Sometimes I can only hope that one day they'll understand. Not only understand how I feel, but why I do the things I do. Such as binge, purge, starve, cut, and hurt myself so much. I don't do it for attention, I do it for control. A reason many teenage girls and boys do it. People are just too close minded to realise that, and hate to accept the fact, that we have little self control when it comes to hurting ourselves, because we care so little about what happens to us. 1
When I cut myself, I do it to release the inner pain. I have all this pain built up inside me, and I take that knife to my wrists, so I can release. I numb myself with the psychical pain, and replace the emotional, trying to forget. 2
I always thought I was fat. Growing up, I'd try diets, but could never control my weight very much. After Rich left, and I had promised my friends I wouldn't take pills ever again, I started starving myself. It didn't last that long though, because my family would force me to eat. So instead of fighting it, I started purging my food right after, and now find myself binging everyday almost after school. 3
My friends get so angry at me, when I don't want to eat, or when they think I'm going anorexic. I eat, right in front of them, so obviously I'm not anorexic. But what I'll never admit to them, face to face, is that I now have bulimia. I hate it when people scream, and yell at me, saying I don't give a s hit about them. Not realising that the only reason I'm still a live is because I obviously care too much, and I don't want to hurt them. I've lost 4 friends in the last year, I couldn't leave them, like I've been left behind so many times. 4
There are a few people there for me, but a ton on this site. A lot of people help me, so that I stay somewhat sane, and keep going. You don't know how much you'll give me hope, and make me want to continue on just one more day for you. Its hard, but when I'm having a rough time, I come to one of you, and you're there for me, to talk to. 5
Thank you for all of your kind words, and your support. I guess, my reason for writing this, was maybe so you could understand me somewhat a little more, and maybe me understand myself more too.6
Author notes
I guess Im only hoping you could understand me more.
Comments, and opinions are welcome....
s LaLa
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This is sad, but I understand it. My reasons for cutting are the same. And when I get really upset, I don't want to eat either. But Brandon gets soo worried when I say I haven't eaten. And I swear it sounds like he gets on the verge of tears sometimes. So that always drives me to get something when I'm on the phone with him, to prove to him that I wanna live FOR him. Friends are what I live for. I know most of you out there would never want to see me leave. So I don't. I stay, and I help myself as much as I can. I'm just glad everyone can be there for me. Which is why I try to be there for them, especially you. You're the one that brought me into this wonderful group we all share. We're all one big family and it's so comforting. Just remember, when everyone seems against you...You have your AP family here waiting for you.
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can i just say..... word?
i know exactly how you feel. well, no, not exactly, i dont think anyone will ever know EXACTLY how you feel....
but, i'm going through so much of the same.
i've lost so many friends after they all found out i cut, and im so close to losing others because of my ED. it feels like, no matter what, i can't win. i know how bad it feels to be left behind by everyone you care about, whether they abandoned you, or died even.
ever since i was little i had a problem with binging, i was actually really skinny, looking back, but, i felt so horrible. at seven years old, i'd cry over how much i hated how i looked. i guess, now that i'm battling bulimia, (i HATE being mia), all that pain i've ever felt is coming out.
i know what its like to care so much, everyone thinks you're pushing them away, i'm going through all this too.
if you ever wanna talk, i'd be happy to. just IM me sometime, k?
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Oh sweety I understand and I am always here for you. what you have written shows so well how you are feeling and why you do what you do and i know i know it's hard but try and be allright. Don't wanna lose you beautiful girl
xx
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Sis,
You have no idea how much I understand this piece you have written, it doesn't help when ppl tell you that you are selfish and that you need to stop hurting them, when its not about them at all, its about all the shit that is bottled up inside. I'm sorry that people in your life just don't understand. I was very close to my dad, and when I found out that my hero was dying and there was nothing I could do, I used anorexia as my coping skill, my control, thats what you bulimia is about... you have lost four people honey, and you are younger than me, sure I wish you wouldn't cut and purge but I'm not going to judge or condemn you, cause I've been there, I AM THERE ... the one thing my daddy (on ap here) sadi to me that made me stop cutting is that he told me that EACH TIME I CUT MYSELF, I'M CUTTING A PIECE OF HIS HEART ...so everytime I think or reaching for the blade, I think of those words he has said to me, and as a resuly its been over 2 months...remember those words Sis, its not to make you feel guilty, its too make you think twice before hurting yourself, and as for your bulimia, you know I am here for you, as well as the group members that suffer with EDs... your not alone, and know honey... THAT YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOO LOVED 
---Sara
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I'm sorry... I know that must have come from your heart. So many people never say anything about their pain let alone write about it. I'm sorry that it is so hard for you. But you know, you're a great writer and I'm sure you're a great person too. I know that will probably not help you, me telling you this, but there are people that care about you, and not just people on this site either. Remember that. I'll be thinking about you. Jinx
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Girly I really don't know what to say besides I want to cry again but I will always be here to support you even if i don't like what you are doing to yourself but I respect you and I will support you stand by your side no matter what. I love you girly I look at you as though your my sister.
God bless
Mary
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