Well, you see, the first 24 hours of a fledgling’s new life is the most dangerous time for them. In that time, their body could reject the change and they could die. Even with our advancements in technology, we can’t help them, nor figure out why it happens.” He sat down beside Serea with a sigh, “But it’s good that you survived. At least now, we can have some sort of link to Rouge. You see, fledglings can sense their creator’s location, no matter where he is. All the others Rouge had turned rejected the change. You’re the first that’s actually survived an ‘attack’ by him.” He finished out of breath.77
“So, hold on; you’re saying that I’m the only one that’s actually survived being turned by this “Rouge” vampire.” She asked, puzzled.78
“Yes, and “Rouge” isn’t just a name for all renegade vampires. Ironically, it just so happens to be his name as well.” 79
“Oh. And you said that I could somehow “track” him?”80
“Yes. He flows through you, and the blood he gave you longs to go back to the master. But it can’t. That would be kind of disturbing if all the vampires suddenly burst apart, and their blood went flying through the air to their original masters. So it just hones in on where he is. Think of it as something sort of like an internal tracking device.” He tilted his head slightly and laced his fingers together.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate Horror Story by ice wolf.
600 points, ended March 8, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - FANTASY!!!!! (Vampire/Werewolves/Witches & More!) by McrSAVEDmyLIFE.
410 points, ended April 4, 2008, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
If there's anything that sounds off, please let me know. And feel free to point out any strong points as well as the weak points. I would appreciate it so I know what to improve on.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I like the imagery, but three paragraphs in the beginning can be a bit much. I would shorten it to one. Sometimes, less can be more. You describe your character as if I were just looking at a picture. Try describing her "flowing hair blowing in the wind like black water. The Purple light seeps into the dark abyss teasing its mysteriousness." Tie it in to your descriptions. The Alley scene is AMAZING! Keep to this type of writing, it really suits you! The vampires thoughts are nice, I would hide them under expressions. EXAMPLE: Let him change her, not letting the reader know why. Then, as she is drinking his blood, have him stare curiously before anything else happens. Keep the mystery factor. It makes, almost forces the readers to keep on reading to always want to know more
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I love vampires you inspired me to finaly write a vampire story
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I love vampires you inspired me to finaly write a vampire story
*bows* I'm glad to be a source of inspiration. After all, that's what friends are for, am I right, or am I right? lol...Even if I happen to be a d'hampir.
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OMG! IT's awasome I like it that Serea is the only one to survive the attack and becomes a vamp ^.^ IT's sooo coolio! PLease continue it ! I'd love to read more ^.^


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the stories pretty good, and i thank you for entering. good luck.

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Since this is your first encounter,
keep in mind any opinions that you receive here, are done with the urge to help in mind. Still, they are only one critter’s view and you can use or lose their advice.
I found your tale to be an interesting twist on that ages old vampire story.
Not to be critical right off, before you know me—*smile*. It would help if this first section were separated into chapters. I can ‘See’ at least three logical breaks. In this kind of an action story, shorter chapters really grab the reader’s emotions and make for scarier reads.
Use more of your shift key—I know it is the fault of the site at times. Right now your text is one long paragraph. I always put line breaks between paragraphs even if it’s one word of dialogue. That also makes it easier to edit.
Welcome To SW, if we can help in any way let us know.
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