♥ I. A.m H.im ♥ Completed - series One

♥ I Am Him ♥1

Lets sit alone, I mean really see alone and contemplate something here. 2

Have you ever felt alone?3

Yeah sure you have-- no I mean the alone were your in a room full of people but your invisible...4

Let me tell you that is a part of life, is it not... to remain invisible to everyones eye.5

Of course if you are normal, straight have a hot boyfriend , clone friends, and a personality that makes dirt seem more interesting than sure... you not inviable.. you just the shining light that show everyone the way to be just like them.6

My name is Blake... 7

No I am not a boy8

For my name is Blair 9

No I am not a girl10

Have I confused you, well I am rather sorry, but I think it is about time we get some things straight.. oh excuse the pun for I am not straight, and if I was I would be in the ground by now, from slitting my wrist into a thousand shades of red..11

I don't do straight, hence I don't even do commitment.. until met I someone .. But he shall remain anonymous for now..12

By the way ... I am gay... hope you don't mind cause if yo have a problem with it well u can suck my left nut fucker.. cause I don't really give a shit about your never, shallow homophobia, get a life, we all have to live in this world and I'm sure as hell ain't gonna live it in the shadow of a man lost in regret cause sum tight ass couldn't get his finger out of his ass and look at me like a normal person..13

yes I am Him14

I Am Him It's like a needle A kind of evil If you're the devil It's very simple .... "Nothingface" I AM HIM115

It all started in the summer of 2006...16

Way before I was even ready to admit that I was no longer the lesbian I made out I was..17

waste really.. thought it did make me who I am so one can really not justify that can they now18

MALE ON MALE SEX....19

I had it written on the top of my page.... 20

I had taken the televising in my room on a Monday night, it was 12 am.... I more hour to my favorite show was to come on.21

MALE ON MALE SEX....22

It was my secret ... I was so scared my mother would walk in and realize I was practically watching porn.. in the lowest form of t.v... It was all about homosexuals.. gays..fagots....fairies...23

It was my dream, I wanted to be like them.24

I wanted to be a man. I wanted to be gay... more than anything I wanted what they were well equip with..25

I scribbled down a few things down on the piece of paper26

If only I knew how to be a man, than maybe I could find a boyfriend.. hate breast..must get surgery... surgery... yes.... 27

I did not understand it... months ago I was fine with my large firm breast, I enjoyed them, spent many hours watching them, playing with them sucking them, doing anything with them... now they repulsed me.. made me want to throw up..28

I wanted nipples, I wanted soft abs, I wanted a nice v line, I wanted a cock....29

Still it was now 12:30 am in the morning I felt horny.... no not horny, confused... so I stumbled into my bathroom and switched on the night light, I knew somewhere here my older brother had a dildo, he was gay how could he not...30

I was glad he wasn't home, But I found it, under a towel, there it was, a thick, rippled hard dildo...31

I looked at it, feeling it, rubbing it stroking it... suddenly I had the urge and an idea...32

I ran into my bedroom pulling my pants down and spread my legs, sliding the dildo up inside me... there it sat... inside my semi-wet inside..33

The show hard started... it started with a bang... the kind of bang I didn't need but wanted.. sex..SEX.. sex... cock.. hardcore sex...34

suddenly without realizing I had started stroking the dildo... fast and hard... though it was only lightly pressing inside me I felt some slight tingling ... 35

I looked down, confused, tears falling from my eyes... I was stroking.... stroking.... STROKING my cock.... I started to cry...36

Tuesday rolls around.. Tuesday was sports.. yuck 37

I was still a girl deep in my heart, though I wanted to pull that heart right our of my chest and replace it with a new one...38

I didn't do sport... never ... always told the teacher if she wanted to get hit in the face with my breast that was her bad luck but I wasn't going to publicly humiliate myself in order to pass school, Apart from that I Could not co-ordinate for anything, my aim and catch was useless and I ran like I had a giant pole shoved up my ass and had that been something else I wouldn't have minded.39

"Hay Blair, come over here," Hamish said from out side the locker room... all the boys knew my secret... it was a pact between us... I only had two male friends but they were well popular enough to know everyone..40

