Guess I Just Wasn't Good Enough.

I should have known the first time I heard Colton Crosse's name that he was trouble. No, I couldn't listen to my head screaming RED FLAG, RED FLAG!! No, I had to listen to my stupid heart. My stupid heart that trusts to easily. Now I just want to rip my heart out of my chest and stomp on it, burn it, and throw it into a wood chipper. I can't bear to look at his face. I wish I could erase it from memory. I wish I could undo these past few months. I wish I would have never met him.1

Let me take you back a few months, to the beginning of my fall semester at Mt. Tabor University. I'm a freshman this year. I was so excited to finally be out on my own for once. No chores, my own computer, and I could stay up as late as I wanted because I had no parents to make me go to sleep. We had just recieved our campus pictorials that are lovingly nicknamed "The Stalker Books". Most of the time when people get them, they go through them trying to find the best looking members of the opposite sex. This is what I was doing with a friend of mine named Meghan Schultz, and my roomate Aly Cameron.2

"That's the guy who stares at me. And he's in psych with us," I said pointing to a guy named Andrew Collins.3

"He's not half bad!" Meghan said, pushing her reddish hair behind her ear. "Look at this one, Colton Crosse. He's actually pretty cool. He is in psychology with us too, you know."4

"He's man pretty." I said looking at the picture. Though it was black and white, I could tell he was tan and had short, curly blonde hair and a captivating smile. He was fine, that was for sure. But he was out of reach, and I knew that. Just his name gave me that warning. He was probably one of those stuck up popular boys that I always end up falling for. 5

"Yeah he is, almost as hott as Cody." Meghan agreed referring to Cody MacIntosh, a guy we went to high school with.6

Aly chimed in. "I go to class with this Devin guy. He's so cute!"7

"Hey, he's in my peer group!" I said. "He's actually really nice. You should go for it. Well, I should be getting to cross country practice." I got up from where I was sitting on the floor, grabbed my water bottle and headed off to practice.8

That was Monday. Flash forward to Thursday. My RA and practically everyone on campus loves watching "The Office". I had never really seen it before, so I didn't really pay much attention when I saw people come into our suite to watch the show with Sierra, my RA. I noticed a few of Sierra and my mutual friends like Thomas and Jaron come in. Then I saw a guy I went to school with named Mason come in with Andrew Collins. I had a crush on Andrew, so I immediately went over to Sierra's room to watch with everyone.9

"Hey Jenah!" Sierra smiled. Sierra is adorable. She's short with short blonde hair and brown eyes. She too has a great smile, and she, unlike some other RA's, really cares about getting to know her floor. "You going to watch with us? It's the season premeiere."10

"Yeah!" I said realizing that I must look gross. My long dark brown hair was still a little bit wet from the shower, and it was beginning to curl into a massive frenzy. "Great!" I thought to myself. "Naturally I have to look gross when my crush shows up to my floor. God, why do I always have all the bad luck?" The room was full, so I took a seat next to the door. That's when I noticed him. Colton Crosse was there sitting next to Thomas. He smiled at me, and I smiled back.11

During the commercial break decided to say something to Thomas. "Hey Thomas, did you enjoy trailing the boys in practice today?"12

"Oh yes, I just love being a manager," Thomas laughed. "I get to watch you all suffer while I ride a bike! Hey, have you met Colton yet?"13

"No I haven't," I said and smiled at Colton. "I'm Jenah."14

"Nice to meet you Jenah, hey! Aren't we in the same psych class?" He smiled that heart stopping smile. Had I not been so taken with Andrew at that point in time, I'm sure I would have turned so red that even with my tan skin that I'd look like a friggin tomato.15

"Yeah, actually I think we are." Right then, the commercial break was over, and everyone hushed everyone else. I actually kind of grew to like "The Office" that night. Steve Carell is hillarious, and I love his movies.16

Over the next month or so, Colton and I didn't really talk much outside of class and seeing each other Thursday nights for "The Office". I had thought about maybe asking him to Saidie Hawkins if Andrew didn't work out, but I figured that he'd get dates for all three nights. Luckily for me, Andrew said he'd love to go with me. Andrew and I had an amazing time. Even though girls are supposed to pay for the meal, Andrew would have none of that. When I walked him back to his room he had told me that he had a great time and gave me a giant hug that sent a huge spark through me. I so almost melted out of happiness right then.17

Unfortunatley, Andrew began avoiding me after that. I was discouraged, naturally. It seems to me that I always pick out the loser guys. Andrew and I had a lot in common I thought. That's always how it happens. I meet who seems to be a great guy, and then it turns out that they are a loser. The degrees of their loser-ness varies, but they are all losers nonetheless.18

About a week later, I was in the campus worship session that we have called Wednesday Worship Craze. It's the best part of my week. Sometimes I just need to go before God and just sing my heart out before Him. Something about it just calms me and keeps me going through the week. I sat in the row behind Colton with some of my other suitemates. Colton turned around and smiled at me. 19

