♥ Make Me, I Dare You ♥
chapter one- Stormy Dexter 1
If it was me with him, I would hold him tight and never let him go. Of course, it wasn’t me though. It was him ... 2
Storm dexter was the most beautiful man I had ever seen in my life. 3
I was only sixteen going on seventeen but I sure knew what I liked when I saw a fine piece of art like himself. That he was, Art like a finely sculptured piece of art work, crafter with curves and previsioned with a voice like an angel. 4
I watched him as he gracefully entered the room, his art bag slung tightly over his broad perfect shoulders. His smile almost so perfect it was like God himself must have been so proud of creating something so unique. 5
“What up Gay-boy?” an idiot in the front row screamed at him as he tried to find his seat amongst the students in the back row. 6
Sticking out his foot the idiot tripped storm up, causing him to fall flat on his face in front of him. 7
The whole class erupted in laughter as he tried to pick himself of the ground, salvaging what ever integrity he had left. 8
I stood up unaware of what my body was doing , and leaned forward offering my hand. 9
He took it kindly, as I pulled him up on his feet, looking into those storm Grey eyes. 10
“Thanks Kin,” he said softly, his voice echoing through out my mind. 11
He knew my name... How did he know my name? 12
Oh no duh Kin he has only been in your Art class for the past seven months of course he is bound to know your name. 13
I hated it when my inner voice did that. I must have had a stupid look on my face as I was still holding onto his hand. 14
Pulling away I brushed my hand across my thighs. 15
“Hay are you a gay -boy to Kin?” the idiot asked. 16
I shook my head, deadly afraid of what they might do to me if I responded with the most truthful answer. 17
“Well you sure look like one you fucking Pansie, get out of my sight you both make me sick.” 18
I turned away walking towards my seat, so as to not draw any more attention to myself before the teacher arrived. 19
“Hay Kin.” 20
I twirled around to see Stormy standing behind me. 21
“Do you mind if I sit with you?” 22
Shaking my head, I smiled, trying ever so hard not to smile to much, to show him how keen I really was. 23
“Sure why not.” 24
♥ end of Chapter One ♥
Author notes
Hi my name is Blair..P.M (PRODIGIOUS.MIRTH)
my story is:
♥ Make Me, I Dare You ♥
I am seventeen
Live in australia
I love to write - Obsessivly
Novel in progress- "The Appariton Man"
Short stories to many
Hope you enjoy
A contest entry
- ♥ When You Kiss...♥ by always feel pretty.
457 points, ended March 20, 2008, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Picture Inspired........or other things! by J-Menz223.
350 points, ended March 8, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Deep opinions, Honest opinions, helpfull Opinions
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
-
Is good
this roks... i hope you win
-
Good start, captured the classroom scene very well, look forward to more!
-
Hi. I stumbled across this while checking out the shameless list so I thought I'd come in and have a peek. I do love gay stories so automatically I love this, but aside from that reason I haven't been drawn into this yet. It feels like just a bare skeleton in it's current stage. I feel like it needs a lot more description for it to be really amazing. So here is what I'll critique/suggest:
Names always need to be capitalized. I noticed here: Storm dexter was the most and here: tripped storm up
The fourth and fifth paragraphs irked me because in the first one you use the word art a lot, and in the second you do the same thing but with the word perfect. I want to see some variation when you're talking about something that gets mentioned a lot but could be worded differently. Try to be creative with the words and it will make a great improvement.
I noticed a few parts like this: “What up Gay-boy?” an idiot in the front
You need a comma before the Gay-boy thing because it is a name the person is using for him. So for example: “Thanks, Kin,” he said and “Hay, Kin.”
There are a lot of one sentence paragraphs when there shouldn't be because the following sentence is still following the same subject/action. For example, lines 7, 8, 9, and 10, should all be one single paragraph because they're all talking about one action happening which is the guy falling on his face and being helped up. Also, 14 and 15 should be together.
If this part was on purpose 'I twirled around to see Stormy standing behind me.' then I don't like it because you're suddenly going from calling him Storm to Stormy with no explanation at all, you know?
I think the last thing is that you've got some to's in here which should be too's. I just don't have time to point them out.
So, in conclusion, it's good but it could be great. I want to see more description. You gotta fatten up this story and it'll make a huge difference. Keep working at it, I'm sure you can do it! :0)
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
-
*tears form in my eyes*
So cute, I'm sorry, don't take that wrong...
If it were me I'd have tackled the idiot boy, and beat him to a pulpish matter of blood, flesh, and stickyness. *intense eyes* And if you are wondering if I'm faking it, I've punched people for less...
Please tell me there is more to this story!?!?!?! please!?!?!?!
*stalks your profile*
~VoT
-
Not Bad At All
Could use a little fixing up, but it will be nice to see the story in it's entirety. Characters and inner thoughts are believable.
-
well written and very interesting , very good flow. I would love to read more.
-
Short and i feel this is lacking your usualy luster but I still feel this is a good story and very well writen.
-
I loved this! I'm glad there's going to be more of this because I was like, "OMG. It ended."
It just shows that sometimes people who are "different" have a harder time.
(I still don't understand what makes up 'different' because really, if you think about it, we're all supposed to be different - right? I don't know. I seriously don't know what's going through people's heads when they make comments like, "What up, gay-boy?" But I love how you conveyed the fact that Kin isn't like that at all - obviously.)
I laughed at this part; "He knew my name...How did he know my name?" It's cute.
Anyways,
Thank you sooo much for entering. This was really good and it made me smile.
erica♥xoxo
-
This was a good first chapter. I liked the characters (is the guy's name Storm or Stormy?). There are a few errors I spotted dealing with too many spaces, lack of commas, capitalization and maybe some spelling (it's just that I spell it "hey" and you spell it "hay"...it's stylistic, I suppose). Anyhow, great story start...good luck in the contest!
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 5.
-
another kick ass story in progress! Dont over load yourself though because we wouldnt you to confuse yourself. Love ya though!
-
This is a really great start to the story. A few mechanical errors needed to be weedled out of there, but otherwise, very good. Can't wait to read the rest of this!
-
Hehe, aww, cute.
I presume there will be more to come on this one?
People are stupid, like the idiots tripping Storm and giving Kin shit for helping him up.
I hate people in general.
-MooseL OVER AND OUT -
dawwwwww!! its cute!! that stupid idiot!! *burns the idiot* i hate homophobes!!! and specially when they deny it! =_=' anyway...i really liked it...to continue...its really sweet...!
-
in the paragraph about him being like art, it got very repetitive.
in the "are you a gay-boy to" it should be too
This is a good start, and should turn out to be a good story. Just be careful of being repetitive and you should be fine -
Good beginning
Few punctuation errors where sentences really needed broken into smaller segments. Message is good as always.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
-
Ah, yet another story of gay men.
I love you xD
This is awesome! Are they going to get together and make lots of babies?! Oh, wait...
Hehes. Can't wait to read more! You're amazing ^_^ -
I really, really like this. It's seems like the starting of an amazing story, you write well. I can't for more of this.
-
Really sweet. Stupid homophobic idiot though.. I mean.. really.
good job -
I like this story, but tis too short. : (
lol, bring it to me, miss Blair! -
oooh interesting so far!
i like it. You told the story really well and i could see it in my head as it went on.
Good job! -
Such chemistry already between those two!! Mmmm I am liking this one right off bat. Grrrr that prick ass in it needed slapped for what he did. So sweet of Kin to help him up, awwwww. I think this is going to become yet another favorite of mine!
~Joann
-
Sweat love it
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
Adding your comment:
1 - 22 of 22
