As I have mentioned in previous tales, the small town where I grew up had one large secondary school. Like all adolescent chaps we hated and despised the chaps who attended the corresponding secondary school in the closest nearby town. These feelings were obviously mutual as hostilities came to ahead twice a year in the annual home and away organised brawls; I mean inter school football matches.1
Yes the school playing fields were no place for the faint hearted of a Saturday morning. As two teams of eleven deranged mentalists were loosed upon one another, all equally determined and predisposed to try to kick seven shades of shit out of the other. Come the day of the annual home derby, our schools P.E. teacher, the grim Mr. Jenkins a.k.a. Bullet Head, for reasons only apparent to himself, always pulled rank over his cohorts and mugged it up as match referee. 2
Top marks to him, with a resounding grade “A” for being an egotistical, sociopathic, glib control freak. Unfortunately though a well deserved and fully earned grade “F” for having even the slightest passing grasp of the proper interpretation of the rules of association football. 3
These annual kicking matches did however have an upside. The upside being that despite our opponents school being awash with the offspring of pikeys, half wits and all other manner of ner-do-wells, they did seem to have, for some unfathomable reason, a never ending supply of shapely young ladies.4
These young ladies also had, if the boy’s cloakroom rumours were to be believed, an aversion to keeping their pants in the “On” position. This was of course in stark contrast to the girls who went to our school. Who were clearly all destined to be nuns and who’s determination to keep their virtue intact easily outstripped our skills to coax them out of their padlocked undergarments. 5
Indeed Smarty, one of my classmates and near neighbours, announced to the gathered throng that he had and I quote “Got two fingers up one of them, on the train station platform on Friday night!” a charming opening gambit I think you will agree. Only surpassed by his follow up of “Smell them!” as he waved his fore and middle fingers at us when his honesty was called in to question. 6
As I have said before, it’s nice when someone has a hobby; alas Smarty’s hobby was not as he would have had us believe, doing the sex, more that of compulsive lying after eating a packet of scampi and lemon flavoured crisps.7
The truth was that the closest any of us had gotten to even seeing a woman naked, never mind get our hands up the jumper of one, was Ms. Sherburne’s comedy filled social education class the year prior. Where the aforementioned stereotypical lesbian type, struggled manfully to show us the nuts and bolts of human reproduction, via the use of a terrible sex education video.8
That all changed that fateful night in October 1983. Before I go on, you must consider that I was only thirteen years old at that time, a green horn if you will and not completely up to speed on such things.9
Bounce and myself had as usual been at midweek football training and had just walked out of the sports hall, prior to heading off home. When we saw two not unattractive girls, who attended the other school, sitting on a wall at the other side of the road. Not only that they waved at us, smiled and said “Hello!”10
Jackpot!11
We strolled over the road towards them trying to look “Cool” as if we chatted up people with bumpy jumpers all of the time and this was for us after all, being chaps of the world, a regular occurrence.12
To cut a long story short and not to chase this around the houses we ended up agreeing to walk the shapely Zara and Hazel down the road to the bus stop, where they were due to catch the last bus back to Pikeytown in fifteen minutes time.13
On reaching the bus stop we sat in the shelter with them and awaited their transport home. Just then Zara put both of her hands around back of my head, swung her legs round so she sat astride me and then preceded to what can only be described as ram her tongue in to my by now agog mouth.14
Fucking hell, I thought as I sat there like a fish out of water, unsure as I was as to what the correct protocol for this type of shenanigans was. Given the shapely Zara’s obvious enthusiasm for the situation, I felt sure a feel of the chest would not be out of the question. So that very night I became the first of our little gang of chest obsessed, adolescent perverts, to actually attain the holy grail of feeling a girl’s chest, albeit not actually au natural but through her jumper.15
After another five or so minutes of these fraught manipulations the bus arrived and off home they went. For my part I could not believe my luck and crawled home on all fives. On reaching home I thought it best to slip in to the bathroom to wash off any offending lipstick and the like from my person before facing the parental inquisition. Which would doubtless await me due to my lateness home and them wishing to ascertain my whereabouts during this time.16
I locked the bathroom door and switched on the light.17
Oh spoons!18
There upon my neck was one of the reddest and largest love bites I had ever seen. My mother, rightfully with hindsight, went potty and I was forced to listen to a very stern talking to, which had more than a passing reference to the birds and the bee’s. Where the consequences for not taking the appropriate precautions were pointed out to me.19
Embarrassed?20
Embarrassed is not the word, as no young chap wants to hear his own mother talking about sexual goings on. Still with my face the colour of a lobster at least my newly acquired nookie badge was far less apparent.21
The following day at school we were hero’s amongst our piers. As Bounce had embellished the tale of our previous nights sexual exploits. Indeed by the time I walked through the school gate, shirt buttons open to the waist, we had and again I quote from one easily led classmate “Been out all night shagging!”22
Needless to say our much hyped and grossly over blown exploits did nothing to curry favour with the members of the fairer sex from our own school. The upshot of which was that it would now be quite some time before the same opportunity would present itself to me again.23
Author notes
All once again ashamidly true and only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
A contest entry
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Please tell me what you think!
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I found that entertaining and funny. You must be a genius.
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this was wonderful and hilarious. Brilliant job, you made me laugh and that is not easy to do
This was entertaining and well told. I have nothing else to say to you but great work
thanks for entering
-gibson -
This was very good.