"Hey Jenah! How are you?" Gosh his voice was so perfect.20

"I'm doing alright. Getting excited for Thanksgiving break. You going home?"21

"No actually. I can't afford it." He looked a little sad.22

"Where are you from? California or something?" 23

"No actually, Colorado. If I want to go home for Christmas, I have to stay here for Thanksgiving." he explained.24

"You lucky!" I said. "I wish I was from Colorado. I love it there! The mountains are so amazing, and the stars at night are so...."25

"Amazing!" he finished. "Oh gosh, I miss it so much! I live on a farm in the northern part of Colorado you see. I miss everything about it." he smiled, but his eyes were still sad. "What are you doing for thanskgiving?"26

"Well I live in town, so I am staying on campus for break." I said. "But we are all going over to my grandparent's house Thanskgiving day, and my brother is coming up from Physical therapy in San Antonio too. I can't wait. My mom makes the best zwieback ever." For those of you who don't know about the German-Mennonite heritage, zwieback is a two headed roll. It's pretty much amazing and my mom makes it the best of anyone I know.27

"Yeah right! You should have my grandma's!" Colton said.28

"You know what? I'll have my mom make you some and we'll see."29

"You'd really do that, Jenah?" 30

"Yeah I would! You need to have some taste of home if you can't be there. It's the least I can do...."31

And so it began. I got to know Colton more and more over the two weeks before Thanksgiving and during Thanksgiving break. I learned that we had both been depressed and suicidal during our late high school years, and that both of us had turned to writing poetry to cope with our feelings. We both loved stargazing and the mountains, we were both runners, we liked similar music. I was fast becoming friends with him.32

The day I brought him the zwieback, he read me some of his poems. My gosh they were amazing! So descriptive and full of feeling it nearly brought me to tears. I told him where he could find mine online and then I left because visiting hours were over. The Monday after break, I asked him if he had time to read any them.33

"Yeah, I did. I read a few of them." he said.34

"Which was your favorite?" I asked excitedly. I really wanted to know what he thought.35

Colton's deep blue eyes clouded for a second. "Uhm....uh the newest one. It was really good, they all were. You have a gift" he finally finished.36

"Faith? Ah that's one of my favorites." A red flag went up inside my head. Faith wasn't my latest poem, Soul was. But I had only put up Soul early saturday. Maybe he read them Friday night and that's why he couldn't really remember the titles of what he had read. "Not everyone has your gift of memory" I reminded myself.37

I found it strange that although Colton called me a good friend, he never asked me to hang out with him and his friends. He would always talk to me about how much fun he had, or who he wasn't happy with. What's worse is that he only seemed to talk to me in between classes, or at Wednesday Worship Craze. Hardly any of his other friends went, so I usually ended up sitting with him and talking. One particular Wednesday before Christmas Break, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wanted this friendship to work. I was sitting alone in the row that I usually sit in with my other friends when Colton arrived. He slipped onto the bench right beside me and flashed that gorgeous smile.38

If only he knew the effect that smile has on me. I completely forget the fact that I'm pissed or whatever, and I can't keep my eyes from his face. I don't like looking people in the eyes when I talk to them, but with Colton I couldn't look anywhere else. We talked about his farm in Colorado. When he was in school, he used to show animals. He loved it, and he was good at it too. It sounded so exciting and interesting, about the same as forensics is for me, only forensics is acting and no money is involved. Before I could stop myself, I blurted, "You know what, Colton? We don't hang out enough."39

"You're right Jenah. We should hang out sometime!" Colton's smile was so big, so perfect. The smile was in his eyes too. I truly believed what he said.40

We wouldn't hang out before the semester ended at Christmas. When I came back for interterm, I was expecting to hang out with him. We had talked about taking a weekend trip to Colorado sometime during the monthlong term before spring semester before break. For some reason, Colton didn't really try to talk to me much. Sure we would talk when we saw each other in practice, or in the traning room rehabing a few ailments, but our conversations were mostly a generic "Hey how are you?" 41

As soon as one of his other friends came into the room it was like I didn't exist. I couldn't believe it. I knew his friends, I was sort of friends with them too, or so they said. But both sides ignored my very presence. It hurt. For the first time I realized what I didn't want to believe would happen. I was just a doormat for them. A sort of throwaround friend that they only use when bored or when they have a problem they need advice on.42

About the middle of interterm, I was seriously stressing about my class. I picked a tough one, Earth Science. I had huge amounts of homework every single day, not to mention the fact that I had labs, and morning practices sometimes. My parents are huge sports fanatics, and so me being good in track is important to them. I was beginning to get the "Track Talks" again. The Track Talks are talks my parents have with me about having a good season and that I could be so much better than I am and that if I want to amount to something, I need to place well. They never understand that I just want to run for fun. They didn't care about anything but running. I was chewed out at meets for not running fast enough. I was grounded for the same thing. Their sports minded-ness was part of what threw me into my depression in high school.43

I went to WWC that night in a funk. I was so stressed I wanted to cry my eyes out. Not to mention the fact that Colton barely wanted to talk to me hurt too. I had been alone in the cafeteria on several occasions, and when he came in, he almost purposfully sat as far away as possible. I wanted to tell myself it wasn't true. Maybe he just wanted to be alone, right? My head was telling the truth: He doesn't give a shit. He couldn't possibly care any less about you or what you think.44

