“Last call for the ‘Dunkin’ run. Put your order in and your change up, unless you want to make it till dawn on that dish water in the lounge.” There was the nightly last minute scramble, as everyone talked at once and stuffed money in Josh’s hand. Too tall, too lean, and twenty-two, Josh Hammond was the least important member of the behind the scene’s radio crew.1
Mark Gheil gave a soft groan as he eyed the huge clock on the wall. The clock was always set at the correct time—never off by a second. He tossed a fiver on the desk. “Bring some Danishes.” He held his hand up palm forward as his stare settled on Doctor Neil Harris. Everyone knew six Danish were five ninety-nine plus tax and Mark was notoriously cheap.2
Neil Harris waited for the signal. Too narrow in the chest and round in the butt to entice a TV camera, still, he was blessed with a voice to die for. As Mark’s hand came down, Neil cleared his throat.3
"This is KJAB, talk radio, 102.1 on your radio dial. I'm Doctor Neil Harris and I'm here to discuss your problems in the wee hours of this morning. Who do we have as our first caller?"4
A slight whimper could be heard in the immediate stillness that followed the announcement. "Ah, um, I'm Michelle." The voice was thin and forced. 5
“Michelle, a lovely name,” Neil answered. “And Michelle…what seems to be your problem? How can I help you?” This was followed by the expected pause.6
They always had second thoughts. Always needed the pause before they could say the words that disclosed the reason for the late night call. Once decided, the tone became rushed and the words spilled out. "I just can't do it anymore.”7
"Can't do what, Michelle?" 8
“I can't go on."9
Neil’s eyebrows shot up and he slowly nodded his head to Mark. ‘Bad one’ he indicted. "What do you mean?" he asked.10
"I think I'm going to have to kill myself." 11
Experience gave Neil the ability to hear implications in a voice, that other’s would miss. This lady’s calm assurance rang a bell in his brain. "Surely the situation can't be that bad Michelle?” He said as he gestured that Mark should react. “I need you to listen carefully. I'm going to switch you over to Mark, my producer, and he is going to connect you with someone who can help you."12
He could see Mark was already punching the keys that would connect the caller to the 24 hour Crisis Line. At the Crisis Line they had caller ID and would send the authorities if they determined that suicide was an immediate possibility. Through his headphones he heard the male voice cut in, “Hi Michelle, I’m Dale, I’ve been where you are…” He felt a sense of relief as he closed his end and opened another line.13
“Doctor Neil Harris here to discuss your problems in the wee hours of this morning. Who do we have as our next caller?"14
"I'm Sarah.” was followed by the anticipated pause before an angry whine to her words announced that she saw herself as a self-sacrificing mother. “My teenage son has been cutting class behind my back. You see, I'm a single parent and I have to work and I can't be at home to see that he gets off to school. What am I to do?"15
“Sarah, an interesting biblical name—that’s survived unblemished down through the ages. And your problem is just about as old.” Neil laughed softly to lighten the mood. A belligerent teenager feeling the pangs of independence. This was something he could deal with. Already Michelle and her death wish was fading into memory.16
The large clock on the wall continued to tick away the seconds, the minutes and the hours before dawn.17
Hours later and five miles away there was knock at Michelle Baine’s door.
In a list
A contest entry
- Novel Starts... by Reaver.
170 points, ended June 1, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Oscars 2009 - Best Story by The Oscars Team.
700 points, ended July 22, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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good strong write
Continues to bring me in, i want to know who is at michelles door and why she feels so bad.
Good use of charector although felt could be elaborated slighlty felt it ended to soon.
I will continue to read more though
well done and thanks for sharing
T
beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Very good
This DJ sure has an exciting job, listening to peoples problems and trying to come up with an answer. wonder what happens when his judgment is wrong.? I would be afraid I would do more harm than good at this. good story.
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Hmm?
I'm not really certain how the station would handle liability for such a show. They'd probably have some sort of insurance.
On the other hand, suicide counseling is often voluntary and not-for-profit. I don't know how they'd handle the liability issues either.
Andy
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I had to read the prologue to fully fit myself into the story. I thought it was well-written, unique and incredibly interesting in terms of plot. Characters were very well-developed! Great work!
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Hii Asfand!
As a best story entry, it's sort of bulky; it's almost a full novel now.
I'm glad you like it. I'm glad it's being considered.
Andy
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This story/poem is hereby officially accepted as a nomination for the SW Oscars. Congratulations on your nomination! You will be notified [via IM] to submit this story in its specific category when the contest opens. Congratulations, once again! Keep up the excellent work!
Admin
SW Oscars -
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Thanks.
Thanks for the privilege of being of being nominted for the Oscars.
Andy
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This chapter tempers the prologue and is well written.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hi!
As you have seen by now, this chapter begins an entirely different point of view. We move in and out of the view points of our characters throughout the story.
Andy
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hhuumm, interesting.... why dod i have a feeling that Michelle is next one the killers list?? it's got losts of suspence. I like that in a story.
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Hi again Ms. Dragon!
Well, I suspect the reason you think Michelle is next on the killer's list is because you read about her in Chapter 51
, but that's just a wild guess on my part
.
I hope you're enjoying the story in spite of it.
Thanks for all the applause. We appreciate you reading us.
Andy
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Line 12 was a tad dramatic for my liking but the story itself is definately making progress. It is such an original idea, I haven't ever read anything close to this before. The suspense was to die for lol Nice work.
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Hi Violette!
Did you check out the prologue?
Now you're at the right end
. I think you'll like the view better from this end.
