“Okay, truth or dare?” 1
Tiffany wrinkled her nose, concentrating on making a selection. A piece of her vibrant red hair fell in her face, and she stared at it as though it would reveal the best answer to the seemingly impossible-to-answer question. After a few seconds, she sighed reluctantly. “Truth.”2
Her friend Amanda, seated on the other end of the twin bed, giggled. “Okay, okay. Um…if you had to kiss one guy from school, who would it be?”3
Tiffany’s jaw dropped in false disgust. “Isn’t it obvious?” she said. “Jason Montgomery!”4
“Why?” Amanda grabbed her pillow and hid her emerging grin behind it. “You’ve got to tell me why, or the question doesn’t count.”5
“You know why,” she replied with a smile. “I’d kiss him to make you jealous!”6
“Shut up!” her companion shrieked and tossed her pillow in Tiffany’s direction. It flew through her slim torso and made contact with the wall on the other side of the room.7
“Ha!” she laughed. “You can’t hit someone that’s not really there!”8
“Whatever,” Amanda said in a sarcastically frustrated tone.9
At the sound of the doorknob turning, both girls jumped, startled. The bedroom door opened slowly. In the doorway stood Amanda’s mother, dressed in pajamas, a housecoat and bunny slippers. The circles under her eyes informed her daughter of the late hour; a glance at the alarm clock confirmed the fact.10
“Amanda, it’s late,” Ms. James moaned as she rubbed her eyes. “You really need to go to sleep. You have school tomorrow, and you’re keeping everyone up.”11
“But, Mom!” the girl protested. “Tiffany and I are playing truth or dare!”12
Her mother closed her eyes and shook her head. “Honestly, Honey,” she said, “you’re twelve years old. That’s much too old for imaginary friends.”13
“Is not,” Amanda whined.14
Too tired to argue, Ms. James simply sighed. “Just go to sleep, Amanda. Now.” With that, she left her daughter’s room, closing the door behind her.15
Amanda frowned. How many times has Mom told me I’m too grown up to believe in Tiffany? she thought. How many times has she told me to grow up, and I didn’t listen? Maybe, if I act like she wants me to, she won’t get mad at me anymore. Maybe she’ll accept me as her daughter, not just some kid with too much of an imagination. Amanda turned back to face her companion. “Tiffany, look. I think my mom is right. I am too old for imaginary friends.”16
Tiffany stared at Amanda in surprise. A moment later, the shock on her face transformed into a look of obvious disappointment and frustration. In an instant, Tiffany miraculously disappeared. Amanda blinked, but the girl that had been sitting in front of her was gone.17
“Tiffany?” Amanda looked around her room, hoping to find some sign of her companion. There was nothing. The girl collapsed onto her mattress, defeated. Maybe I am too old for imaginary friends, Amanda repeated silently. 18
Or maybe I just can’t handle it anymore.19
* * *20
“Sir.”21
Clark Palmer looked up from the large stack of paperwork piled on his desk. A woman’s tall, slender silhouette was visible through the doorway of his office. He frowned. “Tiffany Small? Is there any reason you’re back so soon?” 22
Tiffany sauntered into the office and flopped down onto the chair positioned in front of Clark’s desk. She appeared distressed: her fiery red hair, normally kept in outstanding condition, had been pulled back haphazardly into a tight ponytail. The look of anxiety and disappointment on her pale face worried Clark. After a few moments, Tiffany spoke.23
“We’re losing her, Sir.”24
Clark clenched his fists and hunched over in an attempt to control his anger. “We,” he demanded harshly, the creases on his forehead deepening by the second, “or you?”25
“It’s not me!” Tiffany cried. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “It’s her mother. The girl’s started to give in.26
“I’m seeing a trend here, Sir,” she continued. Clark looked up, concerned. “The older they get, the less they believe. Now, I know the girl will come back around soon enough, but we’re pushing our luck as it is. We’re running out of time. In all likelihood, this approach just won’t be good enough. I think it’s time to cut our losses and invest our time and efforts in something more reliable.”27
Clark’s eyes narrowed. “Reliable? What, exactly, are you suggesting?”28
Tiffany stared at him intently with dazzling green eyes. “Plan B.”29
Gasps from outside the office were heard through the door. Clark sighed; the lack of respect for privacy his reception staff possessed was simply appalling. He shook his head and turned his attention back to the matter at hand. “Plan B,” he repeated, unconvinced. “Now? Do you honestly believe she’s ready for it? What makes you think it will be any better than what we’re doing already?”30
“At this point, it doesn’t matter anymore. How long do you think we have left before it’s too late? We’re losing more and more support by the second. I know it’s chancy, but frankly, Sir, we need to run with this strategy, or we could find ourselves doomed for all eternity.” She looked at Clark pointedly. “If you come up with a better suggestion, by all means, go ahead. Right now, though, this is our best shot.”31
“Look, I can’t just—” Clark stopped himself. He drew in a breath and ran one hand through his cropped black hair. “Miss Small, you’re a brilliant, reliable and passionate Keeper. I have faith in you. I just don’t want to see years of work go to waste.”32
“They won’t,” she assured him. She gingerly placed a thin, well-manicured hand on his. “With all due respect, Sir, spending years befriending children—” she grimaced as she said the word, “—only to have them turn their backs on us when we need them most is work gone to waste.”33
“But is she really the one? How will we know if she’s strong enough to go through with this?”34
“She’s as good as we’re going to get, and considering the circumstances, that should be good enough to gain the upper hand. It will work out. Don’t worry.”35
Clark leaned forward and beckoned Tiffany to do the same. “I’m trusting you with this,” he said. “Don’t make me regret that trust.”36
Tiffany gave him a half smile. “Yes, Sir.” She then stood, transformed into the image of her childhood self, and left the office.