To my surprise, Colton sort of realized I was out of sorts. I explained to him a little bit about my parental dilemma with track.45

"They don't see that I have other talents, and I honestly don't think I really have any talents. I'm just mediocre in everything."46

"No Jenah! You are good at a lot of things." Colton said.47

I used this as bait to see if he really cared. "Like what?"48

Colton was caught off guard, "Like.....well...uhm..."49

"See! You can't even tell me! You can't even find anything." I said. I should have realized then that he didn't care at all. All of my true friends tell me that I should be a writer. I don't really agree with them. I'm my own worst critic, but I honestly believe I'm not good enough at writing to make a career of it. Still, something in me begged me to give Colton another chance.50

So we moved on into February. Still nothing changed. My heart broke everytime I saw him helping out people he hardly talked to! "Well Jenah, it must only be you then." I told myself. I knew it to be true. Colton was there for everyone else it seemed. He had posted a new poem on Facebook. It was about someone hurting him badly, and how he felt disgusted and disappointed inside. I was the only person from the school to read it and comment on it. He replied by saying "Thanks Jenah! You are such a good friend!" "Good friend?" I wanted to scream at him "Good friend? Do you even know I am alive, really? Do you even care?"51

A week later was the final straw. He refused to even acknowlege I was alive in the training room before track. Wait...I take that back. He said all of three words to me: Hey Jenah! Sup? Didn't even listen to my reply, didn't speak any further. He talked to Meghan, who was on the table next to mine. He even asked her to hang out! I felt sick. I admit it, I liked Colton. I liked him a lot. If he ever would have asked me out, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. I thought about him often. He had won me over. I began to feel sicker (I already felt sick because of a cold), and I could feel a piece of my heart dying.52

It really sucks when you realize someone you cared about deeply doesn't give a shit. I went to practice fuming and on the brink of tears. The only one who noticed or cared was one of the throwers, named Bri. Thank God for Bri, she cares about everyone no matter who they are or how popular they are. She talks to everyone and anyone who will let her. She asked me how my day was, and when I said that it sucked, she genuinely felt bad about it. Bri has those eyes and that voice that lets you know that she means what she says.53

I never ran five miles so fast before. Anger and pain can do that to you I guess. Snow bit into my face, and the wind was strong enough to blow me over. I nearly fell twice, but still I ran faster. My lungs burned as I drove myself harder and faster. My nose ran partly from the cold air, and partly from my cold itself. I never attacked my weights so hard before, either. I was able to lift more than I thought. Thomas noticed that something was up, but didn't say a word. He just hugged me, and asked me how my family was doing. I was glad he didn't ask how I was. I might have cried.54

I knew then what I had to do. I had to cut Colton off. I didn't want to, but I knew it was the only thing I could do. I hated how I felt when I was around him. I still do. Even so, I still wrestled with my decision as I went to the basketball game that night. At halftime, I went to get a Sierra Mist. My throat was parched from cheering so hard. It was the conference tournament, and we were down. Colton was working the stand, but even though he could take my order, he avoided me. Colton used to say Hi when I came to get Sierra Mist, but this time he didn't even look at me. My mind became made up. I was cutting him off.55

I ran to my room after the game was over, fighting back tears. I set out to remove every trace of Colton from my life. I could no longer feel the pain that I had been feeling. It was too much. It was killing me. I signed into messenger to check my inbox before heading over to facebook. My good friend Nathan was on. Thank God for Nathan, even though he is miles away, Nathan always listens and tries to make me laugh. He often succeeds, and he knows when I am down. 56

A message came over from Nathan. "How are you Jenah?"57

I typed back. "Not so good."58

"You wanna tell me about it?" came the reply. I spilled everything to Nathan. The tears were falling now. Nathan, God bless Nathan. He did his best to make me feel better. And wether he knows it or not, he helped me so much that night. With tears flowing down my face, and my heard shattering into a million pieces I blocked Colton on facebook. I vowed to never talk to him again. No matter how much it hurt me to do so. I cried even harder. I cared so much for Colton! Part of me just wanted to forget all about it and continue on like we had been, but I knew that in the end that would hurt so much more.59

I had to remind myself over and over that Colton couldn't care less for me. It didn't make it any easier. Much as I hated myself for admitting that I had fallen for Colton, I couldn't deny it. Damn my heart! DAMN DAMN DAMN! I hate cursing, but in this case, I can't help it. Colton hurt me, he hurt me bad. And maybe it was all my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have read into the situation what wasn't there. No matter. My life would be better without Colton. 60

Iwasn't sure of what I was going to do when I had to see him again the next day. "Hopefully I won't." I told myself. "I hate to do this. He is going to wonder why I won't smile at him anymore.....Who am I kidding? He won't give a care, he probably won't even notice. But in the event that he does and I hurt him, I'll tell him that it is only how he made me feel. I'll tell him that I guess I just wasn't good enough. Or maybe, he just wasn't good enough for me." And with that thought, I set off to begin a new day.