This time I understood all the language. Football, I assume, would be soccer? I very much enjoyed this story. I noticed no errors.
When I was 13, I had a similar experience. I was kissing a 13 year old girl on my bed and laying on top of her. Happened only one time and she moved shortly afterward. It was not until I was 18 that I kissed a girl like that again.
I wish I could write comedy as well as you.
Andy
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'Ow Dare You!
I didn't like the bad words but the details were excellent! -
Commas are your friend. Use them.
But other than that, hilarious story. I loved the imagery and the hype that went into it- and that poor, poor boy. God willing, something like that will never happen to me xD.
Thanks for posting!. Rewarded 4
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very good!!!
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Ah, J (well rsoles now - but I'll always know you as J) anyway, another riotous and hilarious journey through your adolescence.
Your imagery and choice of phrases are truly magnificent as always. The "Scampi and lemon" crisps incident, (made all the worse by my own memories of their smell -
) and the "crawling home an all fives" have to be the classic lines of the piece.
On reading the other comments, some people seem to be a little bemused by your typically British - or should I say Scottish!?! Style of writing, but I think it fits the piece beautifully, these are stories about when/where you grew up and so would only work in this style.
Its boys behaving badly at their best - well done.
. Rewarded 8
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I like it!!! Very good!! Keep Writing!!!
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very good
Ok, obviously you have been critiqued 'seven ways to sunday', so I am not going to bother. What I can say is that this story was humorous, straight-forward and a joy to read. Brought memories back of what its like to 'come-of-age'. Your writing is witty, fresh and easy to read. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
IGW
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Commentary Critique
I don't know what everyone else is saying about this story but the real-life attributed scenerio really draws in the readers' eyes. However, you did have a small booboo....
In paragraph ten, you need to delete the comma after 'us' in the last sentence; Say 'I' in the first sentence (not myself). In other words, it would look like this:
Bounce and I had as usual been at midweek football training and had just walked out of the sports hall, prior to heading off home when we saw two not unattractive girls, who attended the other school, sitting on a wall at the other side of the road. Not only that they waved at us smiled and said “Hello!” -
chatted up people with bumpy jumpers all of the time Loved this line!!!!
I laughed all through it. I can just imagine
Brooke
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"hearted of a Saturday morning" - on?
"As two teams of eleven deranged mentalists were loosed upon one another, all equally determined and predisposed to try to kick seven shades of shit out of the other." - incomplete sentence
"Unfortunately though a well deserved and fully earned grade “F” for having even the slightest passing grasp of the proper interpretation of the rules of association football." - also incomplete, i think
"opponent[']s school"
"eating a packet of scampi and lemon flavoured crisps." - OOOOHHH, jeez! Both disgusting AND hilarious.
" we were hero[e]s amongst our p[e]ers"
................
I'm a bit tired, but that's the basic grammar/commenting part.
Cute story. You definitely have a realistic/jovial storytelling approach which is very nice. Whenever I read your stuff, my "mental voice" reading the story is that of that one guy on the BBC. Very jolly and british-y.
Um, anyway, I'm not sure if it's a case of American vs. British grammar or what, but several of your sentences seemed to be incomplete sentences. I'm not sure if that's just a grammar mistake or if that's how y'all roll over across the Atlantic.
Besides that, great job. Very cute. :-) -
You know...I'm sure a lot of people will LOVE this piece. British people...anti-football people. But I happen to love both football and soccer (I assumed you were talking about the original football, which I call soccer, but a lot of people think American football is all "organized brawl" so I wasn't sure)...so the satire didn't make me laugh it made me go "Aw....No....!" lol. But a good write anyway.
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Correction
iers(should be peers)
This was great, I liked this probably more than any other stories you've written. It was really entertaining and how everything got over exaggerated was hilarious too. Plus you did that at 13, that makes you a champion by itself.
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"and crawled home on all fives"
Superb!
One of your best quotes yet.
GoNE
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Ah, Jdsk, Delightful!
Just great....loved it! And in the vernacular,"padlocked undergarments", "Crawling on all fives..." Great! As was, "Nookie badge". and mother's encounter, wonderful description of a sure possibility!
Wonderfully straight forward, knowing and honest appraisal that girls really are instigators and downright naughty from the the git go....
If you seek perfection, as do I, then:
P1, line 4, ahead...a head....
P2, first word, Yes, (add comma)
P9 "green horn" green-horn (phrase)
P22 First line, "piers" = peers...
Loved your story, well done! Do more, I love your style!
Amicus...
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this was different. but good. good luck in contest
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Good "First base!"
Promising "coming of age" tale! Not badly written...and there's some good and amusing stuff in here. Try to avoid hackneyed phrases and cliches such as: "green horn"...and "fish out of water." There's plenty of more original stuff in your writer's bag that you can use. (The trick is merely to become aware of this stuff that creeps into prose insideously!)
I think you have a flair for humor...the gut feeling (for me at my late stage of the game) is to pull back a bit. Don't try so hard to be funny. It'll come out. It'll show. Less...understatement...is more!
But the overall construction and direction of the tale is good. Tweak it...trim it...edit it. Listen to it. See if, when read aloud, it strikes you as credible...and funny! If you have any questions or need more from me, just message!
Good luck.
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