I ran over to the locker room, checking to see if any teachers had seen me...41

Hamish smiled, "Come in here."42

I looked at him with confusion.43

"If you hadn't noticed dumb ass I am a girl, I could get seriously busted if I come in there."44

"Bullshit, your a boy," he said, pushing me inside, feeling my ass a little... it sent shiver down my spine.45

As I got dragged my Hamish into the boys locker room my heart was racing. I knew what I was about to see.46

It didn't surprise me... I looked around, feeling scared as hell as at least thirty, naked or half naked boys turned my way...47

"Hay guys, I want you to meet Blake."48

Some of the guys smiled and waved and some of them turned away with embarrassment, as they weren't used to a girl looking at there cocks...49

"um.. Hi.. I said, suddenly feeling really aroused as I scanned most of the boys cocks."50

Hamish smiled, "Come and help me in my cubical, I need help with these darn zippers."51

Not being able to move or take my eyes away from the boys, I held Hamish by the hand and followed him into the cubical.52

He shut the door locking it and immediately advanced towards me..53

I felt his hand running across my pants, rubbing over them.. I felt more than aroused....54

"I want to fuck you up the ass like a guy Blair, will you let me?"55

I was confused , I was aroused and I was being given the chance to be fucked up the ass and treated like a boy.56

"But I am not a guy."57

He kissed my neck grabbing my hand and ran it down his shorts.58

"Like hell you aren't you more of a guy than me, I want to fuck you so hard Blake."59

He pushed himself into me, pulling his pants down.60

I felt compelled, and pulled mine down as he slowly turned me around and lubricated his cock with a handful of spit. 61

"You'll enjoy it," he whispered into my ear, biting my neck as he forged himself into my tight virgin ass.62

"AHHH-----FUCK---," I screamed so loud that I knew everyone could hear..63

"Yes you my sexy man Blake, feel me harden in your ass , let me fucking ram your tight ass," He whispered, slamming me against the door. 64

"Blake come back here," Hamish shouted from down the street.65

I kept walking the tears running down my face.66

"I was trying to tell you how I FEEL," he screamed.67

My ass hurt, he had pounded it pretty hard cum everywhere.. I loved it, all bar the fact that his dumb mate.. NO HIS DUMB LOSER MATE... told on us..68

Okay so maybe not on purpose and In a way I can see if your about to loose your lunch time why you would, but man.69

Hamish was rocking my hips, pulling back my hair, his cock was so big inside my small ass, I was sure I was going to be stretched... and just as he came... ramming his fingers inside my pussy... The door was unlocked by a key and I fell crashing down to the floor, pants down with his Forged up my ass.70

I guess I wasn't really angry with him, more embarrassed, since I had to be dragged out of the boys locker bay with cum all over my navy blue shirt, and all the girls were scowling since I had seen there cocks before they had.71

"Just stop Blair."72

I stopped, turning around looking into my best friends eye.73

"DON'T FUCKING PRETEND TO KNOW HOW I FEEL BITCH," I looked him in the eyes, wiping my own and kissed him.74

"I can't love you Hamish, I just can't." 75

I lay alone in my bedroom.76

The vibrator between my legs and somehow not even that was going to make me feel better tonight.77

I had been asked out, for a boyfriend, not a girlfriend but a boyfriend, which made no sense to me.78

Was he gay? Was he bisexual? Or did he really want me as a girl and not a guy?79

I knew all over I wanted to be a guy there was absolutely no doubt in my mind now. Not any guy a gay guy.80

What was I feeling? Was this what it felt like to be attracted to someone? To actually have feelings other than cynicism?81

I had loved everything about his hard cock being rammed ever so tightly up my ass. Every thrust he had made, his every touch. He had caught me of guard but now I hungered it more than ever. I hungered his every inch, his lips on my skin, his hands around my breast.82

I hated that this was making me feel more like a woman than a man.83

“A love without pain is a reading romance” the song sounded his lyrics on the radio.84

