The waters were calm and she sat alone waiting for her love to rejoin her. Counting and collecting sea shells. The sun was going down yet she heard no call or the melody of his song. If only she could hear his words again.1
His song:2
"Come to me sweet creature
In your beauty soft, dark
Lets love until the sun rises
in your enchanting water park."3
She listen to the shells, and the melody was no longer there
her eyes filled with briny tears, her heart full of fear. How she loved this human enough to come ashore. Morph into her legs and watches for his foot steps. 4
This went on for many days and nights. So Emera returned to the waters, and her oceanic home. Her spirit all gone. Months and months pasted. She was getting ready for the ball; in the Great castle in Atlantis. It was open to come one come all. The Prince was looking for a wife. 5
Emera polished her finest pearls, and jewels. Buffed up her scales. Combed her long locks with and golden comb she had found. When she was ready her cousins said to her. "He's picking me" and the long skinny one that love sea weed so much squealed, "He loves trim, fit; he picking me." "Enough" said Emera mother. "Prince Trouter will pick the girl with the most unique sea shell."6
Liza, La'zee both frowned at collecting shells. So they all got ready and off to the Palace of Neptune. Emera was last to leave, she went and got het tiny prize shell she loved so much and put on a pearl chain around her neck. 7
The music was just lovely and the beautiful mermaids all lined up to dance with the Prince. La'zee was first. He made small talk but could not stand her voice. Next was Liza; she was to talk-a-tive. Last came Emera with such style and grace
she danced. He asked her for a second dance, thats when he saw the shell on her necklace.8
He stared to hum the song he sang for her on shore. It was him and Emera was mesmerized when she found out her human was a merman and the Prince of Sea Shells. Son of their King.
Once there eyes lock together Emera knew she had founds her true love again....9
That evening they swam to the cave in the lagoon, collected shells and made love the very first time as humans. In the misty rain falling softly on their nude bodies. The moon blushed, and the stars twinkled at each thrust of his member entering her. She moaned and hummed the melody when they finished.....with his head in her lap snuggled in comfort.10
"Come to me sweet creature
(thats just what he did)11
In your beauty soft, dark
(into his lovely bride)12
Lets love until the sun rises
(Over and over again sweetly)13
in your enchanting water park."
(In the cave where they first met)14
It will always be a special place for them; happy everafter...
Author notes
picture inspired
A contest entry
- Shells Among the Sea by Ted E Bare.
175 points, ended February 23, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Beautiful Fantasy by dark-fantasies.
450 points, ended June 13, 2008, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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This started off really nicely, but once it got into the fairytal prose it became a little predictable. There was a nice twist at the end there, and I really liked how you ended it, but overall this needs a finer edit. There were a few grammar issues and typos, and I felt this lacked a little detail and description. The storyline was interesting enough to keep me reading, but if you add more to this then I think it will be an amazing piece.
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Some quick grammer/punctuation/spelling errors;
(4)"She listen to the shells, and the melody was no longer there[.]
[H]er eyes filled with briny tears, [and] her heart full of fear. How she loved this human enough to come ashore; morph into her legs and watch for his foot steps." This paragraph needed some edits, which I have included here in the [] You need to watch that you don't switch tenses; if you started the piece in past tense, you should keep it in past tense.
(6) No comma is needed in this sentence; "Emera polished her finest pearls, and jewels.", "...long locks with [a] golden comb...
"When she was ready her cousins said to her[;] "He's picking me"
[T]he long skinny one that [loved] seaweed so much squealed[.] "He loves trim [and] fit; [he'll] [pick] me."
"Enough" said Emera's mother. "Prince Trouter will pick the girl with the most unique sea shell."" Separate speech should be on separate lines. Your grammer in the three speech parts was awkward - I have demonstrated some suggested changes.
(8) "Last came Emera with such style and grace, [and they] danced."
(9) "It was him - Emera was mesmerized when she found out her human was a merman[,] and the Prince of Sea Shells." Ive added the hyphen as the first part needs emphasis.
(10) "In the misty rain [that fell] softly on their nude bodies. The moon blushed, and the stars twinkled at each thrust of his member [entered] her. She moaned[,] and hummed the melody [as] they finished.....with his head in her lap snuggled in comfort."
The sudden shift to crude erotica shattered the lovely atmosphere you had built for this piece. Perhaps you could have used the phrase 'as they made love' - which would have fit with the style and flow of the rest of the piece.
Apart from this you appear to have some difficulty with grammer, it may be a good idea to brush up on your word usage.
Nice touch with adding the prose - a common device in fairytales.
On the whole this story was sweetly tender.
Keep writing!
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 3.
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I don't know, somehow the sudden transition from a fairytale romance to erotica seems out of place to me. But then again, at the same time the recounting of the song in the context is a key element to the story, and can't really be dropped without changing the whole to something completely different. I'm not sure what to make of it.
There are a couple of word choices I feel don't quite fit the mood. First, in paragraph five, 'spunk.' Feels sort of more suited for an urban kid than a poetic lovesick mermaid. Perhaps 'spirit' or something like that?
Second, in paragraph 11, 'cum.' This spelling feels overtly pornographic to me, a touch of smut in the still glossy and magical fairytale.
Also, may I suggest proof-reading this again? There are many simple errors that could be weded out.
Overall a I like the plot quite a bit, but I feel the story could use some polishing. -
I see the picture inspired a tremendous and wonderful story with inspirational words that came in poetic form too. I truly want to thank you for entering my "Shells Among the Sea" contest!
Ted E
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I love the way you use poetry in your work. It gives me the picture of innocent love and precious happiness.
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