Author notes
I've got the rest of this book self-published under my other name.
It's received rave reviews from those who have read it...I urge you to check it out! 
www.lulu.com/content/3545451
A contest entry
- Pre-write Pandemonium! by B Chandler.
200 points, ended April 1, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For The Little Ones ( For Ages 16 and Under ) by Miss Hanako Cullen.
300 points, ended April 4, 2008, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Good Writing by checkmate-.
600 points, ended April 25, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Two Days Only! Hit me with your best prewrite!!! by Princess Peaches.
111 points, ended April 28, 2008, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Superawesomewonderfuluberspiffyness (Name supplied by Trisarahtops. XD) by Sousuke.
225 points, ended June 22, 2008, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - An Awesome Contest! by HopelesslyInLove.
170 points, ended June 20, 2008, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Stories Please by Violet Moodswing.
600 points, ended June 16, 2008, 33 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by Vampiric souls.
225 points, ended June 19, 2008, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - First Things First - Writing 101 Group Contest by IrishYndina.
600 points, ended July 9, 2008, 21 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best Of The Best 2008 ♥ by Missi.
420 points, ended July 8, 2008, 45 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What Is Perfection? by Frozen Angel.
225 points, ended July 20, 2008, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Would you read the rest? ^.º
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
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Nice
I like the title, it's very touching, when you consider the story. The concept is nice, and the whole story sounds like it'd be a fun read. -
Nice
I like the title, it's very touching, when you consider the story. The concept is nice, and the whole story sounds like it'd be a fun read. -
Yes i would
It was cool. It was a little vage. but cool. -
Well, I started reading this thinking it was just another teenage sleepover - but then there was the twist of Tiffany being "imaginary," and the further twist of seeing the REAL Tiffany, and now I'm officially intrigued. Very nicely played!
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It's SOOOO awesome that you got this published!!! This is a great story!!! Great job!!! Keep writing!!!
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so cool that this is published. its really good!
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When I first started reading I was a little surprised and was thinking it was along the lines of a classic tale but I really enjoyed the twist. You've come at this story from a completely different angle and you've done a fabulous job.
You might want to delve a little more into Amanda's thinking - her conclusions seemed a little abrupt. I would love to see it continued.
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woah this is good, and interesting, its a great concept and I could see more coming out of it!!
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Thanks for your entry. A very fresh approach to the imaginary friend scenario. And as per your Authors notes, yes I would read more
Best of luck in my contest. -
No less than AMAZING.
Hey ! I'm pretty sure you know who this is
I read the book, and I thought it was ABSOLUTELY AWESOME !
You are a great writer, no doubt about that.
Congrats
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I really liked this! I'd like to read more if there was more. The concept is great! I never would have thought of it =]
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Nice job.
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:O!!!
That was awesome!! I LOVE THE CLIFFHANGER!!!... there's so many things I could say about it yet I can't find the words!! I love how you took a simple concept such as immaginary friends and made something different and new off of it! I can't wait to read more!!!
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Wow! This was excellent. I really liked this a lot. Wonderfully written. The characters were great, loved Tiffany. What's plan B by the way? Very curious. Keep on writing. God Bless!
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I really liked reading this!
It was really cute.
Also i'm sure like everyone whats plan b?