Why was the whole freaking world against me? What did I ever do to deserve such fucked up thoughts that left me more and more confused each time they entered my mind? Why had the universe chosen this fate for me? This fate full of unanswered questions and missed opportunities, this fate that made me think dying was more of a possibility than ever finding out who I really was.85

The phone rang. And at first I let it ring...One...Two..Three times.86

Downstairs mum walked up bringing the phone into my room. I was quiet lucky I had the blanket pulled up around my pants. As the vibrator was still going, massaging my pussy.87

“Hamish, he has been trying to ring all afternoon. Are you two having a fight or something?”88

Trying to take that fear from my Mothers eyes I shook my head and grabbed the phone. She could not think something was up between us. We were lifelong friends, to be fighting would be something out of the ordinary to us. My Mother knew this very well.89

“No, I was asleep and did not hear it,” I responded, taking the phone from her hand.1590

All of a sudden a great wave of arousal came over me, causing me to involuntarily moan.91

My Mother looked at me strangely, looking down to where my hand lay.92

“Blair what are you doing,” she asked nervously.93

Another shot ran throughout my body.94

“OH......MY GOD,” I screamed, trying to keep my mouth shut but it was no use. I could not move it others wise she would really know what was happening,and there was no way I could let her in on that.95

“BLAIR, what are you doing,” she screamed pulling back the blanket, revealing the vibrator doing its magic.96

I had just came. I had felt that orgasm, well close to one.97

She grabbed the phone from out of my hand.98

“Hamish she is going to have to call you back alright Honey”99

Taking the vibrator from out of my pussy, and pulling my blanket up, I avoided eye contact with her, but she was having none of it.100

“Please Explain.”101

“Blair Winter-stone.”102

“Here.”103

It was class time, English one of my favorite subjects. One I seemed to excel in despite my lack of language skills.104

Hamish sat beside me, but not by choice, but by partner placement.105

“Jillian west,” the teacher sighed, ticking of name by name, watching the class with her hawk like eyes for anyone who dared to disrupt her.106

“Here.”107

Hamish rested his hand on mine, pulling me towards him and looked me sadly in the eyes.108

“How come you never called me back last night?” he asked, his slender hands, tickling my fingers.109

I pulled back sharply, placing my hands underneath the table, trying not to look into his eyes anymore than I had to. I hated this, I hated the silence and bitterness that had come between us, but I had to keep quite for my own good.110

“I was busy,”I said, out right lying and he knew me to well. How did I ever think I would get away with this with lies?111

“Henry kins.”112

“Here”113

He frowned, leaning closer towards me, I could feel his desperate hot breath on my skin.114

“Bullshit, why did you not call me back Blair?”115

“Hamish would you please zip the lips, unless you are wanting to share your lunch time with me.”116

He shook his head.117

“Hell no Mame.”118

Her brows furrowed into a deep annoyance.119

“Good then keep that fly trap of your shut long enough for me to finish the roll, Now is peter shell here?”120

“Here.”121

“Because My mother found me.”122

He raised his eyes brows again, suddenly very intrigued my my answer.123

“Found you, Found you what?”124

I knew very well he would not give up until I told him, hopefully he might leave me alone in silence for a while once he heard what I had been found doing. At least I could hope.125

I leaned forward, whispering in his ear, I could feel his hand creeping towards my lap with every word.126

“Oh yeah baby,” he cried with a sense or arousal, suddenly as soon as I pulled away, forgetting about the silence in the room.127

Every bodies eyes turned towards Hamish and I, even the teacher found it slightly amusing as she placed her book on the desk and held her hand over her mouth, chuckling.128

Hamish turned a nice shade of pink, as he let his hand fall to his side.129

“I mean yeah baby I can't wait for this weekend, right is everybody with me?”130

Some people snickered, while other shook their head in disbelief.131

My teacher took her hand away from her mouth, resting it on the desk and looked directly at Hamish.132

“Care to explain to the principle why you think it is good to cry out and provoke your arousal while I am trying to teach my class?”133

Hamish cocked his head to the side, looking at the teacher befuddled.134

“I was not doing anything, I swear, I really am just pumped for the weekend.”135

Not buying any of it she turned around writing something on a red slip of paper.136

