Something was digging into my shin and I shifted to ease my discomfort. The ache persisted; so I looked down to eliminate it. I removed a sharp stone and glanced back to the spot where I had sprinkled the powder.1
A minute movement caught my eye and I was drawn to the ground. Sitting with a small seed grasped in tiny pink paws was a gray mouse. 2
I gasped and it scampered away. I was always surprised when one appeared. It seemed the animals showed up when I was not looking. Some distraction always took away my attention.3
I was satisfied that this last part of the creation was running smoothly. I stretched my cramped body and thought about the academy, then jumped.4
~~~~~~5
Sunlight pierced my eyes as I settled on the grassy courtyard. Around the circular lawn, perfectly trimmed trees and shrubs bordered the jump space. I waved at one of the landscape artists that were raking the trimmings as I ran out the opening into the bustle of everyday life in the academy. Groups of all ages passed me as I searched for Kyle. Grabbing a child in the green of a first year, I asked, "Have you seen Kyle Greenly?"6
The boy shook his head and slipped from my hands. It was then that I heard my name being called.7
Kyle was standing in the open door of the boy’s living quarters. He motioned me over. I picked up pace, kicking dust as I went. My mouth felt dry and gritty. I was in need of water. "Here," Kyle said as he pushed a cup into my hands.8
"Thanks."9
"No problem. Have you checked in with Master Brock yet?'' He asked over a crowd of giggling girls. 10
I shook my head as I swallowed the cool water. I could feel it washing the dirt from my throat. "No, I just jumped back. The last world was a breeze."11
As he nodded, blonde bangs shadowed his eyes. A knowing smile passed his lips. "I like those better, but, once you become a fourth year, Mastercreator Ruben doesn’t give you the easy worlds anymore."12
"What is that suppose to mean?" I didn't like what I was hearing.13
He took the cup from me and turned towards the common kitchen. As he walked away, he said over his shoulder, "Master Ruben sends a fifth year, close to graduating, to scope out a newly formed world. He assesses the terrain and then makes his report directly to Master Collins who then decides which level can handle it."14
I followed him as he snaked his way through the crowd of students hurrying from the dining hall.15
"There's Master Brock." Kale pointed as he snaked his way through a small gathering of boys. At the head table surrounded by other instructors sat a stocky man shoveling stew into his large mouth. His pink, bald head reflected the candlelight from the chandeliers above him. Fingers like small sausages gripped a wooden spoon. Over a bulky frame, he wore a plain dirt-colored brown robe, like those worn by a holy man.16
Kyle grabbed my hand and pulled me to the front of room. In our haste, I stumbled into the tray of a kitchen helper, spilling the contents on the floor.17
The whole room fell silent as the dishes crashed onto the stones.18
"What's all that racket?" Boomed Master Brock, standing from his table. 19
I scrambled down on my hands and knees to help the girl pick up the dishes. Bits of broken pottery and food had slipped under the benches the other students were sitting on. All eyes were on us as Master Brock stomped down the aisle toward me.20
He yanked me up by the collar of my dress and demanded once again, "What is the problem here?" Bits of food and spittle flew into my face. His breath smelled strongly of garlic and I wrinkled my nose in disgust.21
"I, I, I'm sorry, sir," I stuttered. "But I ran into this girl here and knocked her tray over.” 22
"Get it cleaned up and then report to me later.” He set me back on my feet and stomped out of the room. 23
I started stacking dishes on the fallen tray as Kyle bent down to help. "What was that all about?" Kyle whispered in my ear.24
"I don't know," I replied under my breath. "I haven't done anything lately that would get that kind of reaction from him. And if you hadn't been pulling me, I wouldn't have run into the servant. Anyways I usually report to Master Ruben for punishment." 25
Around us, the students resumed talking and eating. We gathered up the rest of the dishes and the girl scurried off. I followed Kyle out of the dining room.26
The sunlight was bright after the dimness of the hall. Across the courtyard in a stone building unadorned with decoration was Master Brock's study. Like him, the building was large, but unlike Mastercreator Ruben’s work area, his was not cluttered with books and scrolls and loose pieces of paper. No bits of vegetation lined the shelves. It was clean, with the scent of lemon in the air. No clutter, no vials, and no papers anywhere,-only the gleaming cherry wood desk that sat in the corner beneath the window. Quills and pots of inks were lined neatly at the top of the desk with one sheet of paper sitting in the middle.27
We found Master Brock sitting behind the desk, systematically checking his list. Kyle stood by the door as I walked in and cleared my throat. "You wanted to see me sir?"28
Master Brock looked up from the list. "So," his voice roared. "I see you have just returned from Deter Fourteen. Why have you not reported to me before this?”29
I shifted from one foot to another. I took a stray strand of hair and twisted it around my fingers. "I was trying to, when I had that unfortunate accident in the hall."30
"Uh-huh. And how did the world behave?" 31
"It was quite easy," I said quickly.32
"Good, good," he said nodding his head. His double chins quivered with the movement. "And what of the unknown specimen that is now swimming, most comfortable, in the lake in the valley that YOU created this morning?"33
My mind went blank. I could think of no response. My eyebrows rose in surprise. The wrinkles on my forehead deepened from the strain. "I'm sorry,” I stuttered again. “I don't know what you are talking about-" I figured taking the ignorant route would be best.34
"Oh, you do not remember taking the multi-colored scale from Mastercreator Ruben's workroom?"35