It's kind of a nice way to look at an imaginary friend
As actually being real and magical and just the kids grow to old
And stop beleiving and if no one beleives well they can't stay
But all in all i really enjoyed this
And it was well written
Very good job :]
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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:] I loved it! The imagination, the characters..... It made me laugh here and there and it was awesome!
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Wow. *stares*
What happens now?! Must know. More, please. =]
Anyway, this was SO well written and it made me generally happy.
So well written, and SO much suspense. I really need more. Please and thank you.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Very very nice buildup there, from the mystery of who the redheaded friend *really* is to the mysterious plan B and the questions of why it is so important to keep children from disbelieving...
I can't help but want to know more - this is a great sign!
What I enjoyed most about this was that this is real enough to be, well, reality. It's like the world we all know and it's one of those wonderful "what if"s.
A few things did catch my attention, though. One was that the girl's turn-about was a little too sudden for me to really believe it. She just went ahead and decided a long friendship was over - out of the blue? Just because her mom said so? Maybe a little more build-up to that moment would make it more likely? Could the character be upset and say something like that out of anger?
Still, lovely write. Good luck with it!
Nocturne
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By the way, I know it's been a whole month, but I need to thank you for that comment. I added a little more internal conflict about ending the relationship with the imaginary friend - not much, but enough that it seems a little more realistic. You probably don't remember the story AT ALL, but I just thought I should thank you.
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No, not at all. I remember this story well. Once I read something, it's perma-pressed into my memory. I'm glad my comment helped. You're very sincerely welcome.
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Oh my gosh! You have me totally hooked! I really want to find out what happens next. Whew. This was a really refreshing read, and I love how you put this story together. Do you have anymore of this story? Good luck, keep writing, and thanks for entering!
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Only Excellent
Hello...V,
I think: This was well written...very much so
I think: This was creative
I think: You have talent
I think: You are on a unique path...and
I think: You ought to continue; even if you need to enlist the inspirational help of YOUR muse.
Very nice.
Poof!
GA
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if was very creative. you got my attentiong when the pillow went through the girl and i had to keep reading to find out whats going on
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This is awesome. It's original and magical. A story about the life of an imaginary friend is an amazing concept. Keep writing!
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Very nice, wonderful pace and adorable characters.
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Ok, I read everyone else's critiques. I thought this was awesome. You grabbed and held my attention through out the entire story. I was actually hoping this was going to have a to be continued or maybe point me to where I can buy the book and finish the story. There is so much intrique developed so quickly that my mind is already forming theories and sub plots.
Well done!
John
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Um...wow! I can't thank you enough for this comment! I'm actually on my way to finishing the novella (since it will be less than 100 pages *grins sheepishly*), but your input really propels me on! Thanks so much! I'll be sure to let you know when it's done
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Very creative!
Good dialogue--keeps you moving along with the story. -
Great!
This has a very interesting setting to it. It kind of reminds me of the story of Peter Pan, really. Little kids not wanting to grow up, and continuing to embrace their childhood. I'm not entirely sure about how you ended this piece, so that's why I put a 3 in there. It just seemed a bit too vague to me. Anyways, there were a few different points in the piece where you forgot to put an end quotation mark. Like by number 26:
“It was her mother. The girl gave in.
It's just things like that which you need to fix. Other then that it has some very compelling and interesting characters. I'm not sure I truly feel the connection between Clark and Tiffany, but perhaps if I were to read through it again I might get a better image. Keep up the great work!beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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The end quote thing was on purpose, because Tiffany begins the next paragraph with another quote. Because she speaks next, with no descriptions in between, end quotes aren't necessary. Thanks, though!
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This is really good, I loved the idea, very original. So this is the truth behind imaginary friends, hehe.
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I love the premise. It is quite honestly one of the most original pieces I've seen in a long time. I get the feeling this is a prologue or a first chapter and as such it sets up a great opening for a story.
I like the pace, it moves quickly but still leaves enough room for descriptiveness. I really was on the edge of my seat for the entirety of the piece, and now actually am very interested to see what happens next. Good job hooking the reader.
Overall a great piece and I can't wait to see more from you.
Kat
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I really enjoyed this, I think some of the critiques below are valid (eg. B Chandler's), but overall this was highly enjoyable.
The pacing is quite clever; tricking the reader at each turn: first a story about two friends, then the twist - she's imaginary - then she disappears. But - she's not imaginary, and she might be somewhat sinister.
You seem to have a good control over your syntax, and a grace with words - especially
"The circles under her eyes informed her daughter of the late hour; a glance at the alarm clock confirmed the fact."