“Whatever you claim you were doing it was still rude and inappropriately loud for my class, so you can just carry yourself on down to the principle mister and let him decide how to handle this disturbance.137

Sheer horror flashed in his eyes, as he looked at me and shook his head.138

“Well Hamish, come along I haven't got all day.”139

He shook his head. His hand sliding down the desk.140

“I cant miss not right now, can I please go after class.”141

She looked at him annoyed and shook her head.142

“No I am sorry but you do not have the leisure of deciding when I think it is best for you to leave, I have a class to run and you have done nothing but disrupt it all morning, not take your slip and kindly leave my class.”143

He shook his head, pulling his chair tightly in, making his position clear.144

“You don't understand miss I cannot get up.”145

At once it ticked, immediately I understood the fact that had got my teacher wondering with confusion.146

“And why not Hamish?”147

Blushing he lowered his head to the desk, trying to dodge the question.148

“Well, hurry up you are starting to waste our precious time.”149

Hamish remained silent, and I could not take the interrogation any more.150

“He can't move cause he has a hard on over something I whispered to him while you were so boringly reading the roll.”151

If Hamish was pink before it was nothing compared to the bright red color his cheeks had turned after my announcement.152

The whole class erupted in laughter, some people began extending their finger signifying the erection he had.153

The teacher now a nice shade of red herself, coughed to clear her throat, and signed another red slip.154

“Well in that case Miss Winter -stone, I think it might be best for the both of you if you take Hamish's place for the time being.155

Smiling I stood up, straightening my skirt, I did not care about the punishment, it was a great escape from Hamish and his constant need to have me around.156

I walked up to the teacher, snatching the slip out of her hand and grinned.157

“With pleasure,” I said walking away. 158

“I Just got a call from school Blair.”159

I looked at my Mother, fury in her eyes.160

“Your point being?” I muttered sarcastically.161

With her hands on her hips she frowned.162

“My point being Young lady is that according to Mr carter, You provoked Hamish in class, to say in the least, I would like to understand this obsession with sex my dear.”163

Laughing I almost fell of the stool as I stirred my coffee. Finding it embarrassing that she would even try and have this conversation with me.164

“My obsession with sex Mother, oh god please this has nothing at all to do with sex and even if it did I would not tell you anything in the first place.”165

Intrigued she pulled up a stool , sitting besides me.166

“Well come on dear you can tell me, we have always shared things.”167

Snickering I took a sip of my coffee.168

“No offense Mother, but I think I would get more sense from a dog.”169

Offended she scowled.170

“Try me, I bet you it can't be that bad that you are begging for attention.”171

Attention, I was not begging for anything, if anything I wanted people to leave me alone, leave me be inside my dark sick thoughts, But if she really wanted to know, I would tell her, then when the shit falls down and I'm not around she would have no one the blame but herself, of course she wanted the truth.172

“Alright you really wanna know?” I asked, pushing my drink away.173

Nodding she moved closer towards me.174

“Ready.”175

I took a deep breath, trying to think of how to word it. Then I knew exactly what to say.176

“I want to be a man, not any man, a gay man.”177

"what are you doing Blair?" my mother asked as I slung my bag over my shoulder.178

"Leaving."179

She looked at me strangely as if it were some kind of joke, if only she knew how deadly serious I really was.180

"Now that's just silly, out your stuff down I am sure we can talk about this, if it is that man thing, I am sure we can go get some help."181

I frowned at her.182

"It is not a problem that can be so easily fixed mother and for you information this has nothing to do with that."183

Like clock work she slammed my bedroom door shut, fuming. I knew it was all because she did not want me to leave.184

“Why are you doing this Blair?”185

“Doing what exactly, cause It’s not like I am doing anything illegal, anything wrong at all I just need to get away ok?”186

She laughed, not a happy laugh, a laugh like that of fear.187

“Why are you so bitter, you used to be so happy why this, why now , tell me what has happened and we can fix it.”188

Sighing I pushed her to the side, unlocking the door.189

“I guess this is just something you will never understand, I am not broken, I am not a toy and I do not need to be fixed do you hear me? I just want to be left alone to figure this shit put ok?190

