My Wrath1
They took the man of my life from me shot him to death and tyred to take my life with his.
Now they will feel My Wrath.2
They police don't give a dam they just think it's just another fag out the way. They say there's no prove they are full of shit and will feel My Wrath when I make those pay with their fuckken life's who took my man and tyred to take my life with his.3
dress in black from head to feet armed with a sawed off shot gum 8mm a hunter knife spike bat I seek the mothers who took my love and left me for dead making them feel My Wrath.4
Bam, Smash, crush, is the sound of my wrath and they feels it as their blood and broken dead bodies fills the streets and the police knows it 's me but cann't prove a dam thing because they knew My Wrath.5
My Wrath dosen't stop with those who took from me tyred to kill me. Oh hell no it was just the beginning as all who breaks the law hurt kills and takes from others will feel My Wrath and the streets will be filled with their broken dead and bloody bodies.6
A/N: This a dark poem I wrote after a friend of mind was beaten very bad and lost his partner by men who attack them because they were gay. This may be also turn into a story.7
A contest entry
- Poetry contest by Xtclozer-.
700 points, ended March 9, 2008, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
A very powerful piece...
...and has the makings of a truly great poem.
I abhor hate crimes and even more the perpetrators. My older brother is gay and so are a couple of my best friends. I HATE prejudice and narrow minded behavior, which initially attracted me to this.
I would like to make some editorial suggestions if I may,
as this poem is like a diamond in the rough; with a little polishing it could really sparkle.
Change the title 'My Warth' to 'My Wrath' would be a good start 
With the first paragraph, how about;
They took the man of my life from me. They shot him dead and tried to take my life with his. Now they will feel My Wrath.2
With paragraph three, may I recommend;
The police don't give a damn. They just think it's just another fag out the way. They say there's no proof...they are full of shit. They will feel My Wrath when I make those pay with their fuckin' lives; with those who took my man and tried to take my life with his.
With paragraph five, I would suggest;
Bam! Smash! Crunch! Would be the sound of My Wrath. They would feel it in their blood. Their broken dead bodies would fill the streets. The police would know it's me but they can't prove a damn thing... because they would know it was My Wrath.
I like the way you end all of the paragraphs with 'My Wrath' as the capitals really accentuate the piece and give it character. I like how anger is made out to be the protagonist.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
A lot of spelling and grammer errors, missed words, wrong words, mis-spelled words. A tad bit repetative in the beginning as well. A good poem, but it needs work.
-
Dark, but sensical and very moving. Very personal as well. Good write.
-
wow very moving this was good, good luck in the contest and I like how you have told us the personal side to this in your notes, nice write and I enjoyed reading it. I hear you like writing and reading about vampires, I have made a series called The taste of Hidden secrets perhaps you might like to read it? might interest you..
As for me I will definately be reading some more of yours!
Good luck in the contest and 10/10 for a very emotional write!
-
-
I sure do i'm a vampire lover.
-
-
Dark, as Fizzy said down there lol. I found a lot of spelling mistakes though, But, I will leave that aside
An angry poem, I take it.
I liked your use of words.
Thanks for entering
-
Very dark poem and very well written this is really good. Thank you for sharing it with us. Another job well done.
-
that shit..i hate them i hate those mother fucking homophic bitches... I am sorry ...
-
-
Don't be I fleat the same way and wanted to rip a new one in the cops who seem not to give a dam because it was to gay men.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