Good luck with getting published, I hope to read the rest of this someday.
A. H.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Commentary Critique
The story as a whole really gives the reader something to look for – a hidden plot, you can almost say. However, adding onto what ‘Coffee Cat’ had said, in addition to my commentary, the story has a very strong “bone structure” but could use a small bit of tweaking in some areas. One of the most important things I will gripe on you about is that you need to space this story out into sections instead of it looking smashed together like a really badly made sandwich. Also, where it was talking about the ‘But, Mom!’ line, all you can do for the incomplete effect is just add in dot-dot-dot ( ... ) then the exclamation point.
In part two of this story, use the question mark because it is giving off that impression of when you’re or your character is approaching someone of authority, the question comes in…not the period.
Another line in pt two is ‘We,” he demanded harshly, ……”, take out the comma after harshly. It holds no purpose.
Together this is what your story could look like corrected:
“Okay, truth or dare?”
Tiffany wrinkled her nose, concentrating on making a selection. A piece of her vibrant red hair fell in her face, and she stared at it as though it would reveal the best answer to the seemingly impossible-to-answer question. After a few seconds, she sighed reluctantly.
“Truth.”
Her friend Amanda, seated on the other end of the twin bed, giggled. “Okay, okay. Um...if you had to kiss one guy from school, who would it be?”
Tiffany’s jaw dropped in false disgust. “Isn’t it obvious?” she gasped. “Jason Montgomery!”
“Why?” Amanda grabbed her pillow and hid her emerging grin behind it.
“You’ve got to tell me why, or the question doesn’t count.”
“You know why,” she replied with a smile. “I’d kiss him to make you jealous!”
“Shut up!” her companion shrieked and tossed her pillow in Tiffany’s direction. It flew through her slim torso and made contact with the wall on the other side of the room.
“Ha!” she laughed. “You can’t hit someone that’s not really there!”
“Whatever,” Amanda said in a sarcastically frustrated tone.
At the sound of the doorknob turning, both girls jumped, startled. The bedroom door opened slowly. In the doorway stood Amanda’s mother, dressed in pajamas, a housecoat and bunny slippers. The circles under her eyes informed her daughter of the late hour; a glance at the alarm clock confirmed the fact.
“Amanda, it’s late,” Ms. James moaned as she rubbed her eyes. “You really need to go to sleep. You have school tomorrow, and you’re keeping everyone up.”
“But, Mom… !” the girl protested. “Tiffany and I are playing truth or dare!”
Her mother closed her eyes and shook her head. “Honestly, Honey,” she mumbled, “you’re much too old for imaginary friends.”
“Am not,” Amanda whined.
Too tired to argue, Ms. James simply sighed. “Just go to sleep, Amanda. Now.” With that, she left her daughter’s room, closing the door behind her.
After a moment of deep thought, Amanda turned back to face her companion.
“Tiffany, look. I think my mom is right. I am too old for imaginary friends.”
Tiffany stared at Amanda in surprise. A moment later, the shock on her face transformed into a look of obvious disappointment and frustration; and in an instant, Tiffany miraculously disappeared. Amanda blinked, but the girl that had been sitting in front of her was gone.
“Tiffany?” Amanda looked around her room, hoping to find some sign of her companion. There was nothing. The girl collapsed onto her mattress, defeated. Maybe I am too old for imaginary friends, Amanda repeated silently.
Or maybe I just can’t handle it anymore.
* *
“Sir ?”
Clark Palmer looked up from the large stack of paperwork piled on his desk. A woman’s tall, slender silhouette was visible through the doorway of his office. He frowned. “Tiffany Small? Is there any reason you’re back so soon?”
Tiffany sauntered into the office and flopped down onto the chair positioned in front of Clark’s desk. She appeared distressed: her fiery red hair, normally kept in outstanding condition, had been pulled back haphazardly into a tight ponytail. The look of anxiety and disappointment on her pale face worried Clark. After a few moments, Tiffany spoke.
“We lost her, Sir.”
Clark clenched his fists and hunched over in an attempt to control his anger. “We,” he demanded harshly the creases on his forehead deepening by the second, “or you?”
“It wasn’t me!” Tiffany cried. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “It was her mother. The girl gave in.
“I’m seeing a trend here, Sir,” she continued. Clark looked up, concerned.
“The older they get, the less they believe. Now, I know the girl will come back around eventually, but we’re pushing our luck as it is. We’re running out of time to be toyed with. In all likelihood, this approach simply won’t be good enough. I think it’s time to cut our losses and invest ourselves in something more reliable.”