“I need it.”191

“You need what?” Hamish asked as I stood outside his balcony window, trying not to fall of the room to my death.192

“I need sex.”193

Hamish grabbed me by the arms and pulled me in, letting my land on the sofa that was near the window.194

My skirt hiked up and I left it there, as I stood with my hand in his, waiting for him to say something.195

“Oh god Blair do you know humiliated you made me the other day at school?”196

I looked solemnly at him, feeling the urge to just slap him down and force him onto the bed.197

“I know and I am sorry, but I had to do something, she was going to make you stand up and show everyone that huge soldier of your at attention, think of it as a thank you for fucking me up the ass last time.”198

“Ass…” he whispered so seductively, grabbing a hold on mine.199

I jumped as he spanked me a little harder, and hiked up my school skirt till It was past my waist.200

“You want to be Blair or Blake tonight baby?”201

Why did he have to ruin the moment? For once could Hamish just not let something be?202

“I dunno Hamish you tell me, do I look hard tonight or am are my panties completely dripping and soaking wet with arousal.”203

He moved his hands forward, placing them between his crutch and mine.204

Pinching my clit through my panties, I leaked a little soaking it through onto his dry fingers.205

“Mmm definitely a girl tonight.206

I frowned, trying to push him away, but he continued to pinch.207

“Oh… Hamish no. No I can’t I’m not a girl remember.”208

Laughing he slipped a finger deep into my panties, pushing it into my pussy.209

“well you sure could have fooled me.”210

“Stop it Hamish I mean it,” I said pushing him away, trying so hard to stop myself from letting him take me.211

Angrily he pulled away, swinging me around onto the bed.212

“Do you want it as Blake then? For god sake Blair when are you going to make up your mind?213

I lowered my head, facing the ground.214

“If you don't want me I can always just leave and never come back, cause I am not going back home I can tell you that right now.”215

He shook his head with fear.216

“No..No I am sorry... Please don't leave me again I love you to much.”217

He slid his soft hand under my chin, bringing my face to his.218

“Turn around,” He whispered, holding my thighs.219

I did as I was told, seeing the desperation in his eyes. What I had craved, his begging, but this was close enough.220

“Pull your panties of,” He ordered.221

I pulled them down, to my ankles as he spread my cheeks.222

“Know I am only doing this because I love you.”223

I nodded.224

“In that case don't go easy on me.”225

I lay there in Hamish's arms wrapped tightly around my waist.226

His Mother had not come home so we were safe and alone for a while.227

I felt slightly strange, as if all the build up leading to that moment could have caused me to really loose my cool but instead I handled it with more silence than anything.228

I had run away, maybe from my mother, and maybe even from my life, but I could never run away from myself. It was me, it was just who I was.229

He had done me a favor. I had made up my mind, I had to do everything in my mind to make it happen. To make myself completely the person I was meant to be, born to be, needed to be. I needed sweet liberation.230

Hamish stirred, his hand brushing against my ass. Sending a spark throughout my body, I shivered.231

He had given me exactly what I needed, and it had been incredible. He did not leave me any mercy, he had gone at it like I never thought he would, He was wild and I loved having him inside me. I thought I would never have that pleasure again.232

I rolled over, sliding his hand back onto my hips. 233

He opened his eyes, looking into mine, watery and tired.234

“Do you want me as a girlfriend or Boyfriend?” I asked, needing to just set the record straight, it was important for me just to hear those words.235

He smiled, leaning forward, kissing my bottom lip.236

“I think This might be my coming out story,” he said laughing.237

I looked at him strangely, was he joking or was he serious.238

He sensed my confusion.239

“I want you to be my boyfriend Blake, I want your gay little ass to be mine forever, cause I love you, I always have, and if this is who you really want to be, then who am I to deny you of that wish, whoever you are I don't care, I just want to be with you.”240

I smiled, pulling him closer, kissing him passionately.241

“No touchy,” I said pointing to my pussy.242

He laughed, sliding his hand down the back of my pants, caressing my ass cheek243

“No... No touchy.”