The little girl screamed as blood oozed out from her chest. Slowly, her eyes rolled backwards and she stopped breathing. The two men stared at each other, smirking. Fifty girls they had managed to murder now, and yet not one policeman had found them. George and Darren, the two killers, shoved the girl's body into an odd black sack, and left it in a nearby dustbin.1
"We must travel to Miami now. That is where the police have just finished searching," Explained George, the more smart and intelligent one. Darren just nodded.2
" We will kill this girl when we arrive there," Breathed George, handing a picture of a little girl with blonde, long hair smiling, to Darren.3
Darren nodded again. As Darren followed George out of the Town's Dentist which they had broken in to, he clumsily tripped over a brown sack which held in it lots of short, stubby fingers and toes.
A contest entry
- scary stories time! by VainfulSideEffects.
100 points, ended March 12, 2008, 4 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Do you guys think that I'll make it if i become an author when i'm older?
Comments
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ok not a bad start but it needs a prolouge don't juust start a story off you need to have some sense of it before you start reading but not bad for the begining
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thank you all for your comments! Please read more of my improved stories!
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Wow, the starting sentence describes how blood oozed out of her chest. That is sure to attract the attention of gore-lovers. This story has potential, so you should continue writing. you said that they smiled, and I would like to know why they smiled, what satisfaction killing the girl gave them. In other words, I too want emotion.
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Very good make sure you used categories next time for other people. Yes it is very good make despcrtion and emotions more and you will definlty make it!
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