Clark’s eyes narrowed. “Reliable? What, exactly, are you suggesting?”
Tiffany stared at him intently with dazzling green eyes. “Plan B.”
Gasps from outside the office were heard through the door. Clark sighed; the lack of respect for privacy his reception staff possessed was simply appalling. He shook his head and turned his attention back to the matter at hand. “Plan B,” he repeated, unconvinced. “Now? Do you honestly believe she’s ready for it? What makes you think it will be any more effective that what we’re doing already?”
“At this point, it doesn’t matter anymore. How long do you think we have left before it’s too late? We’re losing more and more support by the second. Frankly, Sir, we need to run with this strategy, or we could find ourselves doomed for all eternity.” She looked at Clark pointedly. “If you come up with a better suggestion, by all means, go ahead. For now, however, this is our best shot.”
“Look, I can’t just—” Clark stopped himself. He drew in a breath and ran one hand through his cropped black hair. “Miss Small, you’re a brilliant, reliable and passionate Keeper. I have faith in you. I just don’t want to see years of work go to waste.”
“They won’t,” she assured him. She gingerly placed a thin, well-manicured hand on his. “With all due respect, Sir, spending years befriending children—” she grimaced as she said the word, “—only to have them turn their backs on us when we need them most is work gone to waste.”
“But is she really the one? How will we know if she’s strong enough to go through with this?”
“She’s as good as we’re going to get, and considering the circumstances, that should be good enough to gain the upper hand. It will work out. Don’t worry.”
Clark leaned forward and beckoned Tiffany to do the same. “I trust you with this,” he whispered. “Don’t make me regret that trust.”
Tiffany gave him a half smile. “Yes sir.” She then stood, transformed into the image of her childhood self, and left the office. -
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Thanks for all the comments...and I mean ALL. Wow, you sure made this comment long.
The spacing thing was really my fault; I just copied and pasted from Word, and it didn't do it automatically, so I didn't bother. This story isn't primarily for SW anyway.
About the "he demanded harshly" thing, I put the comma there because it separated the clauses that don't go together. If you really think about it, "he demanded harshly the creases on his forehead deepening by the second" doesn't really make sense, because it sort of sounds like the guy was demanding things TO the creases or something. I suppose I could move that sentence (the creases on his forehead deepening by the second) to a spot before or after the quote itself, so they stand alone.
Okay, I NEED to stop making excuses. You are very thoughtful...thanks for taking so much care in commenting on my work!
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Pretty good story. Some small grammar mistakes like "But, Mom!" the girl protested. "But, Mom!" The girl...
You get my drift. Be careful about some of those mistakes -
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Actually, the part with "the girl" was a continuation of the sentence, therefore I can't really capitalize it. That's like saying:
"But, Mom!"
She said.
You can't say "she said" on its own, so I leave it lowercase. Thanks anyway!
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Post, post, post, post!
I want to know what happens...... Please keep posting!
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I understand why you wouldnt want to put the whole story out there, its wondeful! I loved the way it started and ended (the little bit you did give to us) it is so appealing...to anyone of any age, sex, creed...keep on writing!
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its very good please continue
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Oh pretty please post the rest!
Very well written, through and through.
The biggest smile grew on my face at this line, "It flew through her slim torso and made contact with the wall on the other side of the room." At first I thought she was a ghost, but an invisible friend is just as interesting.
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Good story
Yes I think you should continue. I would like to read what happens next. Your story reminded me of my own little girl. She would talk and laugh to herself in her room and have a great old time.
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Oh, Yes! By all means post!
Excellent beginning to a story. Well written, fast moving and a surprise close to this episode, wonderful!
Your editing is quite good, I think I saw one sentence that did not have a close quote, but I got interested in the story and did not pay close attention.
I might also suggest you use fewer 'passive' verbs, those ending in 'ing' and more active verbs, those ending in 'ed'.
I find myself in my writing having to continually check for that.
Good story, more please! And thank you for a lovely comment
Amicus -
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Wait, no! The close quote omission was on purpose; it was still Tiffany speaking, and I've been told that you don't use a close quote at the end of a paragraph if the speaker is going to go on at the very beginning of the next paragraph...is that right, or am I completely misinformed??
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Ah, yes, the dreaded passive verb. I have real problems with that one. I'm going to do a read through, and see what I can find for that one. And thanks for the close quote tip; I found it! Line 26! That was a recent edit, and I probably wouldn't have picked up on it. Thanks so much for the comment; I'll use it as best as I can.
Viola
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