My Damien

It will be two years next week since I lost him. Two years. I never thought I'd survive the first week. I miss him terribly. I know it's hard to miss someone you never met, but this isn't like that.
His name was David, David Allen. I don't think that's the name I would have chosen for him, but it's too late now. I would have called him Damien. I've always loved that name. I wonder if he would have liked it? Probably not. I bet we would of fought about it later if...
I have no more tears to shed. It's been too long, they're all gone. I guess that happens when you never stop crying for two years. I wish I could find someone who understands. But, I know there's no one. Who could? Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who's been through this. Mom told me that if she had known, she would of had us get married. Yeah, right. She says that now. Now that it's too late.
I loved him. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. I would have done anything to keep this from happening, anything. I wish it had been me instead, but I know that's impossible.
He was so beautiful. The most beautiful boy I'd ever seen. Dark blue eyes, jet black hair, and the palest skin. Paler than me. I didn't know that was possible. He was amazing. I could of stared at him for hours.
Oh God, why? Why did you take him from me? Are you punishing me? What did I do? I guess it doesn't matter now. He's gone. There's nothing I can do. It's just so hard to accept...
Even after all this time, I still blame myself. There must have been something I could have done. Anything.
I mean, he was with me for six months. I was right there. I felt his heartbeat inside me for all that time. My baby. My poor baby. Now do you understand? The horror I went through alone, struggling to save his precious unborn life? But, even my best wasn't good enough. And now he's gone forever and I'm left alone, wondering. What would he have been like? Would he have been like his no good, asshole of a father? I don't think so. He was with me for all that time. He never even knew his father.
I can't stand thinking about this anymore. It's too painful. The only thing that goes through my head is February 26. Over and over again. This is too much for me. Goddamn, I'm only sixteen!!! That was too much for a fourteen year old to have to bear. Too much. I was only a child myself...
God, do you know what the ultimate disappointment is? Being in labor for almost three days and not having a baby to hold when your done. People talk to me about their heart being broken and their life being miserable. You people don't know misery. Come talk to me when, after you've carried this precious life inside of you for so long and after being so happy and excited to see him and be with him, having him die in your arms, while you're laying, alone and exhausted, on the cold bathroom floor. And then not being able to tell anyone about it, not even the father. Yeah, that's real misery. That's what being alone really means.
God, I'd do anything to bring that baby back...
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