I really have enjoyed co-writing this novel. We've been at it now about a year and four months.
Andy
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I'm starting to like this even more. The primary reason would be that the radio station sounds as a fresh idea when connecting to different people and the killer himself.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks
The killer changes as the story develops. The focus of the story is also beginning to switch. We hope you'll continue to find the story to be fresh.
Andy
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Wow! I really liked this piece. The descriptions were fantastic...and the suspense was just...my heart nearly stopped. You have put me on life support. Gotta see what happens next.....
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Thanks again.
It is very nice of you to continue with this story. I hope you will stay interested and enjoy the rest of this story. Thanks very much for all the applause.
Andy
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Wonderful!~
Very good start...doesn't give too much away and cliffs at the end! Wonderful! Thanks for entering! -
Nice attention to detail...and the ending just intrigues me to read more.
*bounces on to the next part*
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Thanks
Thanks for reading on. I hope we don't disppoint you. Thanks for applauding.
Andy
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Interesting - I like the switch to the point of view of a radio crew. I don't think that's done too much. I think starting the scene with a call for donut run was a perfect detail, too, and really fit in with the setting and the characters and the scene. Another enjoyable chapter, with a clincher at the end to make readers want more. Nicely done.
Notes:
* Why is Josh the least important member of the radio crew? What does he do that puts him at the bottom of the totem pole? Besides the Dunkin' runs...*laughs* Also, "last-minute" should be hyphenated.
* Para 3: It took me a minute to realize that Mark was holding up five fingers to signal Neil that he had 5 minutes and not telling Josh to get 5 danishes...*laughs* I approve of spelling it Neil and not Neal, by the way. Oh, and no donuts for Neil?
* Para 7: "Was followed by the expected pause." This isn't a complete sentence...maybe "This was followed..." Maybe?
* Para 11: I think there should be a period after "to Mark." It seems like the 'Bad one' statement starts a new thought.
* Para 16: "I'm Sara," should have a comma and not a period.
* Para 17: You spell Sara/Sarah differently in paras 16 and 17. *laughs*
* Oooh, creepy ending...
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and taking the time to list the corrections and suggestions. I'm glad you like this chapter. Josh is just an errand boy, kind of like an intern. It looks like I need to go over this story again.
Andy -
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As long as you find my list of suggestions helpful, I'll keep giving it. (I'm a chronic editor anyways... *laughs*)
And really, the editing never ends, does it? Good job so far.
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Ooh, what's going to happen to Michelle? I'm gueesing the Neil fella comes in a very big part later in the story. Nice startoff, it really sets up the next chapter of this story. I really hope this novel gets good feedback, it certainly is very promising.
--RT
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Thanks RT
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it. Yes, Neil is an important character. If you follow this story, I think you'll like it. In the list there is a prologue before this chapter. Thanks for checking this story out.
Andy
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la la la love it!
i absoulutly love this story!
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Thanks
Thanks very much for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it. If you'd like to catch up on the whole story, you'll find it at this link:
http://storywrite.com/list/34946-Secret-Radio-Murders
Andy
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Keep going your talented! :D
i love the word secret it drew me in, i loved the characters and it really pulled me in, you are a very talented writer and i cant wait for the next one -
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Thanks Missi
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. So the word 'secret' caught your attention? Glad we used it. I think that this will be a good story. We hope you'll follow it.
Andy
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This start really pulls you in, and I like how you use just a hint of humor. Besides a tiny bit of grammar mistakes this piece is great. Please keep it going, I'm eager to read more!
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Thanks
Thank you, we appreciate you reading and commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed this story. I hope you'll be coming back for more.
Andy
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How interesting. I like how you did that. Nicely done here. This is really coming along. Keep it up. God Bless!
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Thanks Mel
I'm very pleased that you like what we are doing here. Geri takes the little bit that I give her and expands it wonderfully. Thanks for reading this part. I hope you like it as it continues.
Andy
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A wonderful start, I am intrigued by your plot. I had read chapter 2 first! I'm looking forward to future chapters.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks Lis,
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I'm very glad that you like this and pleased that we have you hooked. Since you have been reading it backwards, I'll give you the link to the prologue. This is definitely a different story.
http://storywrite.com/story/show/146908
Andy
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Good start. I'm going to assume that the main character is Neil and that the person at Michelle's door in the villain?
I liked that it got into it right way and didn't bog this first part with to much description (the way I can).
I will be looking forward to reading more.
Brooke
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Lol.
Geri likes complicated plots and more description than I am accustomed to. It will be very interesting to see what the combination of the two of us will bring. If you want to see they story that inspired this novel attempt, check out Graveyard Shift: Secret Radio Murders. It is kind of an outline for the novel.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate you.
Andy
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Ah, yes, a flashback, background...
How well I know and remember the, 'behind the scenes' scenario at a radio station, well posed.
Precisely and concisely written, as always, did wonder about the use of 'indict' thought maybe, indicate(d), but it works...
Previously mentioned I don't read violence and such, but will make the attempt...
Regards...
Amicus...
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Hmm.
Most of what I write has violence in it, but not all. I guess if we are trading reads, I should try to hunt something down for you next time, which doesn't have any violence. I have a few. I have many songs. I could refer you to those. I've been a songwriter since 1970. I just haven't sold any
This is the first chapter of a novel now, that gerifitzsimmons and I are trying to write together. I think it will turn out well, but it will definitely have violence in some of its chapters. I don't want you to feel that you need to read it.
Andy
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