Kyle shifted by the door, inhaling in surprise.36
"You do not remember slipping that same scale into the merry little brook on Deter Fourteen?" His voice rose an octave. His cheeks took on a reddened appearance like someone that had been in the sun too long.37
I knew then that I had been caught. It was like the cook had walked in when I was searching the kitchen for something sweet. I hadn’t even told Kyle about taking the scale.38
"But sir, how could you have known?" I was completely stunned.39
"Did you think that the absence of the scale would go unnoticed, that he, and I mean Master Ruben would not know that his experimental scale was missing?"40
I silently cursed myself for taking the irresistible scale while scanning the weathered floor.41
"That he would not know who was in his workroom minutes before the scale went missing? Come now girl, do you think we are that unaware of what goes on around here?"42
"But, when I put it in the water nothing happened." I confessed, biting my bottom lip.43
"So you did take it?" His bushy eyebrows rose.44
"When Troy went to check your progress, he spied a huge underwater beast, swimming lazily just below the surface."45
“You mean the scale really developed?" This was wonderful. I had wanted that mesmerizing scale to be something no other world had.46
Master Brock shook his baldhead as Kyle stifled a laugh behind me. "You are to report to Mastercreator Ruben’s office as soon as we are done here."47
Kyle shifted at the door attracting Master Brock's attention. "You boy, wait outside."48
Kyle looked at me as if waiting for my permission. I nodded, not really comfortable with the lecture I was about to receive.49
Once Kyle had closed the door, Master Brock came out from around the desk. His bulk bumped into the corner of the desk, causing it to tremble slightly.50
"You, my dear, have been a distraction for most of the Masters here. Masterplanter Root says that you learn at the rate of a fifth year. The landscape artist wants to recruit you. And Mastercreator Ruben is talking of--" He paused there as if he had already said too much. 51
I stood very still, afraid to move in case Masterkeeper Brock took more notice of me than he already did. I could feel a thin bead of sweat snake its way done my spine.52
"You are a distraction." He whispered more to himself. A huge index finger slid across the spine of the books on the shelf on the wall. "Please report to Master Ruben. Now."53
~ ~ ~54
Author notes
I can't seem to get to the discussion that Sabrina and Kyle need to have. Things keep creeping up. UGH!!!
Ok this part is now done. I know there needs to be more description and detailed. I will get to that.
3-1-08
3-10-08
In a list
Not enough description, right?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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This was an awesome chapter. I'm eager to know what he meant by "distraction" exactly. by the way he was describing it, it didn't sound all that bad. learning as a fifth year seems like a good thing to me. 
This was a really good chapter. I lloved it and now have to go read the next one. haha
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Playing catch-up again...
An interesting chapter. The reader gets some more glimpses into the mesmerising world of these apprentice creators - and sees that everything has consequences. The scale developed, and they are angry that she took the liberty to steal it and use it, but the Masters are overall impressed, and somewhat awed. Some minor mistakes, but I'm sure that other people have picked these up and pointed them out to you already, so I won't bother with listing them.
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I'm always doing that too. I'm just glad you read it
I just hope everything gets comes to a close at the end and nothing gets left behind, no loose ends.
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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Darn, I've already read this one
I absolutely love your creation story -
Another very interesting chapter Brooke.
I think your descriptions were still well done. The last bit on the planet, the academy grounds when she got back, the incident in the dining hall.
After that it was more dialogue than the other chapters and you still described the characters and their reactions.
Master Brock sounds like a very direct and imposing person yet he indicated that others seemed to be impressed with her.
And she got caught!
I knew she would. An experimental scale is not something that would go un-missed.
I wonder what kind of creature it became. I guess we'll find out soon enough.
So let's see what Master Rubin has to say.
I like how the story is developing and am curious to see what happens next.
Nicely done.
Greg
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Right oh, for every action there is a reaction and so forth. As predictable as it is, it wouldn't have been realistic is she hadn't been caught. I'm thinking Ruben put it there as a test. What do you think?
Thanks for your support and for continuing to read this tale
Brooke
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Not enough description? Well, honestly, you can't spend the entire story describing, can you?
There's got to be dialogue, and places where the plot thickens...and all that jazz.
So, yeah, you've got enough descriptions...especially of Master Brock.
An underwater beast? I KNEW she shouldn't have taken that scale! Oh, but am I glad that she did! The plot has indeed thickened...now I'm wondering what Master Ruben's gonna speak to her about. I know it's gonna be something big!
Oh, wow. THIS is definitely great! I do believe I am addicted!
I do have a few suggestions, so once you edit with the specifications from Lawrite and Geri, please IM me and I'll look and see if you need them.
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Thanks Lady, I would love to hear what you have to say. If you have time please let me know your suggestions. I have made the suggestions the two made
Thanks again.
