Ramblings of a Lonely Girl

There are lots of things that I want. I want to be happy, I want to not be depressed, I want to be able to enjoy what I have without wishing for more, I want to be with someone who actually wants me, and not just as a friend or friends with benefits. I want to love and to be loved as cheesy as that sounds. I want cheesy things to not be looked down upon. I want a guy that’s not afraid to be who he is around his friends and a guy who doesn’t change who he is just because he’s with me. I want to not be like a curse that destroys everything she gets near. I want people to be happy when they are with me, not to feel obligated to do something just because it would be taboo to do otherwise. I want a good life or for life to just end. What point is there in life when nothing good happens? When all that you get is rejection and failure what point is there to live? I want to stop feeling like everyone is judging me. That no matter what I do it will always fall just short of enough. I want to fall asleep happy and have good dreams, not cry myself to sleep. I don’t want to just wish for a new life but to actually have one. I want friends who don’t give me the look, the look of judgment. I want to feel happy and confident. I want the motivation to actually do something with my life. I want to have the will power to say no to things that upset me and yes to things that could make me happy. I don’t want to live a life with a mask. To live behind a façade of happiness always wondering if there was something more out there, to me would be a nightmare. My biggest fear is loneliness, rejection, failure, to discover that my life is nothing but a big empty void. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t have the confidence to try and make more of something. I’m stuck in the friend zone and it hurts me. Hurts me so bad. I just want to run away, to escape. I escaped from home but the guilt still follows me. Every time I call my dad he says something new to upset me. He has to trust in me. He thinks me a whore and so do many of my friends. I am not a whore I just lack the conviction to make a commitment. All I want is to be happy. I thought by writing this it would make it easier for me but it hasn’t. I still feel like there’s an elephant sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe and a giant emptiness in my stomach, I think that’s called regret or guilt. I can feel the loneliness creeping in threatening to engulf me in its death grip. Tonight I’ll silently cry myself to sleep while the one person that could make things a little better lies ignorantly beside me. When eve pissed off god and he cursed women I think he definitely made sure my life would be hell. I am a strong believer in karma so I guess I deserve this miserable existence but I still wish for more. Maybe that’s my downfall. Maybe I should just be happy with what I got and know that there are people out there with worse problems. But I can’t think about that. I just think about this everlasting depression that’s had me in its grips since elementary school and how I’m so invisible to those that supposedly care about me that they don’t even notice my suffering. I wonder if anyone realizes how hard it is for me to smile. That it’s not just being nice to people but to actually be happy actually hurts me. My body only knows sadness and suffering. I don’t think there is any hope for happiness to find its way into my broken heart. My heart has suffered too much damage to be repaired. And unlike stories and fairytales there will be no happy ending for me.