Warped

I could here my heart pounding against my chest. The thudding of my feet against the ground growing dimmer and dimmer with each heartbeat. I was calling out... no one seemed to here me screaming my lungs out. Then I saw what happened, someone went missing... the reward on this so called... thief was high. I saw it first... the portal. The portal to where I could not figure out ... until I slipped and fell landing straight into the middle. I saw a flash of bright light and then it was gone and so was I. 1

I woke up in a plantation of sorts, where I don't know. I was under a dense mat of branches that covered me from the over-bearing sun that was shining down on the Earth. Then I saw it the machinery, thousands of gun like weaponry. I heard someone sneaking behind me then... then I felt a hand cover my mouth and whoever it was pulled me to stand up and then.. then they dragged me into the woods. I felt a burning at my temple and I fell asleep. When I awoke I found myself strapped to a chair in a room that had no windows or door that I could see of in this light. I tried to stand up, a goal which was hard to accomplish, and when I did I heard the distant sound of metal against metal, a very high and sharp screech of sorts, like a cat being run over by a pick-up truck. I tried to run, but where was there to run if I didn't even no where I was. I heard the voice one minute before I slammed into the wall, I stood up as they was saying incomprehensible words. My head was spinning, I noticed that I had tears running down my face. I watched as feet strode toward me at a fast pace. I awoke to the sound of rushing air, I heard waves crashing in the distant background,I could here the trees swaying with the wind. I could feel the the grains of sand beneath my palms,the water lapping at my feet the sun beating down on my face creating beads of sweat to fall as if I was crying. As you know I have not told you my name yet, its... well I can't tell you at the moment, if the word horrific means anything to you then you will leave that question for later, why you ask, because if I tell you, you will become involved in one of the most horrific adventures you could ever imagine, least to say that you would ever want to imagine. I heard a soft noise from a figure beside me. I could see a long lanky form , a form that had light brown that fell in waves around a face that could not be seen. Hair that went past the eyes so that they could not be seen. Not what you would imagine a kidnapper to look like. He looked more like a normal 16-19 year old boy. 2

Now that I think about that it worries me because I was alone by myself, with a kidnapper who knew what could happen. I have trouble believing it to this day, how could I be taken away, now I know I fell into the portal but I did have a life before that. I remember the last time I was there...3

Was it to slow for a beginning, how did the characters act, what would you like to see in the future.

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • iBubbles
    June 9, 2008

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    wow! i loved it , with the suspence and all. it didnt find it slow at all, i was able to picture everythign nice and clear. good job! xD


  • ToxicBlood
    May 11, 2008
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    Try not to use so many commas. But it was still good. ^^


  • dark-fantasies
    April 22, 2008

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    This was just right for a beginning- not too slow, and not too fast either. The storyline seems interesting, and the characters well established. The only thing I would say to improve on is your descriptions and detail, since there was a lack of that. Also, the story seems to be written too much from your character's perspective. It was just what they were seeing and feeling. Maybe you could write more of what they hear, smell, touch, taste- the five senses. Apart from that, then this was a good start. There was suspense, and it leaves the reader hanging and wondering what will happen next. The first paragraph drew me in completely, and my attention and interest was held throughout. Overall, wonderful effort.


  • woozie
    March 24, 2008
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    great

    i love it


  • loyda
    February 29, 2008
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    Beckyyyyy!

    there is a mispelling at the beginning when you say, "here me screaming", shouldn't it be, "hear me screaming"?

    well, some comma mispellings, but after that the story seems so good!!!
    the drama, the suspense, the confusion!
    i want to read more!


  • LittleMissChrissie
    February 29, 2008

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    Wow

    Suspense!! I love it. For a beginning it was great, not too slow at all. In the future I'd like to see... more of this story! XD Great job


  • alreadyloveuforever
    February 22, 2008
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    its a good start, just watch for your spelling mistakes

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