Brooke
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I am really getting into this story. It's well written, has a clever storyline and our little heroine seems to be forever getting into trouble
It looks as if the scale grew into something not so beautiful.
I can't wait to find out what Sabrina's punishment may be
With reference to Sabrina and Kyle's discussion; I wouldn't worry about it. The more things that get in the way the better, it will have everyone waiting in anticipation.
One or two things (mainly typos) for you to consider although I must stress they are mainly my own opinion and, quite rightly, you may decide all is okay
p16 - "There's Master Brock" - I'm not sure here of who is speaking
p17 - stumble = stumbled (the rest of the paragraph and those immediately before and after are in past tense)
p20 - pickup = pick up
p20 - that had clattered to the floor - I don't think this is needed as it is known the dishes fell to the floor. (para 18 says so)
p33 - You = you. (If you wish to emphasise the word it is better to capitalize all the word and not just the initial letter, or use italics to emphasise)
p36 - door and inhaling - I think this would look better thus:
door, inhaling
Now for a point which I disagree with Geri over. I believe baldhead should be bald head. Bald is the descriptive word (as in round table, bald eagle, broken nose etc) therefore you are describing his head as being bald ergo two separate words.
It can be confusing because 'baldheaded' is one word and yet 'baldhead' is two *scratches own head*
An enjoyable story which has me hooked. I can't wait to find out Sabrina's 'fate'
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Thank you so much for continuing to read this little tale of mine. I have made the necessary changes. I like your take on baldheaded versus bald head. I will think on this and see what I can do about it.
Again thanks
Brooke
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Another great chapter! Yeah, the scale grew
I think even if she knew that she would be discovered, she would still have taken the scale. Curiosity is a powerful thing.. She seems too smart for her teachers. I love it. can't wait to read more
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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As if the scale won't grow. The story's plot is all about this scale and Sabrina's ablity to grow things with emotions Thank you though.
As for the 'smart'. I'm thinking (and because I don't plan my stories) she is fated to take Mastercreators Rubins place, but we will see
Thanks again.
Brooke -
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I figured the scale would grow.lol I'm just the kind of person once I start reading I think about the story until I can pick it up again.lol Especially when its this good
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I absolutely love this story.
It is so convincing the way you tell it. I can just picture this girl going from world to world creating new life. I hope you are going to have many more chapters.
Trish
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I hope so too. I love writing this, but it takes a toll on me. It's like the descriptions take control and then I'm tired for days until I can pick it up again.
I am so glad you are enjoying this tale. I hope that I won't disappoint you in the future.
Thanks again.
Brooke
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Ah...yes, another well-done chapter. Looks like Geri's covered all/most of the nitpicky things below.
Another well-crafter chapter leaving me wanting to read more. You did a good job of creating suspense with Master Brock. I'm still curious about these creators of worlds. Very odd storyline, but it's so captivating. Nicely donE!
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Hahahaha thanks. I really hope I get somewhere with this story. It's really turning into something bigger then I ever thought.
Thanks for faithfully reading.
Brooke
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Right--but you provide some great analogy.
‘Fingers like small sausages gripped a wooden spoon. Over a bulky frame he wore a plain dirt colored brown robe, like those worn by a holy man.”16 You provide some great analogy. These descriptive sentences stand out as an example of a quick, easily understood yet perfect picture of your character.
I missed last week’s segment, I’ll have to go hunt it up. I’m glad to see that scale turned into something. How about the slippery eels?
This continues to be an interesting read.
Geri
You may want to look at a few things:
Something was digging into my shin and I shifted to easy (ease) my
His pink, bald head (baldhead) reflected the candlelight from the chandeliers above him.
And if you hadn't been putting? (maybe pulling?) me I would (wouldn’t) have run into the servant.
Across the courtyard in astone (a stone) building unadorned with decoration was Master Brock's study.
No clutter, no vials and no papers anywhere, except for(only) the gleaming cherry wood desk that sat in the corner beneath the window.
Quills and pots of inks lined were (lined) neatly at the top of the desk with one sheet of paper sitting in the middle.27
I took a stray strand (of hair) and twisted it around my fingers.
. His cheeks took on a reddened appearance like someone that had been in the sun to (too) long.37
"Your (You) boy, wait outside."48
"You area (are a) distraction." He whispered more to himself. A huge index finger slide crossed (slid across) the spine of the books on the shelf on the wall.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks geri. Have fixed those mistakes.
Thanks for reading and for finding those pesky buggers.
Brooke
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Keeps one reading...
I keep coming back to the story and trying to remember the plot, I should take the time and refresh until I have it committed to memory.
p3 'gasp' = 'gasped' ?
6 'artist...' 'artists' ?
16 'baldhead= = 'bald head' ?
At least it is a read, smiles, hope that suffices...
Amicus...
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I don't even know if there is a plot anymore
I'm so disappointed in this story. I want it to go one way and then it goes off another way and I try to bring it back to the way I wanted.
It's suppose to be about that darned 'unknown scale' but I can't seem to get more deeply into the story. It surface crap
Sorry to rant at you. I'm
at myself.
Thanks for continuing to read and correct me. I need that.
Brooke
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